by Lara Bartram and Mike Loader
----------------------------
***
The Galactic Empire was oppressive, evil, tyrannical, and
bloody huge.
It had been built on the foundation of the Old Republic,
and pretty much _was_ the Old Republic with cooler uniforms
and less tolerance. Rather than throw everything out the
window, the new rulers of the galaxy simply changed the
existing order to suit them.
Since, as has been mentioned, the Empire was bloody
huge, a few anacronistic remains of the Old Republic still
persisted as part of the Imperial system, simply because no-
one had bothered to delete them.
When the Death Star was in the final stages of
construction and crew selection was in progress, Navy
Regulation 23.b-DeltaCainCharlie5 (subsection 2.3) was one of
those flagged by the Staffing Computer. It had been passed by
the Admiralty during the days when "Public Relations" didn't
mean leveling population centers from orbit, and stated:
All orbital or deep space platforms of sizes at or above
Type-BB will be required to have on duty at least One(1)
officer of a rank no lower than Lt. Commander, with a
advanced degree in Public Relations from a major
University. This officer shall hold the position of
Civilian Tour Liasion, and shall not be assigned other
duties barring a State of Emergency as described in
Reg46.c, Sections Alpha through Theta.
Since there were very few stations of Type-BB or higher,
and since it was clearly such an asinine regulation that
everyone would ignore it, no-one ever got around to getting rid
of it.
Since the drones who made up the Imperial Personnel
Department would follow regulations that told them to shoot
themselves in the head without bothering to question it, the
Death Star was dutifully assigned a Civilian Tour Liasion.
Since the Empire had a distinct shortage of high-ranking
officers with public-relations degrees, they picked the one
officer in the fleet who did, an Ensign Sanzenin, and
immediately promoted him to the rank of Lt. Commander.
This was rather fortunate for Ex-Ensign Sanzenin,
especially since he had been scheduled to be executed for
getting caught in an awkward situation with the wife of a Vice
Admiral.
He was quite happy with his job on the Death Star.
Nothing beat being a tour guide on a top-secret battlestation
for low workloads and plentiful free time. And he was drawing
a Lt. Commander's pay and quarters assignment, too.
When he got bored, he used his considerable design skills
to make little brochures and coloring books. It was his wistful
dream that one day a shuttle filled with beautiful women
would land, and he would be asked to give them a private tour.
Currently, his dream was coming true. Sort of. His
daydreams hadn't included the huge, unchained Wookiee, or the
two annoying droids.
"And, if you'll look to your right, you'll see one of the
Death Star's docking bays, similar to the one you entered
through. At the moment, this bay contains a pirate freighter
belonging to enemies of the New Order."
From the rear of the cheery little tour tram, Akane eyed
the mentioned ship with narrowed eyes. "Doesn't that look a lot
like the Corellian freighter that we saw off Tatooine?"
Chawbaka growled an agreement, and resumed coloring
the TIE Fighter cutaway drawing in his Death Star Fun Book.
"The Death Star contains over a hundred of these bays,"
Commander Sanzenin recited cheerfully, "And three larger ones
used for servicing capital warships of the Empire. Each
requires over four dozen flight controllers, mechanics, ground
crew, and menial laborers."
"How nice," Kasumi murmured politely, moving his hand
gently but firmly off her leg. She had met this type before, and
found that the attention was rather flattering up to a point.
Beyond that point, a few near-misses with the landspeeder
was usually all that was necessary to get the message across.
Undismayed, the commander steered the cart down a
narrow hallway. "Through the glassteel wall to your left, you
can see the one of the outer blast tunnels of the Death Star's
planet-destroying superlaser. Built under the supervision of
noted designer Bevel Lemelisk, the Death Star Superlaser is
the largest energy weapon ever constructed, and has vaporized
noted stellar bodies like Test Asteroid X-6923, Planetoid P-
42D, and Alderaan. Future targets are being selected as we
speak, funded by you, the Imperial Citizen."
"Vaporized Alderaan?" Nodoka asked weakly.
Sanzenin nodded cheerfully. "Page 123 of your tour guide
has photos."
The sound of four guidebooks being flipped through was
heard, followed by a horrified silence.
"Right, haha, destroying an entire planet, what a joke,
isn't Captain Soro such a comedian? I TOLD you, C-Chan, but
did anyone listen? Nooo..."
"Oh dear," Kasumi said quietly. Being vaporized probably
wasn't very nice for the people on the planet, and it had made
an awful mess... that sort of thing shouldn't be allowed.
Nodoka just shook her head sadly.
"And now, if you'll look to your right, you can see the
Loyalty Fervor Inspiration Board, where photos of Rebel
Traitors scheduled for execution are displayed for the
edification and amusement of station personnel."
They looked. There were quite a lot of them.
"Why is an image of the most glorious pig-tailed
princess displayed on a common board with filthy criminals?"
demanded C-KN0 from his spot towards the rear. "She should
have her own frame, hung in a place of honor."
Startled, Nodoka and Kasumi examined the board more
closely as the tour cart rolled by. Sure enough, a picture of the
redheaded girl was stuck prominiently near the center,
sticking her tongue out at the camera.
Commander Sanzenin shrugged eloquently. "Everyone on
there is scheduled for execution for crimes against the Empire.
Did you know that the Death Star has over 30 execution
chambers, each with over fifteen methods of termination?
Page 99 in your Death Star Fun Book(TM) has a diagram and
crossword activity."
"Thou wouldst harm the sacred person of the fire-haired
princess?" roared C-KN0, pulling out a wooden stick. "I, the
Golden Translator of Furiiiiiii*blip*"
Akane gave a satisfied grunt and removed her hand from
KN0's 'off' switch, mentally memorizing the location. She
wished the designer had situated it somewhere other than the
lower torso.
"Ms. Kenobi? I think they're going to execute that poor
girl," Kasumi said worriedly. Execution was bad for growing
young ladies.
"I know, dear," Nodoka sighed. "I suppose we'll have to do
something about it. If for no other reason, to find out exactly
what these plans are and where to take them."
"Hold on," Akane said, scowling fiercely. "After landing
on an Imperial battlestation capable of destroying entire
planets, we find ourselves home free through a vast stroke of
luck. And you want us to break someone out of a execution
detention area in the largest Imperial military installation in
history?"
"Second largest," Sanzenin added helpfully. "The
Coruscant Military Center is slightly larger, but is divided up
between several ground and orbital structures. There's a
comparison chart on the inside back cover."
"The poor girl _is_ going to be executed," Nodoka calmly
reminded. "It is our duty as Jedi and fellow sentient beings to
lend aid."
"I'm not a Jedi, and I hate sentient beings," Akane replied
hotly. "They tend to be real jerks. Let's just take the tour, wait
for the Hedgehog to be repaired, and get the hell out of here."
Kasumi clucked her tongue reprovingly. "Now, Captain
Soro, really! Think how scared the poor girl must be! All alone
in a cold, hard cell..."
"Actually, all the cells in the Death Star are heated,"
chimed in Sanzenin.
Akane maintained her firm expression, but her eyes
softened a bit. "Well, yeah, but..."
"And the food," Kasumi continued, "I'm sure it's not very
nice. And the atmosphere surely isn't the proper sort for a
young girl, far away from home, with no-one to turn to..."
Akane sniffled a little. The Commander passed her back a
Death Star Souvenir Hankie, which she blew into loudly.
"And one hears such stories about the guards in these
sort of places, taking advantage of a poor sweet defenseless
girl, with nothing to protect her honor..."
"Okay," Akane said, wiping her eyes, "we'll rescue the
poor little thing."
"That's very good of you," Kasumi said happily. Nodoka
had told her that you could use the Force to influence the
weak-minded, but in her experience you could do that simply
by being nice. Besides, whatever else Captain Soro was, weak-
minded probably wasn't among them.
"Rroughroow," commented Chawbaka.
"He wants to know how we're going to get into the
detention level," Akane translated, frowning. "Good question. I
think we need a plan."
"Well...." Nodoka began.
"Okay," Akane interrupted, "How about this. We find a
group of three stormtroopers, jump them, and take their
armor and blasters. Then we put fake restraints on C-Chan
here, and take him into the detention level, see, only when
we get into the prison control room we shoot all the guards
and blast the security cameras. After that, while everyone's
still confused, we engage in a running battle through the
prison wing, rescue the girl, blow open a garbage hatch or
something, make our way through the bowels of the station,
and blast our way back to the Hedgehog."
Nodoka looked at Kasumi. Kasumi looked at Nodoka.
Then both of them looked at Akane.
"Commander Sanzenin?" Nodoka asked politely. "Could
we please have a tour of the detention level?"
"Why sure!" the officer said, steering the tram down a
side corridor. "Did you know that the Death Star's cell block
is the largest holding facility on any spacegoing vessel or
installation?"
"Okay, we can do it this way, too," Akane said, sounding
somewhat disappointed.
"And if you'll look to your left, you'll see two officers
of our friendly and helpful staff escorting a Rebel terrorist
to his well-deserved fate." Slowing the cart down, Sanzenin
waved at the two stormtroopers. "You there!"
The troopers froze, and slowly turned. The cuffed
Wookiee they were escorting made a worried noise. "Er,
yeah?"
"Would you mind posing for a picture?" Commander
Sanzenin chattered cheerfully. "I'm sure these ladies would
be thrilled."
The troopers looked at him as if lobsters had started
crawling out of his ears. "Uh, sure," the shorter one said
hesitantly. "Han, why don't you stand over there by Che... er,
the prisoner, and I'll stand here."
"Okay, if you ladies could stand right there in front of
them... you on the left, why don't you give your blaster to the
young lady to hold, that's it... could the traitorous Rebel
prisoner move to the right just a smidgen... okay... perfect.
Say 'cheese', everyone...."
"Cheese!"
"Rrroughse."
"Okay, thanks guys!"
"Yeah, sure, c'mon kid let's get outta here...."
The troopers hustled off, and Kasumi and Company
reboarded the cart. Sanzenin handed them all polaroids as he
restarted the tram and drove on.
"Oh my. I really should have brought a camera."
***
Leia awakened with a start as the door to her cell was
thrown open. The short figure sillhouetted in the doorway
waving a blaster in the air immediately got her attention,
and she quickly sat up in her bunk.
"Princess?"
She blinked. "Yes?"
"We're here to rescue you!"
Her heart leaped. "You're what!"
"We've got your droids! We're here to rescue you!"
A taller figure appeared behind the blaster-waving one.
"Akane? That's not her."
"Oh dear. This is #327-B, not #357-B."
"But I'm Princess Leia Organa of..."
"Whoops. Sorry." And with that, the cell door slammed
shut again.
Leia shrugged, and went back to sleep. She had known it
was too good to be true.
***
The tram pulled up in front of a cell for the third time.
Nodoka peered carefully at the number on the door.
"#327-B. Okay, this should be it."
Hopping out, Akane thumbed open the cell door. "Right.
You," she paused to glance at a hastily scribbled note,
"Princess Ranma Saotome of Nerima?"
"zzzzzzzsnort.... huh? Wha? Yeah, 'sme...."
Akane shut the cell door and turned to the others.
"Okay, found her."
Kasumi beamed at her. Nodoka smiled, and turned to
their tour guide. "Commander Sanzenin, could you show us
one of the empty cells? We're all just fascinated by this."
Sanzenin, who had already coaxed the promise of a
drink together after the tour was over out of Nodoka,
obligingly opened a nearby cell. "These cells are constructed
of the finest materials available, have a holding capacity of
23 cubic T'Vans, and can withstand sustained blasterfire at
close range. The carpet is..."
"Oh my," said Kasumi brightly, "what's that little panel
in the back, under that nice bunk?"
Sanzenin ducked into the cell. "Panel? I don't think I
see a..."
Kasumi thumbed the "Door Close" button, followed by
the "Door Lock" button. "I hope he isn't put to very much
trouble. He was very nice, I thought."
"Well, that's one bother taken care of," Akane muttered.
Pressing the open button, she again opened the door to
Ranma's cell. "Okay, c'mon."
The redhead inside sat up slightly in her bunk. "You
sure, now? Not just here to ask me my name?"
Akane sighed. "Look, do you want to be rescued or not?"
Frowning slightly, the redhead examined her. "By you?
Lemme think about it for a bit."
"Captain Soro? Nodoka?"
"And just what's that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I don't wanna be rescued by some tomboy with a
blaster! It's embarrassing!"
"Excuse me, Captain Soro? Ms. Kenobi?"
Nodoka turned away from the cell to glance at her
student. "Yes, Kasumi?"
"What do those big flashing red lights on the wall
saying "INTRUDER ALERT!" mean?"
"TOMBOY? Look, sister...."
"I think it means that hundreds of stormtroopers are
about to come boiling down here any minute," Nodoka said
with relative calm.
"Oh dear."
"Who're you calling sister!"
"Excuse me," Nodoka snapped, "can we please run away
now before the stormtroopers come and shoot us?"
The princess blinked. "Huh? Yeah, sure."
"Fine with me!" Akane snapped.
They hurried out of the cell, the ominous sound of
blaster fire sounding faintly in the distance.
"Right," Nodoka said crisply, "which way out of the
detention level?"
"Rrrourgh," said Chawbaka, pointing.
"That's the cell we just walked out of, C-Chan."
"Rourgh."
"Oh dear," Kasumi commented, peering down one of the
hallways. "I think the shooting is getting closer."
"Quick, check the Death Star Fun Book," Akane said,
drawing her blaster. "Maybe there's a map or a coloring
diagram or something."
Ranma rolled her eyes. "Doncha even know the way out
of the stupid detention center? Some rescue this is."
"Oh, yeah, like you do either?" Akane shot back, as
Chawbaka frantically flipped through the pages of the book
looking for a map.
"Actually," the princess replied smugly, "I do. C'mon,
it's this way." With that, she took off running down the
cellblock corridor. Kasumi and Nodoka shrugged and followed
at a trot.
Akane swore, glanced after them, and reluctantly
followed. Chawbaka brought up the rear, reading as he loped
after his captain.
"Are you sure you know where you're going, young
lady?" Nodoka asked, puffing along behind the Neriman
princess. Ranma nodded, turning to give her a confident
smile.
"Trust me," she called, "I know what I'm..."
Ranma turned the corner and skidded to a stop. Up
ahead, their backs to the group, a cluster of stormtroopers
were firing down an hallway at something.
Behind her, Nodoka and Kasumi pulled to a halt and
stared at the platoon. They seemed to be quite enthusastic
about their shooting, and the occasional laser bolt zooming
past seemed to indicate that their targets were getting into
the spirit of this as well.
"They obviously aren't going to notice us," Nodoka said
quietly. "Let's turn around and head a different..."
Akane Soro turned the corner at this point, saw the
stormtroopers, and immediately shot one.
About half the squad turned their attention to her, and
began turning their guns as well.
"Oh hell," muttered Nodoka, and threw her lightsaber at
them.
It snapped on in midair and whipped through the air
like a killer day-glo boomerang, scything at the Imperials.
They very sensibly dived to the ground, whereupon Akane
shot another one, followed by a blast from Chawbaka's
bowcaster. Ranma took the opportunity to jump forward,
snatch a blaster carbine from one of the fallen troopers, and
shot a third.
Kasumi placed one hand over her mouth, mildly aghast.
Ranma tossed her a blaster; she numbly caught it with one
hand and looked at it.
"Into the garbage chute, flyboy!" someone yelled at the
other end of the hall. Ranma, Chawbaka, and Akane quickly
took down the few remaining troops on their side, then
ducked back as a withering fusilade of blasterfire came from
the other end.
"Run away?" asked Kasumi, holding her blaster
gingerly.
"Yes!" yelled Nodoka, snatching up her lightsaber and
dashing off. Kasumi followed.
"YAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Akane, gleefully emptying
her blaster around the corner. Ranma stared at her for a
second, then resumed picking off troopers one by one.
"Rurgle-rowrl," observed Chawbaka, firing over Akane's
shoulder.
"What'd he say?"
"He suggested we should make a strategic withdrawal,"
Akane translated, ducking as a barrage of laserfire blew big
holes in the wall over her head. "I think he might have
something."
Ranma snorted. "What, run away?" She jumped to one
side just as a blast went through the place she had been a
moment before. "Ack. Yeah, I think he has something there."
"Right," Akane said deteminedly, taking a metal sphere
from a belt pouch, twisting it, and tossing it around the
corner. "Run."
"Why?"
"Because the thermal detonator I just tossed is going
to go off in five seconds."
"Oh."
They ran.
***
The force of the blast wave that rocked the Death Star
detention level gave Akane, Ranma, and the Wookiee enough
momentum to catch up to the two Jedi.
"I think we bought some time," Ranma panted, never
breaking stride. "She's pretty good with that blaster."
Akane blushed, for once looking off guard. "Why.. ah,
thanks..."
"For a clumsy psychopathic chick, anyway."
"WHY YOU!"
"Later!" snapped Nodoka. Both looked sheepish.
"So, you got the droids, huh?" asked Ranma. Kasumi
nodded.
"Yes, these Jawas...." Kasumi trailed off. "Oh my. Where
did the droids go?"
Nodoka winced. "We must have left them on the tour
cart. I think Captain Soro switched off the loud one."
"Captain Soro?" asked Ranma. Akane raised a hand,
and the redhead grunted. "Figures. Look, we gotta get those
droids. The information in em is... uh, vitally important to
the rebellion, yeah."
"Right," Nodoka said resignedly. "back to the tour cart."
"Cheh. Tomboy pilot. Can't even fire a blaster right."
"Oh, and I saw just how helpful the Princess was. Were
you too busy waiting for your servant to come and carry you
to the tram?"
"Naw, I was just waiting to watch you trip over your
own feet and fall on your face, you clumsy..."
"Snotty..."
"Macho..."
"Helpless..."
"ENOUGH!" Nodoka finally yelled. "You two are worse
than that damned droid! I think I'd rather turn him on than
listen to you two fight like children!" Nodoka readjusted her
kimono and turned around with a humph. "And we're supposed
to be paying them," she said under her breath.
Akane and Ranma looked at each other, scowling.
Akane shook her head and turned forward, her blaster
drawn just in case. Obviously the princess wasn't going to
be of any use except decoration.
Ranma muttered something under her breath and
crossed her arms over her chest. The whole thing was a
nightmare, and that was just the rescue. She was afraid to
see what kind of shape the rest of the Rebellion was in.
Kasumi drove as though her life depended on it, and as
badly as she had to use the young lady's room, it probably did.
The little tram squealed as it rounded a corner, though it had
no wheels to speak of.
"Get this fuzzball offa me!" Ranma yelled from the back
as she was almost tossed from the seat, along with
Chawbaka and the droids. Akane was apparently the only one
with a working seatbelt.
Of course, that didn't help her when Kasumi turned
another corner and sent the two sliding into her. She opened
her mouth to protest, but got a mouth full of long, stringy
Wookiee hair instead.
Anyone not strapped in was sent airborne for a moment
as the tram hit some sort of object. Looking behind them,
Akane saw the remains of one of those annoying little mouse
'bots that were always underfoot.
So maybe Kasumi wasn't such a bad driver after all.
Akane couldn't help but smirk.
Of course, that was before the little bridge, barely
wide enough for one person, over a seemingly bottomless
shaft. Somehow, Kasumi got the tram up on its side to skid
along the walkway, sparks shooting off the side.
Akane had her eyes closed so she never saw everyone
else in the tram hang on for dear life, coming dangerously
close to spilling out and tumbling down the shaft.
There was a squeal of grinding metal and the tram
slammed back down to its upright position, sending everyone
on a short E-ticket ride. Akane opened her eyes just in time
to see a group of officers dive aside as the tram plowed
through the area they had been walking a second before.
Somehow, by some act of a much, MUCH higher power,
they ended back up in the hangar bay. The tram spun around
three times, acting like some out of control amusement park
ride, just before it slid safely into a recessed area usually
used for cargo.
Kasumi got out of the tram daintily, smoothing her
dress out before hurrying to the Hedgehog. She stopped at
the ramp and looked back at the tram. For some odd reason,
none of the others had moved, except the droids, which
appeared to be losing bits and pieces of themselves.
"Goodness. Shouldn't we leave as soon as possible? I don't
think they'll be too happy about us scratching up their
floors."
Akane was the first to react, simply because she had
had her eyes closed a good portion of the trip and had worn
the safety belt. Now if she could only get the safety belt off.
She was still in better condition than either the
Princess or Chawbaka, who had looks of terror frozen on
their faces (which is not pretty on a Wookiee), or Nodoka,
who looked like she was in shock. Even the droids.
R2-HT's lights were flashing wildly, and several panels
were sliding open periodically, small clouds of smoke
emerging. C-KN0 was completely inert, all functions halted.
No wonder it was so quiet.
Kasumi decided to head into the ship and make some
tea.
***
"What WAS that?" the officer yelled after pulling
himself from the tangle of bodies.
"Sir, I think those were the escaped rebels. They were
reported heading in this direction," answered one of the
officers that had managed not to end up on the bottom of the
pile.
"Gah. Just my luck. Why didn't someone stop them?" He
kicked one of the junior officers that was still untangling
himself. "Well, Lieutenant Wesley? Why didn't you?"
"I... uh... I didn't see them coming, sir!"
"Take this worthless maggot down and have him shot!"
***
Kasumi was just setting a makeshift table with the
last teacup when the others came in. Even Nodoka was
looking a bit... bedraggled. "Good! You're just in time for
lunch!"
"Kasumi," Akane said, her voice barely louder than a
whisper, "we don't have time for lunch. We have to get off
this station before the entire Empire tries to board this
ship!"
Kasumi seemed to consider what Akane had said. "Dear,
I don't think there will be enough food for all of them."
Akane squeezed her eyes shut and tried very hard not to
start screaming. "Buckle in, people. We are leaving, with or
without lunch!" She marched away, grabbing Chawbaka and
dragging him along.
"Man, what a temperamental chick. What's her
problem?" the Princess asked, having come around at the
sight of food. She sat down at the table and began shoveling
lunch into her mouth. "I'b neber sheen sush a groushy
tonboy."
"Princess, please don't speak with your mouth full. It's
quite... disgusting," Nodoka said gently.
Ranma shrugged and continued to eat.
"Dear girl, what kind of princessly training did you
receive?" Nodoka asked. She was getting doubts about going
to Nerima Prime. If this was what their royalty was like,
she didn't want to see the common people. Oh sure, the other
members of the rebellion were nice enough, but they did all
seem to need a lesson in personal hygiene.
Ranma swallowed the last of her lunch and looked
defiantly at Nodoka. "I ain't no princess, so stop calling me
that."
"You're not... But I thought..."
Ranma chuckled bitterly. "You got the right person, but
I ain't no princess. Got any hot water?" she asked.
***
He stood rigidly at attention, sweat crawling down the
side of his face. It was a complete nightmare; figures he
would get the crap duty.
"Your report."
"The rebels, they escaped down into the garbage..."
"Not them! The others! I want to know the location of
the Princess Saotome! She, and those droids have knowledge
of Project J, and they can not be allowed to escape here
alive!" Tofu was starting to get annoyed at all this. The
next time someone got it in his or her tiny little brain to
mistake him with that gorilla-like buffoon Vader, he was
going to get really mad.
"Just find them. Bring them to me. And maybe I won't
turn you into a pretzel. Do you think you can handle that?"
He knew they were on the station someplace. If anyone had
properly listened to him, they would have identified them
the minute they had landed, but noooo. No one ever listened
to Lord Ono.
Snapping back to attention, the fresh-faced captain
nodded. "Yes, my Lord."
"And don't fail me. I'm very intolerant of failure."
"Of course, my Lord. The rebels will be captured and
Princess Organa..." He stopped short when Lord Ono twiddled
his pinky finger at him. "I mean, Princess Saotome! Princess
Saotome and the two droids will be at your disposal."
Turning quickly, the captain got out of there as fast as
he could without appearing too much of a chicken with his
tail feathers on fire.
***
Nodoka and Kasumi stared.
Ranma got slightly annoyed. "Look, it ain't my fault.
This is Project J, that Lord Ono is after."
Nodoka and Kasumi continued to stare.
Getting more annoyed, Ranma slapped his hand down on
the table. "Yo! Are you listenin' to me? Just because I
change into a girl with cold water don't mean I'm a freak or
nothin'."
"I don't know about that," Akane said from behind the
princess turned prince. Her eyes suddenly narrowed.
"Assuming you're even still Princess Ranma and not some
sort of shape-shifter stealing her identity." Her hand
settled on the blaster at her side.
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Man, where do you come up with
these stupid ideas?"
Akane's face pinked and she scowled at him.
"Like I was sayin' before the tomboy showed up, this is
what Ono's lookin' for. That's what's in the plans, along with
the cure." Ranma's eyes gleamed.
"Cure?" Kasumi asked.
"Yeah. Whatever this cure is, it'll stop me from turnin'
into a girl when I'm hit with cold water. Everyone gets the
dumb idea that I'm helpless and tries to help. Do you think I
would have let those morons catch me if I hadn't had some
bonehead rebel tryin' to protect me?" Ranma snorted. "Not
on your life."
"You looked pretty helpless back on that tram."
"You weren't helpin' none, chick."
"Freak."
"Clumsy."
"Pervert."
"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" Nodoka yelled, causing the
two to stop abruptly and look at her. "Kasumi, go get C-KN0.
At least he can pretend to hold an intelligent conversation."
Kasumi nodded and started to rise.
"Hold it! Bring that little pervert droid in here. I wanna
look at the plans and find that cure," Ranma said, abandoning
his argument with Akane.
Nodoka gave a small smile. "Ah, excellent. Finally
down to business."
Kasumi returned a few minutes later with both droids
following her. "Now, R2, can you give the princess the plans
back?" she asked sweetly.
Ranma scowled, but couldn't bring himself to get upset
with her. The freaky droids on the other hand...
"Who is this scoundrel dressed in women's clothing?" C-
KN0 asked, glaring completely non-threateningly at Ranma.
After all, how scary can a shiny gold droid actually look?
"I'm not..."
"Please. The plans. We really should leave this station
as quickly as possible. Speaking of, Akane dear, why haven't
we taken off yet?" Nodoka asked.
"They've got the cleaning crews out. They're mopping
the bay floor right in front of us. We won't be able to leave
until they're done. I've got Chawbaka up there ready to take
off at the first possible moment." Akane shook her head a
little. "Stupid unions..."
"Yes, anyway..."
Ranma nodded. "Right. The cure." He crouched down in
front of R2-HT. "Now, you little hunk of garbage, show the
plans I gave you."
R2 seemed to think about it for a moment, then rotated
his dome back and forth. The meaning was very clear.
"Why not?" Ranma asked, standing and raising his fist in
preparation to beat the droid.
A little nozzle popped out of the top of R2 then sprayed
Ranma with a blast of cold water.
Sputtering, Ranma glared at the smallish droid. "Hey,
you little freak! How'd you know..."
"Oh! My wondrous pig-tailed princess! How I have
longed to hold you in my arms!" C-KN0 said excitedly, and
advanced on Ranma, arms open wide.
Ranma's fist shot out, hitting the droid square in the
face and knocking him against the wall.
C-KN0 slid to the floor, circuits shorted out
temporarily.
Shaking some water out of her eyes, Ranma glared at
R2-HT. "Now, I don't care why ya did that, just show me the
stupid plans!"
Again, R2 denied her. This time, a little claw came out
with a frilly pink bra in its grasp. Making some strange
high-pitched whistling noises, R2 thrust the bra at Ranma.
Kasumi covered her mouth with one hand. "Oh my," she
said quietly.
Ranma's face slowly began to match the color of her
shirt. "Freak!" she yelled and axe-kicked the droid.
Rather abruptly, the plans started to display
themselves in the air, which immediately caught everyone's
attention.
"What's that?" Akane asked, looking at the slightly
transparent images flashing in the air.
"That's it," Ranma said, grinning somewhat maniacally.
"That's the cure. Project J."
Nodoka watched for a bit. "But that... that looks like
plans for the Death Star."
"Yeah. So?" Ranma said, shrugging.
That was when the red lights went off in the hangar and
sirens started sounding. An announcement, audible even
from inside the Hedgehog, blared out. 'All outgoing traffic is
to be detained. No exceptions allowed. Rebel spies may
attempt escape.'
Akane shot to her feet. "Janitors or no, we're getting
out of here, pronto." She hurried to the cockpit area, leaving
the others to get someplace and buckle themselves in.
Nodoka and Kasumi started to clean up the dishes when,
out of a tiny port, Nodoka caught sight of a familiar face.
"Ben," she said quietly.
"Kasumi, dear, I have something to take care of. I'll be
back in just a few moments." She smiled reassuringly at the
younger girl, but her eyes were cold and hard.
Before Kasumi could answer, Nodoka was gone.
Hesitating for just a few moments, Kasumi quickly hurried
after her, hoping she would be in time to stop the woman
from doing something rash.
Kasumi was barely able to keep up with Nodoka as the
older woman exited the ship and ran across the hangar,
slipping slightly on the freshly cleaned floors.
Nodoka headed to one of the adjacent hangar bays where
a junky old freighter was sitting. Junky, but it still looked
ten times better than the Hedgehog.
Nodoka stopped behind a group of scruffy looking people
firing their blasters at a group of stormtroopers attempting
to enter the hangar from the opposite side without getting
their asses shot off. But she turned her attention to the
other side of the hangar. That was where she saw him.
Obi Wan Kenobi. Her eyes immediately narrowed, and
she glared in his direction. Never mind that he was currently
engaged in a lightsaber duel with someone, her owed her
alimony!
As if they were connected by the mysterious force, able
to feel each other's presence, Obi Wan glanced over and
almost visibly flinched at the sight of his angry ex-wife.
One of the scruffy, violent people also saw Obi Wan and
yelled to him, but Nodoka could see her ex-husband had his
attention on her.
"I am a dead man," Obi Wan said quietly. "Only one way
out of this..." With a look of peace and tranquility, knowing
he would finally be free of his ex-wife's wrath, he held his
lightsaber up and allowed Vader to strike him down.
With a rather unlady-like yell of rage, Nodoka brought
her lightkatana to life, but before she ran to the place her
ex-husband had fallen she turned.
Kasumi was slightly frightened by the wild-eyed look
Nodoka was giving her.
"Yes, dear, you can help me. Obi Wan won't be able to
escape that easily," Nodoka said pleasantly. "Kasumi,
remember everything I've taught you because I know you have
the potential inside you. And never succumb to the dark side
of the Force. Now if you would be so kind as to lop off my
head..." Nodoka smiled gently, then switched the lightkatana
off and handed it to Kasumi.
Kasumi took it gingerly, looking at Nodoka. The woman
was completely serious, deadly serious about what she was
asking, and well, what was Kasumi to do? She couldn't
refuse and offend Nodoka. But she didn't want to get in the
middle of their marital problems.
"Come now, I can assure you I won't feel a thing. My
body will become immaterial and I'll be a spirit where I can
finally get Obi Wan to admit to what a rotten husband he
was." Nodoka smiled the entire time.
Kasumi looked at Nodoka, then at the lightkatana in her
hands. Pointing it downward, she activated the blade,
completely ignoring the stormtroopers and blaster fire and
general chaos around them. "You're sure..."
"Quite sure. Just remember what I've told you. And
always do your best. And don't forget to sweep and wet mop
before you wax. And preheat for cookies 10 minutes before
you bake. And..."
OK, this was getting tiresome. Kasumi let out a small
sigh and brought the weapon up. "Of course I will." Kasumi
swung the blade daintily, cutting down Nodoka in the same
way Obi Wan had just been.
Looking slightly disturbed by the pile of empty clothing
at her feet, Kasumi wondered if she should pick it up before
she headed back to the ship.
A laserbolt zoomed past her head. Probably not.
"Run, Kasumi, run!"
She did.
After a few seconds, she remembered that she had just
cut Nodoka in half. Which made the sudden appearance of her
voice telling Kasumi to run rather odd.
Still, it was good advice.
She raced up the Hedgehog's ramp to find Chawbaka
trying to pound a male Ranma through the floor, headfirst. Oh
dear.
*WHAM!* "Ow!" *WHAM!* "Hey, cut it out, ya hairy
idiot!" "RRRRRAUGH!" *WHAM!* "I said, quit it!"
"Oh my," Kasumi ventured. "You're denting the
deckplaces, Chawbaka."
*WHAM!* "Help!" "RRROOOROUGH!" *WHAM!*
Disturbed, Kasumi briskly walked up to the cockpit,
where Akane was preparing for departure. "Excuse me,
Captain Soro? Your Wookiee is pounding the Princess's head
into the deck."
The young smuggler glanced up, concerned. "Any
damage?"
"Well, surprisingly, she.. he's still concisous..."
"Who cares about him? I meant to the deck."
"It's badly dented."
Scowling fiercely, Akane stomped back to the
passenger area. "C-Chan! Stop that this instant!"
The Wookiee ignored her, and continued trying to
hammer Ranma through a wall. Akane blinked. Usually her
voice would bring Chawbaka to heel instantly.
"CHAWBAKA! PUT THE SNOTTY JERK DOWN! NOW!" There.
A full-fledged Akane Soro Scream, the kind that had roughly
the same effect as a stungun on full power.
Unbelievably, Chawbaka continued to ignore her,
completely engrossed in his human carpentry.
Despite a occassionally savage temper, Akane Soro
really was a very tolerant person. You had to be, in this
business, and with a first mate like the one she had. But
there was one thing that would set her off every time, and
that thing was people ignoring her.
Drawing her blaster, she set it to 'light stun', and fired.
It took three shots before Chawbaka finally dropped to
the deck. The 'Princess' fell as well, out cold from the
baseball-sized lump on his head.
Akane holstered her blaster, amazed. She had never
seen Chawbaka so enraged before, even counting the time
that the Bothan portmaster had tried to get her to do
something disgusting in exchange for waiving the docking
fees. Granted, Ranma was aggravating... but that had been one
really pissed off Wookiee.
"Kasumi, look after these two idiots. I'm going to get
us out of here." She stopped about halfway down the cockpit
access hall. "Hey, where's Nodoka?"
Kasumi fidgeted. "Oh. She's dead, I'm afraid."
"Aw, jeez. Sorry." Akane made a brief effort to say
something comforting, then gave up and continued on her way
to the cockpit, feeling slightly depressed. She knew lots of
dead people, but knowing one more was still enough of make
her sniffle a little. Besides, the other woman had been a bit
like what she daydreamed her mother would have been.
She brushed a tear from her eye as she revved the
engines and used the belly guns to shoot the stormtroopers
just now entering the hanger. It wasn't easy, being an orphan.
If only she hadn't lost her parents and sisters in that freak
nerf herding accident... the Soros had been well-meaning
foster parents, but life in a nerf-herding colony was
terrible. It meant herding nerfs, for one thing.
The hangar clear, she pulled back on the throttle,
prayed they wouldn't put a tractor beam on her, and roared
out of the docking bay like a bat out of hell.
***
In the fire control center, Grand Moff Tarkin watched
yet another grungy little Rebel freighter zoom for deep
space. Really, couldn't the Rebels be bothered to fight in
respectible-looking craft?
"Sir? Shall we open fire?"
Tarkin shook his head. "It's not worth the energy
expenditure. Besides, their escape will undoubtably annoy
Lord Ono." And anything that annoyed the Dark Moron of the
Sith was fine in Tarkin's book. He actually felt sorry for
Vader; Ono was an embarrassment to Sith Lords everywhere.
The worst part of it, and something that even Tarkin
would never dare mention, was that Ono was better at the
whole Force thing than Vader. Their one quarrel had ended
with Ono bouncing Vader about the room like a black-
armored racquetball.
This escape would upset Ono immensely. And that, in
turn, would improve Vader's mood enormously, which would
make him much easier to work with.
Tarkin rubbed his forehead absently. A Grand Moff's lot
is not a happy one. He almost wished he hadn't sent Daala off
to the middle of nowhere, but it had been that or die of
sexual exhaustion.
He permitted himself a small smile. At least he had
fixed that silly exhaust port weakness. He hoped one of the
attacking rebels actually did get a torpedo in, just so their
tiny little minds could be utterly baffled and horrified when
the Death Star failed to explode.
***
"Once again, I've saved us all," Akane proudly announced
to the room.
"Hark, how wonderous are the skills of the talented
Akane Soro! Come to mine golden arms*punch*zzzzzzzurk."
"Yeah, what a brilliant flight plan," muttered Ranma,
holding a medpack to the lump on his head. Akane glared at
him.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm saying that only a bloodthirsty maniac like you
would plot an escape course straight through a TIE Fighter
training flight."
"I was trying to throw them off guard."
"Was circling them five times to throw them off guard
too?"
"Aheh, well..."
"How about shooting at them when they failed to get
the hint and attack you?"
"They might have just been waiting for us to turn our
attention away," Akane weakly offered. Ranma rolled his
eyes.
"I don't know who's the more battle-happy of ya, you or
that furball of yours." He thought for a second. "Nice piloting,
though."
Akane stammered and blushed.
"I coulda done better, but not bad for a chick."
"WHY YOU!"
From the other end of the lounge, Kasumi frowned
slightly. "I think Chawbaka is coming around, Captain Soro."
Glaring at the ex-princess, Akane walked to stand over
the blinking Wookiee. "And just what was all that about, C-
Chan?"
A barrage of agitated, furious growls came in return.
Akane blinked in surprise, and turned to Ranma. "He says
you're his sworn enemy for the crimes you've committed, and
that because of you, he's seen Hell." She stared at him in
amazement. "What on earth did you do to him? I've never
heard him that upset about anything!"
"I never did nothin'!" Ranma protested, raising his
hands. "I was sittin' here when he comes out of the cockpit,
sees me, and tries ta mash my head through the floor! I never
met him before in my life!"
Frowning, Akane looked back at the snarling Wookiee.
"C-Chan, are you sure this is the person you're after?"
"Roo-rogh!"
"What on earth did he do, anyway?"
A look of supreme terror and embarassment came over
the Wookiee's face. He growled something inaudible, and
tried to look casual.
Akane sighed. "Right. Look, until you at least tell me
what he did that was so horrible, I don't want you killing
him."
Chawbaka gave a frustrated growl, but unhappily
nodded his agreement.
"Wonderful copilot you have there," grumbled Ranma.
"I'd sell him to a circus, if I was you."
"Stop picking on C-Chan," Akane said mildly, drawing
her blaster. "If whatever you did turns out to be really as bad
as he claims, I'll shoot you myself."
Ranma began to respond, looked at the stupidly
overpowered blaster and at the expression on Akane's face,
and wisely remained silent.
"He's normally a very nice young Wookiee," Kasumi
volunteered.
"That's right," Akane said. "Anyway, you said the Rebel
base was on Yavin, right? We should be dropping out of
hyperspace in about an hour."
Kasumi raised a hand hesitantly.
"And yes, I was the one who plotted the course."
The hand was lowered.
***
The green moon of Yavin IV was bustling with activity.
After all, it was scheduled to cease to exist pretty soon.
A large stone temple had been converted into a
starfighter hangar/base of operations. Pilots and ground
crew ran to and fro, prepping their ships for the coming
battle.
Kasumi strolled through the chaos, almost drooling.
These were far, far better than the old landspeeders and
skyhoppers she had flown back on Tatooine.
The Incom X-Wings in particular caught her eye. The
same corporation manufactured her favorite skyhopper, and
the speed/handling ratio on them was supposed to be
amazing. The weaponry wasn't as substantial as some other
designs, but who cared about weaponry? Who on earth
wanted to shoot things, anyway?
The core of Kasumi The Driving Fiend was a mental
image of a happy little bluebird, singing cheerfully as it
flew in happy loops and spirals. Guns really didn't hold any
particular appeal to her.
"Miss Tendo? Is that you?"
She turned, vaguely surprised at hearing a familar
voice. "Oh my. Luke?"
The Skywalker boy nodded. "Yeah. What are you doing
here? The place is about to be attacked by the Empire!" He
sounded entirely too enthusiastic about the prospect, but
then Kasumi had always suspected that he wasn't very
bright.
"I was just looking at the Incoms," she said cheerfully,
wondering what on earth Luke was doing in a Rebel hangar
instead of minding his Uncle's crops. "Maybe they'll let me
fly one of them later."
Luke nodded enthusiatically. "Hey, yeah, that's right!
You used to fly like anything, back home! You even did the
Beggar's Canyon run without using the airbrakes once!"
Kasumi demurely acknowledged that she had.
"Wait right here!"
Somewhat relieved, Kasumi watched Luke scamper off
and turned her attention back to the starfighters. She
pictured herself flying one of them, turning graceful loops
and delicate rolls, singing her heart out.
"You Tendo?"
Startled out of her daydream, she glanced at the deck
officer who had spoken. "Oh my. Yes?"
"Can you really fly as good as the kid says?"
Kasumi squinted at Luke. "How good is that?"
"He says better than him."
"Oh. Yes."
"Good enough for me." If the cocky young hotshot
admitted that ANYONE was better than him, the deck officer
reasoned, then they had to be pretty good. "Wanna fly?"
Beaming with delight, Kasumi mutely nodded.
"Right." Taking out a checklist, he marked off a number
and handed her a datacard. "You're Gold 23. Check out your
flight togs and a astromech, see to your assigned fighter,
and report to the ready room in two hours."
Kasumi happily took the card. "Thank you!"
"You're welcome. Good luck." The deck officer shook his
head and strolled off. With the possible exception of the
Skywalker kid, he had never seen anyone so eager to go on a
suicide mission before.
For her part, Kasumi's glee was only mildly dampened
by the fact that her assigned craft would be a Koensayr
Longprobe, the 'Y-Wing', rather than the beautifully sleek
Incoms. The Y-Wing was nowhere near as graceful, she
reasoned, but the top speed was better. She hoped she would
get a chance to look at the engine before she had to take off.
***
"You will be required to manuever straight down this
trench..."
Akane irritably tried to tune out the noise from the
adjacent briefing room. Stupid Rebels and their silly attacks.
Still, she supposed it was good for business, and she liked
the idea of attacking the Empire.
"23,000 credits," she firmly told the bureaucrat. They
were like cockroaches, she thought blackly. Even in the
middle of an anti-government military camp of wild-eyed
fanatics, you had people like the calmly arrogant man sitting
in front of her.
As far was she could tell, their only reason for
existance was to stand between her and her money.
"I'm afraid that's out of the question. However, in
gratitude for your daring rescue of an obscure member of
royalty from a minor planet only loosely affiliated with the
Alliance, we're willing to give you all brevet promotions to
Lieutenant. Junior Grade, of course. Pay dependant on duties."
"Perhaps you misunderstood me," Akane told him,
fighting down the urge to simply shoot him. "I said I want
23,000 credits, not to join the Rebel Alliance."
The paymaster gave her a bland smile. "I understood
you. Very well, how about 1,000 credits and free ship
repairs?"
"23,000 credits, and the Empire already repaired the
ship free of charge."
"They have a bigger budget."
A lanky figure in a rather rakish vest strolled in. "I'm
here for my reward. Oh, heya Soro."
Akane gave the new arrival a neutral glance. "Solo."
"Gotten yourself a better ship yet, kid?"
"There's nothing wrong with my ship," she levelly
replied. "Dumped any spice lately?"
"Not recently. Your first mate find his sense of
direction yet?"
"Chewbacca ever learn how to count above five, Han?"
The paperpusher watched the two smugglers with
fascination, and wondered if either of them was going to kill
the other. He hoped so. It would save precious credits from
the reward fund.
"It true what they say about you and your Wookiee?"
Han asked, somehow managing to put whole volumes of
obscene suggestions into a single raised eyebrow.
Akane blinked.
"I don't know, what do they say?"
Han blinked.
"Well, I mean, you know..."
A mystified expression rolled across Akane's face. The
bureaucrat scratched his head. Han just blinked again.
"That you, you know, sleep together?" he finally
ventured.
Akane's face darkened. Han began to wonder if he had
pressed his luck a bit too far.
"Are you suggesting," Akane said, her tone ice cold,
"Are you suggesting that the Hedgehog doesn't have adequate
sleeping facilities?"
They felt the resulting facefault all the way across the
base.
"Anyway," the penpusher said, picking himself up off
the floor, "Here's your reward, Captain Solo. 23,000 credits."
Akane gaped. "Wha uh huh? He gets it, just like that?"
The bureaucrat shrugged. "Hey, he rescued Princess
Leia."
"Wears white, has a hairdo like a pair of earmuffs?"
"Uh-huh," nodded Han, grinning. "Seeya around, Soro.
Assuming you don't get lost for good." Chuckling, he left,
credstick newly charged.
Akane barely kept herself from screaming. "I could
have rescued a mint. Instead, I get Ranma the Sexchanging
Wonderbrat. Why? Why does the universe hate me?"
"2000 credits and a crate of Rebellion T-Shirts, and
that's my final offer."
***
"Hey, Wookiee!"
Chawbaka looked up from his Death Star Fun Book
coloring activity and snarled ominously.
Ranma raised his hands, backing up. "Hey, cool off,
willya? Look, I just wanna talk. See? I even brought a
Wookiee-to-Human translator box." Cautiously walking over,
he set a metal cube on the table and flicked it on. "Honest,
man, I never met you before in my life."
The Wookiee growled out a angry string of syllables,
which the box sucked in and spat out in normal language.
"Damn you, Saotome! Because of you, I've seen HELL!"
Ranma blinked. "You mean I somehow got you your job
with Captain Soro?"
"No! Akane is good, kind, gentle, sweet..."
"We _are_ talking about the same Akane Soro, right?"
Chawbaka glared at him. "Curse you! It's because of you
that I'm like this!"
"Stupid?"
"NO! Remember when you were captured the first time,
and a platoon of idealistic young Rebel heroes tried to break
you out?"
Ranma scratched his head. "You mean the mercenaries
who tried to kidnap me back from the Empire in order to hold
me for ransom? Yeah, that was right after they tested that
damn transformation process on me." He shuddered.
"Do you remember the person you shoved out of your
way as you ran in cowardly terror for the exit? Platoon
Leader Ryoga Hibiki?"
Ranma shrugged. "The guy who tried to grab me? Yeah. I
gave him a good shove, but I aimed him for that tank of liquid
to break his fall. Why?"
The Wookiee snarled. "You idiot! Didn't you even look at
the label on the tank?"
"Um, er... yeah, something like 'Wookiee Metamorph
Matrix Proto..." he trailed off. "Oh. Uh-oh. You mean..."
Chawbaka nodded, showing his fangs.
"Oh. Whoops." Ranma chuckled somewhat nervously.
"Sorry, man. Look, why don't I get you some hot water so that
we can talk without this box..."
"BECAUSE THE DAMN MATRIX WASN'T DONE YET!"
Chawbaka bellowed. "It was one-way only! I'm stuck like
this!"
Ranma gaped at him. "Oh. Oh, man."
"I wandered for days after I escaped," Chawbaka said
bitterly. "I had lost the knowledge of human speech, and the
only other Wookiees I met thought that I was insane! I
probably would have really gone crazy, too, if Akane hadn't
taken me in." The massive being gave a wistful sigh. "I
couldn't even pronounce my name, so I just gave her
something Wookieesque to call me. She was kind and patient
with me, and before long I had fallen in love with her." His
expression darkened. "A love which she'll never return,
because she thinks I'm a damn Wookiee, and it's all your
fault!"
Ranma looked down. "Gee. I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean
to..." He blinked, a thought hitting him. "Hey, hold on, what do
you mean she thinks you're a Wookiee? Didn't you tell her?"
Chawbaka flushed, and shrunk a bit, averting his gaze.
Ranma stared at him incredulously.
"You mean you haven't told her!?"
"It took a long time for her to learn to speak Wookiee!"
Chawbaka snapped defensively. "By then, it would have been...
awkward for me to tell her."
"You've lost me."
The Wookiee flushed a bright red. "Captain Soro is, ah,
somewhat casual about wearing clothing when there's no
passengers aboard and the ship is in hyperspace."
Ranma stared at him. "No way."
Shifting uncomfortably, the Wookiee blushed an even
deeper red. "I tried to keep busy in some other part of the
ship, but I had chores to do, and she would have been hurt if I
stayed away from her altogether..."
"...So you've been getting to drool over her in the buff
because she thinks you're really a alien who's idea of a
desirable sex partner is a skinny gorrila. Right." Ranma
snorted in disgust. "No wonder you're afraid to tell her. Not
that I really blame you. She is kinda cute..."
Chawbaka eyed him ominously.
"For a macho chick pilot, anyway," Ranma hurriedly
finished. "Look, sorry about the Wookiee thing. I really didn't
mean to."
"It doesn't matter what you meant! Because of you, I'm
a walking shag carpet!"
"But hey, man, look! I got the cure in the R2 unit,
remember?"
Chawbaka straighened sharply. "That's right! The cure!
Quick, what do I have to do?"
Ranma shrugged. "Well, it's not the actual cure. It's
just the location of the lab designed to reverse the
treatment. I figure we can just storm the place and force
them to cure us."
The Wookiee grinned savagely. "Damn right we will!
Now, where's.."
He froze.
"Hold on. Didn't Nodoka say that the plans looked an
awful lot like the..."
Ranma moaned, seeing it. "Death Star. Oh, geez, we just
broke out of there!"
Chawbaka shrugged philosophically. "It'll still be there
when we return."
A door opened down the hall. "Now man your ships, and
may The Force be with you." A cheer was heard, and pilots in
flight gear rushed out.
Ranma looked at Chawbaka.
Chawbaka looked at Ranma.
"Hahah. They don't have a chance in hell, right?"
"Not a chance. Eheh."
Chawbaka looked at Ranma.
Ranma looked at Chawbaka.
"Oh shit."
"We need a ship, NOW."
"We can take the Hedgehog. Can you fly?"
Ranma grinned. "Can I fly? C'mon, let's go."
***
Kasumi clambered into the cockpit, absently wondering
why everyone seemed so excited. She had been too busy
tuning the Y-Wing's engine to attend the briefing, but she
figured that she'd just follow the lead of everyone else.
After all, they must like to fly too.
Although they didn't know how to keep a lovely
starfighter in peak condition. Why, she had cleaned the
thrust heads, and adjusted the fusion manifold, and installed
the Ion-Enhancer fix that improved speed dramatically, and
hardly ever caused the engine to explode violently. Kasumi
always felt that it was a silly thing to ban. Anyway, a good
two hours of work had done wonders to the handling and
pushed the top speed well beyond the design tolerance.
Buckling herself in, she hit the rear intercom button.
"Ready to go, HT?"
The little droid gave a series of dubious beeps. It had
been talking to the Y-Wing's diagnostic computer about the
new modifications, and was unnerved by the fact that the
computer was doing the digital equivalent of huddling in a
corner gibbering with terror.
Undismayed, Kasumi fired up the engines and, with the
rest of Gold Flight, zoomed into space.
She had never actually flown a craft out of the high
atmosphere. It wasn't, she was finding, much of a change. In
fact, it was actually easier, since you didn't have to worry
about wind and gravity.
Her intercom crackled. "Gold Flight, this is Gold Leader.
You know the mission. Either we blow that station to Hell
and back, or no-one goes home. Got that?"
Oh. Oh my.
She pressed the intercom. "You mean this is a combat
mission?"
The rest of Gold Flight laughed heartily in their
cockpits, relieved that someone was making a joke to ease
the tension.
"Remember, we're going to be outgunned severely. If it
has wings and doesn't have a name beginning with X or Y, it
wants to kill you. Most of us probably aren't going to make it
back, but we all know what's at stake. All that matters is
that one of us makes it."
Kasumi was getting a very, very bad feeling about this.
By the time Gold Leader finished describing the towers, TIE
Fighter squadrons, turbolaser batteries, and gunboats
waiting for them at the Death Star, she was just a tad edgy.
Well. Goodness. If she was going to fly into all that
terrible a mess, she'd better run the Y-Wing through it's
paces. She had already looked to see where the guns were.
She broke formation slightly, climbing to test the
stick responce.
"Gold 23! Tai, above you, 5-O-Clock!"
Yaah! They must be diving at her from above! Almost
panicking, Kasumi quickly fired the upper turret guns in the
direction indicated by the warning cry.
"*&^%%$$#%@! My port engine! She shot my port engine
off!"
"Gold 23, have you lost your mind?"
Kasumi whimpered, and looked through the top
viewport to see a Y-Wing above her breaking formation, one
engine nacelle missing. "But... but you said there was a TIE
Fighter at...."
"No, I warned you that you were in danger of colliding
with Daav Tai. Gold 17."
"Oh. Oh dear."
"Gold Leader, I'm going to have to return to base.
Sorry."
"That's okay, Daav."
"Good luck."
"Sorry," Kasumi meekly told the intercom.
***
Somewhat guiltily, the two conspirators snuck up the
ramp of the _Impudent Hedgehog_.
"Rraurgh," commented Chawbaka dubiously.
"Don't worry, we'll be there and back before she even
notices that it's gone," Ranma told him reassuringly. "No
sweat."
Going up to the cockpit, they fired up the engine and
zoomed out of the hangar.
In the pilot's seat, Ranma's brow was dripping with
sweat. Not because of the fact that his cure might be about
to go up in an atomic fireball. Not because he was about to
board the biggest existing Imperial battlestation with his
only companion a psychotic Wookiee who hated his guts. No,
that he could deal with. It was just that it was damn hot in
the cockpit, probably due to the engine vents under the seat.
"Sheesh," he muttered, slipping out of his clothing as
he mopped away the persperation. "No wonder she went
around bare when she could. This junkheap needs an air
conditioner."
Chawbaka gave a noncommital growl, pointed to the
engine readouts and left. Probably to go tend the overheating
furnance, or power plant, or wood-burning stove, or
whatever infernal energy source powered the Hedgehog.
Even from the other side of the solar system, he could
already see the Death Star, looking like the nastiest steel
marble in the galaxy. He smiled grimly, and took another sip
from the glass of ice water he had poured himself.
A footstep echoed on the deck behind him, and he
swiveled the chair around. "Yo, Wookiee, the engine... uh...."
"C-Chan, why are we in... oh my..."
Akane Soro, having woken up from her nap, had changed
into her Stupidly-Hot-Cockpit outfit. Namely, the same thing
Ranma was wearing. Namely, nothing.
There was a highly awkward moment of silence and
stares of horrified fascination. This was immediately
followed by hands moving to cover certain areas. And then by
Captain Soro screaming in indignation.
"PERVERT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING FLYING MY SHIP!"
Ranma waved his hands in a gesture of innocence,
remembered that those hands needed to be concealing
something, and hastily moved them back. "Er, ah, just getting
the ship into space, didn't wanna wake you..."
"AND WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING ANY CLOTHES?"
"Well, why aren't you?"
Akane turned a bright red. "GET OUT OF MY COCKPIT!"
"But, see, we gotta..."
"OUT! OUT! OUT!"
Ranma's mind reeled. His cure was gonna get blown up!
"Hey, Kasumi!" he said, frantically looking over the
irate Captain Soro's shoulder. Akane glanced behind her, and
Ranma smoothly drew his blaster, flicked it to 'light stun',
and shot her. For a terrifying moment she turned, gave him a
baleful look, and then collapsed to the deck.
Chawbaka picked this moment to enter. He took one
look at the scene, gave a bellow of fury, and rushed for
Ranma.
"Gah! Hey, wait! It's only stun! Gaaaaaaaacccccck!" The
Wookiee's hand clamped aroound his throat. "Gaaaaaaaccck....
she was gonna makeusturnback! Only stun!"
Snarling ominously, Chawbaka glanced back at Akane,
looking somewhat mollified when he noticed that she was
snoring like a chainsaw. Reluctantly, he set Ranma down.
"Jeez, grumpy Wookiee." He glanced guiltily at Akane.
"You'd better take her back to her quarters or somethin'. I
mean, we can't just leave her on the floor. She'd get in the
way."
Chawbaka nodded, bent over, and froze. A thin trickle
of blood ran from one tufted nostril, and he glanced
helplessly at Ranma.
The Neriman prince snorted. "What? I'm not gonna do it!
You want _me_ to touch the ugly chick? At least you ain't
even the same species!"
Smirking, the Wookiee grabbed the glass of ice water
and soaked him.
"Augh! What'd you do that for! Oh. Right." Sighing, she
grabbed up Akane's limp form in a fireman's carry. "Her
quarters are toward the middle, right? By the second cargo
hold?"
Chawbaka nodded. Ranma sighed. "Just don't touch the
controls, okay? I'll be right back."
She walked down the corridor, stopping before a door
with "Captain Akane Soro" carefully painted on it. Shifting
the load in her arms uncomfortably, Ranma pushed it open.
And blinked.
Ranma had expected the fearsome Captain Soro's cabin
to be a lot like the rest of the ship. Functional (barely),
spartan, feminine as a sledgehammer, with perhaps a gun
rack or a collection of severed heads to add a bit of color.
She definitely hadn't expected it to be painted a pale
pink.
There were trophies on a narrow, shabby table. High
School Shooting team, Varsity Piloting, Honorable Mention
For Bakeoff Competition. Ranma tried and failed to imagine
Akane baking anything with a non-lethal instrument.
A bookshelf had several rather dogeared paperbacks,
their covers all various shades of purple, pink, and silver. A
closer examination revealed that they had titles like "Love
Roams The Spaceways," and "Untamed Heart".
The slightly open wardrobe had several pairs of
rumpled Functional Smuggler Clothing, and a neatly pressed
pink dress tucked in a corner. It had ruffles. It was cute as
the dickens. And it had the sort of stiff, new quality that
suggested that it had never been worn, and the sort of
plastic slipcover that suggested that it wasn't going to be
worn any time soon. A folded school uniform, slightly dusty,
peeked out from behind a knitting needle and pair of half-
mended socks.
Ranma carefully set her down on the bed - which had
enough frilly lace to clothe an entire platoon of French maids
- and pulled the covers over her. There was a battered
stuffed nerf on one corner of the frilly coverlet... which, she
noted with mounting horror, had a cross-eyed kitten stitched
on it... and she stared in disbelief as Dread Captain Soro
sleepily grabbed it and cuddled it. The nerf's one remaining
button eye glared balefully at Ranma.
Quietly, feeling like a complete bastard, she left. The
Death Star would be coming up soon.
***
"Here we go!"
"Oh my!"
The pilots who survived the Battle of Yavin would talk
about many things. They'd mention Skywalker's run down the
trench. They'd sadly recall the men who didn't come back. And
they'd talk about That Maniac Piloting Gold 23.
Kasumi wasn't very good with guns. So she stopped
using them.
She saved the lives of just about every member of Gold
Flight at least once. A TIE Fighter would be bearing down on
them, guns spitting death, when all of a sudden the Y-Wing
would roar through the Imperial formation like a sparrow on
PCP, sending the TIEs scrambling to get out of the way, or
reeling from the wake. Several collided with each other in
their mad efforts to avoid the obviously insane Rebel in the
stupidly fast Y-Wing.
Around her, men screamed, swore, fought, and died.
Inside Gold 23's cockpit, Kasumi's happy little bluebird
was singing it's deranged little heart out.
***
Ranma and Chawbaka stared at the battle.
"Man, look at this mess!"
"Roogh."
Picking up the transmitter, Ranma sent a channel to
the Death Star. "Death Star, this is the supply freighter! Open
a docking bay, now!"
"Please state your identification code and registra..."
"Let us in! Before we're killed! It's a damn war out
here!"
"I'm afraid I need to..."
"Does this ship _look_ like an X-Wing? Let us in NOW,
or you can get your damn pleasure holodiscs somewhere
else!"
"Pleasure Holo...? Right. Bay 34 is open, supply
freighter."
Ranma smirked.
She maneuvered the ship easily into bay 34, touching
down gently. Hopping out of the pilot's seat, Ranma located
the small container of hot water she had been saving for an
emergency. This seemed as good an emergency as any and
poured it over her head, changing back to male.
Now if he could just avoid cold water and keep the
"princess" from putting in an appearance, things should go
smoothly. If Chawbaka could manage to control himself.
Stupid Wookiee.
Quickly redressing, Ranma strapped a blaster holster on
just in case. Sometimes it came in handy to shoot the control
panels of doors so they slammed in a mob of Imperial
stormtrooper's faces.
"Yo, hairball, are ya coming, or what?" he yelled, having
not a clue where the pathetic fool had gone. He waited a
moment, walking slowly to the ramp, listening for a response.
Shaking his head, he tried again. "Hey..."
"Raaawwr," Chawbaka answered from right behind
Ranma.
Ranma squawked and leapt six feet away, hitting his
head on the low ceiling. "Whadja do that for?" he yelled,
rubbing the top of his head.
"Roarawr."
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Aww, geez." He pulled the
translator cube out of his shirt and switched it on. "Look, we
gotta get to the lab and fast." Ranma began walking more
quickly to the ramp. "They seemed pretty friendly before, so
maybe we could just ask for the deluxe tour or somethin'
stupid. Unless you got a better look at the plans, 'cause I
didn't see too close where it was."
He stopped and looked back at Chawbaka. Who just
happened to be wandering in the other direction. "I guess we
take the tour."
"C'mon, hairball. We got to get this cure and get out."
Ranma jogged back, grabbed Chawbaka's considerable arm, and
pulled him in the other direction.
Chawbaka looked confused for a moment, then his gaze
darkened. "We can't just leave Akane here! Who knows what
kind of things the filthy Imperial swine will..."
"Give it a rest, 'C-Chan'. I don't think they're that
desperate. Yet."
"Don't call me C-Chan. Only Akane calls me that."
"Right, furface." Ranma lowered the ramp.
Chawbaka growled dangerously. "Don't call me furface!"
Ranma looked at him while the ramp continued to lower.
"Rasta-Wookiee?"
"Why you..."
"You ARE lookin' kinda stringy. When's the last time you
been to have that coat trimmed? I mean, I seen banthas
better lookin' than you." Ranma had a big cocky grin on his
face.
"Now you DIE!"
***
The ramp began to lower, too slowly, and the group of
eager officers and troopers awaiting their pick of pleasure
holodiscs leaned forward in anticipation.
What they weren't anticipating was a young man,
dressed in a red shirt and black pants, hurtling out of the ship
at them.
Ranma shouted a warning, then covered his face with
his arms as he plowed into the group of Imperial personnel.
The was the last time he was ever dumb enough to tease a
sensitive Wookiee like that.
Knocking them all aside and flying across the bay to
impact with the wall, Ranma slid to the floor and mumbled,
"Ouch."
Chawbaka stomped down the ramp after him, growling
the entire time. He stepped on one unfortunate officer, who
was never quite able to get the smell out of that uniform
again.
Ranma sat up slowly, rubbing his head yet again,
grimacing. "Stupid Wookiee. 'S justa joke." Shaking off the
pain, he assessed the situation quickly.
One foaming Wookiee, one group of... frustrated Imperial
drones, and one giant battle station about to be blown to bits
along with his cure. Right, priorities.
"Besides, we gotta get that cure! Then you can cough up
a hairball on me!" he yelled, bringing the Wookiee to a halt.
"Maybe..."
"Let's get going." He spared a glance at the ship, hoped
Akane would be... wouldn't get her tomboy butt in too much
trouble, and headed into the heart of the Death Star. Or at
least to the cafeteria. He was starving.
***
"Hey, buddy," Ranma said, trying to sound oh so
nonchalant. "I've heard something about a Project J. Mind
showing it to us?"
"Well, it's not really on the way, but I suppose, for a
couple of guys like yourselves, I can make the exception. You
know the entire station is supposed to be under alert," the
guide offered happily. "Something about rebels blowing the
place up, or some other nonsense." He laughed. "That's about
the silliest thing I've ever heard. How about you?"
Ranma gave him a sick smile. "Yeah, pretty stupid," he
said weakly.
The guide continued on. "Yeah, I don't know why you
guys would actually want to see Project J. It's nothing
interesting really. Just a bunch of big vat-type things and
scientists running around all over the place. And I've seen
some real weird stuff there too, doing the tour at peak hours
and all."
"Weird stuff?" Ranma asked. "What, like dancing pandas
or somethin'?"
The guide laughed. "Nothing that normal!" The look on
his face suddenly grew very serious. "I'll tell you what,
though... Not too long ago, I saw some guy, poor bastard, walk
in human and he came out..." The guide shuddered. "He was
some big slimey, tentacled thing, one big eye on a stalk,
slithering around. It escaped and went down into the the
garbage disposal system." He laughed suddenly. "For all we
know, it's still down there."
Ranma and Chawbaka looked aghast at the tale.
"I asked about it later, to maybe tell it to scare the
kids, and they said that it had been some captain Lord Ono had
gotten fed up with. Captain Taro I think was the name." The
guide shook his head, honking the little horn on the tram to
clear a group of TIE fighter pilots out of the way.
"That's rough," Ranma replied sympathetically.
"Yeah. I knew that guy. He was pretty much a jerk, but
to be turned into a big, ugly slimeball..." He brightened.
"We're here!"
***
Akane awoke slowly, her head throbbing. The last thing
she remembered was... was...
"RANMA!"
"Wow! She's lively! I want a copy of this one!"
"She's cute too!"
"Whoa ho ho... She's naked!"
Akane stared at the group of men leering at her from her
doorway. "What are you doing on my ship, PERVERTS!" She
pulled the blaster out from underneath her pillow and began
firing away, absently pulling a blanket up to cover herself.
***
The crappy thing about being a lieutenant was that he
wasn't allowed to actually go on board and remove the
precious cargo. Instead, he had to stay outside and supervise
it all. That always meant the best discs were gone by the
time he got to them. Oh, to be an enlisted man again.
But, as quickly as the men had rushed into the ship,
pushing and shoving each other, they were currently on their
way out in the same fashion.
He gaped as the group of men knocked each other aside,
yelling something about a rabid... wampa? They rushed past
him and were quickly followed by blaster fire in a rather wild
pattern.
Ducking himself, he dove to the side, and peered at the
ramp through the heavy cover of some containers of
imported... fruit cake? Not again.
Of course, as soon as the "rabid wampa" appeared, the
officer's face grew very red and he got them stupidest grin on
his face.
If THAT was a rabid wampa, he was gonna move to Hoth
and learn to like cold baths.
In fact, it was only Akane, a towel barely wrapped
around herself, the blaster leveled in front of her, her hair in
complete disarray, and the cutest pissed off look on her face.
"PERVERTS! GET BACK HERE!"
Hmphing, Akane turned and disappeared into the ship.
***
"Lord Ono, I have your report."
"Excellent. Let me see."
The numbers for the week's tours of Project J flashed
on screen.
Tofu made a strangled noise. "Not THIS report, you
imbecile! The rebels, the rebels!"
"My Lord, Vader is supervising..."
"Not THOSE rebels! Princess Saotome!"
"Uh..." Shrugging was the young officer's last act.
Wiping some stray mess off himself, Tofu shook his
head. "Do I have to do everything myself?"
***
Akane quickly changed into her regular outfit, still
miffed over the crowd of Imperial hentais staring at her. And
she had it all to blame on Ranma. Ranma who took her ship,
stared at her when she was naked, actually shot her, then left
her there for the pervert jackals.
She would have his pigtail in a vice if it was the last
thing she did.
There was a creaking noise and when she looked, Akane
saw that she had her hand closed around some vital
components of C-KN0. She looked at the droid curiously, then
shrugged and released her hold. It was only a droid, and a
damn annoying one at that.
Unfortunately, her little temper control exercise had
also alerted the droid, who was just coming out of shutdown
mode. "Who would dare damage the... Oh! The mighty space
huntress! Please let me serve you!" He reached out with his
one functional arm to her.
It was beginning to be habit to just imbed her fist in
the droid's face whenever it started talking. Not that it
wasn't a helpful habit or anything.
But anyway, she had another "princess" to rescue. She
figured Ranma had probably kidnapped C-Chan to drag him
along on some silly... She paused to shoot a pair of Death
Squad troopers who happened to wander by.
Some silly thing that princes and princesses couldn't
live without, and was probably back in the prison block, and it
would be up to Akane Soro to save the day again. Sighing,
Akane took out a pair of stormtroopers carrying big boxes of
toys labeled 'Imperial Toys for Tots'.
Damn Empire.
***
Ranma and Chawbaka both had their faces pressed
against the thick protective glass that surrounded the lab
area of Project J. Thankfully, they were the only tourists on
the tour this time, so no-one but the guide saw the big drool
smears they were leaving.
"You really think it's that interesting?" their guide
asked, looking disinterestedly through the glass.
The two nodded absently, their eyes wide and shining at
the prospect of getting cured.
"You know, if you're that interested, I can get you a look
at it close up," the guide offered. Accommodating the guest
was good hype for the Empire. The kid looked like a promising
recruit. The Wookiee... well, not everyone was perfect.
Ranma was suddenly grabbing the front of his uniform,
putting them nose to nose. "Inside. Now."
"No problem. The Empire likes to see enthusiastic young
men like yourself." The guide removed Ranma's hands from
his uniform and smiled knowingly. "It IS quite an opportunity.
Follow me."
***
"Hey, you!"
Akane froze in place, her hand slipping to her blaster.
She turned slowly.
"Your group is on the deluxe tour. You should probably
catch up with them and get off this station on the double.
There aren't supposed to be any civilians here now."
Akane stared at the officer speaking to her. "Deluxe...
tour?"
"Yeah. It goes down to the reactor, all the way to the
bridge and past Project J." He waited for some sign of
acknowledgement from her, then nodded. "Ah. Boyfriend
dragged you along, huh? Don't worry. We'll get you back to
your group."
***
"Which one do we jump into?" Chawbaka whispered as
best he could.
"Dunno. Why don't you ask them?" Ranma responded,
pointing to the guards at the door.
"Very funny. This isn't a time to make jokes though. I
WANT that cure. I'm tired of being a Wookiee. I want to be
human again."
"Hey, you think I want to turn into a girl? Thing again,
fuzzball. At least you get some respect. People treat me like
some helpless little girl. And a princess to boot. I can't do
anything on my own then." Ranma hmphed. "Just because you
don't wear clothes and are hard ta understand doesn't mean
you've got it all bad."
Chawbaka growled, then hit Ranma.
"Ouch! Stupid Wookiee," Ranma growled, while rubbing
the back of his head.
That got the guards looking at the two of them
curiously, to which they smiled and waved a little.
The guards, not liking the sight of a smiling Wookiee
any more than the next guy, turned their attention forward
again. The two were probably a couple looking for that vat
that turned men into buxom young ladies. Perverts.
"So, which one?" Ranma repeated, looking at the
bubbling vats.
"Oh don't know. Just jump in one and see if it's it."
"Dream on! If anyone should be jumpin' in one, it's you.
You're the one that's stuck that way for good." Ranma scowled
at Chawbaka, gesturing to the vats.
"No way! They're looking for you, not me. You're the one
with the bigger problems. Besides," he said, staring dubiously
at the bubbling liquids, "being a Wookiee's not so bad."
The light going on over Ranma's head was almost
tangible. Ignoring the rest of Chawbaka's hesitant denials,
Ranma looked at the two guards. "Yo, what happens if
someone falls in and don't want to be?" he asked. Heck, he
wasn't a prince for nothin'.
"Yeah, you'd think they'd get the point and set up some
guard rails. They're just begging for a lawsuit."
The guard's partner chuckled. "Yeah, who's going to sue
the Empire? Better yet, who would be the prosecuting
attorney?" His chuckling turned into laughter.
The two were soon laughing at the folly of challenging
the Empire. Just look at them? Who would dare challenge
them, and they were only guards?
"Anyway, guys, why don't you just check the labels on
those tubs? That's one thing about the bubbleheads around
here, they're pretty good about putting their names on their
toys," the first guard continued after his laughter had died.
Ranma and Chawbaka peered at the dull gray vats, noting
a code name and number on each one. They slapped their
foreheads in unison. "Yeah, well thanks for yer help."
"No problem. Just don't get too close; that stuff is
potent... permanent even."
Ranma grinned at Chawbaka. "Yeah, we know."
"Why you..."
"Not now, 'C-Chan', we gotta find the cure."
Saving his anger for later, hopefully when Ranma was
asleep, Chawbaka nodded. The cure was more important than
the petty insults.
The two began walking casually around, looking at each
of the tanks curiously, just looking for the one that had the
big neon sign that read "CURE!"
The feelings of urgency running through them began to
escalate when they heard the faint sounds of alert sirens and
explosions. The rebels were attacking in an attempt to blow
the place up. To blow up the cure. To blow up Ranma's
manhood and Chawbaka's chance at being human.
They were still looking when a scientist, dressed in
Imperial black and drab, entered, looked at them strangely,
then entered a door on the far side of the room.
Before the door slid shut, Ranma caught sight of a small
sign that read "Reversal Formula #84649c". It didn't mean a
whole lot to him. The smaller text beneath it that read "AKA
Cure" did. He stared, wide-eyed, as the door closed silently.
That was it.
That was it. "Yahoo!" he yelled, then sprinted over to
the door. Hitting the panel repeatedly, trying to force the
door open, he was starting to get a little annoyed. He looked
back at Chawbaka, who was still wandering around. "Hey,
Furface, gimme a hand here."
He pointed secretively at the door, trying not to give
away their plans to the entire station. Not that it mattered
considering they had given him a tour of the top secret
Project J. Shrugging after seeing the blank looks the Wookiee
was giving he said, "The cure's in here."
A look of understanding dawned on Chawbaka's face and
he hurried over to help Ranma. The two worked on the control
pad to no avail. The door simply refused to open.
With his incredible strength and pathetic attention
span, Chawbaka growled at the panel and promptly put his fist
through it. There was a shower of sparks, the smell of burning
rubber, and some loud, mechanical squealing.
Ranma looked at the decimated panel. "Uh oh," he said
quietly, sparing a glance back at the guards. They were now
looking at them and started advancing.
"Way to go! You don't you just run around yelling, 'I'm a
rebel! Shoot me!'? It'll get us killed faster!" Ranma growled,
knowing full well they wouldn't be killed by some park
rangers with guns to soothe their egos.
Removing his hand from the hole in the wall he had
created, Chawbaka turned to face the two guards with Ranma.
"Whoops," he said, scratching the back of his head.
"Too late to worry about it now," Ranma answered,
dropping into an attack position.
Chawbaka followed suit just as the guards raised their
weapons.
The door that the two had been trying to get open,
opened. "What is going..." the scientist started to say as he
emerged.
That broke the tension as the guards started firing, and
Ranma and Chawbaka leapt into action.
And without fail, another element was added to the
chaos. The main door opened, and in walked Akane, escorted
by another guard. Blasters were drawn, blasters were fired,
fists were swinging, hapless guards were getting tossed
around... The scientists wasn't all that surprised to see it
happening.
"Akane! The cure!" Ranma yelled at her, avoiding a stray
blaster shot.
"Where?" Akane was getting tired of this. Too many
Imperials running around unchecked. She grabbed one guards
arm, twisted her body and flung him into the others, sending
them all flying back into the scientist. The pile tumbled back
into the second room. Bringing her blaster up like a
gunslinger, Akane shot the, hmm... already busted up control
panel.
Luckily, she smiled as she watched the doors closed, it
still worked.
Ranma and Chawbaka were not smiling. In fact, they
looked horrified. Even maybe a bit angry.
"What were you saying about the cure?" Akane asked,
reholstering her blaster.
"It was behind that door," Ranma said unemotionally.
"Oh. Oops, sorry about that. But, we have to go anyway.
This place is about to be..."
"You. Clumsy. Brainless. Tomboy. Wannabe. Pilot! I'm
STUCK this way now!" Ranma yelled, still staring at the
closed door.
"Don't blame me, pervert! It's not my fault you didn't
get your stupid cure! Or that you got cursed in the first place,
Princess!" Akane shot back, feeling a little hurt by the
insults, but more mad than anything.
Chawbaka made a plaintive noise, looking at the door
wistfully. If only... If only... "Rowr rowr roah groawww!"
And the stupid translation cube had been destroyed too. And
the ki blasts he had learned didn't work all too well when he
was a Wookiee.
"What's he sayin'?" Ranma asked, looking strangely at
Chawbaka.
Akane shrugged. "He does that sometimes. Now, I am
going back to the ship and leaving this station. You WILL
come with me so I can drop you off back with the Rebellion
and never have to see you again." Akane put her hands on her
hips and was glowering at Ranma.
Ranma shook his head. "No, there's gotta be another way
to get that door open. You're just gonna have to wait." Ranma
went over to a somewhat damaged console and began doing his
damnedest to get the door open.
It's gotta be one of these," he said, sweat on his
forehead, pushing things at random. One red button that he
hit, that maybe he shouldn't have, did something... unpleasant.
A red light suddenly bathed the room. A androgynous
voice spoke to them, saying, "Flushing tanks in 10 seconds."
"Flushing tanks? What's that mean?" Akane asked,
looking around.
Chawbaka looked up at where Akane was standing, right
next to a tank that was apparently filled with Rodian water.
He couldn't allow Akane to turn into a green, bug-eyed, long-
snouted alien! He liked her too much as a soft-skinned, short-
haired, pouty lips, round eyes, long legs, delicate hands...
"YO, BAKA BRAIN!" Ranma yelled at him, shaking him.
"LET'S GO!"
Chawbaka shook his head, a slight trickle of blood
coming from his nose. He nodded, noting that Ranma had given
up on the door (something he would get him for later), and
made his way to the exit with the others.
The three left, moving quickly, but not running. Ranma
was cursing under his breath the entire time, not believing
how worthless his luck was.
Akane looked at him quickly, then over at Chawbaka.
"Oh, C-Chan, you're hurt," she said when she saw the blood at
his nose. "Let me take care of that," she said, whipping out a
hankie. She dabbed at the blood and wiped it all away.
"How is that?" she asked, smiling gently at him.
Ranma made a gagging motion, then yanked the hankie
from Akane. "Look, it's bad enough that I lost my cure. I don't
need to sit here and watch you two get all... puppy-love here."
He shuddered involuntarily.
"Why don't you just keep quiet, Princess? This is none
of your business, anyway."
"And glad of it," Ranma answered smartly. He took the
bloodied hankie and as they passed what looked like a trash
chute built into the wall, he stuffed it in it.
The walk back to the ship was made in uneasy silence, a
combination of them being really irked at each other, madly in
love with each other, and ready to shoot the crap out of any
Imperials that got too close.
***
A station like the Death Star is an immense project to
undertake. Even for the Empire, it takes lots of time, lots of
material, and lots of funds.
In one way or another, there were bound to be... loose
ends. Cost-cutting maneuvers, only three bolts there, instead
of four, a door that doesn't open completely, improper venting
for the superlaser...
Heck, they're things anybody would have done to shave a
few credits off the top. After all, who would be dumb enough
to throw trash down one of the vents that released that
superheated air as the laser was about to fire? Who would be
that dumb?
Just because they had saved a few MORE credits by not
painting them red, or using any warnings around the vents...
no one would be dumb enough.
Surely, no one could be. Because any tiny bit of trash
that could catch on fire, or melt, or mess up the overall
ejection of that hot gas.... Well, surely that would mean one
big-ass explosion.
It said so in the safety guide.
***
"I'm going in, cover me!"
The few remaining X-Wings began their run down the
trench, taking fire from every concievable direction but up.
This was partly because up was being covered by Gold 23.
Whenever a TIE strayed too close to the trench, it's collision
warning would blare madly as the Y-Wing from Hell bore down
on it with apparently suicidal intentions. The TIE would panic
and try to avoid the fiery crash, and usually would manage to
smear itself all over the side of the Death Star. Several other
members of Gold Flight quickly caught on and followed in
Kasumi's wake, blowing apart the dazed Imperials that
managed to survive the initial charge.
Lord Ono noticed this immediately.
"Flank me," he commanded his wingmen. Carefully,
relentlessly, he manevered his Advanced TIE Fighter behind the
insane Y-Wing and kicked in the afterburners to keep up.
There was a definite presense to this one, he felt. He
hadn't had this sort of feeling since the Jedi Praxeum...
"The Force is strong with this one," he warned his
wingmen. They ignored him.
Lord Ono painstakingly lined up the Rebel fighter in his
sights. A beeping from the computer signaled a lock, and he
peered at the rear cockpit to try and catch a glimpse of the
pilot before he shot.
***
Kasumi wrenched the stick, angling to make a run at
another TIE.
"Kasumi! Behind you!"
"Nodoka?" she asked, quickly glancing behind her.
***
Ono's wingmen smirked as they saw him slide into firing
position. In front of them, the figure in the Y-Wing's cockpit
turned around.
"*Zun cha cha! Zun cha cha!*"
The smirks changed to frowns. The one on the left
thumbed the intercom. "*Lord?*"
"*Zun cha cha!*"
"*What the hell is he saying?"
"*I dunno. Sounds like bad singing.*"
"*Zun cha cha!*"
"*Maybe it's some sort of Sith chant or something?*"
"*Maybe...*"
Lord Ono's fighter dipped and weaved alarmingly,
swerved, shot one of his wingmates, and danced drunkenly off
into deep space.
***
Kasumi gave a bemused smile, and turned her attention
back to the battle. What a nice, funny TIE Fighter! Especially
for not blowing her to pieces.
***
"You shot the 'Imperial Toys for Tots' guys?" Ranma
said, staring at the bodies and overturned boxes of toys.
"Those were for orphans! Even the Rebellion has a little more
class than that!"
"Well excuse me! They were threatening me, and I had
to find you," Akane said, walking quickly back to her ship.
"Threatened you? With what? A stuffed nerf? Geez, I
can't believe it..."
Akane hit turned around and hit Ranma with the butt of
her blaster. "Fine! You can stay here then." She turned on her
heel, and marched into the Hedgehog. "Come on, C-Chan," she
ordered from inside.
Patting Ranma on the head, Chawbaka, hurried after
Akane, snickering.
Feeling his head for permanent marks, Ranma stood up
and limped slowly back to the ship. He was at the base of the
ramp when he heard Akane yelling.
"You stupid droid! Don't touch me again!"
Then C-KN0 came flying at him, pronouncing his most
joyous reunion with the rebel space huntress, apparently
alerting every trooper within one deck. The droid crashed
into Ranma, and the two tumbled to the floor.
"Get offa me, ya worthless droid!" Ranma yelled pushing
the droid off himself, then standing.
"Stop! Don't move!" some foolish officer yelled at him.
Like it ever actually worked.
Ranma ducked and rolled, not waiting for anything more,
and picked C-KN0 up. He turned, holding the droid in front of
him as a shield, and began backing up the ramp as the troopers
with the officer opened fired.
"Get this junk pile out of here!" Ranma yelled into the
ship, hoping Akane could hear him. "We got company! And lots
of it!"
The ramp began to close, and with C-KN0 taking all the
blaster fire, Ranma was safe in the Hedgehog in one piece.
Now to give it to that tomboy if she didn't get out of there by
the time he could get to the cockpit.
***
"You're all clear, kid! Now let's blow this thing and go
home!"
Kasumi smiled pleasantly as she watched Luke's
torpedoes go in. How nice! Luke must be very proud.
The remaining craft began to break off from their attack
runs, and burned engine away from the Death Star. Kasumi
supposed she should probably follow suit.
She was mildly puzzled to see the _Impudent Hedgehog_
zoom out of a docking bay and almost overtake the fighters as
they headed back towards Yavin. Had Akane come along for the
battle? She certainly seemed to be in an awful hurry...
***
"Commence primary ignition."
The torpedoes zoomed down the exhaust port, slammed
into the hastily erected proton dissipation field, and fizzled
harmlessly.
The massive plasma turbines spun to life, sending energy
pouring down conduits.
The gas produced by this was routed out a series of
vents... including one containing a merrily burning bloody
handkerchief, which ignited the highly flammable gas.
The resulting explosion was a minor one, but severely
disaligned one of the superlaser shafts. Instead of pointing out
the firing port, it now slumped downwards into the Death Star.
It fired, and cut a plasma reactor in half. This time, the
explosion wasn't so minor.
Can you say, "chain reaction"? We knew you could.
***
*BOOM*
"Yeehaw!"
"Oh my. How pretty!"
***
A regal, solemn processional march played as the heroes
proudly marched down the aisle to receive the honor that was
due to them.
In the docking bay adjacent to the ceremony hall, Captain
Soro, Chawbaka, and Ranma sat and glared at each other.
"Stupid tomboy smuggler. Now I'm never gonna be cured!"
"Well, maybe if you had actually asked me to help you
instead of STEALING my ship, SHOOTING me, and leaving me
NAKED for a bunch of Imperial goons to drool over..."
"Raaarugh."
"No, C-Chan, you can't kill him."
"Thank you."
"I'M gonna kill him."
"Hey! I'm the one who still grows a uterus when the
shower's too cold! Cut me some slack!"
"Baka."
"Roorugh?"
"Not you."
They stared gloomily at the Hedgehog. It was going to
been down for repairs for a while; the Death Star's superlaser
had given Akane some ideas that she wanted to test out.
Ranma finally squirmed. "Look, sorry about shooting you
like that. I just kinda panicked, and, well... sorry."
Akane shrugged. "It's okay, I guess. Sorry I destroyed your
cure."
There was an awkward silence.
"Hey, where's Kasumi?" Ranma finally asked.
"She's in that big hall where they're having the
ceremony," Akane replied a little wistfully. "This handsome
young pilot blew up the Death Star, and they're giving him a
medal."
"Really? Handsome young pilot? Blew up Death Star?
What's his name?"
Akane managed to completely miss the dangerous tone in
Ranma's voice. "Luke Skywalker, I think."
Chawbaka and Ranma exchanged glances, smiled grimly,
cracked their knuckles, and nodded. The Empire was going to be
the least of Skywalker's problems.
"I think Kasumi's joining the Rebellion," Akane continued.
"Apparently she's a pretty good pilot, and they lost a lot of
those during the battle."
Ranma shook his head in disbelief. "Somehow Kasumi
doesn't strike me as a starfighter ace."
"Check her kill record. It's very impressive. Especially
considering that fact that she didn't use her guns." Akane
swallowed. "Look... I've been thinking about it, and I'm going to
join the Rebellion for a while. I don't have enough money to pay
off the Hutt, and this will give me a bit of security while I
earn enough credits to get the price off my head. They pay okay,
and it should be exciting." She looked away. "So, I guess this is
goodbye? You're going back to Nerima?"
Ranma flushed a little. "Well, ah, I... is that Skywalker
guy staying here too?"
Akane nodded. "Yup. Boy, is he cute."
Chawbaka and Ranma exchanged ominous glances, and
nodded. The Empire was definitely going to have to take a
number and wait in line behind them.
"Oh, I'm staying here for a bit," Ranma said. "They could
use a good pilot besides you and Kasumi."
Akane tried not to look happy.
"Besides, someone's got to protect the rest of the
Alliance from you."
"RAAAAAANMAAAAA....."
***
Captain Kuonji read the dispatch and almost cried.
The Death Star. Blown up. The Rebel scum had blown up
the pride of the Imperial Navy.
She snarled, and the rest of the bridge shuddered. Captain
Kuonji had turned out to be a mixed blessing. On the one hand,
'he' was fairly easygoing, usually pleasant and considerate to
her crew, and was undeniably the most competent person in
recent memory to command the _Spatulator_. Under her
guidance, Rebel activity in the Galos system had been almost
completely wiped out. Morale was high; for once, it was the
Rebels who tended to get outsmarted.
On the other hand, it was becoming apparent that the
Captain was at least mildly insane. The mood swings, for
instance. Cheerful one moment, homicidal the next, then
suddenly sweetness and light again. And then there was the
topic of marriage or relationships. No-one in their right mind
talked about that in front of Captain Kuonji. She hadn't actually
killed anyone yet, but there had been some close calls. And 'he'
was clearly on a revenge kick of some sort, which was never
good news.
Ukyou stared at the viewscreen for a second, and then
wheeled on the navigator.
"Find me something to destroy. Now."
"T-There's a f-freighter we suspect of carrying contra..."
"Set course."
She sunk into her command chair and closed her eyes.
What a lousy day...
"Captain? Incoming message from a TIE Fighter, bearing
oh-two-three."
Ukyou straightened in her chair and composed herself
with difficulty. "Patch it through."
To her horror, the image of a black-armored figure
flickered to life. "Captain Kuonji."
Whew. Only Tofu, not Vader. "Lord Ono."
"I will be landing on the _Spatulator_ shortly. It will
serve as my flagship during the next few months."
A moan of dismay went up.
"Ah, um, Lord, why, ah, why me?"
"Because you seem competent and properly respectful."
Ukyou mentally screamed.
"I shall use it as my flagship as I search for Kasumi
Tendo..."
The bridge watched in mild horror as the Dark Lord of the
Sith danced around his cockpit. Finally, looking slightly
embarrassed, he returned his attention to the transmission.
"Ahem, yes, Kasumi Tendo. She is reported to be in the
company of a smuggler and one Ranma Saotome..."
"WHAT?" shrieked Ukyou, jumping out of her chair.
"WHERE? WHERE? KILL!"
She froze, noticed the stares of interest everyone was
giving her, laughed weakly, and sat back down. "I mean, the ship
is at your disposal, Lord Ono."
Looking slightly taken aback, Ono nodded. "I shall land
within the hour. I expect us to be ready to begin our hunt
immediately."
"Oh," Ukyou purred, "we will be. You can count on that."
"Excellent. Ono out."
Ukyou grinned.
Ranma Saotome was finally going to get what was coming
to him. Leave her, would he? Make a mockery of her life, would
he? She'd show him. She'd show ALL of them. Revenge would
finally be hers.
The bridge crew winced. The maniacal laugher from their
Captain definitely did not bode well.
The _Spatulator_ cruised on through the void.
***
"Excuse me, Lt. Tendo?"
"Oh my. Yes?"
"Your astromech is chasing Princess Leia around the
temple again."
"Oh dear. I'll go get him to stop. He just gets overexcited
sometimes."
THE END
-------------
Hooray! Finally!