OK. So here I go with a new 'fic.

This one started this morning and just now got finished.
It is a good bit darker than anything else I have ever written,
and this was not at all how it was supposed to be. I thought it
was going to be WAFFish when I started. (Don't ask me how.)

Please note that while this is not marked lemon, there are some
rather vulgar four letter words, and some adult concepts and situations
contained within.

C&C, etc, greatly appreciated. I realize that everyone except Ranma and
maybe one or two others is vastly OOC, but I am very interested to
know if this story works for anyone besides myself. Don't hold back, I'm
strong, I can take it.

As always, Rumiko Takahashi created all characters and I'm pretty
sure I have no right to be doing this.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


Death
*****
It's funny, how not having something good can hurt more than
having something bad. If you'd told me that two weeks ago, I
would have laughed. I mean, it sounds stupid, right? That's what I
thought anyway.

It's even funnier that I didn't even know I had something good
until it was gone. I'd had it good, better than I ever will again in
my life, and now, no matter what happens, no matter how well I
do, that something will be gone, and its absence will cause me
pain for as long as I live.

When Ranma was hurt, I realized I loved him. His insults, his
arrogance, his fiancees, none of it mattered. I loved him. I loved
him more than anyone I've ever loved. May the gods help me, I
think I loved Ranma more than I loved my own mother.

And now that he's gone, I know I did. When my mother died, I
got over it. Sounds horrible doesn't it? To say 'I got over it' about
my own mother's death? Makes it sound like I failed a test or
something. But I did. And I will never get over Ranma's death.

Except, maybe, I already have.

That's the scary thing. When Ranma lay dying in my arms, his life
blood spilling out of that gaping hole in his chest, I felt my heart
breaking. You read about it all the time in cheesy romance novels,
you know the ones, usually have a busty woman on the cover?

That's what I thought when I felt my heart break. It was actually a
physical pain. Not some imagined pain in my mind, not some
mystical mumbo jumbo, but actual physical pain. When I think
about it now, I think I felt Ranma die. I think that I could tell you
the exact moment when his soul left his body. It hurt so much that
I thought I was going to drop dead right there. And maybe I did.

When I woke up, the real fun started. I was in my bed. Kasumi
was sitting with me, wiping my forehead with a damp towel. She
had her sad smile number two on - the one that said that she was
really sorry that the love of your life just died and that you were
feeling bad, but dinner needed to be cooked and I need a few
ingredients from the store and why don't you go get the items on
this list for me.

I know - I was shocked too. It was a thought that I never would
have believed myself capable of. I'd never thought anything like
that about Kasumi before. I just told myself that it was my
tragedy? Sorrow? Sadness? Macho tomboy nature? leaking out. I
was the bereaved, damnit, I had a right to think a few unkind
thoughts!

Anyway, Kasumi smiled, and hugged me. I'm so sorry she said. I
think she was expecting me to break down and cry. The fact that I
didn't should have told me something was wrong. Instead I just
nodded, said thank you, and asked if I could take a bath. Kasumi
seemed a little shocked about my attitude. She suggested I might
want to stay in bed, she'd bring a little bit of soup up for me. Why
should I stay in bed, I asked, and stood up. No point in wallowing
around moping.

As I was walking down the hallway, I could hear weeping coming
from Ranma's room. The door was open just a little bit, and
through the crack I could see Ranma's mother on his bed, sobbing.
For a woman ready to have her son commit suicide over his
manliness or lack thereof, she sure was a wimp.

I didn't enjoy the bath as much as I thought I would. It was nice
and all, and it did get me freshened up, but it sure didn't improve
my attitude any. By now even I was starting to notice that maybe
my views were a little -- off.

Dinner confirmed this observation. Dad was at his usual place,
sobbing into his newspaper, the bastard. He'd pulled this crap
every day since Mom died. I got over my mother's death just fine,
why the hell couldn't he? I could sympathize with him, I'd just lost
the love of my life, after all, but did you see me crying into my
food? And what was Ranma to him anyway? Just a complete
stranger he picked to give his daughter to. He might as well have
picked a bum up off the street, and the odds were the bum would
have been kinder to me than Ranma had been.

Nabiki sat at her usual place. Every now and then she'd look at the
seat next to me. Sometimes she looked a little crestfallen,
sometimes she sighed a little sorrowfully. Some people might
think she was showing her grief as well as she could. Me, I figure
she was just starting to miss the yen she used to make off Ranma.
She even sold pictures of me, her own sister, the damn money
grubbing bitch.

Ranma's father sat in silence. The sonuvabitch. If I hadn't known
before, I knew now that he really didn't care about his family. If
he did, he'd be up comforting his wife instead of down here
feeding his face.

About then Kasumi walks in, carrying the last plate. She sets it at
Ranma's place. Everyone at the table, even Nabiki, gasps and
looks at me. Kasumi immediately starts to take the plate,
apologizing for her mistake. I just shake my head and pick up the
plate. Don't worry, I tell them. I take a pair of chopsticks and slide
the food off the plate and onto Ranma's father's. I smile at him.

You know you wanted it anyway, I say.

As I start to eat I hear Father crying into his paper again. Bastard.

After dinner I go upstairs to my room. I guess the events of the
day have left me a little tired. As I pass Ranma's room I notice
that his mother has cried herself to sleep. Good. At least she won't
keep me up with her wimpy sobbing.

When I get to my door I find P-chan waiting to be let in. I pick the
little porker up by the bandanna he always has around his neck. I
tried to take it off once, but there was just another one beneath it,
and another one beneath that. Weird, huh? Anyway, I take him
outside and drop him on the ground. I only let him sleep with me
because he made Ranma mad anyway.

So anyway, I go up to my room and put on my pajamas and climb
into bed. I suffer the visits by Father and Kasumi. Nabiki doesn't
bother to come. That's fine with me. After Kasumi leaves I lock
my door.

And that's when it hits me. The pain. At first I was relieved. Like
I said before, even I had seen that my emotions weren't normal.
Finally, I thought! Now I can cry and grieve and get over it. Just
like with Mom. But the tears still won't come. I lie in my bed, on
top of the covers, and the tears won't come. When I close my eyes
I can see Ranma's dead body, cradled in my arms, and then I feel
the moment coming when my heart will stop, and I know that I'm
going to die, and the moment comes and I can feel the tension in
my chest now as I relive that moment, and its here and... nothing.

I feel nothing.

And the nothing hurts more than anything I have ever felt because
I should feel something. I want to feel something, but I don't, oh
god, why don't I feel anything?

And then it hits me. I don't love Ranma anymore. Or my Father,
or Kasumi or Nabiki or the Saotomes or my friends or... or even
myself. Its just gone. And I know I should, I know I did, I know I
want to... but... I don't.

And that's why not having something good hurts more than
having something bad.


Ambivalence
***********
Its been about three months now since Ranma died, and I guess
I'm handling my new feelings, or lack of feelings, better. That first
night, I thought that surely I was imagining things, that after a
while I'd remember how to love my family.

Well, its been a quarter year, and they still suck.

I say that in the kindest possible way. They are doing their best to
try and support me - to help me through this difficult time. They
do seem to be worried about me.

I don't really care.

The Saotomes have left. Mr. Saotome said that it was just 'too
difficult' for his wife to stay with the memories of Ranma in the
house. I think they left because she couldn't face me anymore.  I
thought someone with her sense of honor would have killed
herself by now. She evidently finds it easier to hold others to her
standards than herself. She took it pretty hard when I told her
Ranma would probably still be alive today if she wasn't such a
poor excuse for a mother. How does it feel, I asked, to know that
your son died afraid of you?

If you ask me, it was a comment worthy of Nabiki. Nabiki, the
hypocrite, was pissed when I told her so. Last week I heard she
was shutting down her book making operations and forgiving all
interest on outstanding loans. The rumor is she just wants her own
money back and then she's out of the business for good. I wouldn't
know, she quit talking to me. That's probably a good thing. She
always charged too much to talk anyway.

School's been easy to deal with. Easier than I thought it would be.
Most people were smart enough to just leave me alone. My former
friends especially. I was glad I didn't have to hurt any of them like
I hurt Kuno. Despite being an idiot, and blind to reality, I really
thought he'd take the pain like a man. I was rather surpassed to
see him crying when the ambulance took him away.

Luckily several students saw him running at me with his bokken
in hand before the fight, so the police aren't going to charge me
with assault. Lucky me. I don't know what the big deal is, anyway.
They tell me that he should be walking again within a year.

Come to think of it, I think that was probably when Nabiki
stopped talking to me. I guess that also explains why she looks so
terrified whenever she sees me.

Without Ranma around to provide excitement, things have gotten
pretty boring around the dojo. To start with, none of the bimbo
fiancees have dropped by to poison, drug or kidnap anyone.

Kodachi hasn't been heard from. That's a good thing.

 Shampoo and Mousse are returning to China with Cologne. I
understand Shampoo let Mousse beat her the very day she found
out about Ranma's death. She finally showed her true colors. The
Chinese bimbo better hope she never runs into me.

Ukyou is going to keep her restaurant going. I guess she doesn't
have anything else to live for. I dropped by one afternoon, curious
to see how she was doing. I always thought that under different
circumstances we might could have been friends.

When I walked in the door, our eyes met, and we knew.

I left without talking to her, and I suspect that I'll never see her
again. I know I'll do my best not to. The look I saw in her eyes is
the same one people see when they look at me. The truth is hard
enough to deal with without looking it in the face, much less
talking to it.

That encounter made me think about the direction my life was
going to take now. I might have had ambitions before I met
Ranma. To tell the truth, I really don't remember. Once Ranma
arrived, well, he was bigger than life. My life, everyone's life,
revolved around Ranma one way or another. Without Ranma, life
was just a pale imitation of its former self.

To fill my time I began to train again. Not the usual self righteous
shattering of blocks I used to call training, but serious, dedicated,
training. I asked Father to train me, but after Mr. Saotome moved
out he dropped all pretense of living. All he does is go from the
bed to the table and back to bed. I figure he'll die within a year if
he keeps acting like that. Oh well, its not my job to baby-sit him.

I trained myself for a while, but of course I didn't get very far. You
just can't do that and expect to improve at my level of experience.
That was one of the few benefits of my current 'condition' - I was
finally being honest with myself about myself. I think that part of
me was sorry I couldn't have done this earlier, when I could have
shared my new found honesty with Ranma, but since I don't feel
anything for him anymore, its hard to say for sure.

It sure isn't enough to keep me up at nights wondering.

Ryoga showed up a little while after I started to train. He was in
an odd mood. Cheery one minute and depressed the next. In
hindsight, I guess he was in his normal mood. He trained me for
about a week before he got lost.

Ryoga showed up again about two days later - his fastest recorded
trip to the store yet. When he got back he had a ring and asked me
to marry him.

I laughed in his face. Then I told him I liked him better as P-chan,
at least a pig can't ask stupid questions.

I don't know when I realized that Ryoga was P-chan, except it was
sometime after Ranma's death. It just didn�t seem important. I'd
even let him sleep in my bed after I knew the truth. I just didn't
have any feelings about the issue one way or the other.

Anyway, Ryoga seemed to be pretty upset that I knew. He kept
raving about Ranma for some reason. Even though I didn't give a
damn about him (and remember, I don't give a damn about
anyone anymore, so I don't mean that in a bad way), I did
remember that he used to be a friend, and I did prefer to try and
avoid hurting my former friends, so I felt like I should say
something to him. Besides, he looked like he was ready to Shi Shi
Hokudan himself and half of Nerima into oblivion.

So I asked him if he wanted to fuck me.

That brought him up short. He even forgot to have a nose bleed. I
took silence for a yes so I stripped my bottoms off, turned around
and bent over. That flexibility training really come in handy, huh?
I heard him leave about five minutes later. Haven�t seen him
since. I did hear that he drops by Ukyou�s every now and then, I
also heard he's going to school in his old district. Maybe one of
the old gang will have a normal life, after all.

I guess that just about brings me up to the present. Oh, except for
what I plan to do with my life. I guess old ambitions are best after
all, or at least the most convenient. So I'm going to continue on as
heir to the Tendo School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts. Of
course, I won't be inheriting the dojo anymore. The last I heard
Father was still raving about what he was going to do to me for
leaving with Master Happosai.

I was told that when Kasumi found out what I'd done she had let
loose with a string of expletives that shocked Dr. Tofu out of his
'Kasumi Trance'. The result is she's expecting her first child, even
though she already broke up with Dr. Tofu. Its all her own fault
really. She should have learned more about life than how to cook
and clean. When asked what she'd name the child, she said
"Anything except Ranma, Ranko or Akane". At least I'm in good
company. And Dad will have another kid around, so he gets to
ruin another life and that'll make him happy.

Nabiki left home for good. She packed up and left for college.
Didn't even leave a forwarding address or phone number.

So right now I'm sitting across the fire from the Master. He's
reading some cheap porn mag I dug out of a garbage bin for him,
and I'm cataloging the new additions to his collection. He lets me
keep one or two every now and then as a reward.

I'm a little surprised that he hasn't tried to grope me, or do
something worse yet. I really don't care - I was willing to sleep
with a pig just so it wouldn't walk away sad, after all. But he
hasn't yet, and sometimes, when he's sober and we're not running
for our lives from the locals, I look in his eyes and I can see my
own eyes staring back at me.

I hope I die soon. I don't want to think about living with the
ambivalence for as long as he has.


Acceptance
*********
Its been five years since Ranma died now. I'm twenty-two, and the
undisputed Grand Master of the School of Anything-Goes Martial
Arts. And for the first time since I left, I'm back in Nerima.

I'm not here to see my family, although I will, and I'm not here to
rekindle old acquaintances, although I'm sure someone will try.
No, I'm here to bring Father and Saotome back into the fold.

I was all the way over in Bangkok when I found out they broke
with the School. If there was one thing Happy taught me, its that
you never let your inferiors think they can cross you and get away
with it.

Looking back now, its obvious why Happy agreed to train me. It
was my ambivalence. After Ranma died, I just didn't care. And
that's what he was looking for. A disciple who would do anything,
without a second thought, just because he said to and they didn�t
give a damn. And I did. For four years. And in those four years I
learned as much about martial arts as Ranma did in ten.

It wasn't because I was better than Ranma. He was certainly a
much faster learner, a better fighter all around. If he'd trained
with Happy he'd have learned all I did and then some. If he'd had
the proper attitude. But he never did. He always had too much
honor, too many scruples. As amazing as it sounds, even Saotome
had too many. My father, well, he was probably the weakest
student Happy ever had.

But the most important lessons weren't martial arts. They were
about life. How to manipulate people. How to crush a person into
submission. How to take away everything a person holds dear and
not give a damn about it. Nabiki would have been even better than
me, if she hadn't caught a sudden case of morals right before she
left.

Once I asked Happy why he'd agreed to train me. And he told me
what I already said. That he could see I just didn't give a damn.

But when, I asked, did you know?

He looked me in they eyes and said, when you offered to screw
that pig, just because it was easier than not.

I nodded. Of course. Looking back now, it still amazes me that I
trained with Happy for four years and am still a virgin. But then
again, like he taught me, the act was never as important as they
will to carry it out. The person with the greater will always wins,
whether they have to act or not. Skill only matters when both
fighters have equal will to fight.

I learned that lesson, and learned it well. There were two men in
Nerima who would find out how well tonight.

Walking down the street, the first thing that happens is Mousse's
attack.

I was expecting it.

After all, you can't just kill fourteen amazons and expect them to
stop coming after you. Then again, most of them had given up - a
mounting body count has that affect, but Mousse took Shampoo's
death pretty hard. I once mentioned that the Chinese bimbo had
better not cross my path. It was too bad she did.

It was too bad Mousse still hadn't learned to put on his glasses. I
guess that's the last time he'll ever make that mistake, seeing as
how he's still trying to find his eyeballs after I dropped them on
the ground. I wish he hadn�t attacked me.

Actually, I hadn't even meant to kill Shampoo. I was willing to
walk away. But she wasn't, and she paid the price. That had been
my first fight, as opposed to a sparring match, since I started
training with Happy. Even so, I was more than a match for her.
Happy liked to hock my virtue to the bookies for credit when I
sparred. He didn�t exactly take me to the established dojos. It was
a good incentive to win, and like I said, I�m still a virgin.

When Shampoo was dead, he shrugged, and said you're blooded
now, there's no turning back.

We were training at Jusenkyo at the time. I spent a year running
between Jusenkyo, the Amazon Village and the Musk Dynasty. I
never did meet Herb during that trip, which is just as well. Even
Happy had a lot of respect for him. I also managed to avoid
picking up a curse. There were a couple of close calls, but
somehow I avoided the pools.

I spent several days meditating at the Nynnichuan. Even without
love, it was comforting to be near Ranma again, even if it was just
the pool that changed our lives forever. It was something.

The last time I saw Happy, I was standing at the side of that pool.
I had just learned that Happy had plotted Ranma's death. I didn't
know why, and to tell the truth, didn't care. The old man was
getting a little afraid of me, of how quickly I was learning. I was a
danger to him, and that made him a danger to me.

So I did the only sensible thing.

I dunked him in the spring, and carried the wet, young and very
female Happy off to the Musk Dynasty. Happy was still too ugly
for Herb, but Link and Mink liked him just fine. Too bad he died
in childbirth.

So, that left me the Grand Master of the School. I would have
been content to just wander the globe, maybe take a student or
two, but let the School die, if I hadn't heard about the Nerima
branch running again. If the School was going to live, it wasn't
going to be run by a couple of half-wits.

So here I am.

I passed a couple on the street. I recognized them immediately.
Ryoga and Ukyou. I didn't say anything. It would be better for
them not to be around me, and easier for me to ignore them than
not.

Ryoga grabbed my arm. I looked at Ukyou, none of us said
anything. After a minute she pulled Ryoga away. He looked like
he was going to cry. No wonder he could never beat Ranma. At
least Ukyou seemed to be better. Maybe she found something more
than the restaurant.  I hope so.

Tofu's clinic was gone. The quickmart there had good slurpees
though.

The Kuno Mansion seemed to have grown barbwire and a
multitude of security guards. They way it was setup though, it
looked liked it was more to keep people in than out.

The school was the same.

And finally, the dojo. It was worse than I expected. Neon sign,
trashy pictures of Saotome and Father in action poses. Panda
action figures with rotating battle-action arms. And across it all,
emblazoned in tacky advertising, was "Tendo/Saotome School of
Anything-Goes Martial Arts".

When I knocked on the door to the house, Kasumi answered. A
cigarette hung out one corner of her mouth, and she had a beer in
one hand. She was still wearing her nightgown, it looked like she
might not have worn anything else for the past week.

When she saw me she closed the door in my face. She never even
changed expression.

I guess she's still pissed about me leaving.

I walk around to the dojo. It seems mostly the same, but the
mirrored ceiling is incredibly tacky. Some 'person' wearing a
black belt and teaching the class asks if he can help me. I guess he
doesn't know any better, but if I go easy on him I'll have to go
harder on the rest.

Where's Saotome and Tendo I ask. He seems to take offense at my
tone of voice, so I'm forced to get a little physical with him. After
that, I take on the rest of the instructors until I'm the only one
standing.

Anything-Goes, my ass. More like a game of duck-duck-goose if
you ask me.

Afterwards I sit in the middle of the floor and wait for the two
owners to return from the bar. Apparently that's where they spend
every afternoon.

Soon enough they arrive. Saotome, at least, recognizes Happy's
mark in my expression, and immediately starts groveling. Father
appears to have grown a spine. That's OK too, it just means I get
to have a little bit of instructional fun. I'm sure the students all
appreciated the exposure to several knew and painful submission
holds which I demonstrated on my very willing assistant.

After kicking the students and instructors out, I rip into the two
groveling men. I don't give a shit if they run a crappy commercial
dojo, but they damn better not put the name Anything-Goes
Martial Arts anywhere near it. I gave up a lot for the Art (or at
least I like to say I did, I really didn't care enough about anything
for it to matter if I gave it up), and I won't have it sullied by them.

After personally supervising the two of them while they pulled
down the signs and burned all the pamphlets they could find, they
invited me for supper. At least they remembered their duty
towards their Master.

Kasumi wasn't too pleased to have me there for supper. To tell the
truth, I wasn't to pleased to be eating it. She was really losing her
touch. There were four kids running around. From the
conversation I gathered they were all hers, although she still
wasn't married. When I asked about the fathers she gave me a
dirty look, then yelled at the kids to shut up and line up. She
called out the father's names, and each kid stood up.

Tofu, Genma, Kuno, Genma.

Well, it was her life. I looked at Saotome, but he just shrugged.
Kasumi just pulled out her bottle of Sake and started to drink.
Father read the paper. At least the bastard didn't cry anymore.

Later I found out that Saotome's first child with Kasumi caused
his wife to commit suicide. He sold their house and used the
money to finance the dojo. The second kid was because he and
Kasumi were bored one month. According to Kasumi, Kuno's kid
was a pity fuck when he came looking for me one day. With the
money he sends every month, its easily the most profitable
investment she'll ever make. Kasumi did say he was better than
the others in bed, though.

I found my room had been left alone. There was an inch of dust
over everything, and the door had been padlocked. I decided I'd
sleep downstairs. I really wish I hadn't - I was under Kasumi's
room and she and Saotome were at it all night.

I left before the sun came up. Even if I didn't care, it still hurt. As
stupid as it sounds it's true. Like I said before, it doesn't hurt
because I care, but because I should, and don't.

On the way out of town I stop to see Ranma. It looks like someone
still takes care of his grave, I guess that's a good thing.

I still can't grieve for him, but I promise myself that the day I can
is the day I join him.


Grief
****
Its been seven years since I... disciplined Father and Saotome. I
never did have any more trouble from them. They died about a
year later. Some fight in a cheap bar.

The last time I visited Ranma the two of them were interred on
either side of him. That pissed me off. How in the hell am I
supposed to be buried next to Ranma now?

I guess I�ll just flip a coin to see which one gets his sorry corpse
booted.

But that�s not why I�m back in Tokyo today. Today is my sons
fifth birthday, and the first time I�ve seen him in five years. I
guess I need to see how he�s doing, even if I can�t find it in my
heart to love him.

Some people think I can�t love him because his father is some
unknown foreigner who disappeared with all my cash the morning
after. That�s not it, at least the man got me off.

No, I don�t love my son because I just don�t give a damn. And I
haven�t for twelve long years. Not since the day Ranma died.

That�s not entirely true. I do give a damn about a few things. The
School, The Art. But not people. The day Ranma died I found out
that I just didn�t love anymore. Like he took it all with him when
he left. But I can�t blame him for that. I can only blame myself for
not telling him he owned my heart before he got in that stupid
fight.

Years later I found out that Happy had actually set the fight up for
some plot of his, and I killed him. But not because he�d killed
Ranma. Just because he became a danger to me. That bothers me
sometimes. I should have killed him for Ranma.

Sometimes I lie to myself that I did, but I know its not true. That
part of myself that died stays gone no matter what I do. Not even
my own child can fill that loss.

To my surprise, when I placed the child up for adoption I found
out that Nabiki was taking him. I wouldn�t have thought she could
have found out about my pregnancy in a foreign country, but I
guess Nabiki is Nabiki, even if she isn�t.

She really changed when Ranma died and I left. I think when she
saw that I was becoming what she had become after Mom�s death,
she got scared. Did a complete 180 and headed off as far as she
could in the other direction.

After the adoption I found out that she volunteers with an
international humanitarian group. She and her husband have two
kids of their own, plus mine. They live a comfortable middle class
life just outside Tokyo. She�s as far away from Nerima as one can
be and still be able to commute to central Tokyo for work.

I understand that Nabiki quietly makes sure Kasumi and her
children have enough to get by, and keep the dojo, even if it is a
little difficult. I hope Kasumi doesn�t screw her kids up too bad.

Looking back, none of us got over Mom�s death. I guess when
Ranma died and I changed, it caused the entire family to melt
down. There were just too many submerged emotions to deal with.

Anyway, here I am, walking up the street towards the small house
Nabiki lives in. Its not nearly as big as the dojo was, but I can see
that its well maintained and cozy and cheerful.

In the yard I can see two boys, maybe nine or ten, playing with a
dog. The door opens and I see another boy run out. My son.

He seems to be a happy child. He runs and plays with the other
two. He screams and hollers and chases the dog until a woman
comes to the door to scold him for the noise.

Nabiki is older and heavier than I remember her. She was always
so adamant about her figure. Now she�s put on weight, but looks
comfortable. She wears a loose sweater over a long flowing skirt,
and has an apron tied around her. Her hair has grown out a little,
but she still keeps the same cut. As she scolds the smallest boy the
other two catch the dog and all four go back into the house.

Now that the time has come, I find myself nervous, for the first
time in so long that I don�t even recognize the emotion when I
first feel it. As I walk up to the house I can feel my stomach
constricting tighter and tighter into a small, hard knot until I can
hardly stand up straight. I see Nabiki open a window in their
living room, and briefly look out.

I don�t think she sees me.

I sneak up to the window and glance in. Inside I see her and my
son sitting on the couch looking through a photo album. The boy
sits against Nabiki, and she has one arm around his shoulder, her
other hand balancing the large book while the boy turns the pages
and asks Nabiki questions.

�Who is this?�

�That�s me, when I was in high school.�

�But you�re big, not small!�

�What? Are you saying I�m fat?�

Nabiki tickles the boy until he rolls off the couch. I smile. The boy
climbs up next to Nabiki again. He turns the page.

�Tell me who these people are, Auntie.�

Auntie? I wonder why Nabiki has my son call her auntie. I guess
she doesn�t want to take my motherhood away, even if I don�t
want it.

�That�s me.�

�You�re pretty.�

�Thank you. And that�s your Auntie Kasumi. That�s Grandpa.
And see the girl there? That�s your mother.�

�Yeah! Akane�s my mom!�

Now I can feel the knot in my stomach growing bigger. I hate this.
I don�t care. I don't care I tell myself. Damn Nabiki! Why is she
making this so hard?

�And who�s next to your mommy?�

�That�s my daddy! Ranma!�

Oh god, what is she telling him? Damn it hurts, I think I can feel
a ball of fire where my guts used to be. I have to clench my teeth
and strain to keep from doubling up.

�Auntie?�

�Hmmm?�

�When are Mommy and Daddy coming home?�

I start to crawl back to the gate. I hope I can get out before anyone
sees me. This was a mistake. As I reach the gate I hear Nabiki�s
answer. Her voice is to clear too have carried out the window from
the couch. I know she must be watching me, crawling away like a
wounded animal. I can�t look back.

�I don�t know, Ranma-chan.�

That afternoon, I finally reach Ranma. I lay down on the grass
over him. Why, oh god, why, did Nabiki do this? It hurts so damn
much. Listening to her and my son, god, why did she name him
Ranma? Why did she tell him Ranma was his father?

I could see it. I could see my life the way I wanted it to be, just me
and Ranma and our family and, oh god, its coming, I can feel it
coming, I can feel it coming, finally, finally!

When I close my eyes I can see Ranma's dead body, cradled in my
arms, and then I feel the moment coming when my heart will
stop, and I know that I'm going to die, and the moment comes and
I can feel the tension in my chest now as I relive that moment, and
its here and...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

P.S. In case anyone missed it, the narrator is always Akane. Very few quotes
used, as well. That was mostly for affect, does it work or not? Let me know!

Steve Pardue
spardue@zebra.net