Red Dwarf IX – Here Comes Ranma

{The Scene: Aboard the Jupiter Mining Corporation Ship "Red Dwarf", in Lister’s sleeping quarters. The situation is normal, to say the least. LISTER is eating some kind of curry dish, complete with a beer milkshake, while watching "It’s A Wonderful Life". CAT is admiring himself in the mirror. HOLLY is visible on a monitor. RIMMER and KOCHANSKI are sitting at the room’s table, watching the movie as well. Rimmer is disgusted, Kochanski is indifferent.}

Rimmer: I can’t believe you’re watching this again. You already know what happens. How many times are you going to watch this smegging cinema to realize that the ending won’t change?

Lister: Seriously, Rimmer, you’ve got no magnificence in your soul, have you?

Cat: Would you two PLEASE be quiet? I’m preening myself, here!

Kochanski: shh! Rimmer, let it be. This is one of the best movies of our time. Dave and I, my Dave, that is, used to watch this all the time.

Rimmer: Totally unbelievable. Like this would actually happen in real life.

{Enter KRYTEN.}

Kryten: Sirs, and ma’am, I think you should come down to the Ops room. Something very strange is going on.

Cat: This better not take long. I’ve got a nap scheduled for two thirty, some eating at five, then another nap. I can’t be taking time out my busy life to cater to your needs.

Kryten: Sorry, Mr. Cat. This may take a while.

Lister: {getting up} What is it this time, Kryten? An Emohawk? Some GELFs or simulants, or a Vindaloo beast, or…

Kryten: That’s just it, sir. We’ve been through all that, and I STILL don’t know what it is.

Kochanski: Let’s just go and see what it is. Better bring the bazookoids just in case.

Cat: Yeah. We never meet anyone nice.

Rimmer: It better not be one of Lister’s socks again.

Holly: Technically the sock was a new life form, Rimmer.

{Rimmer, Kochanski, and Cat follow Lister and Kryten out the door.}

Rimmer: Excuses, excuses…

{Cut to Ops room where an interdimensional rip has formed.}

Lister: {sighing} Kryten, isn’t it obvious? It’s a smeggin’ tear in the space time continuum.

Kryten: That’s what I thought too, sir. But—

Rimmer: But what, Captain Bog Bot?

Kochanski: This isn’t like the pathway that brought me here.

Cat: Yeah. I’m not smelling anything, and Space Babe’s linkway had a definite stench.

{Kochanski glares at Cat.}

Kochanski: What he means is this can’t be a continuum tear.

Holly: (appearing on the monitor)What’s this, then? I’m not picking anything up on scanners.

Rimmer: Another holoship?

Lister: (shaking his head) Can’t be. We’d get some kind of reading, wouldn’t we, Hol?

Holly: (nods)

Kryten: You see now why I needed you down here, sirs and ma’am. I think it’s some kind of combination between an interdimensional time rip and a Universe breach.

Cat: A what?

Kryten: We’ve already encountered bridges between realities. Now, I think we’ve come across a bridge to a hypothetical reality. For example, we might have a pathway into the world of your cinema, sir. Jimmy Stewart’s character might come out of that rip.

Rimmer: As much as I’d like to believe a hypothesis given by a mechanoid who was created solely to clean toilets, I think we’d better consult Holly.

{The rip flashes and USAGI tumbles out, LUNA right behind her.)

Kryten: According to scans, they are anime characters from the twentieth century. Smug mode.

Usagi: (panicking) Luna… Where are we? (starts to cry)

{The rip flashes again, and out tumble NABIKI, P-CHAN, and UKYO.}

Ukyo: (raising her spatula) What in the world…

Nabiki: Hey! I was about to sell some pictures to Kuno! Whoever brought me here owes me three thousand yen!

P-chan: (squeals)

{The pictures Nabiki was holding fly out of her hands as Luna jumps across the jumble of people. Lister catches one of them.}

Lister: (whistles) Wow… who’s this chick?

Nabiki: (forgetting her predicament) That’s Ranma-chan. Each picture is five hundred yen.

{Cat walks over and looks at the girlie picture of Ranma’s girl-type.}

Cat: (wiggling his eyebrows) Does she like cats?

{Cut to usual Red Dwarf opening sequence/montage. Cue "Red Dwarf" theme song. Fade out then into Lister’s sleeping quarters. Lister, Cat, and Rimmer are all preening themselves in front of numerous mirrors. Kochanski is looking disdainfully at them, but appears to be dressed up herself.}

Kochanski: Really! You men are all alike. It’s slobbing around until some woman—

Cat: (grinning) Make that some WOMEN, Space Babe.

Kochanski: (ignoring Cat) – comes along and you get all anxious and "on the pull".

Lister: Come off it, Chrissy. These are the first women we’ve seen in a while that haven’t tried to kill us.

Kochanski: What am I? Poached salmon?

{Cat’s ears perk up.}

Cat: Fish? Where?

Kochanski: (shaking her head) Nevermind.

{Enter Kryten.}

Kryten: Well sirs, and ma’am, the rip has finally stabilized. The final headcount of the lifeforms is 14. Come into the MediLab. I’ll introduce you.

Kochanski: (to Kryten, under her breath) There aren’t any… gentlemen in the group, are there, Kryten?

Kryten: (in a loud voice) Why, yes, Miss Kochanski ma’am. There are several males in the group. In fact—

{Kochanski’s futile attempts to hush the naïve mechanoid fail as Rimmer overhears.}

Rimmer: What was that again about fish, Miss Kochanski, ma’am?

(Cut to MediLab, packed with people.)

Kryten: (pointing to each person/animal) This is Nabiki Tendo of Nerima, Japan, and her sister, Akane Tendo. This is Ranma Saotome, also of Nerima. The piglet is Miss Akane’s pet P-chan. The young woman with the spatula is Ukyo Kuonji, proprietor of "Ucchan’s Okonomiyaki", a vendor of Japanese pizza in Nerima. The lady with blond pigtails is Usagi Tsukino of Tokyo, Japan, and the blue cat along with her Miss Usagi’s pet, Luna.

Ranma: C-c-c-cat! (he jumps into Ukyo’s arms)

Ukyo: (with a big smile) Why, hello, Ran-chan!

(Akane’s mallet appears out of nowhere, beaning Ranma into unconciousness.)

Akane: Hmph. (absently pets P-chan, who is blissful.)

Kryten: (clears his throat) The blond haired man over there is Sage Date of Toyama, Japan. The blue-haired man to his right is Rowin Hashiba, also of Toyama. The white tiger is White Blaze, a friend of theirs.

(We hear a scream from Kochanski. A small man is trying to grope her.)

Kryten: (smiling at Kochanski’s misfortune) That is another of our guests, Miss Kochanski. A Mister Happosai.

Happosai: All these girls! Plenty of silken treasures to be liberated!

(Ranma, meanwhile, has regained conciousness and is standing on Nabiki’s shoulders to get away from Luna and White Blaze.)

Nabiki: You do realize, Ranma, that the use of my shoulders is costing you 300 yen per minute. I’ll… put it on your tab.

(Ranma is too terrified to speak. He weakly nods his head.)

Kryten: Mr. Lister, shall I continue? Mr. Lister?

(Lister is staring at SHAMPOO.)

Lister: Who’re you, then?

Shampoo: I Shampoo. Who you?

Lister: Shampoo, eh? I’m Lister. Dave Lister.

Shampoo: (Confusedly, while looking Lister over) You mix of man and gerbil?

Lister: (indignantly) Hey!

Rimmer: (laughs) Finally SOMEONE agrees with me.

Kryten: Sirs, and ma’am, we’re almost done here. The woman with white hair over there is Miss Urd, and the younger lady next to her is her sister, Skuld.

(Skuld has her arms crossed and is looking extremely angry. She is also obviously looking for Belldandy, not enjoying being in a strange dimension with only her oldest sister.)

Urd: Goddess of the Past, at your aquaintance. (leans forward to talk to the Cat, who is wide-eyed at the beautiful goddess.) Who are you?

Cat: I’m the Cat. And you are?

Urd: (laughs at the question, since it’s already been answered.) I am Urd, goddess of love.

Cat: (smiles widely) Well, I can be considered a god of fashion. Pleased to meet you, fellow goddess. (they talk about clothes in a conversation apart from the rest of the group.)

Kryten: You are all guests aboard our ship. This is the vessel Red Dwarf. You may call me Kryten. This is Mister Lister (points), Mister Cat (points at Cat, who is still talking with Urd), Mister Rimmer (points), Miss Kochanski (points), and our computer, Holly.

(Fade out. Commercial break.)

(Cue cheesy infomercial muzak. Lights fade in on Shampoo, who is wearing, as usual, a revealing Chinese style mini-dress.)

Shampoo: Nihao! I Shampoo, Chinese Amazon! I tell ‘bout mail order Jusenkyo spring powder. I tell, you order, yes?

(Zoom out to show Lister and the Cat, watching the commercial on a T.V.)

Cat: (in an obviously faked voice) Well, I’m sold!

Lister: Me too! (both give fake smiles, then go back to staring at the Chinese girl.)

(A spotlight appears on a table next to Shampoo, revealing little packages with Chinese writing on them)

Shampoo: This Jusenkyo powder. I show.

(Shampoo opens a packet, squints at the writing, then rips it open into a waiting tub of water.)

Shampoo: This "Spring of Drowned Piglet" water. Here is guest to show.

(Ryoga comes out nervously onto the commercial stage.)

Shampoo: This Ryoga. Never met before. Right? Is okay?

Ryoga: (nervously, obviously afflicted with stage fright) Y-yeah.

Shampoo: Guest now step in water? Is okay?

Ryoga: (whispering) Do I have to do this?

Shampoo: (whispering harshly) It just sugar in water. Go with flow, Pig-Boy.

Ryoga: (whispering) Fine, but you owe me. Remember our deal. I do this, you get that old mummy—

Shampoo: (whispering) Great-grandmother is no mummy!

Ryoga: (whispering) --To trap Ranma in China so I can date Akane.

Shampoo: (whisperng) Was deal. Still deal.

Ryoga: (badly acting) I don’t know, Shampoo. Will this water really turn me into a black piglet?

Shampoo: Will it? Let see!

(Ryoga jumps into the tub, emerging as P-chan.)

P-chan: (squeals)

Shampoo: Aiya! Ryoga is pig! Hot water reverse!

(Hot water is thrown on P-chan, along with a towel to cover him when he reverts to Ryoga.)

Ryoga: Wow, Shampoo. I’ll take a dozen!

Shampoo: Remember! Powder is mystic China magic. May not always work.

(Numerous phones ring in the background)

Shampoo: Operator stands by! Call now!

(Shampoo and Ryoga leave the stage. However, their voices are still heard.)

Ryoga: So who got you to do this?

Shampoo: Tendo mercenary girl. She say we make fortune selling sugar…