Date: Sat, 11 Apr 1998 02:50:32 +0900
To: ffml@fanfic.com
From: DDFA <ayanami@merlin.net.au>
Subject: [FFML] [FF] [SM] SIU part 13

S.I.U. - The Sailor Investigation Unit
by DARK DAY FOR ANIME (Mark A Page)

Another gripping installment.  Minor quibble:

	And then he saw THOSE eyes, and was down into the depths of 
the water in a flash, swimming for the other side.

	The water was no shelter.

   Not sure the last line works.  Instead of a cliffhanger, it had a 
note of certainty, without telling me what actually happened.  If it 
turns out he got nailed, I won't have felt any anxiety, while if he 
actually escapes, I'll feel like I was mislead.  As a suggested 
alternative:  ``... for the other side, hoping, against all odds, that 
the water would provide some shelter.''

<snip>

	"How do you know about them?"  Usagi turned on him.  Her face
was tear-stained, hey eyes bloodshot.  She was just barely holding
back her emotions.

  As a testament to your writing and descriptive ability, the last line 
is totally uneccessary--we can feel Usagi's thin grip on her emotions 
without you mentioning it specifically.

<snip>

	"Have you got a better plan?"  Setsuna now got to her feet and
looked down at Hotaru.  Hotaru wasn't intimidated by Setsuna's 
taller physical presence.

  Again, you're telling us what you are already showing us (very well, I 
might add).  H is quite clearly unaffected by S's physical strength, and 
you don't need to tell us about it.  If you want to underline the point, 
do it descriptively:  "If Hotaru was intimidated by the physical 
presence of the taller girl, she gave no outward sign."



<snip>

	"GIVE HER BACK TO ME!"  She took an almighty swing at the 
figure's face, and.... collected!  Very solidly, in fact.  The 

  I think you meant "connected"....

figure flashed into solidity and let out a dazed groan.  Then the
three of them headed for the ground.

	"AOI!"  Kaji reached out of the window helplessly as the three
plummeted.  And then another thing happened that he didn't expect...
They suddenly shot off sideways, at a great rate of knots.  "AOI!"
Kaji cried out.

  The phrase, "great rate of knots" doesn't work for me... how about, 
"at a tremendous speed"?

<snip>

	Rumiko put up her hands, intent on creating a shield, but she
was too slow.  Nobuhiro plowed into her, knocking her back at least
twenty feet.  She collapsed onto the ground, dazed.  Nobuhiro then
swung on Keiko and grabbed the girl by the collar of her coat.  He
lifted the girl off the ground and pulled his other fist back, 
intending to pound her senseless, when he felt an itch within his
head.

  Same complaint.  His intentions are obvious.  Dropping the phrase, 
"intending to pound her senseless" would rob nothing from this 'graph, 
and add to its conciseness (and thus, to its punch).


As I said, this was an absolutely fantastic installment.  I got the 
impression that you weren't confident enough in your own skill as a 
writer, and so "reinforced" it at places that were perfectly capable of 
standing on their own.

Looking forward to the next chapter!

--Freemage

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