Just to let all you smotpokers know I'm still alive...
Note: There's a somewhat OOC cameo in this one. The OOCness is just
for the sake of comedy. I mean, come on, this is a silly fic, we all
know it's a silly fic, that's to be expected.
C&C/MST welcome as usual.
~~o *** o~~
Part Three: The World's Most Lost Lover
~~o *** o~~
"My name is Don Juan de Porco. I am the world's greatest lover. I
have made love to...actually, I don' know how many women I have made
love to.
"Actually, I don' know much of anything about my life recently. To
be honest, it bothers me. I awoke in a hospital in California, with
no memory of how I arrived there. To make matters worse, I arrived
there without any of my possessions...well, almost without
possessions..."
~~o *** o~~
"I brought your things, Mr. Juan," Janine said, as she hauled a cart
loaded down with a heavy backpack, a pile of clothing, and a large
umbrella into the room.
Don Juan blinked. "These...these are no' my things," he said.
"Are you sure? I mean...these are the clothes you were wearing, and
you had this backpack and umbrella..."
The young man grunted as he lifted the backpack off the cart and
began rooting around in it. "These clothes...they are no' mine.
These...things...I don' recognize any of them." He pulled out item
after item: a mess kit, a folded tent, a ball of bandanas, the
Clotman diamond, and numerous other things, each time muttering "This
is no' mine...this is no' mine..." He pulled out a rather thick
leather pouch, and opened it. He blinked. "Now this...this is
definitely mine." The pouch was stuffed full of cash in numerous
denominaions and nationalities, mostly Japanese yen and American
dollars. "Yes, this is definitely mine," he said, grinning.
~~o *** o~~
"Well, after all, I did need the money to replace the things I was
missing...
"As I thought it over, I decided it would be a good idea to keep the
strange backpack and clothes for the time being.
"The umbrella, on the other hand..."
~~o *** o~~
"What in the world is this thing?"
Janine shrugged. "I...I really don't know. They had a hell of a time
lifting it, is all I know."
Don Juan picked up the umbrella, and frowned at it. "I fail to see
the purpose of this object." Looking around at the piles of clothing
and equipment he had extracted from the backpack, he sighed. "Very
well. I will take the clothing and the backpack. The umbrella, I will
no' take."
~~o *** o~~
"And so, there I was, with tasteless clothing and a backpack full of
ridiculous possessions, and no clear idea as to where to go or what
to do. Wandering the streets, I eventually decided to spend the night
at a hotel.
"After checking in, I examined the contents of the backpack in more
detail. Eventually, I came upon a small photo album. The album was
perhaps my most important discovery...aside from the pouch of money.
"It was through the discovery of the album that a memory returned to
me...a memory of the place I had come to consider home, and of the
young woman I knew to be my destiny.
"Mi amor, la Doncella de Cabellos Ardientes..."
~~o *** o~~
The young man flipped through the pages of the small photo album. He
barely recognized his own face in some of the photos; he only knew
his face from seeing it briefly in the mirror earlier.
The photos in the book were mostly of a group of people roughly his
own age. He noted with some pleasure that many of the pictures
featured beautiful young woman. A great many photos also featured a
boy with a pigtail. The face seemed familiar to him. "Perhaps this is
a friend of mine?" he wondered.
He turned another page...and his heart stopped. "Ah, but who is
this? This true vision of loveliness, that makes my heart race, that
numbs my mind with her beauty?" He stared at the photograph, his mind
whirling as fragmented memories of the girl in the photograph floated
to the surface. "For this maiden, there is no quest I would no'
undertake. There is no wound I would no' suffer. There is no obstacle
I would allow to impede my progress. No...nothing in this world would
prevent me from seeking her embrace...I know now what I must do.
Tomorrow, I must begin my journey, to find my goddess on Earth."
'Don Juan' spent the next few hours simply staring at the photograph
of the young girl with the fiery red hair.
~~o *** o~~
"And so it was, that I came to discover an address scrawled inside
the back cover of the album. I knew then where I must go to find la
Doncella de Cabellos Ardientes.
"Thus, the following day, after purchasing more suitable clothing, I
began the long journey to the distant islands of Japan..."
~~o THREE WEEKS LATER o~~
"So she's really outta my hair? For good?"
Tofu nodded, sipping his tea. He had arrived at the dojo moments
before, bearing good news for Ranma. "That's right, Ranma. They did a
series of psychiatric evaluations, and decided to commit Kodachi to
an asylum for the criminally insane."
"I certainly hope Kodachi receives the help she needs," Kasumi said
as she placed a tray of snacks on the table and sat down. Tofu's
glasses fogged over and he began trying to wash his fingers in his
tea.
Ranma facepalmed. "What about the baby...they're gonna make her give
that up, right?" she asked. Yes, Ranma was in girl mode again. The
pigtailed martial artist had decided it would be best to stay female
for a while in case Shampoo (or Ukyou, though he didn't think she'd
try anything else stupid) decided to take another shot at the
baby-making game.
Tofu overturned his teacup. "Baby? What b-baby?"
Ranma snapped her fingers in Tofu's face. "Yo, sensei, snap out of
it! I wanna know what they're gonna do about Kodachi's baby? Y'know,
the reason she got locked up in the first place?"
Tofu's glasses unfogged slightly. "Oh yeah, the baby." He paused,
examining his teacup and trying to avoid looking at Kasumi. Finally
focusing his gaze on Ranma, he continued, "The doctors think it would
be...a bad idea to force an abortion on Kodachi. They feel that
taking the baby away from her at this time might forfeit any chance
they have of treating her."
Ranma sighed. "So what happens when that kid's born?"
"I really can't say, Ranma. It depends on how Kodachi is doing when
the baby is born. More than likely, they'll force her to give it up
for adoption."
Akane frowned. "Wouldn't that be just as bad as making her have an
abortion?"
"Of course not, Akane," Nabiki said, rolling her eyes. "I've read up
on this kind of thing. Right now, they have what, another seven
months before the baby's born?"
Tofu nodded. "In the time between now and the birth, they may be
able to bring Kodachi around enough to realize that what she did was
wrong, and that she can't keep her child after it's born."
Ranma frowned. "Do you really think there's a chance of that
happening?"
Tofu shrugged. He then turned his attention to Akane. "And how about
you? How are you feeling?"
Akane grimaced. "Okay, I guess. Matsudaira-sensei says everything's
okay with the baby."
The door opened, and a voice bellowed, "SAOTOME! FIEND! SCOURGE!
SHOW YOURSELF!"
Ranma rolled her eyes and sighed. "Great...just great."
Kunou strode into the room, wielding a live katana. "Where is that
vile demon Saotome?"
Ranma stood. "Kunou, get outta here with that thing before you poke
somebody's eye out."
"Oh, pigtailed girl!" Kunou dropped to his knees before Ranma,
katana slung over his shoulder, free hand held out imploringly. "Do
you not see the villainy Ranma has committed? Do you not know of the
fate of my terribly ill sister?"
"Yeah, the nutcase got locked in the looney bin," Ranma said.
"Because the accursed Saotome bore false witness against her! It is
true that her pursuits of the scurrilous boor oft involved impure
methods of persuasion, yes. Nevertheless, whereupon deflowering my
misguided sibling, impregnating her with his vile seed, he denied
responsibility for--"
"He wasn't responsible," Ranma growled. "Kodachi raped him." Ranma
figured it would be pointless to try to convince Kunou of her
identity at this point.
"The lies! The vicious, deplorable lies!" Kunou wailed. "My poor
sister, locked away not in a place of treatment, but in a place of
punishment!" He looked over to Akane. "And what of my beauteous
Tendou Akane, the fair huntress, also deflowered by the knave..."
"Nobody deflowered me, Kunou," Akane said, sighing. "Ranma never
touched me."
"Impossible!" Kunou screamed. "How can you believe such a thing?"
"Ever hear of artificial insemination, Kunou-chan?" Nabiki said,
rolling her eyes.
"No! I shan't believe that the spawn of the demon Saotome exists by
noble Akane's own choice! I--ugh."
Kunou fell forward, landing with a muffled thump. His katana
clattered to the ground. Everyone except Tofu blinked at Ranma, whose
hand was extended slightly away from her body. She smiled. "I'm
beginning to like that little trick," she said.
~~o *** o~~
"After many days of travel, I found myself in the Nerima ward of
Tokyo, Japan. I had at last arrived at my destination. At long last,
my reunion with the maiden of the fiery hair was at hand.
"...of course, there is no reason for me to hurry. After all, I
must...prepare myself, for the challenge of satisfying my true
love..."
~~o *** o~~
"That *jerk*," the girl sitting on the park bench fumed. "That
hentai, womanizing *jerk*! Why does he keep running off after other
girls?"
"Pardon me, miss. I could no' help but overhear. Am I to understand
that you have been abandoned by your lover?"
The girl looked up. Standing before her was a young man wearing a
ruffled white poet shirt, fancy black trousers with a shiny black
leather belt and boots, and matching black gloves. A black cape hung
from his shoulders, and a black, wide-brimmed hat sat atop his head.
Most interesting was the black mask which covered his eyes. He
*seemed* to be Asian, but she couldn't be sure. A loop earring hung
from his right ear, and a fine growth of mustache and beard adorned
his face. In comparison, she felt extremely underdressed.
"H--hai," the girl said. "He's always chasing after anything in a
skirt or less...or even more if he thinks it's female."
The man sat down beside her, and took her hand in both of his. "I
fail to understand why a man with such a beautiful woman waiting at
home for him would seek to find happiness in the arms of another."
The girl sniffled. "But he does...all the time. Every time I turn my
back on him for one second, he's attacking some poor girl..."
The man in the mask scowled. "A dishonorable creature! Forcing
himself upon defenseless women--"
"They always beat the crap out of him."
"Oh. Well, then."
"I just...I wish I could make him stop going after other women..."
the girl said, sighing.
The oddly-dressed young man caressed her hand. "Tell me, does this
man...satisfy you? Does he give you pleasure?"
She blinked. "You mean--?" She made a rather suggestive gesture, to
which the masked man nodded. Blushing deeply, she said, "No...we've
never...well, he either ignores me, or comes on too strong...y'know?"
"Define...too strong."
"He has one approach to every girl he comes on to. He glomps them
and starts drooling."
"That...is definitely too strong." The man paused, studying her hand
intently, as though it were the most interesting thing in the entire
universe. Anyone observing would have found this odd, considering
that the girl's outfit rather...accentuated her natural beauty. "Then
tell me this...why do you remain faithful to him? What does he give
you, what does he do for you? How does he make you feel special?"
The girl blinked. "Umm...I..." She frowned. "Well..." For some
reason, she was hard pressed to come up with a defense of her
devotion. The young man in the mask raised her hand to his lips, and
gently kissed it. She blushed deeply. "I...I don't know," she finally
admitted.
"Your lover who is no' your lover...he takes more interest in other
women than he takes in you. Perhaps this is a sign that he is no' the
one you are searching for."
She peered into his masked gaze. "And I suppose you are?"
He chuckled. "No, no. I am no' the one for you either. My heart is
already promised to another." He began stroking her hand. "My
passion, however...my passion is no' limited to any one woman."
The girl narrowed her eyes. "You sound like...him."
He chuckled again. "No, there is a difference. You see...he only
wishes to sate his own lust. I, on the other hand," he paused to kiss
her hand once more. "I give pleasure to my women. I give
satisfaction." Leaning closer, he brushed strands of green hair from
her face, and brushed a kiss across her slightly pointed ear.
She blushed furiously. "Wh...who are you?"
"My name," he said, removing his hat and bowing slightly, "is Don
Juan." Standing, he clasped her hand, gesturing for her to join him.
She too rose from the bench, and the two walked away together.
~~o *** o~~
"That...that was incredible," she said, her voice husky as she
regained her breath.
"It is a pleasure you have been denied far too long," Don Juan said.
She smiled dreamily at him. "Will...will I ever see you again?"
He shrugged. "I will no' lie to you...I doubt our paths will cross
again."
She sighed, and pouted cutely. "Will...will you at least take off
your mask, so I can see your face?"
He shook his head and sighed. "This I canno' do. I have sworn never
to take off my mask in the presence of another." He took her in his
arms, and kissed her tenderly. "I must go now. I want you to know
that I will never forget you."
She sighed deeply. "I know I'll never forget you, Don Juan."
The handsome young man in the black cape and mask left silently. His
recent lover sighed one last, long sigh, and picked her tiger-striped
bikini up off the floor...
~~o *** o~~
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The Eternal Lost Lurker
...who uses a Microsoft e-mail client, and is
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EternalLostLurker@worldnet.att.net
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Remember, breath mints are known to help
prevent Zakari disease.
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