Since I still can't quite figure out the nuances of Rebellion, I thought
I'd see about this.
At 01:12 AM 4/10/98 -0400, Jonathan Ng wrote:
"Embrace Who You Are"
Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction
Jonathan Ng <jonathan@worldy.com>
Now...
Then... ^_^
"Embrace Who You Are" v0.1
This is sort of a continuation from Nicholas Leifker's "A Man I'll
Never Be"... sort of. You see, Ranma just came home after fighting
Herb, just barely winning. He takes the time in the bath to
contemplate who he is, his identity, and most important of all - his
manhood.
Ironic timing. I had written it almost to the day two years ago.
Although... to be honest, this reminded me more of another work of mine,
"Journeys", for reasons I will explain later.
-------------------------------------------------
Akane heard a female voice, crying in the shower. She knew it was
Ranma. What happened? She wondered, Ranma doesn't cry, ever. Part
of her wanted to shrug it away; he isn't worth it, it says. He
always calls you 'kawaiikunee', an uncute tomboy, and he always insults
your cooking. But another voice said, he saved you in the tornado
when you jumped in to get the moxibustion chart, didn't he? He
sacrificed the chart - the only way to get his strength back - to save
you, didn't he? Akane held the thoughts in her mind, balancing them
one against the other. Eventually, her feelings for Ranma won out.
She opoened the door and stepped inside.
Gripe #1: The language is... well... rough. It *feels* like a first draft,
without the polish that comes with revisions. Also, you might want to
include other events in Akane's thoughts at that point, such as his
protection of her during the Martial Arts Skating match. I would also
recommend not personifying the voices inside of her so much.
That is, of course, assuming you want to keep the paragraph in at all. It
isn't really that necessary, given the later bits.
* * * * * * *
Ranma was sobbing in the shower, the events that happened just sinking
in. It's not fair! She thought. Why in all of the pools I just had
to fall in the Spring of Drowned Girl? Why? Why did fate decide to
take away part of the thing I treasured most? With this curse I can't
walk into the rain without being conscious of my change; I can't swim
without wearing a bikini; I can't even face my own mother. And it's
getting worse. I've narrowly avoided being doomed a girl forever...
and it's not the first time, too. Kunou and Happosai can't keep their
hands off me. Nabiki takes advantage of me. No one cares about me
anymore. Noone...
Not bad... only a bit of polish is really needed.
Someone went in and turned off the shower.
Expand this sentence. Descrimbe more what Ranma hears and feels, not what
happens.
"A...Akane?" Ranma was shocked to see Akane, of all people.
Is the last sentence really necessary? In this case, Ranma's saying of
Akane's name is enough.
"Ranma, why are you crying?" Akane said.
The redhead tried to keep her feelings inside. "Akane, I'm not..."
Gary suggested changing the descriptions to show what the senses show,
rather than what actually happens. For the most part, I agree. "Ranma
squirmed slightly from her sitting position."
"Ranma, your face tells me everything." Indeed, Ranma's eyes were
all puffy, from crying.
"Ranma, finish your bath and come into my room. I think we need to
talk."
"Akane, I..."
Akane slapped the pig-tailed girl. A big palm cheek was imbedded in
Ranma's face.
Um... I'm not sure about Akane's reaction here. A suggested alternative:
"Akane touched her hand to Ranma's cheek, the soft caress more powerful
than a thousand slaps to the face." or something similar.
Akane's response here doesn't have to be violent to be strong. Some of the
strongest reactions *don't* use violence. Suppose you used the action I
described above, with the following quote in response:
"Ranma, no more protests. You *will* come to my room. Because... because
you're hurting too much right now to say no."
Defeated, Ranma looked down - and immediately regretted it as she saw
her body, a body that somehow was hers, but didn't belong to her. She
stifled a weak reply. "Yes, Akane." She was tired, both physically
and emotionally. Ranma went in the tub. Akane walked out and returned
to her room.
Polish the words up a bit.
* * * * * * *
Ranma, now male again, sat on the floor of Akane's room. He felt
incredibly awkward, and didn't know what to say. "Akane..."
Again, description of what Ranma's physically doing, rather than the
play-by-play, would be good. Also, you might want to put in a few
sentences of transition, specifically Ranma walking to her room and sitting
down.
Akane was getting impatient. "Yes?"
Ranma played around with his fingers. "I... the events that just
happened... I... I hate this curse. It's gotten me into nothing
but trouble. Well, it turned out that Herb was a guy, and he got
knocked accidentally into Nyannichuan and got splashed with the
Chiisuiton, changing him permanently. When we were at Mount Koorin,
Herb got splashed with some of the Kaisuihuu water and turned male.
Then and there, I experienced what true fear was like... and I didn't
want to experience it again. All of it got me thinking about my
curse. Has there been anything happened that was good to me because
of the curse?"
A suggestion here: Separate the quotes into several paragraphs, with
descriptions of Ranma's changing expressions and with 'dramatic pauses' put
in to put the important words into full effect.
Akane replied, "You're moping about a stupid curse? Sure you get into
trouble... but you always get into trouble, curse or not. Don't just
blame it on the curse. You have a big mouth that doesn't know when
to stop. You just babble and babble, without thinking about other
people. That's what gets you into trouble, not the curse."
Little personal gripe: I don't know about that 'babble and babble' bit.
Seems a bit childish. Again, polish would help here.
Ranma got defensive. "There are other things, too! Like the rain.
I hate the rain, because it reminds me of who I am. I can't swim like
a guy either. Why can't I just be a normal guy for once? Then I could
see my mother. Then I won't have Kunou and Happosai pestering me all
the time. Then I could have my manhood back. Then I could..." He
couldn't say it. He still couldn't say it, after all that has
happened. It was a simple three words, but he still couldn't say them.
His voice dropped lower. "...say I love you."
Recommend losing one of the 'couldn't say it' sentences, preferably the
last one.
Akane was shocked. <That baka actually _loves_ me?> The words slipped
out of her mouth. "I love you too, Ranma." She smiled.
Here's an excellent example of a place where description, rather than just
saying it, would be absolutely perfect. Suppose the woman of your dreams
just (albeit reluctantly) just said 'I love you' to you. How would you
feel? How many ways would your stomach be turning? How many weeks would
it take to wipe the silly grin off your face? Instead, you resort to
'Akane was shocked.'
<Akane looks real sweet when she smiles.> Ranma thought.
Akane continued. "In fact, I like both of you. I don't care whether
you're 100% man anymore, Ranma. You're not 100% man anymore. You
have to embrace who you are... and I'll help you do it."
Again, a bit more description to add color would be good here. I can see
Akane biting her lip nervously before saying the words, and also hesitating
more before she says the last phrase there.
Ranma exclaimed, "But I can't do it! I don't want my manhood taken
away from me. Besides, I'll have to commit seppuku!"
Again, physical description of reactions is needed.
Akane got angry again. "I'm not saying you have to act like a girl!
But maybe if you weren't acting like a marching soldier... and actually
thought of things before you said them, you'll probably get into
trouble less often."
I don't think the ellipse after 'soldier' is needed there.
And yes, I did just say that. To be honest, if I tried to write 'A Man
I'll Never Be' today, there probably wouldn't be half of the ellipses that
are there now.
To her surprise, Ranma actually said, "Okay. I feel a lot better now.
Thanks a lot, Akane. It doesn't mean I don't hate this curse, though.
But it'll be part of me, just like everything else. And when I give
myself to you..." He smiled wickedly. "...you get all of me, not just
bits and pieces." He left the room.
This I don't like. It's too quick. Ranma will need to think about this.
This is also related to something I'll talk about at the end.
Kuno Tatewaki was not far away.
"Akane-san and my pigtailed goddess! My dreams have become reality!
You have permission to date..."
Both Ranma and Akane punted him into the sky.
Some things _never_ change.
I dunno... I really didn't see the point of the last section. It seemed
like a copout.
Also, the work suffers from what I would refer to as 'Journeys' syndrome,
after a work I released last year. It pretty much goes like this: Writer
writes short character work. In the work, writer ends up pointing the
story in a very specific direction (in this case, Akane helping Ranma
accept her cursed form more). However, as the work is a short character
piece, writer never pursues the obvious follow-up to the story itself.
When I read this, I find myself *wanting* to see Akane help Ranma, and for
the two to grow closer together (Of course, it could be just because it's
been way too long since Bast has released anything on 'Love's Fire'...).
This shouldn't be a short character piece; this is the beginning idea for a
full-fledged story, if you want to follow it to its rightful conclusion.
The bit at the end doesn't justify it; it's like saying 'Ranma and Akane
liked each other a little more, but overall very little changed. The End.'
and leaving the reader hanging as to what happened in between there.
Start with the passage above, where Ranma and Akane talk, and Akane makes
an offer. Give Ranma time to think about it... have him say yes... then
have Ranma and Akane growing closer together. I'll leave the details up to
you.
To be honest, I liked the work. It shows a lot of promise. But it also
needs a lot of work before it's as good as I know it can be.
C&C Very very welcome
Jonathan Ng
jonathan@worldy.com
-- Nick