At 09:10 PM 4/7/98 -0500, you wrote:

Presenting, for this odd little MST, a few characters from KOF, and
perhaps another game here or there.

Kyo Kusanagi: Wait a minute, should I be watching this?  I'm still trying
       to kill Emerald Weapon!  I haven't beaten Sephiroth yet!
Iori Yagami:  Pathetic wimp.  I beat the whole game in less than... TWENTY
       hours!
Deuce: You lie.
Kyo:   *despairing* And I'm on 80 hours... *sob*
Deuce: Forty hours to beat it, minimum.
Iori:  It's because I'm just that cool.
Kyo:   Time to heat you up, then.  *fists burst into flame* MOERO!!!
Deuce: Calm down, guys... the others should be here soon.

*in strangled voice as hordes of (okay, maybe not hordes, maybe about three
or four) angry CoJ otaku attempt to throttle her*

Deuce: Ah, there they are.

it...was...a...joke...it...was...a...joke... here's the REAL Chapter 16!

Iori:  Oh well, then, I suppose this time we can let her live.
Kyo:   Ain't you the kind one.

[The door to the theater busts open, and in pop Sie Kensou, Athena Asamiya,
 Yashiro Nanakase, Chris, Shermie... as well as Edge and Rydia from FF4!]

All:   What's all this then?
Deuce: Quiet!  It's time to start.
Rydia: I just love cereals. *crunchcrunch*

Chapter 16 (the real one)

All:   Grrrr...

Deep in the Nibel mountain caves, a lone Mako fountain sang
contentedly as its light glistened on something that now stood within it.

Athena: The hills are aliiiiive... with the sound of Maaaaakoooooo....
All:    *groan*

In other words, the Planet had spent the last four days making a sword.

Chris:  So THAT'S why my tomato plants weren't growing.

And it wasn't about to relinquish its creation to just anybody. It had a
specific pair of hands in mind when it sculpted the handle. It had also
given its creation a name: Excalibur.

Iori:   Oh, how cheesy.
Kyo:    *smacks Iori*  As if YOU'RE one to talk about cheesiness, Mr.
        oh-look-how-fast-and-strong-I-am-when-I-go-nuts.
Iori:   Hmph.  Just jealous.

"The hell you mean Cid ain't comin'!?" Barret spat. Vincent and the
remaining Highwind crew had come to pick him up, and he did not seem
terribly thrilled with the idea of Vincent flying the airship. "What's
wrong with him?"

Shermie: Aside from the loss of his only daughter?
Chris:   He's had worse.
Yashiro: What?
Edge:    That's something pretty tough to deal with, you know.

Shermie & Chris: At least he has a last name!

"Step off, Barret," Elena snapped in reply. "In case you didn't hear what
Vincent just said, Cid and Shera have just lost their daughter. You think
it's unreasonable to give the man a few days off to deal with it?"

Edge:    Yes. *gets smacked by Rydia*  Ow!

"He spent three days looking for her," Vincent replied. "He didn't find
her. He knew the rest of us needed to get back to the tasks at hand, but
he needed to spend a few days at home with his wife before he could help
us with that. I'm sorry if you have a problem with that, Barret, but that's
what he wanted and we have no right to tell him he can't do it."

Sie:     And I know that you know that you know that I know...
Athena:  Shut up, Sie.
Sie:     *sigh*

"And I think you think too damn much, Spike," Barret replied.

Edge:    He's worse than Cecil!
Sie:     Who's Cecil?
Edge:    Well, let's see...
Deuce:   AHEM!  Back to the fic...

Materia all the way over to that cave on Round Island. I figure since
we're here, one of us can just saddle Bugs up and go grab it before
Sephiroth does."

Yashiro: Kill da birdie, kill da birdie, kill da birdie...

It turned out that Bugs had other plans.

Shermie: Cloud Strife and Tifa Lockhart in... Bugs of the Frozen North!

"WARK!" Bugs screeched, and then he proceeded to buck wildly and
throw Barret into the grass below. To add insult to injury, the chocobo
kicked backwards with his left foot, then his right, peppering Barret with
a fine spray of soil and torn grass blades.

Chris:   Cool!  I want one!
Shermie: Me too.
Yashiro: You really ARE a masochist...
Shermie: *elbows Yashiro* Hush, you.
Yashiro: Heh heh...

"Well." Barret stood up slowly, brushing himself off as the others stifled
hysterical laughter; Vincent simply shook his head and covered his mouth
with his hand. "Same to you, ya walkin' hot wing platter..."

Iori:    That reminds me, did anyone get snacks?
Deuce:   I'll get some... *gets up and walks out*

"Steady, Bugs..." Red tried to hop up on the chocobo's back once more
and actually made it, holding on for the full eight seconds needed for
maximum scoring before Bugs spun around three times and dumped the
beast onto the ground. 

Rydia:   I don't recall chocobos having quite so much attitude....
Kyo:     Well, they wouldn't with you...
Edge:    Because she's just so damn cute. *pinch* OW!!

Vincent had to sit down. Still he made no sound, but all could see that
under his cape, his entire body shook with laughter.

Kyo:     He really shouldn't bottle his feelings up like that.
Iori:    And why not?

"Sure," Tifa snickered, taking hold of Bugs's reins. "This is a job that
requires a woman's touch, I guess."

Edge:    I could sure do with a woman's touch.  *WHACK*  Not like THAT!
         Ow!
Deuce:   *walking back in with a big tray of snacks*  What'd I miss?
Rydia:   Just a bunch of people, Edge included, making asses of themselves.

"Oh, GAWD!" Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Do I have to do EVERYTHING
around here?" She likewise grabbed hold of the chocobo's reins, likewise
swung her leg over his back, and sat there triumphantly. "There!" she
grinned, patting Bugs's wing.

Kyo:     Big mistake...
Iori:    VERY big mistake.

Bugs slammed on the brakes just as his toes entered the water. The law
of inertia states that a body in motion will tend to remain in motion until
it is stopped by some outside force, and thusly Yuffie remained in motion
until she was stopped by an outside force--namely, sea water, three feet
deep. She came up spluttering and hacking, and as she sloshed her way
back to terra firma, she shot an incensed glance at Bugs.

All:     WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Yuffie:  *peering out of the screen*  I HEARD THAT!
All:     Eep.

"Warkwarkwarkwarkwark," Bugs said softly, as if he were laughing at
Yuffie's misfortune.

All:     *snicker*

"I dunno, he was just here a minute ago...what's that noise?" Cloud
looked over toward a nearby tree, as did the others. Hysterical laughter
issued forth from behind it. Yuffie turned purple, stomped off behind the
tree, and returned a few moments later dragging Vincent by the front of
his shirt. He was still snickering softly, and his eyes were brimming with
tears.

Kyo:     See, now that's more like it.

"Look who just volunteered to be the next victim," she announced, and
Vincent stopped laughing.

Yashiro: This is going to hurt, isn't it.
Chris:   Probably.
Shermie: Cool!

Vincent's attempt was feeble at best. He managed to get up on Bugs's
back, but the chocobo just walked right out from under him, dumping
him on the ground. That left Elena.

Edge:    Distinctly lacking in style.
Rydia:   Hm... I'd have expected better from a smoothie like Vincent.
         Those eyes... *stares dreamily*
Edge:    Hey!

"No way." Elena shook her head. "I'll help you chase Sephiroth down.
I'll hack into Shinra's computers for you. I'll clean up after Yuffie if I
have to."

All:     Ouch.

"But I am NOT getting on that damn dirty bird!" With that, Elena folded
her arms across her chest and sniffed.

Rydia:   Yooouuu dirty bird.  Don't try to tell me any of your
         cockadoodie lies!
Edge:    Uh, Rydia?  You know I hate it when you do your Kathy Bates
         impression.  Rydia?  RYDIA...

"Warrk?" he said. He kicked up dirt twice and bucked, sending Elena
flying over his head into the water.

Kyo:     Woohah!  Those must be some temperamental birds.
Iori:    Anyone else notice you never see horses in these games?

While the others laughed and Elena fumed, Vincent scratched his head.
"You know, I should have thought about this...this is Cid's chocobo,
isn't it?"

Sie:     D'oh!
Athena:  Of course!  He can only be ridden by his master!

[Many odd looks directed at Athena]

Athena:  You people are all SICKOS!
   

looked damn familiar. The kid, Annie noticed, spent a lot of time looking
at the wall of fame, where all the portraits of the famous pilots were
displayed; she spent a lot of time looking at one portrait in particular.

Rydia:   *sniffsniff*  She misses her family... I know how she feels.
Edge:    *putting a tentative arm around Rydia's shoulders*  Don't worry...
         it'll be okay, I'm sure.

The confrontation finally entered the physical mode. Chopper threw a
punch at the other biker, who countered with a punch of his own. C.J.
calmly turned, walked over to the pair, grabbed them both by the hair,
and knocked their heads together.

Deuce:    I love a woman with balls.
Kyo:      HUH?
Deuce:    Especially when they're mine. ;D
Iori:     And they say I'm twisted.
Deuce:    You are.

"You ever gonna tell me what C.J. stands for?"

C.J. wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "Cid Junior," she finally
whispered, and Annie did a double take.

All:      What, no pratfall?

"I just turned six," C.J. answered. Annie gasped and swore.

Sie:     She's so... healthy!
Athena:  SIE!!!!!
Sie:     Sorry...

Archer was not thrilled. He was officially persona non grata in yon local
drinking establishment, which meant that until Heidegger decided it was
time for the Turks to get off their butts and do something, he was stuck
in this nasty little burg sans alcohol, not to mention sans his best buddy.
God, it sucked. 

Yashiro: Oh man, that's got to suck.
Chris:   Bleck.  Alcohol.
Yashiro: Wait until you're older, kid.  You'll develop a taste for it.
Chris:   Excuse me?  *eyes flaring up*
Yashiro: Uh, sorry...

"Hey, boss, I need you to check on something for me. Do we have any
female SOLDIERS still AWOL from before Meteor?"

Sie:     HELLO darling I'M AFRAID I won't BE HOME this evening....
Athena:  Stupid Monty Python addiction...

"Hold on." There was a tapping of keys. "No. Why do you ask?"

Sie:     Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait 'till lunchtime!
Athena:  PSYCHOBAAAAALL! *fwoosh*  *WHAM* *sizzle*
Sie:     OWWW!!!!  Okay, okay...

Archer decided he needed to get drunk very badly, and realized that
getting back into the bar would mean begging forgiveness from the
bouncer he'd hit on. On second thought, maybe he could do without that
drink for now.

Yashiro: Which is more important, pride or alcohol?  There's a toughie.
Shermie: Oh, please...
Chris:   Pride.
Yashiro: Alcohol.
Shermie: Tastes great!
Edge:    LESS FILLING!
Deuce:   SHUT UP!

Reeve woke up with a start as an unpleasant beeping noise began to
assault his eardrums. He noted that he had fallen asleep on the keyboard
of his computer, which meant that the memo he'd been typing now read
something along the lines of  "We seem to be having the most trouble
with Turbines 3 and 4; pleaseekjs79dnvabs kjs wh5v k a';kjh..."

Iori:    Houston, we have a problem.

"Ugh," he muttered, jabbing the "backspace" key to fix the mess. Coffee.
He needed coffee. As if by divine intervention, the door to his office
opened and in came Reno and Rude, both laden with coffee and pastries. 

Sie:     You know, John Lennon once said, "A man with an armful of
         takeaways is either very hungry, or knows someone who's very
         hungry."
Athena:  The Young Ones now?
Sie:     Yup.

"Tell me again why I'm still here," Reeve muttered, rubbing his eyes.

Edge:    Well, there is that contract for your soul...
Rydia:   Oh shush.

Reeve shook his head. "As long as she's been in there, no." At that
moment, his phone rang. He picked it up, rolling his eyes.
"Hello...hello...look, whoever you are, I am not amused. You can say
'hello' or you can say 'good morning' or you can even say 'Governor
Brannon, I think you're a jackass,' but this has got to stop!" He slammed
the phone down with a soft growl. "Who the hell is that!?" he asked
nobody in particular, stirring five packets of sugar into his coffee. 

Kyo:     Just start breathing heavy into the phone and they go away.
         Works like magic.
Iori:    Or scream like your eyes have just burst.
Deuce:   Uhhh...

"Thanks." Reeve rubbed his eyes. "You have no idea how much this is
freaking me out."

Rydia:   ...said the man who controls a robotic talking cat atop a
         big Moogle puppet.

C.J. jumped and quickly hung up the pay phone as Annie came out back
hauling a bag of tools and various motorcycle guts. "All righty. You ever
worked on a hog before?"

Rydia:   "Well, no, but I've seen plenty of real pigs come into this bar."

C.J. nodded. "Yes ma'am, I think so." She crouched down next to the
bike and examined it closely. "I was wondering if there was a junkyard
around here. I was thinkin' about some other stuff I could do to this
thing."

Kyo:     We're in trouble now...
Iori:    Indubitably.

"Oh, hell," Annie laughed. "You're scarin' me." She laughed a bit more,
then she shook her head. "I gotta go back in. I'll yell if I need ya,
okay?"

Edge:    AAAAAAGH!
Rydia:   Not YOU, dummy. *whack*
Edge:    OW!

Annie was right about one thing; C.J. had no trouble getting the old plugs
out of the bike. A few of them were rusted in place, but several squirts of
1010 oil and a few mighty grunts and twists later, they popped right out.

Athena:  Mmm... iron oxide.
Sie:     Mmm... WD40.
Deuce:   Mmm... sparkplugs.
Kyo:     WHAT?!
Deuce:   I was just going along...

Changing oil was normally an easy task, but the old oil in the crankcase
was the consistency of cold pancake syrup and black as the ace of spades;

All:     EWWWWW!

and one to a clothing store
where she picked up a few pair of jeans and a few T-shirts.

Athena:  All right, time to go shopping.
Shermie: I'm with you!
Rydia:   Me too!
Sie:     *groan*

She was a
little saddened to find that they stocked no pink Mog T-shirts in her size,
but made do with one plain pink one, one black/white/gray camo pattern
one, and one black one decorated with a rather scary-looking bird of prey
diving in for the kill.

Edge:    Hey, maybe I should get that for my outfit.
Rydia:   Ummm... no.
Edge:    Aww, but why not?
Rydia:   Ummm... no.
Edge:    Dammit.

"Been better. What's up with Bugs?" Cid lit up a cigarette and puffed on
it halfheartedly. 

Shermie: Well, they're icky creatures with six legs each, usually having
         some form of exoskeleton.  Some examples of common insects include
         ants, mosquitoes, bats...
All:     BATS AREN'T BUGS!
Shermie: Well, neither are chocobos, and nobody griped about that...

"We haven't really thought about that," Vincent mused. "I suppose we
could leave it at Bugenhagen's observatory, like we did with the Huge
Materia. Or maybe Reeve's got somewhere he can lock it up. For reasons
I don't need to remind you of, it would not be advisable to keep it with
us."

Kyo:     Thaaat's right, Cloud's got a little Riot of Blood himself...

"Of course not," Vincent replied. "Although I don't think Yuffie and
Cloud were too pleased with my piloting abilities..."

"Oh shit," Cid said with a weak laugh. 

Chris:   Such language.
Edge:    Oh, shut the @#$%^ up.
Rydia:   EDGE!
Edge:    Hey, this Square-style censoring is cool. @#$#&*!
All:     @^$*@#!!!

"I think Cloud and Yuffie would beg to differ with you on that," Vincent
replied, and Cid snickered.

Edge:    Oh sure.  Like that crash landing in the underground....
Rydia:   "Lali-ho" my butt.
Edge:    And what a cute butt it is.  *whack* Ow... can't take a compliment.

Later that night, Annie found C.J. curled up in a ball on the ground next
to the bike, which had been covered with a sheet of plastic. "Damn,
girl..." Annie knelt down and shook C.J.'s shoulder gently. "The hell you
doin' sleepin' out here? You could come inside, y'know."

Sie:     I never wanted to be a bouncer...
Athena:  Don't you even DARE.
Sie:     Aww...

Annie chuckled and shook her head, then she pulled back the plastic and
gasped. The bike in front of her looked only remotely like the Devil
Hawg she'd ridden six or so years ago. It sported a new paint job, an
auxiliary gas tank, and a little flag rising from the aft end of the thing;
the flag was drawn with markers on a scrap of handkerchief and depicted a
Shinra logo with a large black X drawn over it. "Hoo boy," Annie said,
shaking her head again and covering the bike back up.

All:    Oooooh.  Aaaaahhh.
Kyo:    I want one!
Edge:   Me too!

[Etcetera, etcetera... folks chatting as they exit the theater, leaving
 Deuce alone to watch the credits.]

Author's Notes: Yes, there have been Excaliburs in other Final Fnatasy
games, so why not this one?...I can picture the whole chocobo fiasco as a
doujinshi; I imagine it'd be cute drawn with little SD characters--hmm,
I'll have to work on that,

Deuce:  I'd buy that for a dollar... cool stuff so far, though.  Looking
        forward to more.  Keep up the good work!  And how many chapters
        is this thing going to be anyhow? :)

-Deuce