*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON TWO)
EPISODE 14: RANKO'S LIFE PT. 1
(A Ranma 1/2 MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, television
shows, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc....
Ranma 1/2 is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the
distributors of her work.
"Ranko's Life" is the property of Hitomi Ichinohei and she's welcome to it.
I do not intend to offend her for making fun of her work like this but I
figure no one else ever will. Think of this as another form of C&C. ;)
This fanfic is rated PG-13 for mature content.
SOMEWHERE NEARBY EARTH
03:19 HOURS
"ARM WEAPONS! PREPARE TO ATTACK!"
The cold unforgiving vacuum of space prevented the words
from being heard, even if they could have penetrated the hull of the ship
it came from. And it was a good thing, considering the countless life-forms
that were about to die....
The Satellite of Hate loomed ever closer to the planet. Its
dog-bone shape was marred in the middle by a enormous and hideous
skull of the head of Crow T. Robot in its center. The satellite then
began to slowly transform, splitting the dog-bone shape into an X-wing
configuration, each wing armed with the latest in offensive weaponry.
Inside the Satellite, the bridge was a beehive of activity. Tom
Servo hovered over the target sensors, his recent blue paint job dripping
on the floor below, as he carefully monitored the power levels of the
cannons, making sure they wouldn't overload during this critical
moment.
Meanwhile Crow T. Robot sat at his communications console,
quickly and efficiently intercepting all transmissions from Earth to fire
their nuclear weapons and jamming them. By the time the Earth figured
out what was happening, it would be dusted like bundt cake....
Joel had an evil smile on his face as he rose from his command
chair, taking a moment to straighten out the wrinkles on his jet-black
jumpsuit. "Distance to target, Mr. Robot!" Joel snapped.
"Approximately 100 kilometers, give or take a kellicam...."
Crow answered back.
Joel nodded and then turned towards Tom. "Target analysis,
Mr. Servo!"
Tom turned to face him. "The Earth has considerable defenses
but their communications and surveillance technology is hopelessly
primitive, compared to our own. We can jam all their equipment and take
apart the planet at our leisure."
Joel's smile grew wider. "Excellent! Cambot, give me Rocket
Number 666!"
The image of the Earth slowly came into view. A swirling mass
of water with large tracts of dirt for which the planet was named after. It
represented the essence of nature. Life and creation. Joel gazed upon this
image for a long moment as these thoughts ran through his mind,
encouraging him to see the true beauty and majesty of his homeworld.
"Fire."
The Satellite shuddered for a moment as most of its power was
sent to the weapons array and then slammed through the cannons like a
slam dunk through a basketball hoop. Four orange lines appeared on the
viewscreen and wasted little time in slamming against the planet.
Little dustclouds could be seen coming up from the surface where
the cannon fire struck, instantly reminding Joel of Wile E. Coyote's demise
when he fell from the cliff time and again, and causing him to laugh out
loud.
"Shall I fire again?" Tom inquired.
"Yeah! In fact, I have some words I need you to carve for me...."
Within the next hour, the Earth now sported several deep crevices in
the form of sentences such as "Joel was born here!" in America. "Megane 6.7
was born here!" in Canada. "Cowards!" in France. "Butt-Monkeys!" in Iraq,
and even the Moon now sported the entire "On behalf of the Moon" speech
of Sailor Moon, along with mile-long nude sculptures of cute babes from
various animes, plastered all over the surface. Joel then asked Tom to write
"Welcome Home!" all over Japan.
"But why?" A confused Tom asked.
"Don't you remember the ending to Gunbuster: Aim for the Top"?
Well now, we're going to make it a reality! Right down to the backwards
*E*! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
As Tom began programming the lasers to do Joel's bidding, Crow
abandoned his post for a moment and tried to get Joel's attention. Not an
easy task, since Joel was currently drooling over an image of the Dominion
Puma Twins performing a explicit sex act nearby the Sea of Tranquillity....
"Joel?....Joel!...JOEL!!!" Crow roared impatiently.
"Huh? Oh, what is it!" Joel replied with annoyance. Can't you
see I'm trying to admire my latest masterpiece...."
"*MY* latest masterpiece, Joel." Tom interrupted. "You think em
up but I'm the only one who know how to program the cannons right to do it...."
"Yeah, whatever. Anyway, what is it, Crow?" Joel replied.
"I was just wondering how long we can get away with this before
Dr. Frank regains control of the weapons systems...." Crow began.
"No way!" Joel interrupted confidently. "Dr. Wide-Ass has as
much change of getting control back as...."
Suddenly the satellite shuddered again and the sound of the weapons
powering down could be heard. Joel looked around wildly, his eyes wide with
disbelief as Crow sighed and remarked.
"....as us getting down from this satellite?"
"Hey, look at that!" Tom suddenly exclaimed. "Joel and Crow
turned their attention back to the viewscreen and were stunned to see what
appeared to be a small golden cloud rising into orbit from Earth.
"G....Goku?" Joel stammered in disbelief.
The cloud continued its steep climb until it was practically nose to
nose with the Satellite of Hate. Then a beam of intense light shot out from
the cloud, blinding Joel and overloading the robots sensors for a few moments.
When the light faded, Dr. Frank was sitting down in the command chair, sporting
a FF7 *Cloud* hairdo, looking calm and at peace.
"Good morning, boys." Dr. Frank began.
"YOU!!!" Joel screamed a second before rushing towards the
chair to throttle him....
....only to pass right through him as he discovered too late that
the doctor was nothing more than a hologram. Dr. Frank's expression
remained impassive as ever as he continued.
"As you've no doubt surmised. I've taken steps to insure my
transmissions to you continue to get through until I've regained control
of communications of the satellite. I must say, I'm quite upset with you
boys for what you've done...."
"Yeah, well maybe if you hadn't trapped us here in the first place...."
Tom began.
"....but I'm willing to forgive you. After all, that's why I sent you
up there, to be molded into model pacifists like myself." Dr. Frank continued
without missing a beat. "Now, let's see your invention exchange for this week.
Come on now!"
Joel muttered something under his breath before reaching behind the
command chair to pull out what appeared to be a sun visor, one of those dorky
hats that card dealers wear to protect their supposedly ultra sensitive eyeballs
from the harsh glare of the casino lights.
"I invented this for the struggling ski-mask wearing youths of today who
need some spending money for the summer. It's a sun visor with a special, highly
reflective surface that catches the light of the sun and instantly blinds anyone
who even glances in your direction, not only giving you plenty of time to rob them,
but keeping the cops at bay."
"It also comes with a comfort strip on the inside so your forehead doesn't
burn." Tom added.
"How....creative." Dr. Frank replied with obvious disdain. "But what if your
victim is wearing sunglasses?"
Joel grinned. "Unless they want them to melt on their face, they'll take them
off pretty damn fast. Then, they're ripe for domination! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"What do you think, sir?" Tom asked.
"Dr. Frank shook his head sadly. "Boys, boys, boys....This is not what I'm
looking for at all. Your inventions should create, not destroy...."
"But history has taught us that it's always been easier to destroy than
create....I say, why argue with history?" Tom replied cheerfully.
* * *
CLOUD 9
"You're going to *BE* history if you keep insulting Dr. F like that!" T.V's
Forrester exclaimed angrily as he stormed towards the viewscreen, only to be
gently but firmly restrained by Dr. Frank, the other wagged his finger from side to side.
"Now, Forrester, remember what I told you about stooping to their level...."
"Sorry, Dr. F...It's just....sorry...." Forrester turned away from the doctor,
ashamed by his actions.
"I understand. Sometimes even *my* patience is tested by those three. But
the best offense in this case is no defense. They can't escape that satellite, no matter
how many times they temporarily take control of the weapons or communications.
There's no heat or energy shields and without them, they'll never be able to clear
the Earth's atmosphere without burning up first."
Dr. Frank turned back to the screen. "I think I can handle our invention
presentation this week, Forrester. Why don't you have a lie down and I'll bring
you some hot cider later. Okay?"
"Okay. Thanks, Stu." Forrester replied as he left the room. Dr. Frank
reactivated the audio pickup that he had killed when Forrester had thrown his
temper tantrum. "Sorry about that. Now, as for my invention exchange...."
Dr. Frank pushed a button on his chair. A flat projection screen was
slowly lowered behind him, stopping just above his head. "I presume you've
heard of the horror board games that use video segments such as the
*Nightmare* series and *Atmosfear: The Third Dimension*?
"Oh yeah. Soul Rangers rule." Crow replied sarcastically.
"Well...." Dr. Frank continued. "I decided that it would be interesting
to try and produce the same result with an *anime* theme. So, with Forrester's
help, I've managed to create a plethora of new video boardgames. I've got
titles like Sailor Moon III: Moonlight Night Tonight, Bubblegum Crisis X: Priss
Forever, Crash Never, Dragon Ball: Dot-Chan's Dilemma, Ah Megami Sama:
Goddesses Get All The Boys, No Need for Tenchi V: Pretty Sammy's Sweet
Sugary Seaside Seashore, Urusei Yatsura II: The Wrath of Henry J. Cobb,
Ranma 1/2 VI: Kasumi and Kodachi: Once and For All...."
"You wouldn't happen to have La Blue Girl in there, would ya?" Joel asked.
Dr. Frank frowned. "Not as such, Joel. As I was saying, these packages
would enable you to interact with your favorite anime character and with the DVD
version coming out soon after, each character will have no less than 20,000 unique
segments, allowing for the ultimate in replay value. Well, do you like it?" Dr. Frank
asked, leaning forward expectantly.
"Uh, one question, Dr. F...." Tom asked cautiously. "Are you using the
original Japanese voices for the characters....or the dubs?"
"Why, neither...." Frank replied.
"NEITHER?!?" Joel and the bots echo.
"Of course not! All the dialogue on the screen is displayed in text! I
can't afford to pay voice actors and actresses to produce 20,000 lines of dialogue per
character! It would take years!"
"D'OH!" The trio facefaulted.
* * *
SATELLITE OF HATE
"Are you all right?" Dr. Frank asked, concern in his voice.
"Just peachy...." Crow snapped as everyone rose to their feet.
"Splendid!" Dr. Forrester smiled and rubbed his holographic
hands together in anticipation. "Well boys, your experiment this week
was to have been Zen's dark masterpiece "The Bitter End" but unfortunately
your *Laser Across America* has temporarily shut down all internet
services...."
"Cool! Did we nuke AOL?" Joel inquired.
"Yes, it's been burned to ashes...." Dr. Frank replied somberly.
"WOO HOO!!!" Joel and the bots cheered.
"ANYWAY...." Dr. Frank continued, a bit more stern than he
would have liked. "I was fortunate enough to keep a backup story from
one of my favorite authors, who's sudden and mysterious disappearance
from the fanfiction world left many questions unanswered....
Joel and the bots good cheer immediately changed into looks of
sheer horror. "Y...You don't mean....*HER*....do you?" Crow asked, his
voice almost a whimper.
"Why yes! None other than Ichinohei Hitomi herself!" Dr. Frank
replied happily.
There was an extremely short pause as Joel and the bots wasted
little time shrieking in pure horror.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"Now, now, maintain low tones." Dr. Frank admonished the
hysterical trio. "Hitomi was a wonderful author and though some of
her fanfics were never finished, she made a significant impact on the
FFML and people talk well of her to this day. Exposing you three to
"Ranko's Life" can only improve your sour dispositions...."
"So would bringing us back home...." Joel muttered under his
breath.
"Well, I have to be going now! Enjoy the fanfic and be well!"
Dr. Frank said as his holographic image faded from the command chair.
Tom made a disgusted noise in his throat while Crow simply sighed.
"Maybe we should just charge into the Earth's atmosphere and
hope for the best?" Joel suggested sarcastically.
"It's starting to look promising...." Crow muttered.
"Trust me, guys. We wouldn't make it." Tom replied sadly.
"The satellite's just too big to....'
Suddenly alarms and sirens rang out.
"OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!" Crow cried out.
"Oh Happy Happy, Joy Joy." Tom replied sarcastically.
(Door 6: It's made of flowers. You smell them, make love, vow to somehow
stop war, then move on.)
(Door 5: It's a mirror. You play the mirror game with your image until
Harpo and Groucho Marx threaten you with a lawsuit.
(Door 4: It falls away from you, missing your foot completely.)
(Door 3: It's made of Scissors. You hurl rocks at it until you clear a path
through.)
(Door 2. It's guarded by the Black Knight. Fortunately his arms and legs
were cut off so he gives you little trouble as you walk by.)
(Door 1: It's permanently open due to rust.)
(Door .7: The camera pans upward where a small hatch falls to the floor.)
Joel walks into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow
following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom
from entering the theater on his own, Joel waited for Crow to pass by him
and then he placed Tom down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on Joel's left.
From: Hitomi Ichinohei <hitomi@terminal.autobahn.mb.ca>
Tom: I'm afraid the fanfic's condition is terminal. It'll have to be put to
sleep.
Crow: Autobahn? Did Tybalt get pissed off at her or what?
Joel: That would be Auto-Ban. Autobahn is like the German freeway. It
means that her modem can download data as fast as she wants it to.
"Forget it pop! You're not going to take me down today." said
the young man confidently
Tom: Dr. Frank sent us a Yaoi lemon?!?! What is he thinking!?!
Crow: Genma must be *REALLY* desperate after 10 years without
Nodoka....
Joel: (imitating Genma) You look grimy Ranma, you could use a cold
shower....
Crow: Joel....
as he countered an inside snake strike to his abdomen.
Tom: Not to be confused with the Snake Fighter's Fist, Snake in the
Eagle's Shadow or the Spitting Whitesnake Palm....
Joel: I always knew Genma was a snake....
"You've been using that variation too often for me to fall for
it."
Crow: How about a legsweep? Will he fall for that?
A handsome man in a dark, almost black gi answered him with a
smile,
Crow: Akuma?
Tom: Evil Ryu?
Joel: A smile makes a lousy explanation....
Tom: Maybe he's related to Nuku-Nuku....
"Son, you've got to start thinking of various possibilities instead
of only a small number of circumstances. As the sole heir to the
Musabetsu Kakutou Ryu, you have to be ready for anything."
Joel: Yeah, like getting pregnant by Kunou, stuck permanently as a
girl, being turned a vampire, enduring the ego of a self-inserted author,
slowly becoming a Surreal Genius or whatever other bizarre ideas these
fanfic writers come up with....
Crow: Hence the name: Anything-Goes Martial Arts!
Tendo Soun then reached in again with the snake strike, but with a
small nerve variation
Crow: What nerve!
that allowed him to grab his son's gi between his
thumb and forefinger,
Tom: (imitating Soun) Nice material....Gortex?
Joel: Soun is Ranma's son in this story? Didn't Megane 6.7 explore
that possibility once in "Top Ten Rejected Lemon Plots"?
Crow: Yeah and he accidentally blew the climax for someone's fanfic....
Joel: Oh yeah....heh....sorry....
allowing him to pull his son slightly off balance for a quick inside strike
to the underarm for the take down.
Tom: Should have worn his deodorant....
"Kaneda, you may be the best martial artist of your generation, but you are
still too damn overconfident.
Joel: (singing) Talkin bout my generation....
Remember that each variation can have a thousand different endings."
Crow: And those thousand endings can lead to sequels, then trilogies and
finally spawning many a spin-off that never truly captures the flavor of the
original....
Tom: Humph! I happen to *like* Deep Space Nine and Voyager, thank
you very much....
Groaning from where he was on the tatami,
Crow: Matt?
Tendo Kaneda, sole heir to probably the greatest school of the martial arts
replied, "OK pop. Point well taken."
Tom: Kaneda, eh? Beauty!
Joel: The point well taken is the theory seldom explored.
Crow: Wow! That's cool! Where did you come up with that?
Joel: I drank a ton of caffeine and stayed up all night.
Tom: Ah....so that's how it's done!
Soun smiled as he thought of all that he had put his son through.
Tom: The glass window, the wall, college, hell....
Joel: Same difference....
While it was difficult initially, Kaneda had surpassed all expectations
and had become a great martial artist. The only problem he had was the
tremendous ego.
Crow: Funny. I always thought those two things went hand in hand.
Tom: Soun's tremendous ego had always been a problem for the humble
Kaneda....
Hopefully, there would be someone who would undermine his
son's overconfidence before it became a deadly weakness.
Joel: Thus breaking his spirit and causing him to never hit someone in
anger again....
Crow: Bah! Cry me a bloody river ...
"Father, you have a phone call." came a female voice from the dojo
entrance.
Joel: The calls are coming from inside the dojo!
Tom: (imitating Soun) And since when did I become YOUR father?
Crow: You think she supplied the voice for his AOL e-mail too?
Soun looked up, "Thank you Kasumi-chan. I'll be right there."
Looking at his son, he said, "Practice the seventeenth Kata for
the next hour."
Crow: (imitating Kaneda) Aw....do I Kata?
Tom: Zing!
Joel: No! Not the seventeenth! Please! Anything but the seventeenth!!
Crow: What's wrong with the seventeenth?
Joel: I'm still stuck on the sweet sixteenth!
Tom: (Groans)
Kaneda groaned as he thought of the seventy five moves in that
Kata.
Tom: (singing) Seventy five snake strikes lead the big parade....with a
hundred and ten low blows right behind....
Joel: (imitating Kaneda) Now how did it go....I put my right foot in...no,
the left foot! Okay, left foot in....left foot out....right foot in....shake it
all about....
Soun picked up the receiver. "Moshi, moshi. Tendo Soun."
All: (starts breathing heavily)
The voice answered, "Moshi, moshi Tendo-san. This is Saotome
Nodoka, and it is time."
Tom: ....to make the doughnuts, you bastard!
Joel: About damn time....
Crow: We will sell no martial artist before its time!
Soun's eyebrows raised.
Tom: Most illogical, Nodoka.
"You mean you are bringing her by today?"
Crow: (imitating Nodoka) Yep and tomorrow we might actually enter
your house....
Nodoka answered, "Yes, it is time for old promises to be fulfilled."
Crow: I promise a chicken in every pot!
Joel: And I carry a BIG stick!
Tom: What the heck does that mean anyway?
Joel: Got me. Saw it in a Bugs Bunny/Yosemite Sam Cartoon....
Soun smiled, but he answered in a neutral voice,
Tom: (imitating Soun) Bite me.
"Nodoka-chan, the agreement was between Genma and myself in order to
continue the school. Are you sure you want to subject your daughter to
this, especially since you have told me she doesn't really know much
about the martial arts?"
Joel: (imitating Nodoka) Actually, it's the *MARITAL* arts that I'm
interested in educating my daughter about....
Crow: Joel....
Nodoka's voice replied, "Yes. It was my husband's wish that our
families be united in fact as well as in feeling."
Joel: (imitating Nodoka) So strip off that gi and join me in the bedroom!
Crow: Joel!
Soun nodded to himself, "I understand, and his wishes shall be
honoured. May I suggest something more however.
Joel: (imitating Soun) You, me and Ms. Hinako in a threesome!
Crow: JOEL....
No matter what happens, will your daughter and yourself move into our
home? I have always felt bad that you would not accept our proposition
before, and I know it must be hard on you and Ranko.
Tom: (snickers) This is almost too easy....
Joel: (imitating Soun) But since Ranko's reached the age of consent....
Crow: JOEL!!!
Joel: (heh heh heh....)
Since we are now uniting the families, I must insist you accept this."
Joel: (imitating Soun) If you insist....
Tom: (imitating Nodoka) And this long sharp pointy thing I'm pressing
against your throat insists as well....
The woman on the other side of the phone said, "I will accept
Tendo-san.
Crow: (imitating Nodoka) Hey butt out, hussy! I saw him first!
Tom: (imitating Soun) Uh....that's very generous of you, Kasumi....but it
just wouldn't be proper....
Joel: (imitating Kasumi) Oh my!....Oh yes.....Make me a real woman, father....
(Without warning, Crow rips off one of his arms and smacks Joel over the
head with it.)
Joel: Oww! Hey, that hurt!
Crow: Bite me! Now behave yourself!
We will close the house here and after my daughter and
myself move in, we will arrange to rent it out to provide income."
Crow: (imitating Nodoka) We've already received a generous offer from
an American television studio. Apparently they want to film a series about
seven ordinary teenagers living together in a surreal world....
The man looked sad, "As you wish Nodoka-chan, but that is
unnecessary. We are family."
All: (singing) We are fam-i-ly...
Nodoka's voice became firm, "I insist on this.
Joel: (imitating Soun) Okay! Okay! Give the katana a rest already!
The children will need some form of income until they can marry and
take over the school. We will arrive this afternoon."
Tom: Strictly bringing her by, mind you. You can wave to her from the
doorway....
Soun hung up the phone after the good byes and went to the dining
room table to remember his old friend and training partner.
Tom: (imitating Soun) This table and I have been through a lot together....
Crow: There were several chunks missing from the table as Soun occasionally
had to burn parts of his old friend on to stay warm on those winter training
trips....
Joel: How heartwarming....
A brother that had died almost ten years before.
Tom: He ain't heavy....he's dead weight!
Crow: After ten years? Not likely....
Joel: Eww....
"I wish that your wife would have accepted our offer, old friend. It
would have made life easier on her as well as providing a burden of
relief for me.
Crow: When is a burden not a burden? When it's a burden of....relief?
Tom: What's next? A nervous breakdown of relaxation?
Joel: How about a drink of sobriety?
I have worried about both her and your daughter since you passed on to
the next life."
Ranko's Life:
Tom: My god! You mean Ranko is....is....GENMA REINCARNATED?!?!?
Joel: There's a paradox for ya....
Chapter One:
Who is This Girl...???
Crow: Felicia?
Joel: No, she's *That Girl*.
Tom: I wish this were an Oscar-fic. I love his twisted mind!
Crow: Tom, I know we're in an alternate universe and all, but you can't
be serious....
Tom: Okay, I lied! We can't stomach Oscar's fics either!
A fan fiction based on Takahashi Rumiko's Manga series, Ranma 1/2
Joel: So the anime version is completely shunned?
Crow: So much for Sasuke....
Tom: Hey, that's a catchy title....
Saotome Ranma, Saotome Genma, Saotome Nodoka, Saotome Ranko,
Tom: ....Saotome Darryl, Saotome Darryl, Saotome Larry, Saotome Curly,
Saotome Moe....
Crow: Saotome Billy Jo Bob's smarter brother!
Tendo Soun, Tendo Kasumi, Tendo Nabiki,
Tom: *The Three Tendos: Live in Concert!* Now available on
video, CD and DVD!
Crow: Order now and receive a special bonus CD featuring the collected
poetic works of Kunou Tatewaki, narrated by Kunou Tatewaki, and featuring
a foreword by Kunou Tatewaki himself!
Joel: Order whenever, supply is endless....
Kuonji Ukyou, Kuno Tatewaki, and Tofu Ono Sensei are copyright 1987,
1997 by Takahashi Rumiko.
Joel: It's not every fic you see Akane snubbed and Dr. Tofu a featured
player....
Crow: He'll probably have a bit part....as usual.
Tom: It's the Dr. Tofu Conspiracy, I tells ya!
Tendo Kaneda are copyright 1997 by unknown
Crow: You mean there's more than one Tendo Kaneda?
Joel: "unknown" owns the rights to Megane 6.7, too.
Tom: If the copyright holder is unknown, how can he sue?
Publishing rights:
Crow: Aw, man....As if the FFML hasn't already dragged this out
enough....
Japan: Shogakukan Inc. Tokyo
Hong Kong: Jademan (Holdings) Ltd.
North America: Viz Inc.
All: (singing) God Bless America....
By Ichinohei Hitomi
Crow: Bye, Hitomi! Don't forget to writ....oops, sorry....
Tom: Considering this was her *last* fanfic, this is really cryptic....
While things had never really been better in the Tendo household,
Joel: Translation: Akane wasn't there to cook anything....
Soun knew that some hard times were coming, especially given his son's
rather outspoken tendencies. The boy was quite adamant about not marrying
until he found a girl who shared his love for the Arts, especially given
the type of life he wanted to lead.
Crow: Namely, that of a painter and sculptor.
Tom: Well, they do say art imitates life....
Crow: Maybe he wants to go into Theater?
Joel: Oh great, just what we need....another Shakespeare wannabe like
Kunou....
Kaneda's reaction upon finding out that he was engaged, especially to a very
traditional Japanese girl, was going to be the beginning of another war
between father and son.
Tom: Not to mention random shouting of the word *TOGGG!!!*
Joel: Hasn't Nabiki had previous experience with *War*.....
Crow: Shhhh! We're the Satellite of Hate, remember?! We're not supposed
to know about those things!
Joel: It's a fanfic, Crow. You should really just relax....
If only Kaneda was as well behaved as the girls. Sighing, Soun realized
that he had only himself to blame in this, having filled the boy's head
with tales of past glories since he could walk,
Tom: (imitating Soun) It was a noble quest, Son. A Quest for Glory! A
Hero's Quest! I had to endure Trials by Fire, the Wages of War, even the
Shadows of Darkness!
Joel: (imitating Soun) I also worked for Happosai in the Thieves' Guild
for a while....uh....actually, I'd rather not talk about that....
and teaching him everything he could about the Arts in such a way that
the boy would love it.
Joel: So he made him watch a program called *Who's Line is it Anyway?*
Crow: (imitating Soun) It's called Freeze Improv, Son! Give it a try!
Unfortunately, the girls Kaneda had met of his generation had viewed the
Art as a simple sport or exercise, unlike the serious bent the family school
followed.
Tom: (Imitating Kaneda) Seriously, get bent!
*Perhaps I should not have told him of his Samurai ancestors.
Tom: Maybe he *IS* related to Kunou?
Crow: Maybe he's referring to the ancestors from *Fighting Ranma: The
Serious Anime - The Story of the Cursed Ninja Warrior* by Gretton.
Joel: You've been hanging around RAAC too long, Crow....
Crow: Bite me.
He is too filled with dreams of pride and glory to be satisfied with an
ordinary girl.*
Crow: Guess that rules out Shori....
Tom: Like Father, like son....
He would need his daughters help to keep his son from
exploding when told of the situation.
Joel: Kaneda has an explosive personality....
Tom: Lucky for him Nabiki trained with the police bomb squad.
Soun started to shout, "Oi! Oi! Kasumi! Nabiki!"
All: Oy vey....
Not getting an immediate response, he went to look for them,
stepping first into the kitchen that was his eldest daughter's domain.
"Kasumi!" he said.
Tom: (imitating Kasumi) Who DARES enter my domain?
Kasumi looked up from the melon she was carving for an afternoon
snack
All: *shing* *shing* *shing*....
and gazed over to her father, "Yes father?"
Joel: Hey, whatever happened to commas?
Crow: Commas Joel?
Joel: Yes, commas, Crow!
"We will be receiving guests this afternoon, and I will need help
in keeping your brother calm.
Crow: Prepare ten ccs of morphine!
Tom: (imitating Kasumi) In other words, have him imitate me?
Joel: (imitating Kasumi) No problem. I just need a pair of handcuffs, a
length of rope, some massage oil and about three hours of privacy. When
I'm finished with him, he'll be as calm as a....
Crow: Joel....
I was wondering if you could make one of his favorite meals for
lunch."
Joel: Spam again?!?!
Kasumi looked at her father, knowing the sometimes disruptive
attitude her younger brother had.
Tom: Okay, Kaneda's a troublemaker! We get it already! Wasn't "show,
don't tell" one of the basic rules of good writing?
"I take it you're going to be giving him some bad news?"
Soun grimaced a bit, "It depends upon what you mean by bad news,
daughter.
Crow: Uh....I think she means unfavorable, unpleasant, the exact opposite
of good news....
All I will say until I inform all of you of the situation is
that it is a matter of family honour."
Joel: (imitating Kasumi) Oy vey....Here we go again....
Tom: Shouldn't that be *Oh my!*?
The eldest Tendo sibling narrowed her eyes, "I take it that
whatever this concerns, he might not be willing to go along with it?"
Tom: Well, Duh.
Crow: Did Hitomi kidnap the *Jeff Rutsch* Kasumi or what?
Soun sighed, "I'm afraid so. Unfortunately, he is the only one
who is qualified to fulfill this vow."
Joel: (imitating Soun) Unless of course, Nodoka and I do the nasty....
Crow: Joel....
Kasumi nodded to her father. "I understand."
Tom: (imitating Kasumi) I don't agree with it and I think you're loony
to try it, but I understand....
Rolling his shoulders a bit, he left the kitchen and headed up
towards his other daughter's bedroom. *At least Kasumi will be willing
to help, and with Ranko-chan here, she'll be able to get some relief from
staying home all day long.
Joel: (imitating Kasumi) So long Cutie-Rod! Hello Girl-Toy!
Crow: Joel!
Perhaps she'll finally go back to school and become the doctor she always
wanted to be.*
Tom: A proctologist!
Joel: (imitating Kasumi) Oh my! That's certainly a big ass you have there....
Crow: (sighs)
Soun found Nabiki going over her computer records and keeping
track of the family's investments. He had been surprised at first, but
his middle child had truly found her calling in computers and finance,
being able to track ideas and possible investments to successful ends.
Tom: Yeah, for Nabiki....
Crow: (imitating Nabiki) If only I had a sister that could summon mallets
at will. I could make a small fortune selling them to hardware stores....
While she wasn't always successful, her profits definitely outweighed her
losses.
Joel: (imitating Nabiki) It's my special no-risk savings plan. You give me
your money and I won't sell photos of you and a random superimposed
student, making out in the bathroom stall. And for a little extra, I'll let
*YOU* decide whom I blackmail next time I need fast cash....
"Nabiki. I need to ask you if you could help me with something."
Nabiki looked up at her father from where she was typing, "What is
it father?"
Crow: It's a paragraph with a bunch of punctuation errors. But that's not
important right now....
Tom: Reaching for that one, huh Crow?
Crow: Bite me.
Smiling a bit, he replied, "The wife of an old friend, Saotome
Genma, is coming here with her daughter. Since she died, I've always been
worried about them,
Tom: I'd be worried too if a corpse were coming here with her daughter....
especially since Nodoka never wanted to accept any help from us.
Joel: (imitating Nodoka) I'm only mostly dead!
Crow: (imitating Nodoka) I'm getting better!
I was wondering if you could come up with a financial plan,
especially since I've invited them to live here."
Crow (imitating Nabiki): Oh, all right. Here's the plan. Just have them
give all their money to me.
Nabiki narrowed her eyes,
Joel: Hey, she's the second one who did that.
Tom: Well, they *are* Asians.
Crow: I believe the term is "Easterners", since "Asian" can refer to anyone
on the Asian continent including India, the former Soviet Union, China ...
Tom: Get bent.
"Daughter, eh?
Crow: Nabiki's from Canada, eh?
Tom: No, she's from Kaneda....
Joel: She's a Kanedian!
I take it you've engaged her to Kaneda and he doesn't know about it as
of yet." Soun coughed a bit,
Tom: (imitating Nabiki) Need some Vicks, Daddy? I can sell you some
for a reasonable fee....
"Ah...Now that you mention it, yes, that is the case. May I ask how you
figured it out this time?"
Joel: (imitating Nabiki) Duh! I read the FFML summary list entry for this
story, Daddy!
Nabiki smiled. It was an old game her father had played with her
in order to keep her from falling apart after her mother had died.
Joel: I don't get it. What game are they talking about?
Tom: Knowing Nabiki? Probably Monopoly....
Crow: Natch.
It wasn't needed now, but old habits died hard on both sides. Besides,
it was a comfortable sort of intimacy that her brother and sister didn't
share with their father.
(Crow pulls a jumbo bazooka out of thin air and aims it at Joel)
Crow: Make my day, Joel....Try me....I *DARE* you....
Joel: *gulp*
Kasumi was the future medic, Kaneda was the Martial Artist,
Tom: And together they're the wacky duo known as *Tendo and Crash*!
Crow: If it were Nabiki, it would be *Tendo and Cash*...."
Joel: Cute, Crow....
but she had always been pegged by her father as the innovative one.
Joel: (imitating Soun) Anyone who cooks and cleans as well as Kasumi
has to be innovative, right?
"Easy father. You said he was an old friend, that you
worried about his wife and daughter, and that they were now going to be
living here. If it was simply a matter of lending them room for a while,
or making sure they were safe, you would not have asked for me to help
with a financial plan."
Joel: That should be "If it were." It's a hypothetical.
Tom: Nabiki really doesn't sound like herself here.
Her eyes suddenly twinkled,
Crow: She's being possessed by Azusa!
Tom: Either that or she's thinking about money again....
"Besides, the only time you talk about finances these days is when it has
something to do that will make Kaneda mad, like how you had me
'convince' him not to get a motorcycle."
Joel: Soun! Your own daughter? How could you?!?!
Crow: Joel....
Tom: Fortunately, Nabiki was well trained to *handle* the situation. She
used her special *body language* and really *blew* him away and then she
*stroked* his ego to smooth things over afterwards....
(Crow points the bazooka at Tom and he quickly zips back in his seat.)
Soun coughed again,
Tom: (imitating Nabiki) No really, you want some lemon cough drops or not?
"Well, he is a little bit reckless." Nabiki laughed, "Do you want to talk
about everything? It'll make you feel better, and allow you to get ready
for little brother's rather direct way of overcoming objections."
Crow: Rupture lungs first, ask questions before he dies....
Soun laughed as well and started to talk about Genma, Nodoka, and
Ranko.
Joel: ....Behind their backs.
***
Crow: Password!
Joel: (imitating Yuen Biao) The stars are out tonight....
Tom: (imitating Sammo Hung) No! It's *Beat me up!*
Crow: 50 points if you can guess which Jackie Chan film this is from....
Joel: Keep in mind, this is from the dubbed version....
Ranko sighed to herself as she packed up the last of her skirts,
dresses, and uniforms that she was going to be taking with her to her new
home.
Tom: (imitating Ranko) Now where did I put that stupid power stick? I
know I left it here somewhere....
Joel: (imitating Ranko) Hmmm....I'd better leave the latex, leather and
rubber outfits here until I settle in.
Crow: Joel....
She looked around her room for what might be the last time,
especially since she was about to meet her husband.
Joel: (imitating Kaneda) BWAHAHAHAHA!!! YOU'LL NEVER
SEE YOUR ROOM AGAIN NOW THAT YOU'VE MARRIED ME!!!
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Although Ranko had known she was going to be married to one of the
sons of Tendo Soun, a man she had never met,
Tom: Although she had never met Soun, Ranko was *quite* familiar with
his sons....
she was still a little apprehensive at the thought. Honour was everything
however, and Saotome Ranko was a child of honour.
Crow: *Honor* however, was completely meaningless to her.
She went to her shelf and took down a couple of her favourite
stuffed toys and hugged them to her.
Joel: (imitating Ranko) I love my inflatable Urd and Nuku-Nuku!
"Well guys, I suppose this day had to come. Mother's been preparing
me for this ever since I was a little girl, and now I'm about to meet the
man I'm supposed to marry. I just hope he's kind and understanding,
especially since I don't know that many boys."
Tom: *Girls* on the other hand....
Crow: Tom....
Nodoka chose that moment to look in on her daughter, the bright
spot of her life since her husband's death almost ten years before,
and smiled.
Crow: Woah! P.O.V. change! Slow down a bit!
Tom: You'd think this fanfic had the whirl-wind photography of Branaugh's
Hamlet.
Joel: Yeah, both make you want to hurl.
Crow: You have no class, do you?
Joel: Bite me.
*She's still so innocent in so many ways. Genma, I know that we have
to honour the agreement between our family and the Tendo's but I also
don't want her to lose that innocence when she grows up to be a
young woman instead of my little girl.
Joel: Between their family and the Tendo's *what*?
Crow: The Tendo's lawyer?
Joel: Oh.
In a way, I wish this day had never arrived.*
Crow: That's easy. Just hold the wedding in Punxsutawney, P.A on
Groundhog Day....
Ranko opened her eyes, a small smile on her face, and turned to
put her dolls into one of the cases. "Don't think I'm going to leave you
two behind. I'll need someone to talk to in a house full of boys."
Tom: She can't talk to the boys?
Crow: The boys aren't back in town....
Tom: Let's bring the boys and girls back home!
Joel: (singing) Let's here it for the boys....
Nodoka walked into the room, "It will be all right Ranko-chan.
We're going to be moving in with them this afternoon, and then we'll get
everything packed up and moved over to your new room."
Ranko looked up from her packing, "You mean you're moving in with
me mother?"
Crow (imitating Nodoka): I AM your mother! And don't you go Cockney
on me, young lady!
Nodoka's smile widened at that, "Of course I am.
Crow: Heh heh heh....You ever see the movie *Hush?*
After all, you still have to finish school before you're married, and I
don't think you really want to be all alone in a house full of men."
Tom: What's she got against men, anyway?
Joel: Maybe she's a lesbian?
Crow: Joel....
Joel: Hey, it's possible!
Ranko hugged her mother, glad that she understood her fear. It
wasn't that she didn't like men, but having gone to an all girls school
she was unused to mixing in with boys on a social basis.
Joel: *Physical* basis, on the other hand....
Crow: Joel....
The idea of being around a man in a social situation was scary enough,
but suppose he learned her secret!
Crow: "Ranko's Little Secret."
Tom: Strong enough for a man, but made for his female alter-ego.
"Mother, are you sure we shouldn't tell them everything that's happened?"
Joel: (imitating Nodoka) I know it's hard, Ranko...but you have to forget
about him. Oscar simply wasn't the right man for you....
Nodoka hugged her daughter to give her confidence, "I'm sure, my
child. If they find out, then so be it, but until they know you, I do not
think it would be wise."
Tom: Wise choice.
Crow: Wiseguy....
***
Tom: Starlight, Starbright....
Crow: First Star we see Tonight....
Joel: We wish we may, We wish we might....
All: GET DOWN FROM THIS DAMN SATELLITE!!!
Tom: Whew, fun....
There was a slight rumble of thunder and rain began falling
lightly over the Nerima district when a shout could be heard coming from
the Tendo Dojo.
All: (singing) Shout! Shout! Let it all out....
Joel: That was for you, Terrence!
"ARE YOU NUTS POP!!! WHO THE HELL SAID I WANTED A
FIANCEE?!?"
All: (imitating Kaneda singing) Fiancees I can do without....
Yes, a normal day at this particular residence.
Crow: Hitomi paid Ryoucilo for his story?
Joel: Cute, Crow....
Tendo Soun, owner and master of the Tendo Dojo, sighed again as he
looked over at his son. "This has nothing to do with wanting a fiancee
son, it has to do with the honour of our families.
Joel: Geez, here we go with the boring lectures about honor....
Crow: The law is the word, and the word is the law!
Tom: Yeah, yeah, honor is good, honor is great, get on with it, already!
My old training partner, Saotome Genma, and I decided to unite our
families before you were born. To unite those families, it was decided
that our children would marry and carry on the Art.
Crow: The art of Origami!
Tom: Anything-Goes Origami....I could see that.
Unfortunately, Genma died before he could have more than one child,
Joel: (imitating Nelson) Ha ha!
Crow: And the world breathed a sigh of relief....
his daughter, Saotome Ranko."
Tom: Okay, for everyone playing the Ranma 1/2 Drinking Game, it's time
to belly up to the bar....
Kaneda was about to raise a rather loud objection,
Tom: With his butt?
Crow: Tom....
Joel: Give him the raspberry!
which was to be concluded with his throwing his idiot of a father
out of the door and into the rain when he caught Kasumi's frown.
Joel: (imitating Kasumi) You're supposed to be relaxed! Don't make
me lose face in front of my father!
Crow: Isn't that a little rough for Kasumi?
Tom: Not if this is the *Jeff Rutsch* Kasumi....
Gritting his teeth, he kept his voice down and his body from reacting as
he said in a very low growl,
Crow: (imitating Kaneda) THEY'LL PAY....THEY'LL ALL PAY....
"You could have told me about this sooner, such as a couple of years ago.
Joel: (imitating Kaneda) Yeah, I could have dealt with this a lot better in
my early teens....
At least given me time to get used to the idea. But no....My father, the
master of Musabetsu Kakutou, decides to forgo the niceties of letting me
be prepared for having a wife.
Tom: (imitating Soun) Uh, Kaneda....Does the term *Anything-Goes* ring
a bell?
Well, since I have no _choice_ in the matter, you had better tell me all you
know about her."
Crow: Wow, he's taking it a lot better than Ranma did.
Tom: Kasumi really did a good job of calming him down.
Joel: (imitating Soun) That's my girl!
Soun gulped a bit, this would be the tricky part.
Crow: (imitating Bullwinkle) Nothin' up my sleeve....Presto!
"Well, as I said, she is the daughter of Saotome Genma and Saotome
Nodoka. From what I've been told, she is a very nice and polite young
lady who has been trained in all the traditional duties.
All: (singing) TRADITION!!!....TRADITION!!!
She is accomplished in the tea ceremony, has been taught how to prepare most
foods and dishes..."
Kaneda slammed his hand down on the table. Hard.
All: TOGGG!!!
"Father....That is all fine and good, but how about some information.
Tom: (imitating Kaneda) Give me her measurements, dammit!
Such as how old is she? Have you ever met her?
Crow: Does she own a mallet?
Tom: Can she cook something that won't collapse an eco-system?
Joel: Does she spit or swallow?
Crow: JOEL....
What is her personality like? Does she like martial arts?
Crow: Is she known for her work in the theater?
Tom: What's her sign?
Joel: Can she....
(Crow begins powering up the bazooka to it's maximum setting.)
Joel: ....arrange flowers?
That sort of stuff."
Crow: (imitating Humphrey Bogart) The stuff dreams are made of....
Nabiki started to grin a little, enjoying the spectacle of her
little brother getting the better of their father. It was rare, but when
it happened the situations were classic. It was especially funny when you
considered that Kaneda was a cross between modern and feudal Japan.
Tom: Man, Kaneda is an entire cultural time period!
Soun cleared his throat.
Crow: Mr. Tendo should really start taking care of that cough, soon....
"To answer your questions in order:
Joel: (imitating Mr. Tendo) None of your business, None of your business,
None of your business, Bite me.
I do not know, I have never met her, all I know of her is what her mother
has told me, and she has not been trained in the arts."
Tom: Oh, you're a big help! No wonder everyone pays Nabiki for
information around here....
Kaneda's face started to get red.
Crow: Hey, he's doing an impression of Lunari!
Joel: Apple cheeks!
Not only had his father engaged him to a very traditional girl from the
sounds of it, but he didn't know the first thing about her! *Damn
him! I already told him I didn't want to get married to a traditional
girl!*
Tom: He wanted a Material Girl.
Joel: Or at least a Barbie Girl....
Crow: (imitating Kaneda) No! I always wanted....TO MARRY A
LUMBERJACK!
Just before he could explode,
Joel: Nabiki defused him.
a voice was heard to call from the walkway. "Moshi, moshi! Is anyone
at home?"
Crow: (imitating voice) I'm selling these fine leather jackets....
Soun got up, "That will be Nodoka and Ranko-chan. I want you on
your best behaviour Kaneda."
Tom: (imitating Soun) Or I'll sick Kasumi on you!
Growling under his breath, Kaneda followed his father and sisters
out front to greet their guests. *If he thinks for one minute that I'm
gonna agree to this marriage, he's got a screw loose. I ain't marrying
anyone but another martial artist.*
Crow: (imitating Kaneda) One that I can defeat easily and never worry
about reaching my skill level....but a martial artist, none the less!
Joel: If Kaneda's supposed to be so overconfident, why does he feel he
needs a wife that can fight?
Tom: I dunno. Maybe he doesn't want to be bothered protecting her....even
though he'll still end up rescuing her if Ranko follows Akane's legacy of being
kidnapped by every marital artist that comes along....
When he got to the front door and managed to look out, he saw two
people there with a cab behind them.
Crow: Gary Busey and Mr. T in a rare cameo appearance!
One, a beautiful woman in a formal kimono and obi
Tom: (imitating Leia) Help me Obi Wan....Help me Obi Wan....
holding an umbrella over herself and the young girl beside
her. Unintentionally, his eyes wandered over to the girl
Joel: Then, they wandered *over* the girl's assets....
Crow: Joel....
and the first thing he noticed was how cute her face was. Long black hair
with a reddish tinge, perfect complexion, not much makeup, and a very nice figure
which was shown perfectly by the conservative, yet flowing dress that she
wore.
Tom: Could somebody send out for some verbs, please?
Kaneda quickly shook his head. *What the hell am I thinking
about? This girl is probably the fiancee pop arranged for me, and she
doesn't look as though she would be able to fight her way out of a sack.
Joel: And that's a bad thing?
Crow: Joel....
Definitely not someone I could take on the road with me while I look for
exciting adventures.*
Joel: (imitating Kaneda) Not like the *Bogus Journeys* I had with Bill
and Ted....
Soun came forward and bowed. "Welcome Nodoka-chan. It's been a
long time since we last saw each other."
Crow: (Imitating Kaneda): YOU welcome her, Pop! I'm bitter....
Nodoka and her daughter bowed perfectly in greeting. "Hello
Tendo-san. It has been a very long time, and we have much to discuss."
Tom: (imitating Nodoka) I'll cut right to the chase. Is Kaneda manly? No?
SEPPUKU TIME!!!
Soun gestured, "While my son, Kaneda gets your luggage, let us go
inside where my daughters and I can talk with you over some tea."
Kaneda turned to his father, fuming at the old man for having made
_HIM_ the one who was the baggage carrier for a girl he didn't even want
to get to know.
Tom: Bad enough he has to do this everyday at the local supermarket....
Crow: (imitating Kaneda) I've got enough emotional baggage as it is!
Joel: Just do what Liu Kang did and find the nearest dock.....
If it wasn't for their guests, he would have expressed himself as he usually
did; by hitting the offending object a good five to ten metres away.
Joel: What a wuss! Even Tsubasa could kick a person farther than that....
So he missed the wide-eyed, surprised look that Ranko had and the
quick pull she did on her mother's Kimono.
Crow: (imitating Ranko) Psst! Mom, I have to pee really bad.....
He also missed the quick and hurried, yet quiet, conversation that Ranko
had with her.
Tom: Quick AND hurried?
Crow: Must've been pretty quick.
Joel: And hurried.
Tom: Yet quiet.
As far as Kaneda was concerned, the sooner that he got this...this weight
away from around his neck, the better.
Crow: (imitating John Cleese) ALBATROSS!
Kasumi and Nabiki noticed this however,
Joel: (Imitating Kasumi) Oh my, Father, there seems to be a "however" here!
and also noticed how she blushed and tended to stick close to her mother.
Apparently Ranko was not only a very well brought up young lady, but a
somewhat nervous and shy one as well.
Tom: Okay, okay! She's demure. Point made....and beaten to death.
Crow: Either Hitomi considers her readers to be total idiots or she's
desperately trying to convince *herself* that Ranko is demure....
Joel: When in doubt, repeat. When in doubt, repeat. When in doubt,
repeat....
Both of their instincts screamed at them to protect her at much
as possible.
Tom: And which instincts would those be?
Crow: Maternal? Basic? Fatal?
Joel: Animal?
Nabiki's instincts also said that she could have a lot of fun,
especially pestering and deflating her stuck up younger brother.
Joel: She's withholding oral sex from him?
Crow: Joel, I'm warning you....
Nodoka spoke up, "Ranko, while we talk, you will hold the umbrella
for Kaneda-kun. He should not get wet for being gentlemanly enough to
help us with our luggage."
Joel: *Ranko*, on the other hand....
(Crow immediately brings up the bazooka and fires a shot at Joel, who
just barely manages to dodge the deadly blast. He quickly pipes down
afterwards.)
Ranko's eyes quickly glanced at Kaneda, who had already walked
over to the taxi, and she blushed. He was definitely cute, and a lot of
her girlfriends would go for a guy like this in a minute,
Joel: (Imitating Ranko) Cheap Hussies....
but she still couldn't really feel much for him. *Well, as mother said,
give it time and I'll eventually learn to love him.*
Tom: (imitating Ranko) But until then, I know that My Heart Will Go
On. It's hard to Say Good-bye to Yesterday but I have A Song For Mama
to cheer me up for a while....
Nabiki grinned as she noticed the girls expression as she rushed
to Kaneda with the Umbrella. Ranko was shy, nervous, and definitely
without much experience around men.
Tom: ARRRRRRRGHHHH!!! ENOUGH ALREADY!!!
Joel: Geez, Hitomi, why not say it *one* more time? There might be a tiny
portion of my brain that still doesn't realize Ranko is demure....
Crow: Talk about overkill....
She was exactly what he needed to deflate that overly large ego of his, or
at least bring it down to size.
Tom: Uh, how exactly?
Crow: XXL?
Nodoka smiled as she looked at her daughter, "Let us go inside,
and allow them to get to know each other."
Tom: In the Biblical sense?
Joel: Heh heh heh....
Soun chuckled a bit at that as he looked at Kaneda, manfully
trying to carry all the luggage at once next to the frail young girl
blushing and trying to hold the umbrella over both of them.
All: BECAUSE YOU SEE....SHE'S DEMURE!!! SHE'S SHY!!!
SHE'S NOT USED TO HANGING AROUND MEN!!! DON'T
ALLOW YOURSELF TO FORGET THIS CRUCIAL BIT OF
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!
***
All: (Hum the theme to *The Last Starfighter* Feel free to join in.)
Kaneda kept his mouth shut.
Crow: (imitating Kaneda) Mmmp nmmnmg! Rmmk nmnmnbm!
Tom: Classic!
He knew that he had taken on too much at once,
Tom: Next time maybe he'll won't wolf down his food....
but he was damned if he was going to let himself be humiliated in front
of this girl. Ranko had politely tried to tell him that he was trying to lift
too much at once,
Joel: Yeah, we don't ask for directions when we drive, we don't give up
when trying to fix something beyond our knowledge and we'll make
complete fools out of ourselves before we admit defeat.
Crow: It's called male pride and we're damn proud of it!
and had asked him if it wouldn't be better if they made three or four trips
instead like she and her mother had, as if he wasn't able to handle
something correctly.
Tom: Ranko's well on her way to becoming a first class suck up....
Crow: Oh yeah, this'll bring down Kaneda's ego all right....
And to top it off, she was so damn shy, her voice quiet, her face usually
down and blushing,
Crow: MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!
Joel: I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT
ANYMORE!!!
Tom: Uh oh! THAR SHE BLOWS!!!
(Without warning, Tom quickly levitates out of his seat and his head
explodes with a flash of pyrotechnics and a shower of sparks. Immediately
afterwards, his body drops to the floor like a anvil. Crow immediately gets
out of his chair and rushes over to him while Joel is still babbling at the
screen.
Crow: Tom! Are you okay?!
Tom: (whispering) Shh. Call Dr. F. Tell him to postpone the rest of the
experiment....
Crow: Huh? But how....
Tom: I'm dying, you idiot! Play along.
Crow: Oh.....I mean, OH....MY GOD!!! TOM'S DYING!!! OUR FRIEND
TOM SERVO'S LIFE IS FADING BEFORE OUR EYES!!! DR. F! IF
YOU CAN HEAR ME, OPEN THE THEATER DOORS!!! OPEN THEM
BEFORE TOM SERVO IS NO MORE!!!
(There is no reply)
Crow: DOCTOR PLEASE!!! YOU CAN'T LET TOM SERVO DIE!!! WHAT
ABOUT ALL THAT CRA...ER....STUFF YOU'VE TOLD US ABOUT LOVING
YOUR FELLOW MAN? WELL, TOM IS OUR FELLOW MAN AND WE
HAVE TO HELP HIM!!! PLEASE!!!
(There is still no reply)
Crow: (whispering) Tom, he's not falling for it....
Tom: (whispering) Okay, time for plan B.
Crow: (whispering) What's plan B?
Tom: (whispering) Toast the theater screen with your bazooka!
(Crow looks up at the screen, still showing the fanfic.)
Crow: Why didn't *I* think of that!?!
(Crow pulls out his bazooka and aims it at the movie screen. He fires off a
single shot and the screen sports a large hole, the edges catching fire and
burning the rest of the screen. Immediately, an alarm goes off and fire
sprinklers emerge from the ceiling to hose down the theater. By the time
they're finished, The trio is completely soaked, the cold water snapping
Joel out of his dementia as well.)
Joel: (spits out water) Well, that's one way to end an experiment early....
Tom: Boy, Dr. F's going to be pissed about this one.
Crow: (looks to his right) Well, the theater doors are open. Might as well
leave and face the music....
* * *
SATELLITE OF HATE
Joel sat in the command chair, a damp towel around his neck and
Tom Servo perched on his head. Tom was using his hoverjets on low to
dry Joel's hair while Crow paced back and forth in front of them. Finally, the
image of Dr. Frank appeared on the viewscreen, having finally regained
control of communications. His face was calm as always, but his jaw was
firmly set and Crow had the impression that the doctor was grinding his
teeth, trying to remain cool and collected.
"Well now....It would seem you've once again forced me to take
steps to insure you won't interrupt the fanfic. My special droid will be
sent up momentarily to install a rip-proof, fire-proof, acid-proof, water-proof
and stain-resistant screen to replace the one you damaged. Also, I'll expect
you to hand over any and all weapons to the droid, less you force him to
use unpleasant methods of persuasion...."
Crow groaned while Joel and Tom grinned with delight.
"I presume you can find something to amuse yourselves with until
the droid's work is finished. Until then, be well!" Dr. Frank concluded
as his image disappeared from the screen.
"Ha! Looks like you won't be threatening us with your bazooka
anymore! In the words of Brian Knobbs and Jerry Saggs, We can be as
NASTY as we wanna be!" Joel exclaimed in a smug voice.
Crow shrugged. "That's true....of course, it'll take the droid a little
while to be properly fitted and sent up into orbit. Plenty of time for me to
try out the bazooka once more....for old times sake."
Joel and Tom looked at each other and bolted for their lives as Crow
chased after them, blasting away....
* * *
CLOUD 9
"Here you go, Dr. F...."
Dr. Frank gratefully accepted the cup of hot cider from his assistant
and took a long sip. "I nearly lost control, Forrester. They almost made me
lose my temper. What am I going to do with them?"
Forrester shrugged. "Maybe they need a hobby...."
"Yes...." Dr. Frank replied wearily. Then a look of enlightenment
washed over his face. "Yes....that's it....If I could create something to hold
their interest....something that could prevent them from causing any more
damage and at the same time, give them an outlet to release their hostile
tendencies...."
Dr. Frank suddenly leaped to his feet, spilling the hot cider in his
lap. "THAT'S IT!!!" Dr. Frank bellowed with excitement and pain. "I'll
give them a holographic generator to create whatever scenario they please
and in doing so, they'll leave the earth alone and perhaps be more open to
the fanfics I send them! Forrester, you're a genius!"
Forrester bigsweated. "Uh....Dr. F....I don't want to criticize you or
anything, but are you sure that's a good idea? How are you going to reform
them if they can create any twisted scenario they want?"
"Well, I'll program certain restrictions, of course, but for the most
part, it should condition them to only use violence in the holographic
environment and behave normally outside. Besides...." Dr. Frank added. "I
don't think the Earth is up to being scribbled on again, do you?"
Forrester had to concede to that point. "Okay, when should we get
started?
"Right after we visit the emergency ward in sickbay. I fear my
hot cider has given me 3rd degree burns in a very tender area...."
TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2.....
(Feel free to hum the closing theme as you read my author's notes.)
Hello! I was originally going to make this a single MSTing with a host
segment in the middle but it's simply too long so I split it into two parts
and made sure the second part was available along with this one, to be
read at your discretion. As with "That Girl", There's lots more to come
in the second part so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some
great riffs. ;)
I'd like to give very special thanks to Gary Kleppe and Robin "Lunari"
Seabaugh who were all very helpful in giving me C&C and ideas for this
MSTing. I couldn't have finished this MSTing without their help and I
can't thank them enough. :)
I'd also like to thank Timothy McLees, Luna and Artemis, Chris
Bergstrom, Jay Dee Archer (Jupiter Knight), Michael K. Neylon and
Sakura for being nice enough to post my MSTings on their webpages. If
there's anyone else I missed, I apologize.
Another person I would like to give very special thanks to is Shizen,
who was nice enough to dedicate a webpage for my MSTings. Shizen
has his own IRC and Beseen.com chatrooms, along with several other
features including a growing collection of Ranma 1/2 and Sailor Moon
fanfics. My other fanfics as well as Robin "Lunari" Seabaugh's can be
found in these collections and new submissions are very welcome. Check
it out in the links section below. :)
Also, I'm very proud to announce that my MSTings won the following
categories for the 1st Annual Silly Mally Awards and I'm very grateful
to everyone who voted for them. If you're interested in the complete results,
visit Tenchi's Vault of Anime MSTings.
*BEST ANIME (Non-Sailor Moon) MSTING*
"War" MSTed by Megane 6.7
(Runner up:"Ranma vs the Joker" MSTed by Kevin Pezzano)
*BEST SAILOR MOON MSTING* (TIE)
"Dimisional Trouble", MSTed by Tim McLees
"Sailor Jupiter vs Godzilla", MSTed by Megane 6.7
*BEST NON-ANIME MSTING*
"Moondusted", MSTed by Tim McLees, Megane 6.7 & Mark Sachs
(Runner Up: "A Final Fantasy 7 Thanksgiving", MSTed by Jamie Jeans
*BEST MSTING OF A LEMON*
"Artemis' Lover" MSTed by Megane 6.7
(Runner-Up:Virgin Warrior Sailor Moon, MSTed by Megane 6.7)
*BRAVEST AUTHOR*
Megane 6.7, the 1st TVAM MSTer, discovered Oscar.
(Runner-Up:Don Euclid, for his work with the Sasami lemons)
*BEST HOST SEGMENTS IN A MSTING*
Megane 6.7
(Runner-Up:Tim McLees)
*BEST RIFFS IN A MSTING*
Megane 6.7
(Runner-up:Seth Triggs)
Thank you very much. :)
Finally I'd like to thank Hitomi for writing "Ranko's Life" and giving me a
lot of material to work with. I hope you're not too offended. It's all meant
in good fun. If you are, feel free to MST my own works, I won't mind a bit.
C&C, as always, is appreciated. (fcasper@yesic.com) Feel free to
send in any anime fanfics that you would like to see MSTed and I'll take
a look at it. Also, if you're interested in seeing any previous episodes
of this series, I'll be happy to e-mail them to you. ;)
Sincerely,
Megane 6.7
Tenchi's Vault of Anime MSTings (New and Improved!!!)
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/4007/MSTings.html
(Celebrating it's one year anniversary, Tenchi's webpage is now bigger
and better looking than ever! Check out the new features and enjoy the
MSTings of an ever-growing number of talented authors.)
Shizen's Versatile Homepage
http://www.winnipeg.freenet.mb.ca/~cto427/index.html
(Shizen was nice enough to dedicate a webpage to me for my MSTings
and it also contains a link to my other stories and the stories of Robin
"Lunari" Seabaugh.
Gary Kleppe's Comics and Manga Page
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics
(Another author with a vast selection of terrific Ranma 1/2 fanfics and a
great human being.)
The Official Homepage of Jeffrey "Oneshot" Wong
http://www.isc.rit.edu/~jkw7063/fanfic/index.htm
(Author of the popular "Usagi's Usual Morning" series and a great human being.)
Website Number 9 MSTings
http://neylonpc.engin.umich.edu/mst3k/mistings.shtml
(Huge collection of MSTings, Anime and Non-Anime.)
Jupiter Knight's Great Sailor Moon Fanfic Archive
http://www.dragonfire.net/~JupiterKnight/fanfics.htm
(A great source of Sailor Moon Fanfics.)
Zen's Fanfiction Page
http://www.mindspring.com/~databank/fanfics.html
(One of the most controversial fanfic writers today and one of my favorites.)
The New Luna and Artemis Central Command
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/9897/
(The source of some of my MSTings and updated weekly with new fics.)
Sakura's Lemon Fan-Fiction Archive
http://anime.muck.com/~sakura/main.html
(Ever growing collection of Lemon Fanfiction from all walks of Anime.)
The Shrine O' Oscar
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/4007/Oscar.html
(Home of all the Oscarfic MSTings and final respects paid to him....)
SEASON ONE
------------------
101- "GAMES" by Artemis (SM Lemon)
102- "ARTEMIS'S LOVER" (Original Draft) by Oscar (SM Lemon)
103- "SAILOR JUPITER VS. GODZILLA" by The Flashman
(SM/GODZILLA CROSSOVER)
104- "JUDGE BRAINITITE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic)
w/short "RANMA 1/2: ACCUSED PT. 1" by Karmin (R1/2 Fanfic)
105- "THE WAR" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic)
106- "TRANSITIONS" by Richard Lawson (Nuku Nuku Fanfic)
107- "HELLRAISERS" (Original Draft) by Aaron Eaton
(La Blue Girl/Overfiend/Original Crossover)
108- "MEN OF BOKKEN" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic)
109- "BISHOUJO SENSHI ROYAL RUMBLE" by Ken Hoinsky
(SM/WWF Crossover)
w/short "THE DINNER PARTY" by Chris Curzon (SM/RL Crossover)
110- "XMAS SPECIAL: SAILOR MOON MEETS FATHER CHRISTMAS"
by Dr. Thinker (SM Christmas Fanfic
SEASON TWO
-------------------
201- "THAT GIRL" PT. 1-2 by Oscar (SM Lemon)
202- "VIRGIN WARRIOR SAILOR MOON" by Umino (SM Lemon)
203- "*R*P*M*" by Flynn (SM Fanfic)
">and the first thing he noticed was how cute her face was. Long black hair
with a reddish tinge, perfect complexion, not much makeup, and a very nice figure
which was shown perfectly by the conservative, yet flowing dress that she
wore.
Tom: Could somebody send out for some verbs, please?"
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
Keep Circulating the Fanfics....