"And lo, Moses did come down from the mountain, and go unto those turks
who had turned from the true way, and he did sayeth unto them: "Repent, for
decaffination is a sin!  The awesome power of Java is upon you, and in it's
rightous fire you shall be purified!  Succumb not to the hedonism that is
Folgers Crystals, nor be tempted by that foul concoction that is diet
soda!"  And lo, the turks were wroth, for Moses was of the LORD, and
weilded the powers of esspresso.  And yet they did not return to the true
way, for the evil power of ADVERTISEMENT had possesed their greatest house,
and Moses saw this upon his eighth cup and shook with wrath.
	He took up his Bunn-o-matic(tm) and marched to the door of the house of
MAXWELL, wherein the strongest of demons resided, and declared unto it:
"Come fourth! For I have commanded it!  You are a foulness on this land,
and it will not be permitted!  In the name of the holy trinity: Cola,
Chocolate, and Coffee, I bid the be gone!"
	And lo, the demon was struck down: for into that house strode the lords
Archangel Cappucino, who threw Maxwell House's deamon from the earth.
	And lo, the head of House Maxwell did repent: and left his house in
disgrace, to seek the true power of caffine;  (In later years, it would be
this man, Maximim of Maxwell, who would discover the secret of JOLT!, For
which he was sainted.)  And lo the turks were saved, and turned away from
the evil of Decaff.
	But we must be vigilant: for this evil may arise again, in a faraway land,
wherein it must be fought by godly folk, else the world succumb to darkness.
	- Cornholio 1:15

Eh...I'll sit down now.  Really.