Ask me no questions, I'll give you no shit.
This little fanfic might hurt just a bit.

Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 property of Takahashi Rumiko, etc.

Don't take this one seriously, folks...

			Ranma 1/2 
			O-MA-KE!

	"Nerima Animation Festival"

		o=======o

	"Hey Akane, did you hear?" Sayuri asked as she and Yuka approached
the short-haired girl.
	"Hear what?" Akane asked.
	"There's gonna be an animation festival next week!" Yuka said.
"They're having animation workshops and registration tomorrow in the
gym." 
	"Really? Hmm...sounds like fun," Akane said. 

	The next day, the gymnasium of Furinkan High was crowded with people
from all over town signing up for the animation workshop. Akane
recognized almost everyone she knew among the crowds. "Wow, what a
turnout," she mused. People were lined up single-file, and in some
cases, in pairs, all eager to register to be in the festival. In one
line, Mousse and Ryouga were chatting amicably, behind her own father
and Saotome-san, who were filling out an entry form. In another line,
she saw Ukyou, Shampoo, and Kodachi, all looking around as though to
spot someone. She smirked; she had a fair idea who they were looking
for. Strangely enough, he didn't seem to be anywhere around. She was,
however, surprised to notice Kasumi filling out a registration form
at the front of one line. 

		o=======o

	Shampoo watched with some amusement at the two boys sitting at a
corner table, doodling on large sheets of paper and debating rather
noisily. "Stupids," she muttered. "Hmmm...Shampoo have fun idea."
Withdrawing a bottle from the refrigerator, the Amazon made her way
over to the table where Mousse and Ryouga sat.
	"Here special refreshment. On house just this once! You drink up,
alright?" Shampoo sat the bottle down on the table.
	"Hey, thanks Shampoo!" Ryouga said, filling a glass. "I was getting
pretty parched."
	"Same here," Mousse said. "It's sure nice of you to think of us like
this."
	Shampoo grinned slightly evilly. *And now, fun begin.*

		o=======o

	Akane sighed as she left the kitchen holding the one thing she could
make without causing a disaster: a simple sandwich. Kasumi had
offered to make her something, but the youngest Tendou sister just
didn't have the heart to disturb Kasumi's work for the festival.
She'd been surprised to see her older sister signing up, and had
asked her about it. "Well," Kasumi had said, "I used to enjoy drawing
when I was younger, and I thought it might be fun, just this once."
And so, Kasumi sat at the the table in the dining room, diligently
drawing. Akane positioned herself at the other end of the table,
nibbling her sandwich as she contemplated what her cartoon should be
about.
	Earlier, she'd asked Nabiki if she was also going to enter the
festival. The mercenary sister smirked, and made a comment along the
lines of "Why should I make a complete fool of myself in public when
there's no profit involved?" When Ranma had shown up for dinner,
Akane mentioned the festival to him, and he merely remarked that
she'd be wasting her time if she tried to draw a cartoon. Then he'd
disappeared again. Typical.
	The rest of the household, however, was deep into preparations for
the festival. Soun and Genma had barricaded themselves inside the
dojo, and Happousai was locked in his room. 
	"So, what are you going to draw a cartoon about, Akane-chan?" Kasumi
asked as she doodled away on her paper.
	"I don't know," Akane said. "I'm trying to come up with a good idea.
What about you?"
	"Oh," Kasumi said, smiling, "Just something nice..."

		o=======o

	Shampoo laughed as she watched the two boys in the dining area. They
were thoroughly sloshed. Giggling at their antics, she began working
on her own cartoon.
	In the dining area, Ryouga and Mousse were laughing and making crude
jokes over whatever it was they were drawing.

		o=======o

	In opposite ends of the Kunou manor, the twisted siblings hovered
menacingly over the artists they had hired to create their entries
for them. Occassionally they would administer correction to a
storyboard, and make some debasing comment, unhinged threat, or
long-winded rant to unnerve their employees. 

		o=======o

	And so it was, all across Nerima, that the denizens prepared for the
big animation festival. Everyone was certain that their work would be
the star of the show...

		o===THE FESTIVAL===o

	"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen," Nabiki said into the microphone,
"to the first Nerima Animation Festival! We know you've all put in
lots of time and hard work on these short films, and we all know time
is money, so let's get right down to business.
	"Our first entry comes to us from Happousai..."

		o===KAWAIKOJIRA, by Happousai===o

	[We open on a shakily-drawn cityscape of Tokyo. The city quivers,
and people are running and screaming, as a giant shadow falls across
the streets. Panning up, we see it is a giant Ranma-chan, taller than
the Tokyo Tower, wearing a tiger-striped bikini.]

	[As the giant Ranma-chan rampages, we suddenly see Happousai, his
scrawny, wrinkled physique embellished, as he expands to fill his
battle aura. Happousai now stands about half as tall as the wild
Ranma-chan.]

	[Ranma-chan snarled, and Happousai leaps into action. In mere
seconds, her bikini is covering the buildings and cars below, as the
enlarged Happousai glomps her.]

	Happousai: SWEETO!

	[Ranma-chan shrieks, and runs, diving into Tokyo Bay and
disappearing.]

	THE END

		o========o

	"Well that was...interesting," Nabiki said, as Ranma glared at the
withered pervert. "Moving right along...a little Amazon flavor for
the next film..."

		o===SHAMPOO GET AIREN, by Shampoo===o

	[Several squat, deformed caricatures seemingly made of groups of
circles shuffle in a line across the screen. The artwork is
reminiscent of South Park. From right to left, we have Ranma, Akane,
Ukyou, and Kodachi. A figure resembling Shampoo, holding a sword,
walks across the screen.]

	[Shampoo approached Kodachi, and lops off her head. A huge shower of
blood spews into the air, as Kodachi's head tumbles to the ground.
Shampoo pushes past the body to a nervous-looking Ukyou, and stabs
her through the gut. A fountain of blood spews from the wound, and
continues to spew even as Ukyou's twitching corpse drops.]

	[Not even moving, Shampoo begins swinging her sword. Although it
never even touches Akane, several seconds later Akane is completely
dismembered, pieces of her lying everywhere. Shampoo's sword
disappears, and she moves in on Ranma, picking him up and carrying
him offscreen.]

		o=======o

	"Thank you, Shampoo. And now, for something we hope you'll really
like, and I mean that." There was muffled laughter from around the
room, as Ranma's fiancees fumed. "Up next we have a team effort by
Hibiki Ryouga and Mousse..."

		o===RYOUGA AND DUCK-HEAD, by Mousse and Ryouga===o

	[Standing in the center of the screen are...two of something
extremely ugly. Imagine Beavis and Butt-head, mixed with traditional
art depicting persons of Japanese descent. The two oddities bear a
passing resemblance to Ryouga and Mousse, despite having foreheads
that make up 70 percent of their face, beady eyes, and oddly shaped
jaws.]

	Ryouga: Huh huh huh, Ranma sucks.

	Mousse: Yeah yeah, Ranma sucks, huh huh huh. Hey, let's go kick his
ass, yeah yeah, huh huh huh.

	Ryouga: Huh huh huh, yeah, we'll kick his ass. 

	Mousse: Unless he's a chick, then we'll--

	Ryouga: Huh huh, shut up, dillweed. Ranma's a guy, you fag.

	Mousse: Yeah yeah, but when he's a chick...huh huh huh...

	Ryouga: Huh huh, yeah, those tits rule, huh huh...

	[The film ends rather suddenly at this point, on a shot of Ryouga
and Mousse laughing like morons and drooling.]

		o=======o

	"Oh...kay...more than we needed to know, I'm sure," Nabiki said. In
the back of the auditorium, Ryouga and Mousse attempted to disappear
into their seats. "Now for a change of pace, let's see a film by
Kuonji Ukyou..."

		o===HOW IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN, by Kuonji Ukyou===o

	[We see a fairly decent animation of a small Ukyou chasing a yatai
down a dirt road, as Saotome Genma pulls the cart, and Ranma sits
atop, waiting.]

	Ranma: Buh-bye, Ucchan!

	Ukyou: You said you'd take me with you! Come back, you stupid
jackass!

	Ranma: Huh? You wanna come with us? Why?

	Ukyou: Your dad told my dad I could come with you!

	Ranma: Oh! Okay then! Hang on!

	[Ranma jumps off the cart, and uppercuts Genma, who goes flying. The
cart stops. Ranma helps Ukyou get on top. When Genma comes back, both
children are ready to go, and Genma looks rather pained.]

	-fin-

		o=======o

	"Cute work, Ukyou," Nabiki said. Several people were sniffling, a
few were glowing. "Next up...well, well...next we have a piece
brought to us by Saotome Ranma."
	Everyone blinked. Nobody had seen Ranma register...

		o===BACONBALL Z, by Saotome Ranma===o

	[We enter upon a surprisingly well-drawn scene, which has a definite
Toriyama influence. We see Ranma, his hair standing in spikes,
including the ever-present pigtail. Ranma is wearing a reddish-orange
gi, and heavy black boots. Standing opposite him is Ryouga, hair
standing in one grand spike above his bandana, wearing a blue
bodysuit with white boots and gloves. Ryouga is smirking.]

	Ryouga: Today is the day you die, Ranma.

	Ranma: Anytime you're ready.

	[A furious, blurred exchange of blows begins. A moment later it
stops, and Ryouga pulls a flask from out of nowhere, grinning.]

	Ryouga: Very good, Ranma. But you see, I have a secret weapon to
help me. You will not win this battle.

	[Ryouga pours the flask over himself, and instantly changes into a
gigantic, think mountain-sized, black pig. The pig opens its mouth
and unleashes a blast of bright green energy at Ranma, who barely
rolls out of the way.]

	Ranma: Oh yeah? Watch this!

	[The dust at Ranma's feet stirs as a golden aura springs up around
him. Ranma's hair turns bright blond. He flies up and begans raining
down blows upon the enormous pig, who counters with swipes of his
massive hooves. Then Ranma hovers several meters above him, and
begins gathering his ki.]

	Ranma: Moukou-hame-ha!

	[Ranma releases a massive blast, which impales Ryouga. The huge pig
releases a final bwee of pain before exploding. When the dust and
light clears, we see Ranma's booted feet touch down on the ground, as
the golden aura winks out. His hair settles and returns to its normal
black color. Pieces of bacon begin raining down all around him.]

		o=======o

	"Hmm, that was actually not half bad," Nabiki said. Ryouga could be
heard growling in the back of the room, while Akane sat still,
blinking. "And our next film is by Tendou Akane. Roll it!"

		o===SAILOR AKANE, by Tendou Akane===o

	[We see a slightly smudged and messy, but still recognizable, SD
Akane in a sailor fuku. Standing nearby is an SD Ranma in grey
Chinese shirt and pants. SD Akane performs silly poses.]

	Akane: I am the pretty soldier Sailor Akane! For your stupid,
perverted ways, I will punish you, Ranmaite!

	Ranmaite: Foolish girl! I will use my sex-changing powers to seduce
both women *and* men, and steal their energy! I will crush you!

	S. Akane: Ranmaite no baka! MALLET CRUSH!

	[A mallet appears in S. Akane's hand. She throws it, and it impacts
with Ranmaite's head. He turns into a pile of dust.]

		o=======o

	Mutters and snickers filled the room as Nabiki raised an eyebrow at
her little sister. "Alright, that was Akane's film. And now for
something totally different, a perfomance piece by Kunou Kodachi.
This might be a good time to take that bathroom break..."

		o===A BLACK ROSE BLOOMS, by Kunou Kodachi===o

	[An extremely bishounen Ranma lies upon a bed, as Kodachi, clad only
in a sheer lace teddy, slowly walks over to him. She grasps the
waistband of his boxers, and--]

		o=======o

	"Uhhh...can we please stop film? Thank you..."
	"What? Censorship! This is an outrage! I'll have your heads for
this....OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"
	"Yeah, uh-huh, right. Okay, let's see what two fathers have come up
with for us..."

		o===A PERFECT DAY, by Tendou Soun and Saotome Genma===o

	[We open on a graveyard. Standing in front of a lone grave, fairly
well drawn, are Akane and Ranma, in Western wedding finery. Their
families stand around them, as they place rings on each others'
fingers, and kiss. Soun breaks down in tears, and kneels beside the
grave.]

	Soun: Oh, my dearest wife...if only you'd been alive to see this
happiest day...

	[The mood of the scene is somewhat marred as we get a look at some
of the other tombstones. They seem to have the names of Ranma's other
suitors on them...and one tombstone reads "Saotome Nodoka"...]

		o=======o

	"And that was...something different. We're down to the last two,
folks."
	Cheers resounded through the auditorium. 
	"This next piece comes to us from Kunou Tatewaki..."

		o===I WOULD HAVE THEM BOTH, by Kunou Tatewaki===o

	[Scene opens on the Kunou manor. Kunou is pacing, Akane and
Ranma-chan in step behind him.]

	Kunou: I cannot decide. Yea, though it would be most crass indeed, I
know I could not be complete lest I were to have both my loves at my
side for all time...

	Ranma-chan: Why not move to the Arab lands? You can have all the
wives you want there.

	Akane: Yes, it's perfect!

	Kunou: Yes! Of course! I shall become a Shiek of the deserts of
Arabia! Come, my loves, off we must away to our new palace!

	[Akane and Ranma-chan are now sitting on mounds of pillows to either
side of Kunou, who is decked out in sultanate robes and seated upon a
throne. Nearby, Ranma-kun, in the garments of a eunuch, crawls along
the floor on his belly, cleaning it with his tongue.]

	Kunou: Truly, this is the life...

		o=======o

	"Okay folks. This is it. The last one. This should be pretty
tame...it was submitted by Tendou Kasumi."
		The crowd cheered, as the film began rolling...

		o===SOMETHING NICE, by Tendou Kasumi===o

	[We open on a beautifully drawn clearing. Sakura are blooming around
the grassy meadow, while a brook burbles merrily nearby. A large
blanket is spread out across the grass, and three picnic baskets sit
in the middle of it. Gathered around the blanket are Ranma and Akane,
who are holding hands; Shampoo and Mousse, making idle chit-chat;
Soun, Genma, and Happousai, all behaving for once; Ukyou, Ryouga, and
Nabiki, who are talking and laughing together as they pass around
food from the baskets; and finally Kasumi and Tofu, who are smiling
at each other as Kasumi unpacks the baskets with the help of Nodoka.
Soon, everyone is eating, talking, and laughing. Everyone is enjoying
the food and the beautiful day. Nobody is arguing, there is no
fighting...just peace, good food, friends, and family.] 

		o=======o

	Everyone in the auditorium stands and applauds. In her seat, Kasumi
blushes. "Ara..."
	Nabiki wipes a tear from her eye. "That was truly beautiful, Kasumi.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes the Nerima Animation
Festival. Thank you all for coming." 


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