Hostile Takeover A Ranma Wars Side Story By J. Austin Wilde Fission Park Press and P-P-P-Chan Productions J. Austin Wilde, K.B.C.S. Minister of Propaganda and Herald of the Temple of the Island King Fission Park Press wildeman@psn.net Ranma Wars is the creation of Lucas Muzzatti. If it is also a parody of George Lucas� Star Wars, than this is the first I�ve heard of it. Go ask Lucas (Muzzatti that is) for explanations... Ranma 1/2 and Star Wars are of course the creation of Rumiko Takahashi and George Lucas with all the usual rights and privileges. ________________________________________________________________________ Not so long ago in a galaxy of our own devising... �You do realize that you�re putting yourself in harm�s way, don�t you?� Nabiki nodded in her typical nonchalant manner at Kasumi Antilles� remark. **What do starfighter pilots know about this sort of thing anyway?** Kasumi sighed and adjusted the straps on her flightsuit�s life support pack. The usual flashing status lights upon the pack had been modified long ago to appear as multi-colored smiley faces, a touch Kasumi insisted made her fellow pilots more at ease before a mission. Nabiki thought it was just silly, but then there was something not altogether there about Kasumi Antilles in the first place. �Have you heard a word I�ve said?� Kasumi asked in a tone that was increasingly cross. Nabiki nodded again. Her friend�s concern was touching, but it was starting to wear thin. �Of course, dear.� Nabiki said when it looked like Kasumi was going to say something else. �You don�t seem very concerned about this,� Kasumi remarked. �It�s just business. Besides, I�m going prepared.� She reached into her purse and removed a small golden tube. Kasumi�s eyes widened in appreciation. �Oh my! What a remarkable little blaster!� Nabiki smiled. �It�s not a blaster.� She popped the cap and extended a little red wax with a twist of the bottom. �Lipstick?� Nabiki nodded a third time and puckered up. �A weapon of a more civilized age... The right shade of red can be far more devastating, and it's not as clumsy or as random as a blaster.� Her touch up complete, she gestured to Kasumi�s starfighter. The K-Wing was top of the line, but it was just a little too �cute� for her own sense of aesthetics. Of course it suited Kasumi�s just fine. She decided that the baroquely formed active/passive EMS array looked a little too much like a ribbon bow on the thing�s nose. The fact that it was painted bright pink didn�t help any, either. �Shall we?� Kasumi sighed again and tucked her fall of golden brown hair into the neck seal ring of her flightsuit. She donned the pink �snoopy cap� hood that would keep her bangs out of her eyes and contained her earpiece speakers. That done she extended the retractable boarding ladder along the fighter�s fuselage and climbed up. Nabiki followed behind her. She noted the little duckies and bunnies painted on the inside of the boarding ladder well, and stifled the urge to retch. The K-Wing was just too cute for its own good. Kasumi had strapped into her acceleration seat and plugged the various wires and tubes from her flightsuit into the starfighter�s life support and command/control systemry. Easy listening music played softly from cockpit speakers. The starfighter recited preflight status in a bubbly, almost squeaky cute voice. Nabiki fought back the taste of bile once more, and settled into Kasumi�s lap. The canopy lowered into place and sealed with a hiss. Kasumi placed a safety strap about Nabiki and locked it in place. �Comfy?� She asked. �As a bug in a rug,� Nabiki replied. The K-Wing�s engines shrilled to life, and the starfighter rose off the deck using gravity drive. Kasumi gently eased it out of the ship�s fighter bay and goosed the thrusters to get them clear. The starry void greeted them eagerly. Below them was the planet Tatooine. It was a dusky ball of sand, but real estate value notwithstanding, it was going to be Nabiki�s richest prize. She hoped. �Jabba�s air defenses are pretty formidable,� Kasumi warned. �That�s why I hired the best,� Nabiki replied. She patted Kasumi�s throttle hand. �Okay, I just had to be sure you wanted to go.� She shoved the throttles forward to their stops and clamped on the burn studs. The K-Wing�s HEPLAR drives blossomed into three plumes of red flames. Pushing forward with the yoke nosed them down towards Tatooine in an increasingly steep dive. Nabiki felt herself being squeezed against Kasumi�s chest with the acceleration forces. �D-Don�t y-y-you h-have d-d-d-dampeners f-for th-this?� Kasumi gave her a tight lipped murmur of laughter. �Oh my, I forgot that you weren�t used to this sort of thing. I keep the dampeners set low to use the power for other things -like shields.� She caressed a control at her side, and the ride became a little easier to bear. But not much. The planet filled the canopy now, they were so close. A low warbling tone sounded in their ears. �What�s that?� Nabiki asked. Kasumi consulted her sensory suite. �Oh dear, it seems they�ve detected us. They�re launching fighters.� �So soon?� �You�re the one who insisted she should be dropped off right next to his palace,� Kasumi reminded her gently. �Now what?� �Well you *do* want to go down there, right?� �Yes...� �Then please be quiet and hang on.� The K-Wing�s shields came up to power. Kasumi double-fronted them and energized her weapons. As an afterthought she switched off the easy listening music. The music was replaced by something a little less lethargic; Ministry. At first Nabiki was a little confused by Gibby Haynes' monologue, but when the racing engines sounded and the drums pulsed, she knew it was �Jesus Built My Hot-Rod�. The K-Wing tore straight down into the atmosphere with an angry red trail of superheated air behind it. Their hypersonic shock wave rippled against the energized deflector shields, and the starfighter�s engines screamed like demons unfettered. Seconds passed like hours as they dove deeper and deeper into Tatooine�s atmosphere. Nabiki strained her neck enough against the acceleration forces to see Kasumi�s toothy, almost feral grin of expectation. �This is a side of you I hadn�t expected,� she managed. �The music helps me concentrate,� Kasumi replied. �I don�t want to know...� �Hang on please.� Nabiki barely had time to register her words when the K-Wing lurched into a hypersonic snap roll and pulled hard into an inside loop that brought it level with the horizon, which had the effect of bleeding off airspeed murderously. She was plastered against the canopy of the starfighter as a stream of green light rippled past them. Kasumi threw the K-Wing into another snap roll and dove into an inverted split-s. Nabiki was now upside down in the cockpit, held in only by the strap and by the inertial dampers whose purpose was more to keep the starfighter from flying apart than it was to protect the pilot. Kasumi�s finger tensed on the firing stud, and a volley of brilliant red light streamed from the K-Wing�s nose mounted laser projectors. The beams slashed through the shields of the T-95 Tsubasa and bored right through its engine. The interceptor went down in a spiraling flame trail. �So sorry about that,� Kasumi said sweetly into the tac-net. She then gunned the engines, coaxing them back to full power through the thick troposphere of Tatooine. The other two Tsubasas were at the apex of Immelman turns, and Kasumi loosed a concussion missile apiece at them as they hung there at stall speed. One concussion missile struck the slower of the two before he could react. The missile transformed the Tsubasa into a shower of high energy plasma and white hot fragments. The last fighter put on speed and cleared out before her other missile could get itself turned around to reattack. �Oh my, I hope that didn�t hurt much.� �I�m sure it was quick,� Nabiki gasped. �One more to go,� Kasumi Antilles said with a sigh. She checked her speed and then her sensor suite to ensure that there was indeed only one more fighter to go. She loosed another concussion missile to keep the Tsubasa pilot busy and turned inside the other�s turn. With a missile inbound and Kasumi�s K-Wing undercutting his turn, The Tsubasa pilot knew he was doomed. To scissors now would send the missile right up his exhaust pipe and to do anything else would put him at the mercy of Kasumi�s superbly agile fighter. He settled for ejecting. The Tsubasa exploded far ahead of him as his cockpit module separated. The K-Wing waggled its wings in salute and turned back for Jabba�s palace. The Tsubasa pilot just hoped he could get off-world before Jabba�s men caught up with him. Desertion didn�t suit the repugnant crime lord�s fancy. �Well at least *one* of them lived,� Kasumi observed with a smile. �Perhaps we�ll meet again some day under friendlier circumstances. Wouldn�t that be nice?� If she wasn�t so grateful to be alive, Nabiki swore she would strangle the chipper starfighter ace right then. * * * Jabba�s palace was at its bawdiest. Music played from the speaker stacks and exotic alien females danced for their lord�s pleasure. The Who�s Who of the galaxy�s most wanted lists drank and caroused in the shadowy nooks. If Mos Eisley was a wretched hive of scum and villainy, than Jabba�s palace was the ghetto basement. Jabba himself lay upon his great bed of native stone. Bib Fortuna tended to his master, whispering entertaining lies into what passed for an ear amongst the Hutt. A badly abused protocol droid sat at the foot of the bed, sparking intermittently. �� Jabba bellowed. Beings scrambled to comply. Nabiki was brought before him in chains. Her slinky black bodysuit was ripped and torn in interesting places. Four particularly ugly and foul smelling Gamorians served as guards. That they were heavily armed was an understatement. The music faded, and the rest of the scum looked on. Cat-calls in numerous languages assailed her ears, but she remained calm and aloof. One of the Gamorians clubbed a Jawa that approached too close. Bib was confused. �Such precautions for a scrawny human female?� Jabba bellowed laughter, and was aped by his little toady, Salacious Crumb. �� Bib nodded reluctantly. �� Jabba leveled his huge bulbous eyes at her and stuck out his tongue in a belch. �� Nabiki shook her head slowly, deliberately. �You needn�t waste any more of your breath,� she said. �You may need it later.� Jabba laughed monstrously again. �� Nabiki said nothing. Jabba continued, and his retinue listened on. �� Nabiki raised her face to look him in the eyes. Jabba was surprised at the resolve he found in those languid orbs. �I didn�t come here to die, Jabba.� Jabba stuck out his tongue in another belch and scooped up a little furry critter from a bowl of them. He popped it in his mouth, and its squeals could be heard all the way down into his gullet. He turned his eyes back to Nabiki. �� He laughed, and Bib gave the subtle sign that everyone should join in. They did, all though it was a little too eager. Jabba stopped, and the rest of the laughter quickly died out. The crime lord loved doing that. Nabiki remained coolly aloof. �I�ll make you a counter proposal. You can divest yourself of all holdings and leave Tatooine. Or I can just take them from you. At least if you bow out voluntarily, you�ll have a little cash to survive.� She gave him a withering look. �I doubt you could survive long as a beggar on the streets of Mos Eisley. I�m sure someone of your criminal stature has made plenty of enemies.� Jabba�s laughter came even more riotous this time. �� He nearly choked out the words as he laughed. Bib gave the sign and the rest joined in. �� The place was almost a riot now. �� Jabba ordered. �� The Gamorians led her away with Bib Fortuna following close behind. The party picked up where it left off. Jabba brought his dancers in close and drank in the taste of victory. * * * Nabiki was tossed rather roughly into a dank cell. The Gamorians made quick work of her clothes, ripping the stretchy black fabric right off her body with blunt hooks. A blaster held against her temple kept her from resisting too much. When she was naked, the Gamorians backed out of the cell with grunting laughs. She guessed it was a good thing they didn�t find her attractive. Bib Fortuna on the other hand was groping with his eyes from the safety of the other side of the bars. �I find you have too much hair on your head, but are otherwise appealing,� he said in a gravelly whisper. Nabiki did her best to keep the peepshow to a minimum. �You I find rather ugly,� she remarked bitterly. Bib affected a hurt look. �Is that any way for partners to talk?� �Show a little good faith perhaps.� Bib snorted something in his own tongue. He stooped over and threw a little something in gold chain mail through the bars. Nabiki accepted it silently and put it on. She looked herself over. **Why did it have to be a chain mail bikini? Silly question I suppose. Jabba wants to rake in the humiliations after everything I�ve done to him.** �Acceptable?� Bib asked. �Under the circumstances I�m sure I could do worse.� �Then we are partners again?� Nabiki looked him over. Reason told her to trust him about as far as she could throw him, but she had been arranging this for a long time. **No turning back now, I�m in the belly of the beast.** �Partners.� Bib looked pleased. �Then all will be as we have planned.� Nabiki smiled wanly at Bib�s choice of pronoun. He had about as much to do with her plot as Jabba himself. �Yes. All will be as planned.� Bib was about to leave when he remembered something. He turned about and threw a little object that shined in the dim light. Nabiki caught it and smiled. �I almost forgot to return that to you,� Bib muttered. Nabiki popped the top of the lipstick tube and applied some absently. �I�m glad you remembered.� Bib bowed slightly and left. She noted the suspicious look he gave the lipstick tube as she slipped it into the bosom of her bikini top. He would serve her well enough. * * * �� Jabba demanded. Nabiki was brought forth by a chain about a golden collar. Her 24kt gold chain mail bikini glittered in the light. Her skin glowed with the scented oils Jabba preferred his slaves to wear. Many gasps of appreciation and more than a few cat-calls heralded her arrival. Jabba looked her over. He had an appreciation for the human female form that would be thought of as grotesque amongst his own kind. Jabba was rather gleeful in his admission that he was a deviant. He found Nabiki to be as exquisite as he�d hoped. Her cool demeanor in the face of such humiliation only heightened her appeal. He knew he�d have to kill her sooner or later, but for as long as she held his favor... �� Jabba bellowed. The collar was removed from her neck. Nabiki stood still. Jabba�s eyes widened, a Huttese equivalent of a grin. �� An Ithorian with a long spearrifle poked her in the shoulder blade. �I�ll tell you again Jabba. Accept my offer. My generosity has a short half-life.� Jabba popped a handful of water snakes into his mouth. The things wriggled in his mouth as he sucked them down. �� Nabiki crossed her arms over her cleavage. �Your ears must be bad. I won�t repeat myself.� The Ithorian poked her again. She scowled once at Jabba before she stepped out into the middle of the floor. The music came up. Bib had anticipated his master�s desire and selected an appropriate score. It was all strings and a strangely resonant drum. Under different circumstances she would have found it sensual. Now it was just another humiliation Jabba heaped upon her. She began to dance. Slowly at first as she became accustomed to the rhythm, and then working her body as the tempo picked up. She knew Jabba�s tastes, the things that aroused him. And she was patient. Jabba was transfixed by her performance. For a biped she had a remarkable fluidity, an unconscious grace that translated into the movements of her silky limbs. Supple arms and gamine legs played across the dusty stone floor. She kept her eyes on him, and the fire in them wakened urges he�d long denied himself. The song ended and the next picked right up. This one was faster, with a staccato beat that had her working her feet as fast as she could. Her head flicked about with swift glances to the beat. Several of the crowd began to shift their places. The next song was a slow and stately one, a triple measure, rather like a sarabande. She dipped her head with each second beat, and her hair bobbed sensuously; covering her face but not dimming the lambent flames that glowed in her eyes. Jabba stopped feeding his face and just watched her. Bib rather nervously took his eyes off her and looked around the room. Nabiki minced lightly across the floor, working closer to Jabba. She felt the lipstick tube still cold against her breasts. Bib was now sweating profusely. Jabba let her come closer. He was oblivious to the movements in the shadows of his murky den. Nabiki however paid attention innocently enough. Everything was going according to plan. She played her hands across her belly, working them up to her breasts. Bib�s eyes were focused on that spot in her bosom where the lipstick tube was concealed. Her seductive dance had brought her very close to Jabba now, she could practically reach out and touch him. Not that she wanted to. Those moving in the shadows drew knives, swords, and blasters. Nabiki caught a glint of steel reflected from a knife and smiled inwardly. The music began building up to a crescendo with the introduction of horns and powerful bass strings. She looked at Bib Fortuna and winked slyly. The gesture blended perfectly with her erotic performance and so no one was the wiser. Bib tucked his hand into his pocket and returned her wink with a faint nod. The music was spiraling up into a lavishly fierce finale, and Nabiki lost herself in the dance. The music ended with a crash of horns and thunderous percussion. Blaster fire rang out, killing the Gamorian thugs and the Ithorian with the spearrifle instantly. Knives flashed, and throats and other tender spots were opened with the steely rings of metal on flesh. In under a second, Jabba the Hutt�s entire guard was wiped out. Nabiki had wisely taken this time to duck. Bib drew his blaster and began to direct it towards Jabba when he realized to his horror that the beings under Nabiki�s employ were subsequently gunned down en masse by people in the crowd he�d always thought to be Jabba�s various guests. Blaster fire screamed across the smoky chamber, and the cries of the dead and wounded and panicked almost kept up with the high-pitched reports. In under two seconds, Nabiki�s entire hit squad was wiped out. A deathly silence fell upon the chamber. Bib Fortuna saw the look in Jabba�s eyes as he turned his blaster away from the crime lord and out into the gallery. He�d been had. Jabba had foreseen this very betrayal and had prepared against it. Jabba laughed cruelly. �� Nabiki stood up and struck a self-assured pose. Sweat glistened off her extravagance of oiled skin. �I thought you would appreciate it. Mindless violence has always suited your sense of taste when appropriately applied.� �� He rumbled evilly and his huge eyes bulged at Bib Fortuna. Bib began to stammer explanations and oaths of perpetual fealty. He could almost feel the tiny red dots of laser aimpoints crawling across his body from Jabba�s secret guards. Jabba silenced him with a powerful swat of his arm. Nabiki hadn�t expected the wasted little things of having so much power. Bib fell to his knees and began to weep. �� Jabba looked back to Nabiki. �� Nabiki said nothing in reply. �� She smirked. �What difference does it make? Death is death.� Jabba murmured agreement. �� Nabiki nodded and slipped the tube of lipstick from her bosom. Bib Fortuna�s eyes widened in horror. He stood up and pointed at the small golden trinket. �Master beware! She has some kind of weapon secreted there!� **Bib was quick to return to his master�s good graces,** Nabiki noted. Jabba recoiled in surprise. When a third volley of shots rang out and killed his secret guard, he was even more surprised. Three quarters of the guests now lay in smoking heaps about the room, and the place stank of burnt flesh. Salacious Crumb, who had been laughing the whole time, was now a bubbling magenta splatter on the wall behind Jabba. Jabba watched as the other half of the guard directed their weapons at him. Explosions and gunfire could be heard elsewhere in the palace now. There would be no reinforcements to help him. Nabiki smiled wanly for them. �Now I seem to recall making you an offer. I also recall giving you a second chance. I don�t give third chances.� Bib was flabbergasted. Jabba deathly silent. �I appreciate your help, Bib. I couldn�t have smuggled in those hit men without you,� she began. Bib began to sweat even harder. �But I couldn�t have pulled this off without you, Jabba.� It was now Jabba�s turn to be flabbergasted. �Yes, I know. You didn�t mean to, but you�re just *so* predictable. And so very arrogant.� Now Jabba understood what she was talking about. She knew he�d have extra triggermen hidden in with the guests. She knew that he would be expecting something from her. All she needed was a little excitement to bring his triggers out into the open so her own men could pick them off. And he had given it to her. Nabiki popped the top of the lipstick tube and touched up. �And you Fortuna, so quick to betray me? I�m surprised Jabba�s kept you around this long. But don�t worry, I won�t make that same mistake.� She replaced the top of the tube and tucked it back into her bosom. One of her hit men stepped up and threw a cloak over her shoulders. She wrapped it around herself and started to laugh. �You know, as of about ten minutes ago all of your legal assets were frozen pending criminal investigation. Your high powered lawyers all met with terrible accidents, so there won�t be help from that quarter. And as for your illegitimate business concerns, well I guess they�re just mine for the taking.� Several armored troopers stomped into the chamber and secured it. One of them saluted her. She threw a jaunty salute in return and continued. �And that my dear Jabba, is the signal that your palace and sail barge have been secured by my organization. As your new landlord I feel I must evict you.� Jabba found enough resolve to laugh at her. �� Nabiki laughed again. �I don�t think so. You see my little coup over you sends a powerful message to whatever friends you might still have. And let�s face it, I�m good, but even I can�t seize *all* of your holdings at once. No, I think the scramble for the leftovers will be enough to keep all of the other organizations too busy to bother tangling with me.� More troops filed into the chamber. These weren�t your average thugs, either. Nabiki had hired an elite mercenary company from the look of them. �You�ll be leaving now. My men have instructions to drop you off in Mos Eisley. With any luck the police or the Hentperials will pick you up before one of your competitors does.� She gestured to her half naked form. �I�d make you dance for me, but I don�t think I have the stomach for it. You on the other hand have too much stomach for it.� She gestured to his bloated form. �I think kicking you out of your own palace is humiliation enough.� Jabba was livid with impotent rage. Several dozen blaster rifles and a huge crew served gun shoved in his face quickly silenced him. The great bed-throne�s gravity drive whined in protest as they took him away. Bib Fortuna stood alone now in a room full of enemies. Nabiki clucked sadly at him. �Poor Bib. You should have played it through to the end. If you had, well, let�s not kid ourselves shall we? I mean if you�ll betray Jabba you�ll betray me later.� She stepped back from him and the troops did the same. Bib realized too late what he was standing on. The trap-door opened with a cloud of dust and a heavy thud. Bib dropped straight through the floor and slid down into the Rancor chute. His screams persisted for a few minutes before they were drown out by the Rancor�s growls. There followed a few sickening crunches of bone, and then silence. �No hard feelings?� She called down the hole. One of her men reset the trap. �Will you be staying here tonight?� He asked her. She looked about her to the bloody and burned ruins. �No, not tonight. This place needs cleaning up. I�d suggest burning it to the ground, but the Mos Eisley syndicates need a symbol of power. I�ll return soon enough.� She stepped over the body of the Ithorian and walked out of the room. �I mean, now that I�m in charge here, it�s as good a place as any..." She walked up the stairs, and a wicked smile played across her face. �Today Jabba the Hutt. Tomorrow I think I�ll try the Hentpire. And I have just the man to use as my unwitting pawn...� Her thoughts drifted fondly to the handsome face of Kuno Vader. Her laughter echoed through the empty halls. THE END Notes: 1) This is the first in a series of short fics from P-P-P-Chan Productions and Fission Park Press that will introduce the main story. The next fic in the group will be 'The Desert Suite' (featuring Kasumi Antilles). 2) The K-Wing starfighter was designed and built by Kawaii Heavy Industries of Shiratori. The K-Wing sports powerful reactor/propulsion systems by Charming, a twin laser projector array, a concussion missile launcher with eight reloads, and four streamlined pylons for proton torpedoes. The on-board A/I system is specifically tailored to be as friendly and cheerful as possible. It is the front line starfighter of the Rebel Alliance. 3) The T-95 Tsubasa is a popular interdiction and commerce raider. While not as fast or as agile as the K-Wing, its main claim to fame is its sophisticated sensory deception gear. Beyond visual range, the Tsubasa can appear on sensors as any type of spaceship (or object) the operator desires. At long ranges even capital ships can be simulated! The three belonging to Jabba were on a simple intercept against only one fighter, thus there was no reason to employ their deception gear. 4) Yes, it�s just a tube of lipstick. What did you think it was? Free the Nukes!