[mental disclaimer here]
kore wa watashi no ichiban MST da. kore dame darou ne. ima, watashi
tachi hajimemasu.

[legal disclaimer here]
All etc etc (c) Rumiko Takahashi et alii. 19-something or other

[spelling disclaimer here]
All spelling mistakes (c) Rhialto 1998

-----------------
Ranma: so this ones about me too huh?

Rhialto: deshou

Ranma: Wonder why so many people write about me anyway.

Rhialto: shiranai. ano hito tachi wa omae suki darou ne

Ranma: Perhaps. Hey, whats with the Japanese anyway? I'm dubbed, so I
can't understand that right now.

Rhialto: sorry. I'll stop now.

Ranma: cheers pal.

If you take this seriously, you're obviously more deranged
than I am, or ever was, and that's saying a lot.

Rhialto: vraiment?

Ranma: oi! French is no better!

Rhialto: hehe

Ranma 1/2 was created by Rumiko Takahashi, and if she saw this she'd
probably turn over in her grave, assuming she was in her grave
(although if she was in her grave, she'd never see this, but let's
forget about that for now). I don't have any rights to the characters,
et cetera, et cetera.

Ranma: I'm confused. Is takahashi sama dead or not?

Rhialto: beats me. Why not read those Japanese newspapers of yours and
find out?

Ranma: Because right now I cant read Japanese dummy!

Rhialto: oh yeah.

Saint Ukyo

Ranma: shush. Its starting.

"Ranma!" the demon thundered, her sledgehammer ready to pound him into
submission for yet another minor transgression, "Come back here!"

Ranma: ooh! I'm facing the supernatural *again*

Ranma fled the wrath of the short-haired demon and her noxious
experiments
in what was loosely termed "cooking" (although that implied something
edible, which was not a term one could even charitably apply to Akane's
cooking). Ranma took one look at the (no, I refuse to call it food,
that's
just too much a travesty) mostly organic compounds (and even then I may
be
stretching it a bit), and ran, engaging in the "flight" part of the
"flight
or fight" reflex.

Rhialto: thats no demon, thats your fiancee!

Ranma: sometimes I wonder which is worse to face...

[offstage]
Akane: RANMA NO BAKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ranma: uh oh, I think she heard that

Rhialto: hey Akane, come on in, its a good'un. You missed the first few
minutes but.

Unfortunately for Ranma, this reflex didn't really have a destination

Rhialto: Sounds like Ryouga to me

in
mind, and so he found himself trapped in a corner, with the oversized
hammer and the mostly organic compounds being wielded by someone who
obviously had his worst interests at heart.

Akane: Doesn't P-chan also lose his way sometimes too?

Ranma: uh-huh. He does... just like Ryouga.

Just when things were at their darkest for Ranma, he heard...

Rhialto: a noise.

Ranma: a pin drop.

Akane: Don't be so nasty to the author! He does his best!

Harpo? No,

Ranma: He does?

wait... that can't be right. For one thing, Harpo was a Marx brother,
and

he didn't talk. For another, Harpo was dead, and you know what they say
about dead Harpos. Harp! That's the word I was looking for! Ranma heard
harps.

Akane: ok. maybe taht was a bit weak.

Saint Ukyo descended, come to rescue Ranma from the horrible life he
was
about to end with Akane, whose fury had surpassed apoplectic
proportions
some time ago.

"I have come to take you to a better life Ranma. One where you can
practise your martial arts, and feed on okinomiyaki whenever you wish,
lovingly made by me, you cute, dependable, unselfish, kind-hearted
fiancee," Saint Ukyo said with her kind, dulcet voice.

---
Ainsley: We now interrupt this MST to bring you a preview of next weeks
episode of "Can't Cook, Won't Cook". On the red team, we have Ranma
Saotome, heir to the anything goes school of martial arts and Akane
Tendou, owner of the anything goes school of culinary arts and
Ranma's...

Ukyou: ...UNCUTE!

Ainsley: ...fiancee. And on the blue team with have Xianpu, a charming
uncut gem from deep in China with a knack for ramen...

Xianpu: And Ranma's fiancee. oh Ranma, you like date with Xianpu after
show finish?

Akane and Ukyou: I'm taking him out after after the show!

Akane and Ukyou: no you're not. I am.

Ainsley: Girls, please, stop fighting. And finally we have Ukyou Kuonji,
heir to the okonomiyaki school of martial arts. It says here you also
make okonomiyaki.

Ukyou: The *best* okonomiyaki in Osaka!

Ainsley: Quite. And now, back to your regular MST3K
---

Rhialto: Dontcha just hate those commercial breaks?

Akane: hai
Ranma: yep

"Wait!" screeched the harridan Akane. "You can't be a saint! For one,

Akane: nani yo! atashi wa haridan ja arimasen wa yo!

Ranma: Akane, How come you can still speak Japanese?

Rhialto: yeah, how so?

Akane: Simple. I did well in English classes, so when we get dubbed, I
can speak Japanese as well as I could normally speak English.

Ranma and Rhialto: oh.

Akane: baka.

becoming a saint happens after you die!" Fire and brimstone came out of
Akane's foul mouth, escorting her harsh voice.

Akane: But I'm not like that!

Ranma: oh yeah?

*SPLAT*

Saint Ukyo looked perplexed. "You're right, o not-as-nice-as-I-but-God
loves-everyone-and-you-must-have-some-sort-of-redeemable-quality-althou
gh-I
don't-know-what-it-is-other-fiancee of my beloved Ranma. Whatever shall
we

Ranma: she has a way with words doesn't she?

*SPLAT*

Ranma: I meant Ukyou...

Akane: sorry.

do about that?" Saint Ukyo asked, her loving tones and words a balm on
Ranma's ragged soul. Merely basking in her divine presence was
rejuvenating him.

Akane: So thats how you feel about Ukyou eh?

*SPLAT*

The foul demoness smiled. "I know just the thing," she grated out,
hefting her hammer menacingly.

Akane: Wheres the author? aha!

*SPLAT*

A savage blow to the head, and it was over. Ranma quailed anew at the
sight of the fair Saint Ukyo's brains, bits of skull, and various other
bit of her head adorned the head of the evil Akane's hammer.

Rhialto: uh, splat?

Ranma and Akane: eww

"Now, where were we?" the evil one smiled.

Ranma prayed, asking Saint Ukyo to help him in his hour of need, and
it
came. The wall next to the hell-spawn Akane collapsed, and after the
dust
cleared, a figure could be made out. A figure holding...
...oh bugger,

Ranma: The Japanese Constitution?

Akane: The Magna Carta?

Rhialto: Two all beef patties special sauce lettuce pickles onions on a
sesame seed bun?

Ranma and Akane: huh?

Rhialto: sorry. I'm hungry.

Akane: I can whip something up quickly for you if you like.

Rhialto: umm, its ok, really.

Akane: Is there something *wrong* with my cooking?

Rhialto: no no no, not at all. I just don't...

*SPLAT*

Rhialto: ouch

Ranma: I really shoulda warned you, but I wanted to see that happen to
someone else for a change.

Rhialto: thanks

Ranma: Don't mention it.

can't remember the word. You know. Whatsisname again. The thingy. Holds
food. Takeout box! That's it! A figure holding a takeout box! And let
me
tell you, what a figure! Hubba-hubba! More curves than something with a
whole lot of curves. And the figure spoke.

Rhialto: as figures will.

Ranma: Unless the figure is called Harpic of course.

Akane: Thats 'Harpo', baka.

Rhialto: I bet a harpic wouldn't talk much in an anime too but.

"Nihao, Ranma! Shampoo come with too-too delicious Ramen for you. You
eat
and then take Shampoo on date, yes?" the figure (Shampoo, if you
haven't
guessed by now) bubbled out with glee.

The demon Akane

Akane: Stop calling me that!

had been underneath the collapsing wall, and did not survive.

Author: ok.

Akane: author no baka!

*SPLAT*

Ranma was so overjoyed that he was spared, that he exclaimed
joyfully, "No Shampoo, I won't date you. Instead, I'll marry you!"

Akane: Ranma no baka!

*SPLAT*

"Aiyah!" Shampoo ran to Ranma and gave him a near bone-crushing hug,
which
he returned. "Shampoo so happy! We go get great grandmother now! We no
pass
go, we no collect two hundred dollars.
We no even stop for regular opium delivery!"

Rhialto: we no take blood test...

Akane: we no speeka de Eengleesh...

Ranma: ...or Japanese.

Face it, we all know all about Shampoo and Cologne and about
their drugs, right?

Ranma: So *thats* where her squeaky voice comes from.

What else do you think these rare herbs and potions
are? Yeah, they supply to the yakuza, an in exchange they make a tidy
profit, and don't have to worry about Immigration on their backs or
anything.

Anyway, Ranma and Shampoo got married, and due to another miracle from
Ukyo,

Akane: Whats so great about Ukyou anyway?

Ranma: well, shes cute, she can cook, shes cute, she has a cool spatula,
shes cute, she doesnt call me a pervert, shes cute...

Akane: SHUTUP! Ranma no baka!

*SPLAT*

Rhialto: my, you're awfully found of taht mallet today Akane...

*SPLAT*

Mousse gave up on Shampoo and married Kodachi,

minna: poor mouse

Ranma: who is minna?

Akane: That means everyone, baka. Didn't you learn anything in class?

Rhialto: no

Ranma: you too huh?

Rhialto: err...

ho adapted his Hidden
Weapon style to her Rhythmic Gymnastics. Ukyo was beautified, and had a

Ranma: but shes already beautiful

*SPLAT*

Rhialto: shouldn't that be 'beatified'?

Akane: But surely thou dost jest? Methinks the author uses archaic
English and so maketh a pun.

Ranma and Rhialto: huh?

Papal investigation, which found the two events (Ranma's being saved by
Shampoo, and Mousse's marriage) to be miracles, and Ukyo was canonised
in due time, becoming a saint in truth.

Ranma: Fancy that. All those years and I never even knew she was a
Catholic.

-The End-

Rhialto: just when it was getting interesting too

Ranma: Yeah, maybe there will be a sequel.

Akane: don't be silly, this is a spamfic?

Ranma: But isn't a spamfic a de facto sequel?

Akane: Since when did you learn Latin?

Ranma: Ever read 'hidden talents'?

The moral of this story is that you shouldn't do drugs.

Akane: exactly. Shampoo does drugs and look what happened to her.

Rhialto: Yeah. her hair turned blue.
Ranma: Yeah. Her squeaky voice.

After all, if a
mind not on drugs could come up with this, what do you think a mind on
drugs could do?

Rhialto: Come sit down and smoke a pipe, and turn your brains to cheese
and tripel.

^_^


And now, as a special bonus, here's a trailer....

Rhialto: Hey, aren't trailers usually at the start before the film
itself?

Ranma: yeah, tehy are aren't they. This ones probably not even about us.
Let's go


[snip]
-------------------

I always wondered what language dubbed characters would call their
native language and thr language they are currently speaking. Hope this
clarifies things.


You may be wondering why I stick but on the end of sentences. You see,
its my favourite word but. Kinda like Japanese 'yo' in my personal
variation on the English language.

Ainsley is teh host on a British cooking TV programme. The kanji used
for Shampoo's name translate as 'lonely uncut gem'. They are only used
once, the first time Ranma says her name.

I may develop this cant cook wont cook idea farther when I have time.
Any ideas on who would taste the results?

seriously, The trailer sounds good, but I don't know enough about those
series.

+------------------------------------------------+
|Rhialto                                         |
|                                                |
|I know you understand what you thought I said,  |
|but I'm not sure you understand that what you   |
|thought I said is not what I meant to say.      |
+------------------------------------------------+

Ranma: Not a word of it.

Akane: baka