Overall, this one was very good. I liked what was done with the
characters. It was a little hard to believe that Ukyo would deliberately
give up a chance to date Ranma, but everything else worked very well.


"Donny" <chengdo@shaw.wave.ca> wrote:

	Ms. Hinako did her best to glare at the kids before her.  Despite the
fact that it ended up looking like her cute little face was only
squinting, the students quailed in their seats at it.

This sentence is okay grammatically, but kind of cumbersome.

 Experience has

Experience had

taught them all that you do not go against the wishes of the seeming

that you did not

	Akane pointedly did not look at Ranma.  Why hasn't he said anything

Why hadn't he

	Ukyo did not like the looks Ranma and Akane were passing to each
other.  She passed if off as the both of them having gas.  After all,
hasn't Akane told Ranma enough times that she didn't want him?  Time to

hadn't Akane

	Ranma tried his best not to freak out.  The only way to get free was to
forcibly push her away.  Any thought of doing that was lost to him when
he saw her innocent looking face.  She probably talks this close to

probably talked

	He asked her and that was all that matter.  Her frown deepened as she

that mattered.

	Ukyo grimaced.  He didn't have to be so enthusiastic about it.  She
didn't think she could bear it if she saw him tomorrow.  She didn't want
her face rubbed into her stupid decision even further.  "No, Konatsu
should be able to do it by himself.  Most customers are students anyway

Most of the customers

	Ukyo didn't even watch as Ranma left.  She could guess where he was
headed but denying it helped her gain a hold on her sanity.  Slowly, as
if her feet suddenly grew heavier about a hundred pounds, she walked

grew heavier by about a hundred pounds
or
grew about a hundred pounds heavier

	It was silly in this modern age of growing feminism, but she couldn't
deny the urge was there.  

Feminists tend to have those urges like everyone else (or so I'm told).

	She sighed at another lost chance.  A chance that she had foolishly
given away.  She really hadn't cared if Akane wanted to go with Ranma or
anyone else that mattered.  Just the look on his face was all that was
needed to make her decision.

Try going to an active voice instead of passive with that last sentence.

E.g. She had needed only the look on his face to make her decision.

	Why?  Because he called her cute?  Because it wasn't really his fault
for leaving her behind?  Because he didn't forget her?  Perhaps, it was
all those reasons or perhaps not.  What mattered was that Ranma was the
one that gave her back her femininity.  She supposed the dance was to be
proof of it to everyone, to Ranma, and most importantly herself.  If

Again, try using an active voice, e.g. She had thought that the dance
would prove it to everyone...

	Ranma held out an arm shyly as Akane stepped down the stairs to greet
him.  Akane did not look at all uncute to day.  Not uncute at all.

Today is one word.

	Akane smiled as she took hold of Ranma's arm and whispered
conspiratorially.  "Let's get out of here, fast.  Kasumi and Auntie is

Kasumi and Auntie are

	"Yeah, knowing them, we'd have to beat them off with a stick before
would could get them to shut up about the wedding."  The both of them

"would" should be "we", and take out "The"

	"Saotome, you cad!  How dare you take advantage of the lovely flower
that is Tendo Akane?  Have at you."  Kuno stared at the evil sorcerer,
enraged at the what he saw.  He immediately struck out with his bokken. 
Everything within the range of the wodden sword was crushed with the

wooden

	"Well, we can't dance with you looking like that."  She did not want
that ugly rumor of her to resurface at all.

	"Why not?  Everyone here knows that I'm a boy."  It was true.  It was

Except Kuno, of course.

	Damn.  Dr. Tofu isn't home.  There is no way Ranma was going to the

wasn't home. There was no way

Nekohanten, the next closest place, dressed in a tux.  It'll have to be

It would have to be

Ucchan's then.  She could see how Ukyo was doing that that sudden virus

doing with that

in the meanwhile.

in the meantime.

	"So, so."  Ranma said non-committedly.

"So-so,"

	"But doesn't everyone at the school know that you're a girl?"

No, everyone (except Kuno!) knows that he's NOT a girl.

	Ranma tried not to panic as Ukyo closed the gap between them.  Ukyow

Ukyo

wasn't having any problems with this?  Two girls close together in the
middle of her restaurant slow dancing.  Ranma smiled as she could feel
the other girl clearly fighting with herself.  Ukyo must be used to

must have been used to

	Ukyo was surprised to find her head looking over Ranma's shoulder while
her arms were wrapped around the very slim waist.  If only he was a guy

If only he had been a guy

	Ukyo reluctantly let go of Ranma.  Even if he was in girl form at the
time, it was still a very nice little dance.

it had still been a

	Ranma found herself regretting that she had to leave soon and rejoin
Akane.  It had been nice.  It made her forget why she wanted to get rid
of the curse if only for a moment.  She upended some of the hot water
over herself, now himself, and poured the rest into a thermostat that

You mean a thermos. A thermostat is something that measures temperature
and turns something on and off accordingly.

	Boy, she sounds sad.  She must have really wanted to go to the dance
with him, Ranma thought.  One more shouldn't hurt.  "Um... before I go,
do you mind if I have another dance.  It was different dancing as a girl

dance?


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics