"Thomas Schmidt" <Tschmidt@mailgate.tcon.net> wrote:

Hearts and Minds:  The most famous series on the FFML that hasn't 
actually started yet.

Heh. So as soon as I write part 1 and post it, I lose my claim to fame?
:-)

That last phrase doesn't flow quite right -- it almost feels 
unfinished.  (Yes, it's me -- the nitpicking has begun!)

Hey, nitpicks are very helpful. I'll think about how to change that, as
well as some of the others that I've snipped.

	"Heh. I'm pretty sure Akane don't want no more. Not that she'd
mind another kid around, but she hated being pregnant so much that I'm
pretty sure she won't want to do it again."

Foreshadowing:  Your clue to quality literature.

Actually, by now we're up to five or six shadowing....

JULES: I'm gonna walk the  earth.

VINCENT:  What do you mean, walk the earth?

JULES:  You know, walk the earth.  Like Caine in "KUNG FU."

Hiroshi: Hey, is this an MST?

Daisuke: Don't think so. These guys didn't make any really bad puns.

I certainly don't speak Japanese, but the phrase "Kami only knew" 
sounds like a distinctly western perversion to me.  Really, that 
doesn't sound any less false than if you made Ranma a Christian.

OK, didn't mean it as anything other than a clever little expression,
I'll think of something else to change it to.

Before now in the dream sequence, you've used a verb tense with "had" 
(I dunno what it's called), and after here you use simple past.  You 
need to be consistent.  I suggest you stick with "had" for the dream, 
as it would make it easier to tell what's going on later.

OK, I usually don't like writing long sequences in past perfect, but
this one isn't that long.

I'll mention this here:  you've got a really good Ranma/Akane dynamic 
going throughout the fic, with some excellent dialogue.  Ranma's 
coarseness seems especially appropriate, and not shying away from 
words like "cunt" (as most fanfic authors do) makes the character 
seem more true.

Thanks. I've been going for a Ranma and Akane who have developed
somewhat and are more comfortable with each other, yet still trying to
keep the unique flavor of the characters and the relationship.

	"Ranma no BAKE!" Akane hit him on the head with her pillow. "Get
up, I said!"

I think that's a typo, Gary.  Don't you mean bakA?  :)  (Please 
explain this gag, for those of us who don't speak Japanese.  Or just 
for me, anyway.)

Bake- is a Japanese prefix that indicates a ghost or spirit; as in
bake-neko, the ghost cat.

	"Good idea. We can go next weekend. In the meantime, stay a
woman. And stay away from the public baths; they'll probably explode if
you get near them."

	"Let's hope we get rid of this soon. You ain't gonna be happy if
I have to keep being a girl for a long time. Bad enough if I have to
take cold showers."

On that note, Akane really should be a mite more upset about this. 

I'll think about this.

And they stop trying to change him back into a guy awfully quickly; 
two coincidences aren't very much to base the kind of assumptions 
they're making on.  

Well, there is Hiroshi's camping stove... but you're probably right.
Actually the pre-readers were divided on this, so I left this scene
unchanged as a test to see whether anyone else would remark on it. Which
you've done, so I should probably add more instances before they figure
it out.

	Within seconds, it was over. *She beat these guys so easily,*
Ranma thought. *She must really be getting good.*

	"You beat these guys so easily, Akane!" he said. "They must
really suck.

Heh heh heh.

	"HUH?" Ranma looked at Hakano, at Akane, and back at Hakano.
"What the heck are you talking about? I never 'confided innermost
dreams' with Ucchan! I mainly just went to her place to eat!"

Feeling subtle today, are we, Gary?

Away with subtlety, man, this is satire!

	Ranma let  Hakano drop unceremoniously, and motioned to Hikaru.

Ranma and Akane don't seem very concerned about him getting hurt 
during the fight.  I think most parents of toddlers would take a 
little more care than leaving their child alone, on the sidewalk, 
while they assaulted their adversaries.

Akane didn't have much chance to do anything with Hikaru as she got
attacked and had to defend herself. Ranma, I suppose, ought to be more
worried about him. I'll put something in to that effect.

Kasumi answered in a voice not quite her own. "I am Feng Lili. I am
truly sorry for the distress I am bringing upon you."

Okay, I'm really uncomfortable with this plot development.  The 
problem isn't just that the girl who drowned in the Jusenkyo spring 
is talking to Ranma, though that's hackneyed enough.  It's that the 
idea's not exploited as anything but a plot device.  Why does Ranma 
keep the baby?  Because Lili wants him to, and that's reason enough.  
Make it a bigger part of the story or take it out all together; the 
cloying reference to "Lili's child" at the end doesn't work at all 
because we've hardly heard anything about Lili since we first found 
out about her.

I'll think about this. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of writing Lili
out, as it takes away much of the point of having the baby. I'm not sure
how it can be made a bigger part of the story. If you or anyone else has
any ideas as to this, please let me know.

I noticed this during the conversation with the doctor too -- your 
tendency towards minimalism in conversations is hurting you.  Ranma 
seems almost lackadaisical, and it doesn't feel quite right.  Give 
yourself rhythm with a little bit more description of characters' 
actions, motions, etc.  You generally do pretty good job at this, but 
be careful. 

OK, I'll work on this.

Ranma lumbered into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him,
and began doing all the usual things one did in a bathroom. He was
tired, for no good reason that he could think of. The differential
equations he had been working on were, if anything, simpler than 
last semester's line integrals, but somehow he couldn't concentrate 
well enough to finish them.

Do you really think Ranma could handle calculus?  Ever?

Sure, Ranma is no dummy. Besides, calculus is easy.

There was a pause. "Ever hear of the legendary brassiere of
Meiyouren?"

That's _got_ to be a pun on something, but I can't think what.

Nah, it's just Akane making up a fake name. "Meiyouren" actually means
"no such person," but that's just an in-joke that I don't expect people
to get.

It was sobering to think just how much he took his body for
granted -- never thinking about how easily something could go wrong
with it. And once it did, you couldn't just go down to a body shop 
and pick up a new one. 

Sure you can!  A trip to Jusenkyou'll do ya.  Really, this seems 
like a strange thought for shape-shifting Ranma to have.

I'm pretty sure Ranma wouldn't want to mess around with Jusenkyo any
more, other than maybe to remove his sex-changing curse. I don't think
he could use the Jusenkyo pools to cure a deformity -- certainly not
without someone telling him which one to use. Still, I guess I should
say something about that.

The doctor didn't mention that they could get an amniocentesis done 
and check for deformities before the birth?  What a strange omission.

Um... his HMO wouldn't pay for it? :-) Actually, just a case of author
ignorance.

That's a corny way to end the dream, I think.  It's fine up till the 
last sentence.

I see what you mean. I'll snip that off.

This Nodoka scene doesn't work at all.  Both characters sound like 
they're giving speeches, and the lack of description I mentioned 
earlier prevents us getting a real feeling for _their_ feelings.  
Work on it a little more.

I didn't like this scene either, really; too WAFFy for my taste, but I
couldn't come up with a better way to do it. Oh well, will work on it.

*Please... please make it stop,* he cried in his mind to any
power that might be able to hear. *I'll convert to religion...
Shinto... Catholicism... Scientology... anything you want. 

How about Raoism?  :)

Nah, he's not THAT desperate... :-)

For those of you reading this on FFML, yes, you too can join FFIRC
and... um, probably still have no idea what we're talking about. :-)

"Yes, but I trained for it, you jerk! I had Lamaze classes!"

Is there any reason Ranma didn't have those sort of classes?  I would 
think someone in his extended family would be thoughtful enough to 
realize that he might want them.  And if he didn't take them because 
he wanted to hang onto his masculinity or something like that, let us 
know about it.

OK, I'll add something to this effect.

Overall, this was pretty good, but not my favorite of the series.  

Thanks!

BTW, for anyone reading this: Since a lot of people have been picking
their favorite HaM Preludes, I've set up a poll on my web site for you
all to vote on them. Just look on the page in my sig below.

You do a great job of showing us the effects of Ranma's pregnancy, 
with your trademark humor and trademark gobs of foreshadowing.  Work 
on some of the extended conversations, and consider taking Lili out 
entirely.  (I really don't think that part of the fic worked at all.)

Thanks, I really appreciate the insightful criticism. You've given me a
lot of good things to think about when I work on the revision of this
part.

(I'm sending this to both you and the FFML, because I'm still not 
convinced it's 100% healthy and I don't want you to miss it.)

I appreciate that. I'd say the list is definitely less than healthy.
I've only gotten a few posts all day.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics