And now...what you've all been dreading.  The continuation
of Monty Python's Quest For Akane!  For the first four
scenes, go hit the Sound and the Furry home page at our
brand new location at: http://sound.maison-otaku.net/

                           -==-

[We see a 16th century Japanese village.  As we watch, the
 words 'People Who Offered Comments For A Cameo' begin to
 blink at the bottom of the screen.  Alske El'Din,
 Achariyth, Wender Wu, and Shaun P. MacIssac enter, wearing
 think cloaks that have "We Critiqued This Author's Work And
 All We Got Is This Lousy Cloak" written on the back and
 chanting.]

Monks: We do worship anime...and we got a cameo...

[The monks hit themselves in the head with small paper books
 and continue on their way chanting.  As we move on, we see
 a crowd of otaku pushing Shampoo towards a platform, on
 which stands Mousse. (Why isn't she kicking the lot of them
 to kingdom come? Because she has no inclination for-)]

First Otaku: We have found a bimbo. May we lemon her?

Otaku: A bimbo! Lemon her!

Mousse: A bimbo?  How do you know that?

Otaku: She looks like one.  Yeah, she does, doesn't she...

[The crowd trails off into drooling, which disgusts Shampoo
 enough to step up onto the stage. Mousse pulls his glasses
 down and peers through them at Shampoo.  Unfortunately, his
 glasses steam over as Shampoo is wearing (barely) a _very_
 tight t-shirt and a _very_ short skirt.  Mousse drools a
 bit and his hand clenches involuntarily, shattering his
 glasses.]

Shampoo: Shampoo not bimbo.  Shampoo not bimbo.

Mousse: [stuttering] But...your clothes...

Shampoo: Crowd dress Shampoo up like this.

[The entire crowd tries took look innocent and fails
 miserably enough that even Mousse can't miss it.]

Shampoo: And this not Shampoo skirt.  This skirt illegal in
         34 countries, plus China.

Mousse: [cloudy-eyed] Well...

First Otaku: ...Well, we did do the skirt.

Mousse: [dreamily] The skirt...

First Otaku: And the t-shirt.  But she's still a bimbo!

Otaku: A bimbo, a bimbo, lemon her!

[Mousse suddenly becomes alert and turns to the otaku.]

Mousse: Did you dress her up like this?

Otaku: ...Um...Yes...No...A bit...Yes...Well, it's the way
       she wears the clothes...

[Mousse starts to go over ways that the otaku could have
 gotten her into her outfit, but is brought back to the
 present by a fist in the face from Shampoo.  Shampoo looks
 warningly at Mousse as he comes out of it.]

Mousse: [to Shampoo] Um, right.  [He turns to the otaku] Why
        do you think she's a bimbo?

Second Otaku: She turned me into a slobbering idiot.

Mousse: An idiot?

All Otaku except Second:  AND HE HASN'T GOTTEN BETTER!

[The otaku break out into laughter for a second as the
 second otaku looks a little murderously at those around.]

Otaku: Lemon her, anyway!

[Mousse looks at Shampoo, then the crowd, and grins
 thoughtfully.]

Mousse: There are ways of telling if she's a bimbo.

[Ranma, Hiroshi, and Daisuke enter from one side.  Glancing
 up at the proceedings, Ranma holds up a hand to get Hiroshi
 and Daisuke to stop their sparring.]

Otaku: Yeah?  Like what?

Mousse: Tell me, what do you do with bimbos?

Otaku: Lemon them!

Mousse: And what do people in lemons look like?

Fourth Otaku: ....Um, they're cute?

Mousse: So how can you tell whether she's a bimbo or not?

Second Otaku: If she's cute?

Mousse: Good!

Otaku: Ah.  Of course.  Makes sense.

Mousse: So how can we best evaluate her looks?

First Otaku: Well, what if we...

[The First Otaku begins whispering in Mousse's ear, and as
 he goes on, Mousse's eyes widen.  Mousse looks at Shampoo
 with eyes widening...then sighs.]

Mousse: No, that's part of the lemoning itself, we can't use
        part of the punishment as part of the trial.

Otaku: Of course we can't...too bad though...yeah, it would
       have been...

Mousse: But there are other ways of deciding whether she has
        great looks.

Otaku: That's right!  Enter her in a beauty contest!  Let's
       go!

Mousse: Wait.  Wait, tell me, what is a more common form of
        the beauty contest?

Otaku: Um, talent contest?  No, no, no.  Dating...life...
       high school...

Ranma: A wet t-shirt contest!

[Mousse looks over and Ranma and nods sagely as Shampoo gets
 a look of dread on her face.  The otaku mumble
 affirmatively at the suggestion.]

Mousse: Exactly.  So, logically...

First Otaku: If she...wins the wet t-shirt contest...then
             she's cute...

Mousse: And therefore?

Otaku: A bimbo!  ...Water!  Water!  Fetch a bucket!

[The crowd quickly produces a couple of buckets of water
 ...and the stage quickly filled with Ranma, Shampoo, and
 Mousse, among others.]

Ranma: Hey, wait a minute.  Hold on...

Mousse: All right, begin.

[The buckets content's are flung from all directions,
 drenching the stage with predictable results.  Ranma-chan
 stands between a duck and a cat, and has a expression on
 her face that is somewhere between fatigue and
 exasperation.]

Ranma-chan: I should have known...

Neko-Shampoo: Mrow?

[Ranma-chan looks down and becomes aware of the cat beside
 her for the first time.]

Ranma-chan: ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!

Otaku: Well, the red-haired chick is beautiful.  Yes,
       definitely beautiful.  But that cat is so cuuute! A
       bimbo!  A bimbo!

[Ranma-chan has climbed top of one of the posts supporting
 the stage, with Neko-Shampoo sitting patiently at the
 bottom.]

Mousse: Quack, quack-quack....

[A villager handily begins drenching Mousse and Shampoo in
 hot water, restoring them to their normal forms.]

Shampoo: Shampoo guess it fair...

Otaku: Lemon her!  Lemon her!  Give her to John Biles!

[The villagers begin dragging Shampoo away towards a glowing
 portal as Mousse retakes the pedestal.]

Mousse: And I, sacrificing myself for my people, will go
        with her!

[Mousse points and we follow the direction of his point to
 see...Ranma-chan.  The villager finishes his job and
 restores Ranma.]

Ranma: Oh good.  I was just about to ask you to join our
       little group.  What is your name, brave warrior?

[Mousse blinks, then looks over as Shampoo disappears
 through the glowing portal.]

Mousse: Huh?  But?  Whu?  SHAMPOO!!!

Ranma: Then come along Shampoo.

Mousse: No, I'm Mousse, that was Shampoo...

                           -==-

[We come to a thin book with the words "Book of the Fanfic"
 on the cover.]

Voice: Mousse was the first to join Ranma's warriors... But
       other illustrious names were soon to follow...

[A hand turns the page to a picture of Kuno, posing.]

Voice: Kuno the Brave....

[A hand turns the page to a picture of Ryouga looking
 indignant.]

Voice: Ryouga the Pure....

[A hand turns the page to Gosenkugi, trying to avoid being
 photographed.]

Voice: And Gosenkugi-the-not-quite-so-brave-as-Kuno....

[A hand turns the page to show Gosenkugi behind bars,
 grabbing them while in the striped pyjamas.]

Voice: ...Who had once been arrested for stalking....

[A hand turns over the page to show Gosenkugi hiding in a
 trash can as Akane walks by.]

Voice: ...Who had almost asked the girl of his dreams out on
       a date...

[A hand turns over the page to show Gosenkugi getting beat
 on by Ranma.]

Voice: ...And has set a record for futility only exceeded by
       Kuno...and the aptly named...

[A hand turns the page to show Tenchi manacled to a lab
 table.]

Voice: Sir Not-appearing-in-this-fanfic.

[We pan back to see everyone's favourite pink-haired
 scientist in a nurse's uniform.]

Washuu: You were expecting Ukyou maybe?

                           -==-

[As Hiroshi and Daisuke spar, Ranma is talking to Mousse as
 Kuno bores Gosenkugi and Ryouga to death behind them.]

Mousse: And that is how we know the Earth to be
        lemon-shaped.

Ranma: Oh, I get it.  But could you explain again how that
       we're simply the toys of demented author wannabees
       again.

Mousse: [sighing] Shampoo...Oh sorry, of course.

[Kuno points to something ahead of us.]

Kuno: Look, my liege!

[The Tendo Dojo stands beyond the crowd in all it's glory.
 The sun glints off shining roofs, and the walls look
 freshly scrubbed.]

Ranma: The Tendo Dojo...

Ryouga: The Tendo Dojo...

Kuno: The Tendo Dojo...

Mousse: Shampoo....

[Ranma looks back at a weeping Mousse, exasperated.]

Ranma: Oh, shut up already.  Come, let us proceed to the
       Tendo Dojo.

Kuno: Wait!  What is that my liege?

[A oversized panda runs down the path, charging as fast as
 it's stumpy legs will carry it.  As it nears it holds up a
 sign.]

Panda's sign: Mom's visiting.

Ranma: On second thought, let's not go to the Tendo Dojo.

Everyone else: Right!

Ranma: It's a dangerous place...

[They turn to set off again but are interrupted by a overly
 bright light shining down on them.  Organ music sounds as
 the warriors look around, confused.]

Voice: Ranma!  Ranma...King of the Cursed Folk...

[Ranma looks unimpressed as everyone searches for the source
 of the booming voice.]

Ranma: Oh, come ooon.  That is sooo corny.

[The bright lights shut off to reveal one _really_ big
 speaker system.  A tall fellow with a pony tail and glasses
 comes out from behind one of them, swinging a microphone
 freely.]

TF: Give me a break, huh?  I can't write Takahashi into one
    of my own fics.  That's just going to far.

[The Ranma Crew glares and heroic fanfic author, Will
 McDuff! (God, talk about ego...) Quiet you!]

Will: Anyway, you're supposed to grovel.

Ranma: Give me one good reason.

[Will pulls a thick stack of paper from under his Montreal
 Canadiens jacket, and grins.]

Will: It's in the script.

Ranma: THAT DOESN'T COUNT!!

Will: Anyway, after all of this mindless prologue, I have a
      plot for you.

Ranma & Crew: Plot?  What's that?

Will: Sigh.  Anyway, look up at the expensive special
      effect!

[The camera pans to a vision of Akane in the clouds.  She's
 drop dead gorgeous, decked out to the nines, and smiling.
 (She's cute when she smiles.)]

Will: You must quest for the holy Akane!

Ryouga: Akane...

Kuno: Akane...

Mousse: [sobbing] Shampoo...

Ryouga & Kuno: GOOD IDEA!

Ranma: That baka tomboy?

[Will simply grins.]

Will: You'll regret saying that...

[Ranma poses heroically.]

Ranma: Oh yeah?  What are _you_ going to do about it?

Will: Me?  Nothing.  They, on the other hand...

[Ranma turns slowly to see Ryouga and Kuno glaring at him.
 Will quietly walks away, swinging the microphone around
 while noises of pain can be heard in the background.  He
 begins whistling then is suddenly hit from behind with
 something, catapulting him into the screen.  His face
 slides down dragging down...]

              MONTY PYTHON'S QUEST FOR AKANE!

              A Sound and the Furry production

                   Written by Will McDuff

                    Edited by Eric Jones

                   Thank you for reading!

                 Comments to badcat@uvic.ca

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Author's note:  Don't sue, I'm a university student, wait
for me to get out.  THEN sue.  Anyway, let's hope the next
one gets out a little quicker.  Oh, and thanks to the
soul(s) who gave me a vote in the last quarter of '97 for
the first part of this.  This time, all band together and
put me on the podium!  The power!  The power!  [Choke-gag]
Er, sorry.  Anyway, special thanks goes out to Joanne Shum,
who kept bugging me about this thing all through the winter,
and to Eric for helping slam through the problems, to the
Sound and the Furry for having me, to Maison Otaku for
having us, and to you the reader, who will vote me onto the
podium this quarter!  Kidding.  Sorta. ^_-

Will McDuff