In feminine speech, it would more likely be 'Atashi wa Ranko'. 

It would improve readability if you inserted more blank lines - it is hard
to read one big block of text on a computer screen.  If you insert a blank
line everywhere you indented - that would be just about right.

On Fri, 20 Mar 1998, Azusa wrote:

Here's my latest.  I don't know how many parts this one is going to be.  I'm
just typing whatever comes to mind
Azusa-chan



Azusa-chan
mimzy@ix.netcom.com
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction =)

Ranma 1/2 is the property of the wonderful Rumiko Takahashi.
All rights reserved.

*****Watashi wa Ranko*****
Part one:
I'm a girl!

I opened my eyes.  Where am I?  I'm looking up at circle of
faces that I don't recognize.  There's three young girls and
two adult men.

You keep switching between present and past tense. You need to be
consistent - stick with one or the other. In my experience, present tense
is significantly more difficult to write well, so I would suggest using
past tense. But regardless, you need to use _only_ one or the other. It is
very confusing when you switch.

   They looked worried.
   "Are you...okay?" asked a girl with short hair.  "I guess I
shouldn't have hit you so hard.  Sorry."
   "Who are you?" I asked.  If it were fair to make an
observation of oneself, I would say that I have a soft, pretty
voice.
   The girl glared down at me.  "You know damn well who I am!
You don't have to act like a jerk just because I hit you!  I
said sorry," she added, in almost a pouting tone.
   "What ever do you mean?" I asked.  I am at this point very
confused.  I don't know why she is acting this way.  "Can we
sort all this out in a civilized, womanly way?"
   The girl's eyes filled with tears suddenly.  "Oh.  Oh!  No!
Not again!"  She grabbed a pot that I suspected had already
been used to hit someone today, as it had numerous cracks in
it.  A metal pot!  She raised it over her head.
   "Sorry about this, but I have to hit you to get you to be
normal again!" she said.  I think she honestly meant it when
she said she was sorry.  But that pot looked hard and I didn't
want to mess up my hair.

It may just my personal preference, by you seem to be spending too much
time talking and not enough time with scene setting. I don't have any feel
for the people or the environment. Are they tall? Short? Fat? Beautiful?
Ugly? Scary? How old is 'young'? 6? or 20? What physical things lead to
that conclusion? Is the location inside - or outside? Does Ranko see a
ceiling? Or sky? How does Ranko feel physically? Is she laying on the
floor? On a bed? On a couch? 

The 'color' is missing. I have no emotional connect here.  This is
especially important in a amnesia type story - you have to get the reader
to identify with the protagonist and 'buy into' the premise.

Slow down the story - spend some more time on the scenery.

   "No!  Please don't hit me!  I'm against violence!  It's
unfeminine!"  I tried to back away, but the two men came
around behind me and grabbed my arms.

She is standing now? When did that happen? Was she standing when she woke
up?

   "I'm sorry about this, Ranma 'm boy."  It didn't much sound
like he meant it.  I started.  Boy?!
   "What do you mean?  I'm a *girl*!"  Just then, a pot was
brought down on my head and I couldn't see anymore.

I woke up, fuzzy.  I still didn't understand why that girl hit
me, but she was certainly violent!  I'll have to keep out of
her way.  She's liable to hit me for no reason.
   I tried pushing myself into a sitting position.  The second
I moved, I realized that she must have hit me even harder than
I thought.  I had a blistering headache.  I collapsed back
down on the futon.
   "R...Ranma!  Are you okay?"
   I rolled over slowly and looked up to see the violent girl.
"No," I said.  I know, I know.  Unladylike and blunt, but it
was true.
   "You...You're back to normal again, aren't you?"  The girl
looked worried.  I regretted thinking of her as a violent
girl.  It was mean of me.
   "What do you mean by normal?" I asked.  "You hurt me bad, I
think I may need medical attention."
   She immediately looked angry again, like a cat spitting and
hissing.  "What's with that whole soft voice?!  Are you just
trying to piss me off and make me feel even more guilty!?  I
mean...Uh...I..."
   "What is your name?" I asked.  "What's my name for that
matter?"
   "Ranma..."  She turned her head away, her eyes filling with
tears.  "You've forgotten.  I can't fix you like the last
time."
   "Ranma isn't a very feminine sounding name," I said.  "Is
that really my name?"
   The girl looked over at me, still sad.  She looked like she
almost accepted what was going on.  "Yes," she said, like a
sign on the breeze.
   "Could you please call me Ranko?  I think it's so much
cuter.  You still haven't told me your name...?"  I smiled at
her.  "We should be friends."
   "Akane," the girl said.  "I'm...Akane.  And I'm sorry for
hitting you, Ran...Ranko."
   "That's all right, Akane-san.  I forgive you."  I put my
hand on her shoulder to try to comfort her.  "I forgive you.
Just please don't be sad."
   "I'll get you something to wear," Akane said softly.  I
couldn't figure out why she was so sad.  She felt guilty, yes,
but there seemed to be more.  Oh well, she would tell me in
due time if she wanted.

Later that day, I was wearing a cute yellow summer dress.  I
thanked Akane for letting me borrow such a pretty dress, and
she winced.  I wonder why?
   I was properly introduced to the rest of the residents.
Akane said it was okay that I stay here, that I can sleep in
her room.  The two men were Tendou Soun, which was her father,
and Saotome Genma, who turned out to be my father.

'who was her father'

   They kept trying to dump hot water on me, but Akane came to
my rescue every time.
   "Don't traumatize hi...her!" Akane yelled.  "You *do*
remember what happened *last* time, don't you?"
   The other girls were Nabiki and Kasumi.  During the
introduction, there was a lot of whispering.  I caught the
words 'amnesia' and '*again?!*' a few times, but I wasn't
quite sure what was going on.  I didn't want to be rude and
ask, though.
   Akane told me that I shouldn't be going to school.  I
think it was just an excuse, but she said that I might get
hurt worse and forget what I had already learned.  She
hugged me as she left, and a lot was said in that hug.
   I wasn't sure what was going on.

When Akane got home from school that afternoon, I greeted her
at the door.  She looked a little run down and sad, so I
suggested that we go out and get something sweet to eat.  My
treat.  She agreed.

Ranko has money? How? Was she given it? Did she find it in her
clothes?
 

   We talked over parfait.  "Akane, why are you so sad?  I
don't know why, but when I think of you, sad doesn't seem to
fit in right.  Is something wrong?"
   Akane looked up at me.  She seemed like she was about to
say something, then she just looked back down at her ice-cream
and mumbled a brief 'no.'
   "If there is any way I can help, just let me know, ok?
We're friends, right?"  I smiled reassuringly at her.  But
Akane reacted oddly.  She got up without finishing her
ice-cream, and left the restaurant.  "How odd," I murmured.

Authors Notes:
Don't ask me why, but I have some kind of...fascination with
Ranma losing his memory and thinking he is a girl.  I don't
know why.  I guess because he is just as attractive as a he or
a she.  And it also gets more interesting when Ranma, who
usually is so insistent that he is a guy, acts like a girl.
Or maybe it's just my twisted sense of humor coming into play
=)  Let me know what you think so far =)

Its a good premise - (of course I think so - I wrote a story on a related
premise last year, 'Hello Again'). But you need to fill in the details.

Ranko is not doing any introspective thinking as far as I can tell. She
only seems to think about *other* people's actions. Her own situation
doesn't seem to enter her thoughts in any real way: Amnesia is
*frightening* to the victim, and yet Ranko doesn't even seem to really
notice, other than to be 'confused'. 

There is no 'presence' to the characters. They do things, but they
feel like 'paper cutouts' just going through motions - not real people
with real emotions. Add some 'color' to the characters and to the scenery
and it would help draw the reader in.

-- 
Benjamin Franz

"True programmers love Perl - it's kind of the floozy of programming
 languages - it'll talk with anything." -- Matthew Fuchs