Well folks, here's part two of They Call Him Mr. Happy. And if you
thought this fic was strange *before*...MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Let's just
say that I'm a bottomless well of weird shit, and leave it at that.
^_^
C&C...easy as MST...^_^ (runs for cover after that miserable joke)
Part Two: Baby Root
~~o *** o~~
Ryouga yawned and stretched as he walked out of the cinema. He had
to admit that there were some high points to his...travel habit. For
example, he had the chance to see lots of foreign films.
"Well, that was a great movie," he said as he strolled down the
packed sidewalk, adjusting his backpack. "But, it's time to go find
Ranma." As he headed for (he hoped) the ocean, having figured out he
was currently in America, he absently began singing off-key in
English.
"When you love a woman...tell her...hmm hmm hmmm...hmmm hmm
hmmm...."
~~o *** o~~
"Well, boy, you've certainly done it this time," Genma said.
Ranma, Genma, Soun, the three Tendou sisters, Ukyou, Shampoo, and
Kodachi were gathered in the dojo. Soun was fawning over Akane and
sobbing, while Akane looked completely embarrassed.
"Shut up, Genma," Ukyou said sulkily. "Don't blame Ranma for
something someone else did."
"What spatula girl talking?" Shampoo said. "Is no secret...Ranma
call Shampoo to room, make love Shampoo..."
"You're lying, Chinese bimbo!" Kodachi sneered. "The truth of the
matter is that my darling Ranma-sama asked me to spend the evening in
his bed, lying together in passion...OHOHOHOHOHO!"
"RAAAAA-NNNN-MAAAAAAA-KUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!! TELL ME THEY DO NOT SPEAK
THE TRUTH!!" Soun wailed, his Demon Head filling the majority of the
empty space in the room. "GO ON SON, I'M WAITING!"
"You dare call Kodachi, the Black Rose, a liar?"
"Crazy girl lying through teeth. Shampoo Ranma true lover and mother
Ranma child. You tell is no lie, Ranma!"
"Ranma-sama? Where?"
Ranma, for his part, was more of a wreck than anyone had ever seen
him. Or rather, her, for Ranma was currently in female form. Ranma
refused to turn male, and every attempt to force him to revert to his
true form had met with failure.
It was really bothering the residents of the Tendou dojo. They'd
seen Ranma deal with a lot of weird shit, and come out as cheerful,
boisterous, and smartassed as ever.
This time, however, Ranma wasn't bouncing back.
In fact, Ranma had become extremely cranky lately.
As Shampoo and Kodachi continued their argument, Ranma stood up
slowly. "Ara..." Kasumi said.
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "She's...glowing."
"Gee, I thought it was the *mother* that's supposed to glow," Ukyou
quipped.
Akane's eyes widened. "Ranma...?"
Ranma, surrounded by a flaming blue aura, walked slowly over to the
bickering girls. "Will...you...both..." Ranma took a deep breath, as
Shampoo and Kodachi ignored her, continuing to argue.
"SHUUUUUUT THEEEEEEEE FUUUUUUUUUCK UUUUUUUUUUP!!!" Ranma screamed.
"Aiyah! Ranma, is you okay?" Shampoo asked timidly.
"Harriden! How dare you, a lowly common wench, address the Black
Rose in such a manner? Why I should--"
"I SAID ZIP IT, BITCH!" Ranma yelled in Kodachi's face.
Kodachi scowled. "Exactly what are *you* doing here, anyway? You're
not claiming to carry my Ranma-sama's child as well, are you?"
Ranma bowed her head, her bangs obscuring her eyes, as her aura
intensified. She clenched her fists. "Having...Ranma's..." She
reached out and grabbed Kodachi by the hair, shaking her violently.
"*I* *AM* *RANMA*!!" She hauled the gymnast off the ground, and threw
her across the dojo.
"Ranma?" Akane asked hesitantly.
"Aiyah! Ranma tell crazy girl off good," Shampoo commented, smiling
cutely.
The smile faded somewhat as Ranma turned a half-crazed look on the
Amazon.
"Shampoo," Ranma hissed, "Get out. Get out of my face, get out of
this dojo, get out of Japan, and get out of my *life*. I never want
to see you again for as long as I live. Do you understand?"
"Shampoo no understand," The purple-haired girl said. "Ranma love
Shampoo, give Shampoo baby, yes?"
"You gave *yourself* the fucking baby!" Ranma screamed. "*ALL* of
you did!" The pigtailed martial artist began circling the assembled
group slowly, much like a shark around a lifeboat. "At least Ukyou
and Akane had the good grace to admit it, instead of tryin' to LIE
about it," she said. Ukyou and Akane looked down, shame on their
faces. "An' their babies are their problem, not mine," Ranma
continued.
"H...hai," Akane said softly.
"If...if you say so," Ukyou sniffled.
"But you, Shampoo...part of me wants to save you the trouble of
worryin' about your baby," Ranma continued.
"Aiyah?" Shampoo perked up. "You help Shampoo?"
"Part of me wants to help you alright. You won't have to worry about
the baby if I kill you long before you can have it, right?"
Shampoo paled.
"But I don't hit girls...not even lying, manipulative bitches like
you, the old ghoul, and Black Rose over here." Ranma sighed, her
battle aura diminishing slightly. "Just do yourself a favor and get
the hell out. Go away. Have your baby in your own damn village. Leave
me out of it."
Shampoo hung her head, and skulked out of the dojo. "This no is
over," she said softly as she walked out. "Shampoo not give up so
easy."
Ranma glared at her retreating back.
"Ranma? Are...are you alright?" Akane asked.
"Oh, that was a bright question," Nabiki said drolly.
Ranma whirled on them. "Please...not now. I don't wanna talk to
anyone right now."
Kodachi chose this inopportune moment to awaken, and focused on
Ranma. "R--Ran--ma?" she asked. "Is...is that really you?"
"Like I've told you about a million times," Ranma spat.
Kodachi leapt onto the shorter girl and glomped her. "Ranma-sama!
Oh, how terrible! I don't know how that red-haired witch has locked
you in this form, but I promise I'll help you deal with this!"
Ranma began glowing blue again. "Kodachi..."
The gymnast looked up. "Yes, Ranma-sama?"
"...no..."
Akane's eyes widened. "Masaka..."
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "This could be interesting."
Even Soun settled down to witness what would happen next.
"...BAAAAAAKAAAAAAA!!!"
Impossibly, a giant mallet appeared in Ranma's hand seemingly from
thin air. Kodachi barely had a fraction of a second to register
surprise before she found herself flying across Nerima.
Ranma blinked at the mallet as it vanished. "I need some fresh air,"
she announced, before leaving the dojo at extreme velocity.
~~o *** o~~
Ryouga was happy. The weather was nice, the scenery was beautiful,
and the lost boy felt like, aside from needing to find Nerima, he
hadn't a care in the world.
It was really too bad that he didn't notice the cliff he was walking
off of.
"What the--? YAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"
*THUNK*
~~o ONE WEEK LATER o~~
The same group that had assembled in the dojo was now together
again, this time in the waiting room at the hospital. After calming
down, Ranma had returned, and insisted that all four of his
"fiancees" be examined by an obstetrician.
The doctor, one Matsudaira-sensei, emerged into the waiting room,
holding a clipboard. "The...Saotome party?" she asked.
Ranma, currently male, nodded. "Hai."
The doctor furrowed her brow as she examined the clipboard. She
raised one eyebrow. "An...interesting case here," she commented.
Ranma shrugged. "Around here, you get used to it."
The doctor blinked. "If you say so. I take it the four girls
claiming to be pregnant are here?"
Each girl raised her hand.
"Alright. If you like, I can take you aside one by one, or I can
just tell the results here."
"Please...we want to hear the results from you, sensei," Ranma said.
The doctor nodded. "As you say. You are...the alleged father, am I
correct?"
Ranma nodded, frowning. "Not by choice."
The doctor shrugged. "Well, you might be interested to know that, in
fact, only two of these four girls are indeed pregnant."
Every pair of eyes in the room widened. "That's good news," Ranma
said. "Which two?"
"Tendou Akane, and Kunou Kodachi," the doctor said.
Ukyou breathed a sigh of relief, while Shampoo heaved a sigh of
disappointment. Kodachi began laughing maniacally, while Akane just
shifted nervously.
"Thank you, sensei," Ranma said, bowing. "C'mon, let's get outta
here," he said.
"So, the two restaurant harridens lied! Indeed, only I, Kodachi the
Black Rose, am the true mother of Ranma-sama's child!
OHOHOHOHO--*urk*"
Ranma's hand clenched tightly around Kodachi's windpipe as he
snarled, "Kodachi, shut up *right* now. You're very lucky I don't
file rape charges against you."
The doctor frowned. "Saotome-san? Perhaps there are...details you
wish to share with me?"
Ranma dropped Kodachi, and sighed. "Forget it. It won't change
anything--"
"I dunno about that," said a familiar voice from the waiting room
entrance. Tofu-sensei stepped into the room, pausing to frown
slightly at each of the girls present. "Ranma, I'd like to speak to
you and Matsudaira-sensei in her office, if you don't mind. Kodachi,
please wait here in the waiting room, alright?"
"Whatever for?" the gymnast asked, appearing genuinely confused.
"We need to talk to you after we talk to Ranma," Tofu told her. "The
rest of you can go home, if you wish."
"Why should I remain?" Kodachi asked. "What if I refuse?"
"I wouldn't advise that," Tofu said. "You see, we're going to be
discussing whether or not Ranma should press charges against you."
Kodachi blinked. "Press...charges? Whatever for?"
Ranma glared at her. "You know perfectly well what for," he said.
Akane looked nervous now as well.
Ranma sighed. "Pop, Tendou-san...why don't you go ahead and take
everyone else home? This may take a while."
The two fathers nodded, and quietly ushered the other girls out of
the hospital.
~~o *** o~~
"Unnnhhh..."
The duty nurse bent over the patient who had been unconscious since
arriving here. "How are you feeling?" she asked.
The patient slowly opened his eyes, wincing as the light sent
shooting pain through his head. He groaned. "Wh...where am I?" he
whispered hoarsely.
"Easy...take it easy. You took a terrible blow to the head. The
doctors nearly lost you. Frankly, all that saved you is your tough
constitution," she added, smiling.
The patient opened his eyes, and slowly focused on the beautiful,
young, blonde nurse hovering above him. He took in her golden hair,
her bright blue eyes, her soft pink lips, her...
Thoughts ran through his mind, slow and hazy at first, then...the
images and feelings began to feel natural, comfortable, *right*.
He smiled at her. "What is your name?" he asked in a soft lilt.
"Janine."
"Janine...such a lovely name," he said. "Tell me, Janine...am I in
Heaven, that I have such a beautiful angel seeing over me?"
Janine blushed. "No...you're in Marin County General, Mr..." she
frowned. "I'm sorry. We didn't find any identification on you..."
He smiled. "Quite alright. My name," he said, taking the nurse's
hand in his own, "is Don Juan." He lightly brushed his lips across
the back of her hand.
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