Hi there!
I'm sure some of you have expected it, but here it is: absolute proof
that I'm really insane. :-)
Bwahaha! This story is screwed up: totally inconsistent, half
of this doesn't make sense, the other half is implausible as heck,
and none of the characters are... well, in character. :-) Just
ignore it all. Goodness knows I do.
But it's a blast to write! Hope you have fun reading!
~Jadeite
lord_jadeite@geocities.com
PS: C&C is begged for. :-)
----------------------------
DISCLAIMER: Both the Sailor Moon cast and the Ranma 1/2 cast are
property of their respective owners. This ongoing
series is written as an ode to both stories and not as
some insane money-making scheme on my part. (I mean,
really...Who in their right mind would actually pay
money for this???)
-------------------------------
Jadeite smiled, his lips turned up in a cruel mockery of
the expression. Where there had been one Sailor Senshi before, there
were three now, and Queen Beryl seemed to blame him for it. No
matter, he told himself as he regarded his latest plan. There was no
way that *this* could fail. Her Royal Pain needed energy, and it
really didn't matter where he got it from. His nightly meditation
this night had pinpointed a spot in Tokyo which was brimming over
with energy just waiting to be harnessed for his nefarious purposes.
Looking down at the map that lay so innocously beneath him, he
wondered if those insignificant beings which overwhelmed this planet
realised just how important maps were in the pursuit of Universal
Domination. Oh well, he thought as he shrugged his broad shoulders,
their innocence will make this planet all the easier to conquer. His
evil mind filled with ambition, he turned down to the map, his fingers
immediately tracing the grids.
The Fourth King of the Dark Kingdom blinked as he looked down
at the map. Squinting, he brought his eyes closer to the paper,
muttering oaths which would have bought him several years of detention
had the Dark Kingdom ever had a public school system.
"I don't believe this!" he moaned, his bright blue eyes shutting
in frustration. "It's in Japanese, of all languages!" he muttered,
seeming to forget that he got the forementioned map from Japan, of
all places. :-)
"Great," Jadeite, the lowest King on the Dark Kingdom totem
pole whined rather wimpily as he thought. "Now, how in heck am I
supposed to figure out where Nerima is???"
--------
Introducing...
DARK KINGDOM 1/2: Jadeite Gets a Clue
a new Sailor Moon/Ranma 1/2 CrossOver by Lord Jadeite
lord_jadeite@geocities.com
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Bay/6220
--------
Kasumi Tendo smiled serenely as she looked up from her laundry
to see Akane showering Ranma with affection, namely in the form of a
mallet slamming into his head with incredible force.
Her sister grumbled as she walked over Ranma's broken body.
"Tomboy? Unsexy? Ranma no baka! Where does he get off saying stuff
like that? The JERK!" Kasumi shook her head slowly as she watched
her youngest sister go back into the house.
Turning back to the laundry, her smile grew as she realised
she had enough room to fit all of the clothes on the line this time.
Lately, she had been miscalculating and washing way too many clothes
at once. As a result, she would have to rewash, because no one wants
to wear clothes that have that faint, musty smell from sitting damp
for so long.
She looked to Ranma, who was sitting up by the side of the
pond, rubbing his head. She could hear him muttering something
about "so not cute psychopaths". Hiding her amusement, she called
out to him.
"Ranma-kun, will you be going to town today?" she asked as
she attached the last of the laundry to the clothes line.
Rubbing his head still, he stood. "Well, I guess so, Kas.
Um, whatcha need?"
Kasumi smiled as she seemed to magically pull a list out of
thin air. "If you don't mind, Ranma-kun," she gave him one of her
sweetest smiles as she handed him the list.
Hiding his grimace, he looked the list over. "Yeah, um, sure.
I'll be back later."
Kasumi felt a tad guilty about pushing such a long list off
on Ranma, but it just couldn't be helped. Things still needed to get
done, whether she felt sick or not. She could still do stuff around
the house, but truth be told, she really didn't trust herself to
walk all that way and back.
With a wave to Ranma, she turned back to the porch and started
in. So much to be done, she thought as she heard something crash in
the kitchen...
"Don't worry!" Akane yelled. "I'll pick it up!... uh.. where's
the broom?"
...And so little time, Kasumi rubbed her temples as she walked
into the kitchen. So very little time.
* * *
Jadeite cocked his head as he looked at the sign ahead of him.
"Uh... um..." he stuttered, wondering what the strange characters
meant. He had spent the last few minutes watching people from
various walks of life strut in and out. Although the doorway had
nothing to do with his current mission, the parade of people passing
through set his curiousity aflame.
"Haruka!" he heard a green haired nymph call out to a pretty,
blonde young man . Just like Zoisite, he thought indifferently as he
watched the boy run a hand through his hair.
The blonde nodded and followed the other girl into the room.
Jadeite, his curiousity overwhelming him now, followed the
young couple in, with all the arrogance he could afford (and being
the fact that he's a King, and Kings tend to be pretty darn rich,
well...you get the idea).
"HENTAI!!!!!" he heard a myriad of female voices scream as
he felt cold water hit his eyes, effectively blinding him. Like a
stampede of elephants, they rushed him, tearing his grey wool King's
uniform to shreds. He found himself outside the room, on his duff
as the blonde dumped a bucket of *freezing* water on his head.
With an undeniably female voice, the "man" gloated, "Hopefully, that
should cool you down...This was just a warning, buddy. Don't tresspass
in a woman's bath again." A very callous, and shockingly evil grin came
across the rather manly girl's face. She had obviously enjoyed that VERY
much.
Too stunned to react as violently as he would have preferred,
Jadeite could only nod dumbly, as his brain tried to figure out what
the heck just happened. With a shrug, he decided he would never figure
out these foolish humans. It's a religious ceremony, he told himself,
vaguely aware that he always catergorized any and everything he didn't
understand as that. But oh well, he thought as he got up from the
ground, it works.
Feeling slightly self-conscious, he walked along the streets
of Tokyo, trying to ignore the looks of pedestrians.
"Cool fashion statement, man!" A guy with a chain connecting
his nostrils to his ear gave Jadeite a "thumbs up" as he walked by.
"Mommy? Why's that guy naked?" asked a little girl with bright
purple hair to her mother.
"Ask your father." The obviously embarrassed mother asked as
she pulled her daughter along.
"But Daddy's not here!" she exclaimed as she shot a glance
back to Jadeite. Sighing, she let her Mom drag her off.
Jadeite looked down at the remains of his uniform, and
shuddered. "Not much there, is there?" he asked himself.
"Yeah, I'll second that motion," a blonde woman on a
motorcycle grinned, looking rather pointedly at a part of Jadeite's
anatomy. She looked away suddenly as she started her motorcycle up
again. "Woohoo! Orifice girl is NOT gonna win this time! Arigami,
here I come!" she screamed into the wind as she sped off.
I'm letting these barbarians get to me, Jadeite thought with
a blush as he gave his clothes (or lack thereof) a once over. Oh,
dang, he cursed as he decided to ignore Beryl's rules on teleportation
in such a public place, who cares? Opening a portal right then and
there, he stepped in and disappeared, leaving an oblivious Tokyo to
battle its busy schedule and a giant lizard with a baaaad case of PMS.
* * *
Jadeite looked around the men's section of the store,
grimacing as his eyes glanced over the rows of suits and
Yuppie-Wear (tm) lining the aisles.
"Nothing!" he shouted as he knocked over a row of Armani
suits. "Nothing!"
A salesman in a blue-ruffled horror stepped up to the King in
a Tantrum. His eyes glanced over the mess of expensive suits lying
in the dust. In a second, he was by the blonde king's side, trying
to talk over the shouting.
"Nothing!" Jadeite grumbled as he looked at the man next to
him. "There is NOTHING here fit for a King!" he complained,
conveniently leaving out (once again) the fact that he was the
lowest of all the Dark Kings.
The salesman's eyes lit up. "Well, you see, monseiur. There
is, but a reason for dat!" He straightened the nametag, which read
"Francois", rather pompously as he motioned for Jadeite to follow.
His sore humour relaxing just a tad, Jadeite followed Francois to
the back, only stopping once to steal a lollipop out of a child's
slobbery, sticky hand.
"Now, dis..." Francois grinned as he gestured to the clothing
just waiting in the back rooms. "dis, I tink, is what you have been
waiting for!"
Jadeite looked in horror as he fingered a woman's gaudy evening
dress.
"No, no, monseiur! For you, I would but recommend a charming
pink!" Francois suggested as he thrusted a rather garish salmon pink
deal into Jadeite's not-too-willing hands.
"Do I look female to you?" Jadeite glared, reluctant to admit
out loud that the pink dress would look kinda cute on him.
"No, no!" Francois eeeped. "But you said you were a Queen, no?"
Jadeite looked up in confusion. "A King. I'm a King," he
ennuiciated clearly, wondering what exactly the salesman was
thinking. But then, he told himself as he looked at the women's
dresses and lingerie hanging untouched on the racks, I don't think
I want to know.
"A King?" Francois pouted, his blubbery lips jutting out
rather unbecomingly. Suddenly, his eyes brightened. "Oh! The King!
Why didn't you say so, monseiur?" he grinned, the victory of a sale
in his heart as he gestured for the Fallen King to follow him.
"But you must forgive me, monseiur," Francois apologized
as he thrust a one-piece uniform into his hands. "I didn't
understand... Dis language, it is but a strange one." he smiled as
he watched Jadeite study the outfit.
Jadeite nodded, remembering that confusing incident with
those females earlier. Ok, he thought as he brought the one-piece
to his chest, surverying his appearance in a nearby mirror.
His eyebrows shot up. "This is not what a King wears..."
he mumbled uncertainly.
Francois, suddenly tense at the idea of losing a sale, pounced
in for the kill. "No, no, monseiur! Dis is what all Kings wear! It
is!" He looked Jadeite over. "And yes, monseiur, it will look
magnifique! It was made for you!"
Jadeite, confusion written all over his face, contemplated the
uniform. "But..."
"No, Monseiur. Try it on. It is what all the Kings wear."
Francois smiled, pushing Jadeite into a nearby dressing room.
"Try it!"
The fourth King nodded dumbly as he took the jumpsuit into the
small changing room. Several minutes later, Jadeite, clad in white
sequins and flaring bell-bottoms stepped from the tiny room. Although
the black pompadour shielding Jadeite's blond, wavy hair from view
was obviously a fake, the rest of the outfit looked pretty darn
attractive on a *ahem* body like his.
"Oh, monseiur! You look all so much the King!" Francois
gushed, pushing Jadeite in front of a mirror.
Jadeite shrugged, imagining the vain Kunzite or even better,
that clothes-horse Zoisite wearing this get-up. It would be pure torture
for them! he thought, a smile coming to his face, knowing that any
discomfort he earned wearing this uniform would be well worth it for
*that*. Still grinning at the thought, he handed the very happy
Francois his credit card. "I'll take it."
Glancing down at the name on the credit card, Francois smiled,
his mind finally grasping the answers to questions long wondered
(well, for the last fifteen minutes anyway). "President Clinton, if
you would follow me this way."
* * *
Kasumi leaned against the wall, her fingers gingerly tapping
her temples. The pain had gotten a lot worse since earlier. In the
other room, she could hear Ranma and Mr. Saotome beating their
chopsticks against the side of the table, yelling "Food, food!"
She couldn't help but smile at their enthusiasm. But, oh my!
she thought, rubbing her temples with renewed strength, I do wish
they would find another way to show their appreciation.
"Ranma! You dolt!" She heard Akane yell, adding to her pain.
"Can't you wait?"
Kasumi picked up the various bowls and started towards the
dining room, before things became even more painful.
"Fooooood!" Ranma drooled, his father even less dignified.
Kasumi summoned up all her strength and smiled at them.
"Hey, sis. You ok?" Nabiki asked as she served her own bowl
of rice. "You look kind of pale."
Kasumi smiled at the concern in her materialistic
sister's voice. "I'm fine, Nabiki. Nothing that a little rest
won't solve."
Although Kasumi's reply didn't seem to completely satisfy
her sister, Nabiki turned her attention back to the table,
undoubtedly trying to think of more ways to blackmail her future
brother-in-law.
The dinner was quite painful, but somehow Kasumi got through
it. The pain in her head seemed to increase with every whisper, and
it multiplied expontentially with every scream, yell, and
mallet-pounding which occured.
After dinner, Kasumi stood in the kitchen, washing the dishes
slowly. I really should leave these for tomorrow, she thought,
feeling tempted to just go to her room and wish the pain away. But
I can't, Kasumi thought as she continued wiping the plate
clean. An hour later, Kasumi finally finished her chores, her mind
wishing for nothing more than sleep.
With closed eyes, she found her way up the stairs to her
bedroom. Without bothering to change, or even take her apron off,
sleep enveloped her before her head even hit the pillow.
* * *
Jadeite grinned as he opened the portal to the Dark Kingdom.
It had taken him an entire day, but he had finally figured out the
path to Nerima. Jadeite talked to a lot of humans, asking each the
direction. The fools, he thought clenching his fists with triumph,
they gave the information so freely, and always with such a big smile,
too! Tokyo had to be the friendliest place on earth, he grinned,
Conquest with a Smile!
Suddenly, Jadeite felt rather awkward. But of course, hearing
a mob of giggling monsters standing behind you has the tendency to
do that.
"What are you wearing?" Kunzite asked as he whooshed right
past Jadeite, his cape sweeping majestically through the air.
Jadeite hid his grimace as he noted Kunzite's grey uniform. He
couldn't help but look down at his sequined jumpsuit with the flaring
ankles and wonder if that salesman gave him bad info. "Uh..." Jadeite
answered suavely.
Nephrite picked that second to stride into the room, chomping
down on a green Granny Smith apple. His eyebrows lifted as he looked
at Jadeite. "Didn't know you were into Elvis." Nephrite mentioned as
he casually turned a rather willing youma into a chair and sat.
"El..El..vis?" Jadeite stuttered.
"What?" Nephrite asked. "Feeling all shook up?" he seemed to
giggle (and watching a Dark King giggle, well...that's a strange
sight, to say the least), at what neither Jadeite or Kunzite could
tell. "Well, that's alright, Mama. So...whatcha been up to, you
ol' hound dog?" After this, Nephrite lost all semblence of composure
and just burst into a fit of laughter.
Jadeite's face glowed red as the anger started pumping through
his veins. "That's NOT funny!" Jadeite complained as he
blasted a heat bolt at Nephrite. But then, Jadeite had never been
one to harness his anger, so his aim was just a little off.
Nephrite looked at his very freshly roasted apple and saluted
his fellow King. "Well, thanks! I've always loved my apples best this
way!" Still laughing, he walked off, noisly enjoying the apple.
Jadeite grumbled as he stalked off to his quarters, hoping
that Zoicite didn't hold a monopoly when it came to making Nephrite's
life miserable. With a last grumble, he threw himself into his
somewhat barren closet, hoping that he had another uniform to wear.
A few minutes later, he stood before full-length mirror, letting his
hands run across the chest of his uniform.
"A tad tight," he admitted, sucking in his gut. Pleased with
the rather handsome image he presented, Jadeite's face broke into a
smile. Unfortunately, his enthusiasm caused him to take a breath. As
his buttons (big ol' black plastic ones that he had painted a gaudy
yellow in a fit of boredom) went flying, he slapped his forehead
hard. Deciding to ignore the big, red palm print right above his
nose, and the missing buttons he just stuffed in his pocket, and a
thoroughly rotten mood, Jadeite opened a portal. Better get out
of here, he thought, before Queen Beryl figures out I returned.
Stepping through the black hole, he found his way back to a little,
unsuspecting district in Tokyo called Nerima.
----End Part One----
Hope you liked it! I'm not shooting for accuracy, just a good time...
(Do I sound like the ultimate hedonist, or what? :-) Let me know if
you had fun with this baby, please!
Anyway! Thanks for reading this lil' rambling of a madwoman!
Happy writing! :-)
Thanks!
Jadeite
lord_jadeite@hotmail.com
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Bay/6220