This was written for the Samurai Shodown/Spirits ML; just wanted
to share it with you (especially since I haven't written much of anything
humorous as of late). I suppose, to fully appreciate it, you would have
had to have seen the messages in question. However, I do believe that you
can infer what was contained within them and why they were so offensive.
	Trust me. You're better off not seeing that filth firsthand.


Written in March, 1998. In response to a pervert (whose name will not be
mentioned) on the Samurai Shodown Mailing List.

Mwa-ha-ha-ha.


Samurai Shodown: The Mailing List Incident
-or-
Don't Irk the Ladies
by Andrew Huang

---------------------------------------------------------------------

  Charlotte walked into the lounge of the training hall, stepping over
the curled-up form of Cham Cham, who was snoozing in a sunbeam near the
doorway. She noticed the two Ainu sisters sitting at the computer
terminal at the other end of the room. Rimururu was giggling, while
Nakoruru was emitting a bit of a battle aura.

  "What iz ze mattair?" lilted the French swordswoman, striding over to
the two girls.

  "Look at this!" seethed Nakoruru. "And ditch the accent. The joke's
old."

  "Right, right."

  "Hee hee...some pervert on the Samurai Shodown Mailing List wrote this
message!" Rimururu pointed at the screen with glee.

  "Mm, subject line...'Charlotte or Nakoruru'?" Charlotte's gaze
traveled down the screen. "Wha--'Who would you do?'" She smacked a hand
to her forehead, chuckling a bit. "Some guys just have no life."

  "Aren't you insulted? I mean--"

  "Calm down, Oneesan. Charlotte doesn't seem to have a problem with it.
I still think it's kinda funny." Konril, the ice crystal, bobbed up and
down in seeming amusement along with its master.

  "What's funny?" A now-awake Cham Cham padded over to the other three
on all fours. She yawned magnificently, pausing to scratch behind her
ears.

  "Never mind," fumed Nakoruru. She hit the 'n' key, for the next
message.

  Charlotte's eyes narrowed. "Eh...'Statutory ra--'"

  "WHAAAAAT!"

  Nakoruru fell to the floor. "Not so loud, Rimururu!" She looked up at
the screen. "Oh, geez."

  "THAT SICKO!" This time, Rimururu was emitting the battle aura.

  "And how come, now that it's _you_, Little Sister, is it so bad?"

  "Because...because...! Ooh, I'm gonna...."

  Charlotte was now frowning. "This was a lot cruder than the other one,
certainly. It's not that funny this time."

  "Cham Cham is confused," said the catgirl. "What is statutory--"

  "Never you mind. Next message." *tap*

  *blink*

  The room was now nicely lit up with three battle auras.

  Konril almost melted.

  "Wet...wet dr--"

  "Hm? Why is Cham Cham not mentioned? And what is a--"

  "'Hoping Charlotte marries me!?' Not in a million years!"

  "I'm gonna freeze his little--"

  "What a PERVERT!"

  "--off and break it into itty bitty PIECES!"

  "Wait...this guy doesn't think Cham Cham is pretty?"

  A silence fell on the group.

  "I think we should pay him a visit."

  "Good idea, Little Sister."

  "What about Mizuki?"

  "Nicotine exorcized Mizuki, but Bizuki is sweeping the temple
grounds."

  "Cham Cham want to hurt this guy too. Cham Cham just as pretty and he
forgot...."

  "Forget Bizuki. She's too nice. Let's go." Charlotte reached for her
rapier, but was stopped by Rimururu's hand on her arm.

  "No, not that. Take this," the ice maiden said, tossing something at
Charlotte.

  The blonde fencer staggered.

------------------------------------------------

  If one were standing by the Samurai Shodown Official Training Hall
(tm) one fine afternoon, that person might see four young women come
out. He would observe that the already bright day would become even
brighter, due to the glow surrounding the four ladies--an impressive
group battle aura. He would also note something carried by all four of
them. Weapons.

  Not the usual weapons, though. No rapier, no short swords, no
boomerang.

  No, they would be hefting something different this time. Something
larger. Something heavier. Something...more painful.

  Big wooden mallets. The choice of offended females.

  There was a hawk, following them, gripping a mallet in its talons.

  There was even a large chunk of ice in the shape of a mallet floating
along, also following.

  The observer would also see that they all were very...intent.

  Searching. Definitely searching. For someone.

  The observer would be wise to step out of their way.

------------------------------------------------

  "Damn! I just saw the girls outside...they were pissed!" Galford
hurried in, casting a glance backward over his shoulder.

  "I think I know why, Galford-san." Shizumaru gestured to the computer
screen, his face grave. "I believe they are about to...er...get...
Heian...on someone's donkey."

  Scratching his head, Galford answered, "Um, dude, I think you mean
medieval. It's, 'get medieval on your ass.'"

  "Forgive my ignorance. Being Japanese, I am afraid that I do not know
these American sayings."

  "Cripes, Hisame, you're so polite it scares me." Haohmaru emerged from
the training hall, sucking down alcohol.

  "So, it is, 'get medieval on your donkey'?"

  "Ass! Your butt!"

  "Oh."

  "Anyway--what were you talking about?" Galford looked at the computer
screen.

  There was silence.

  There was a loud *zap*.

  "$#!+--Galford, you fried the computer!"

  "That guy--said--about Nakoruru--" Galford was now turning shades of
what is known as "Enraged Purple" in the Super-Extended 1024 Color
Crayola Crayon Box.

  "What the hell is going on? Hisame--"

  Shizumaru walked over to Haohmaru and whispered something in the older
warrior's ear. Haohmaru did something unprecedented.

  He dropped his sake jug.

  "He said that about CHARLOTTE!? No one talks about a friend of mine
like that!"

  "Nor about Rimururu," agreed the spiky-haired youth grimly, gripping
his umbrella, then casting a glance behind him. "Ah, Galford-san, you
might want to start breathing again...."

  There was a whoosh of air as the color on Galford's face now
approached a dark hue of puce.

  "Right," growled the American. "We're going to go off and--"

  "Get Tokugawa on his livestock?"

  "Get Toku--medieval on his ass. Yeah. Come on, Poppy. Fresh meat
tonight."

  "Woof."

  The phrase for the day is, "World of Hurt."

------------------------------------------------

  Notes: The Heian era was around AD 800-1160 in Japan. The Tokugawa
period encompassed 1600-1867.

  That was fun. ^_^


>From Andrew Huang, brought to you by his computer, Oddzilla
Oddzilla says, "Mmmmm...Evanjellydonut...."
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang/
Harvard Anime Society, President