rbarnes@moscow.com (Bob Barnes) wrote:

    "We didn't find him. We finally caught that Kuno boy
and managed to beat part of the story out of him. It seems

I doubt you'd have to torture Kuno to get him to talk; the trick would
be to get him to stick to the point.

    Soun turned his head, slowly, to look at Kasumi. His
face softened, just a bit, and he said, "You are correct,
Daughter. I'm just so... angry at that little... at Ranma.
You should blame him." 

    Kasumi looked confused. "But Father, he's not even
here, and he didn't say anything at all, just now. I don't
understand." 

Yeesh, that's pretty stupid even for the "dumb" Kasumi.

    Akane's voice cracked out like a gun shot. "Daddy,
DON'T!" Startled, Soun looked up at Akane. "Daddy, Ranma
wrote that note to me. It's mine! Give it back to me, now!" 

"Jeannette is MINE! MINE!! Nyaaaah!!"

    "What Violent Pervert Girl say to Shampoo? Grr... No
have time for this. Shampoo hear Husband run away. Is true?"

    Akane barked out a humorless laugh. "And which husband
would that be?" 

"Shampoo not remember name. Hear about on Jerry Springer show."

    Akane didn't answer. She was watching Shampoo very
closely and standing very still. She looked... relaxed. Not
a defensive posture. More like the way... Ranma... always
stood during a confrontation. 'That's ridiculous!' Nabiki
thought to herself. 'Still, she's relaxed. Why isn't she all
stiff and angry? Why _does_ she remind me of Ranma, right
now? She isn't even clenching her hands into fists. I don't
get it.' 

Best not to mix Akane's and Nabby's thoughts in the same paragraph. It's
a bit confusing.

    "What you mean? Ranma's mother fine. No hurt by little
bombs at stupid wedding." 

    "You don't get it, do you, Shampoo? That wasn't a
wedding just for Ranma and me. That was a ceremony to join
the Saotome and Tendo _families_. You didn't just attack me
or Ranma. You attacked the families. Listen up, Shampoo, you
need to know this. Ranma is a very nice man, so he hasn't
made a big deal out of this. He takes the business of family
honor very, very seriously and you attacked both the Saotome
and Tendo families. You should study a little Japanese
history. That was an act of war against the most important
thing in the world to Ranma. He's not your husband, at all.
You have made him your enemy!" 

I hope dear, sweet Ucchan is going to take her share of this abuse.

    "Shampoo, we Saotomes and Tendos have fought common
enemies side by side with you and other Amazons. We have
been allies and close to friends. We saved you from the cat
ghost and that wasn't easy to do. Ask yourself why we did
that.

As Ranma said (Viz translation), "I fought to save MY BUTT, you idiot!"

    Nabiki felt a surge of dread. She hadn't thought of
that. Shampoo was so cute and well... fluffy, most of the
time it was hard to think of her as a potential killer.

This from the one who has to pay to fix Shamps-sized holes in the wall
everytime she visits? :-)

    Nabiki was ambushed and dragged away at the gate of the
school by several of her classmates and business partners.

Hope you don't mean this literally, or it's major lawsuit time!

    'Damn, the one person guaranteed to ignore anything the
least bit subtle. Oh well, it had to happen sooner or later.
It's showtime!' she thought to herself. 

HEY! That's unfair! Kuno's capable of ignoring the obvious, too! :p

    "Saotome," he growled to himself. "You've trapped her
somehow. What have you done to her? To her family? Somehow
you have forced her to deny her love for me. This cannot be
borne! Steps must be taken. I must find out... make plans...
take action. Yes! Be brave my love, I shall rescue you! The
vengance of heaven is slow, but it is most certainly sure!
No matter the cost, I shall prevail!" He set out for the
locker room in the gym. He must wash and dress more

He had to wash, or he needed to wash

presentably. He was a man with a mission. The shock induced
period of lucid thought hadn't lasted very long, but then,
it never did. 

That last sentence seems quite unnecessary. I'd suggest dropping it, or
at least making the point from a Kuno perspective. Like: Obviously he
too had been deceived by Saotome's evil influence, but it hadn't lasted
very long.

    Nabiki was still confused, and she liked it even less
than she had that morning. Because she and Akane were in
different classes she couldn't keep an eye on her little
sister herself. By all reports, Akane seemed alright.
Perfectly normal, in fact. She even handled questions about
Ranma rather well. She just laughed at the more outrageous
rumors. Like the one that had Ranma eloping with the pig-
tailed girl.

Since Ranma's first fight with Mousse, everyone at the school but Kuno
knows that Ranma is the PTG.

    Nabiki just stood there looking at him silently. 'It's
working!' he exulted to himself. 'The mercenary bitch is
going to do it.' Kuno decided to go on. 

Whoa! I can believe him thinking something to this effect, but couldn't
he find a more Kuno-esque way to express it?

    "Well, uh... this morning on the way to school, Akane
and I ran into Shampoo... sort of." 

    "Um. Well, Akane kind of accused Shampoo of trying to
murder Mrs. Saotome at the wedding and kind of... well sort
of maybe might have started a blood feud between us and the
Amazons... sort of..." Nabiki's voice trailed off, weakly. 

The "kind of... sort of..." stuff doesn't sound much like Nabiki, even
if it is only meant to bait people. I think more likely she'd just
mention what Akane said as if it were no big concern of hers... and
maybe make Genma pay through the snout to find out exactly what was
said.

    "W*H*A*T!" shrieked the three adults in unison,
followed a half second later by Kasumi's contribution, "Oh
my!" 

Kasumi's not an adult?

    "Oh, no no no no no no no... you didn't really say that
to Shampoo, did you?" Nodoka this time. 

    "Well, yes, Akane dear, but that's not the sort of
thing that would start a blood feud. They were very little
bombs, after all. I don't think they meant to hurt anyone,"
Nodoka said plaicatingly, as if convincing Akane could
change things. 

Now, neither of these sound like Nodoka to me. She more than anyone
ought to be in favor of upholding family honor no matter what the cost.

    "Stop that, you old fool!" shouted Nodoka, insultingly.
She had been pacing and fingering her katana as Akane and
her father talked. She drew the blade an inch out of the
scabbard. "You need to think about what you are saying.
Akane is absolutely right! We _are_ both traditional
families and fiercely proud of it! We hold to the old ways,
even when it isn't comfortable. You may need a little
reminder of what bushido really means husband, hmmm?" 

Now THAT'S Nodoka.

    "HA! So she did, but only after attacking Akane and
doing a few million yen worth of damage to this house!" She
drew the sword and used it to point to a spot on the wall
with slightly discolored plaster. "Didn't that barbarian
smash a hole through the wall right there? Kasumi-chan told
me all about it!" 

    "But... but... Nodoka-san, that was a long time ago!"

Actually, Shamps smashes a new hole everytime she comes over.

    Thinking of what had happened to Akane seemed to
agitate Nodoka even more, if that was possible. She started
pacing and ranting again. "We might be about to be attacked
by a horde of Amazon warriors thirsting for our blood and
you two want to leave town?" 

"Yeah! As soon as possible, please!"

    Nodoka stopped and looked through the windows at the
outer wall as if she expected the horde to arrive any
minute. "You are going to leave four helpless women to fend
for themselves under a possible onslaught of Chinese
killers?" 

"Yup! Pretty much!"

    Today Akane was bolting wooden planks to the stanchions
to make what looked like the walls of a small hut, or
something. As usual, Nabiki asked what she was building.
Akane just smiled and said, "It's a surprise." Also as
usual. When Akane finished tightening the last bolt of the
plank she was working on, she used a ballpeen hammer to
round the ends of the bolts and flatten the threads. "There,
that'll do it," she said when she was done. "The only way
that's ever coming off is if someone uses a hacksaw or a
heavy duty bolt cutter on it." 

Or if any one of a dozen super-martial artists gets to it...

    Nabiki shivered a bit as the realization grew into
utter certainty. Akane was a lot of things, but one thing
Nabiki had never, ever thought or suspected about her sister
was suddenly as clear as a light shining out in the night.
Akane was, under the right or wrong (depending on your point
of view) circumstances... _dangerous!_ It was a breathtaking
realization, and one that she'd have to think long and hard
about. 

There's a joke here about "If she had half a brain..." but I'm not gonna
make it. :)


Okay, general comment time: On the plus side, it's a very nice job on
the writing. I like what you're doign with Nabiki, and I like the fact
that Shampoo is showing signs of possible development.

OTOH, I don't understand why Akane is basically letting her pretense
drop. It seems to me she could be doing pretty much the same things that
she is here, but showing different (apparent) reasons for them, ones
that are more consistent with the fake personality that she's been
showing up 'til now. Actually, I like the old Akane better than this
one; it's easier to sympathize with a character who isn't as perfectly
in control of herself as this one seems to be.

And as I said before, where's Ukyo? She bombed the wedding too, ya know!

That's my $0.02; seeya next time!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics