NGE Spamfic!
Thought I'd give it a try! Teehee.
All rights pertaining to Neon Genesis Evangelion and characters
involved goes to GAINAX/Project EVA * TV Tokyo * NAS.
NGE Spamfic,
Neon Genesis Exterminator
By Sailor Alpha
14th angel, Zeruel is seen attacking Tokyo-3, launching
multiple t-cross attacks.
Announcer watches the Angel, drinking NERV coffee (TM)
when somebody shouts off-screen, "PSST! You're on air!"
Announcer spits out coffee, "Huh? Oh sorry!" He quickly
prepares as camera pans towards him.
Announcer: "Having trouble with Angels? Can't get rid of
them, no matter what you do? Well, worry no more, for we have the
solution! We are Neon Genesis Exterminators! Created exclusively by
us at NERV! We can eradicate any Angel for a flat fee of 200,000,000
yen! We're excited to be able to provide you a live broadcast of what
we can do."
Announcer gestures to Zeruel who t-bombs a building near
him, showering him with debris. Announcer brushes dirt off his suit,
and shakes hand at the Angel.
Announcer: "You're asking for it, pal! Call in Exterminator
01!"
A large aircraft appears overhead, and a large symbol of an
angel (real one) painted inside a large red circle with a red diagonal
stripe over it on the underside of its wings. It is carrying EXT-01,
brightly painted in green and purple. EXT-01 disconnects from the
plane and plummets to the ground.
Announcer: "We are proud to present the most advanced Angel
Exterminator technology in the world! Exterminator 01! It can--"
E-01 crashes into a tall building, and demolishes it. It lays
there for a moment, moaning.
Announcer shouts at the purple robot. "Hey! Watch what
you're doing, you his
head.
EXT-01 is back on its feet and advancing towards Zeruel. It pulls
out its progressive knife which emits a humming sound.
Announcer" Ah, here we go. As I was saying, Exterminators
are fully equipped to handle with any form of Angels. You can see
that EXT-01 has activated its most efficient weapon, Progressive knife.
Listen to that sound! It'll--"
Sounds of dogs yelping is heard in background.
Announcer: "Oh right. Dogs' ears are extremely sensitive to
this sound. I'd recommend that you insert earplugs in their ears to
prevent haring loss. Now back to the story, let's see how E-01
handles this Angel."
Camera pans back so we see the battle as well as the NERV
announcer. Zeruel T-bombs EXT-01 who side-steps them easily and tries
to cut up the Angel with its knife to no avail. The Angel knocks EXT-
01 into seven buildings.
Announcer: "Oh, too bad about the buildings. Hope nobody
were inside them..."
The robot then expands its own AT Field.
Announcer: "Ahh, that's one of our innovations. AT Fields
can neutralize Angels' similar fields, rendering them susceptible to
harm. We will now watch the Angel as it attempts to thwart our
attempts. Of course it will be useless."
Zeruel unfolded its aluminum sheet arms, snapping them like
whip at the purple monster it saw. A moment, the Angel attacked, its
arms lashing out at the robot.
Announcer: "Watch how EXT-01 handles it..."
Zeruel shears an arm off the purple robot, the one-armed living
machine falls backwards into a building, blood spurting out of its
missing arm. The amputated arm, on the other hand, goes flying and
lands upright, forming a grotesque display.
Announcer blinks: "Huh? That wasn't in script. Lemme check
it out."
Announcer grabs a pad of paper and leafs through it,
muttering. In background, Zeruel zaps the Exterminator's body,
exposing the core. It then attempts to perform a open-core surgery,
and Announcer is extremely agitated.
Announcer: "No, no, NO! That's not in the script! Damned
Angels- they always mess things up! What's with that stupid robot
anyway?!" He picks up a megaphone and screams at Zeruel, "Hey
you! You don't have the right to do that!"
The Angel produces a paper certifying that it has diploma in
open-core surgery, and therefore is capable of attempting the feat. The
certificate is signed by Angels Inc.. It then goes back to the operation.
Announcer: "It can do that? Now what? If Angel beats EXT,
we'll be humiliated..."
Exterminator 01 suddenly reactives and punches the Angel
away. It struggles to its feet, despite its bleeding wound.
Announcer jumps around, happy: "Yes, go for it, EXT-01!"
EXT-01 picks up a couple of cars and crams them into the
empty slot where an arm used to exist. In moments the arm is
regenerated.
Announcer turns to the camera: "You're witnessing an
incredible feat- EXT are totally capable of cloning body parts in case
they are cut off! Now let's see if Angel can top that!"
EXT-01 utters a piercing scream and goes berserk!
Screams are heard off-screen: "On no! EXT-01's gone berserk
again! Everybody run for your lives!"
Announcer looks at the camera: "Now, now, there's no need
for panic. It's perfectly normal. It has already happened before, no
need to worry about it. Just watch it as it eliminates the Angel. Pretty
soon, the 14th Angel will be no more! Only four left to go!"
The Exterminator runs head-first with a progressive knife
ready until it crashes into Zeruel. The robot stabs the Angel
repeatedly.
Announcer: "NERV guarantees no mess, no hassle, and no
trouble at all! Just one flat price of 200,000,000 yen!"
In background near the Announcer, members of Animal
Rights Organization protests the slaughter of Angels. "Protect the
Angels! Angels are Endangered Species!"
Announcer fires few shots from his gun over people's heads
to scare them away. He does not notice camera watching him: "Who
invited them in anyway?
EXT-01 throws away its knife and begins pulling Zeruel apart.
An arm and armor plate goes flying. Blood spurts out.
Announcer returns to camera and sweatdrops: "Uh, did I say
'no mess'? I meant little mess..."
A giant red gusher of blood jets into sky as EXT-01 impales
the hapless Angel.
Announcer: "Whoa, that's a lot. I had no idea that Angels had
THAT much blood..."
EXT stops impaling the Angel, produces progressive
silverware and dines on the dead corpse.
Announcer: "Wait, EXT-01's eating the Angel? It's not
supposed to do that! Why is it doing-- hey, HEY! Don't record that!"
Announcer blocks the camera's sight for a moment and sounds
of robot munching on Zeruel is heard in background. The hand leaves
camera as Announcer leaves. Puking sounds is heard off-screen.
We watch EXT-01 eat Zeruel for a minute then the Announcer
comes back.
Announcer: "Ah what you're see is, umm... It's our method
of getting rid of dead bodies. We will gladly remove any bodies at no
extra charge! Yes?"
Announcer is handed a cue card: "Yes, 'We'll have lots of Fan
Service, too! See ya--' What the hell? This isn't the one! You gave me
the wrong one!"
Announcer goes off-screen as sounds of punches being
thrown are heard. He returns a moment later with a black eye.
Announcer: "Sorry about that. I apologize, folks. I--"
EXT-01 has finished eating the Angel and rises, covered with
Angel guts.
Announcer wipes his forehead with a cloth and faces camera
again: "Well, red certainly looks good on EXT-01, don't you think?"
EXT belches loudly and passes wind.
Announcer is caught off guard by scent and holds his nose,
waving at air: "That STINKS! Somebody turn on the ventilation
ducts! We'll die of gas!"
A sign "NO SMOKING" flashes in background. Few minutes
later, gas is cleared and Announcer returns to camera, bit pale now.
"Ah, folks... Thanks for watching the demonstration, and I
hope you--"
A hand taps on Announcer's shoulder, then hands it out. A
voice is heard off-screen: "You lost the bet. I told you that EXT would
beat Angel in less than five minutes! Pay up!"
Announcer yells SHUT UP! at the mystery man and turns to
another crowd which is chanting. "Stop NERV! Protect the Angels!
NERV must pay!"
Announcer is then handed another cue card: "You are expected
to meet Mr. Commander..."
Announcer gulps then turns to the camera: "Again, I would
like to express my thanks for viewing our demonstration. Remember:
if you ever have an Angel trouble, call us at 1-800-NO-ANGEL.
We'll even throw in a free NO ANGEL logo T-shirt for you! We look
forward to your call!"
Screen turns black.
What'd you think of my first NGE Spamfic? Let me know!
Sailor Alpha
<AlphSailor@aol.com>