[Drum roll!]
[Curtain starts to rise!]
[Lights come on!]
[Revealed is SD-Luigi standing on stage wearing a pink gi.]
SD-L: Wai! Wai! Hello out there in anime-type-land! I'm here, like
any other good little SD figure [Sticks tongue out.] to introduce
this fanfic.
[Microphone floats down from the ceiling, and SD-L grabs it. He
starts to pace back and forth across the stage.]
Naturally, some of you may wonder what the heck this is.
Well, I ain't gonna tell you! So there! PPBBTTTHHH!
[SD Hook quietly floats across stage to SD-L.]
[SD-L doesn't see hook.]
Thaats RIGHT! You'll get nothing out of me, copper! Not a
single word! I ain't no stoolie!
What I will say, is this: THIS FANFIC IS AN ORIGINAL, okay?
No stupid copyright infringements here, brother! Just me and my
lonesome! Eat THAT! [SD-L flexes arm.]
Now, in case some of you are wondering, this fanfic, this whole
routine, is a JOKE! GET IT? Don't take this seriously, okay
dudes?
[Mutters.] Damn PC-bull.. Oops! Drat! I can't say that. Want
to keep the fanfic rated PG as long as possible.
[SD-L notices hook, sweatdrop forms on head.]
In any case, what inspired me to write this fanfic is a desire to
write completely and totally off the wall humor.
I would like to thank the following for inspiration:
1. Justy Ueki Tylor,
2. Lord Edmund Blackadder, Cousin to the Queen,
3. Edmund Blackadder the third, Butler to the prince,
4. Captain Edmund Blackadder, Officer during the Great War,
and last but certainly not least,
5. All those fanfic drinking games!
[Hook closes in.]
Now, ON WITH THE SHOW!
[SD-L rolls offstage, and the hook looks around confused.]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Noname" Productions presents:
-T-H-E- -U-L-T-I-M-A-T-E- -P-O-W-E-R-!
A totally off the wall fanfic,
by Luigi Mattera.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Prologue
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Sun shines high in the sky on a beautiful spring day.]
[Zoom in on downtown New York City, an itty bitty little figure
sandwitched between the huge skyscrapers that adorn Manhattan.]
[We see the main character, one Dan Williams, quietly walking down East
33rd street, right next to the Empire State Building.]
[He wears a dark blue business suit and a bright green tie.]
Dan: [Sighs.] What a rotten week this has been for me. If I have to
scramble around for one more "high and mighty" middle manager,
then I think I'm going to puke. [Looks up at the sky.] Shit.
What a nice day out. If that isn't a bad omen, then I don't know
what is.
[A huge pillar of light beams down, directly focused on Dan. Before he
even has a chance to blink, he is sucked off of Manhattan isle and into
an unknown void.]
Dan: Speak of the devil. Now where the hell am I? [Looks around.]
This sure isn't New York. [Pauses.] Then again, I don't know
of anything else that could equal that place.
Voice: You, Williams, have been summoned from your home for a purpose.
Dan: Well, duh. I didn't think you were going to ask me out.
[A sweatdrop falls down the voice's head.]
Voice: Do not mock me, Williams. The fate of a world depends on you.
Dan: Hmph. Lo and behold, I'm in fantasy land!
Voice: If you do not accept this, then millions will die.
Dan: Only millions on a whole planet? Who is in charge of reproduction
anyway? I've got a few tips for him.
[Dan turns to the camera.]
Dan: Kiss that PG rating goodbye!
[SD-L facefaults.]
[A bigger sweatdrop falls down the voice's head. Another voice can be
heard in the background.]
Voice': Are you _sure_ about this?
Voice: Damn it, we have no choice in the matter.
Voice': I still say that we should get that Chow Yun-Fat fellow.
Voice: We've already gone through this once before. I said no!
[The two voices start to argue.]
Dan: [Scratches head.] [Mutters.] This is pathetic. Hmm.. I wonder.
[Raises voice.] Hey, you there!
Voice: [Irritated.] I have a name, you know.
Dan: Well exuse yourself for not telling me.
Voice: [Grumbles.] My name is Bazgar Himoto. Now, what it is you
wished to say?
Dan: [Smiles.] I'll take the job.
[Voice' starts to dance, but Bazgar shushes him.]
Voice: Really? Are you sure? I would not take this position lightly.
Dan: I'll do it.. on one condition.
[Voice' facefaults. Bazgar grumbles.]
Bazgar: Very well, what is your desire?
Dan: [Innocently] Now, if I'm to understand correctly, you're going
to dump me somewhere with no prior training or aid, right?
Voice': Not true!
[Bazgar shakes his hand at voice', making hushing sounds.]
Dan: Oh, really? You mean I'm going to get some cool powers?
Bazgar: [Really grumbling.] Yes, you will.
Dan: [Grins evilly.] Excellent! Then I want to choose. That is my
only condition.
Bazgar: [Sighing with relief.] That's all? Very well, what is it you
want then?
Dan: [Chuckling.] Come here where I can see you. Assure me that this
isn't some grand joke.
Bazgar: If you insist.
[Bazgar appears next to Dan. Dan scratches his head at the short old
hermit standing in front of him.]
Dan: Is everyone on your world this short?
Bazgar: [Shaking head.] No, they aren't. [Looks up at Dan.] Why do
you ask?
Dan: I like my women taller than you are. Much taller.
[Bazgar facefaults.]
Voice': [Booming] Enough with the foolery! State your request!
Dan: Very well.
[Dan leans down to Bazgar's ear and whispers something. The grin on his
face is impossible to miss.]
Bazgar: No.. not that.. anything but that..
[Switch to the Mir space station floating in Earth orbit. One of the
cosmonauts working on the station hears a faint echo.]
Bazgar: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[The cosmonaut taps the radio in his helmet.]
Cosmonaut1: Did anyone just hear something?
Cosmonaut2: Not a thing, why?
Cosmonaut1: Never mind. This damned radio is malfunctioning again.
[Switch back to Dan.]
Dan: [Laughing.] You did say _anything_.
Bazgar: [Frozen in shock.] ......
Voice': Do it.
Bazgar: [Still frozen!] ......
Voice': I said DO IT!
Bazgar: [Nodding mutely.] So Williams requests, so it shall be. God
help us all.
Dan: [Quizically] Aren't _you_ a god?
[Bazgar facefaults.]
Voice': Let the journey begin!
[A bright light flashes, covering everything. When it subsides, Dan is
nowhere to be found.]
Bazgar: [Completely out of it] It.. was.. just.. a.. figure.. of..
speech.
Voice': I think he'll do just fine. [Grins evilly.] I like his style.
[Bazgar turns to Voice' and the two of them start to argue again.]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode 1
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Cut to a forest under a clear blue sky. All is peaceful. Birds are
chirping, deer quietly grazing..]
[The happiness is pierced by a scream as Dan comes falling down from the
sky. With a WHUMP he lands in a soft bush.]
Dan: [Getting up.] Ouch. What a nasty way to travel. [He sighs, and
looks around.] Let's get this show on the road, shall we?
[Dan pulls out his Newton and starts to scribble.]
Dan: Okay. [Puts Newton away.] I can work with this. Hmm.. In a
forest, let me see..
[Dan cups his left hand to his mouth.]
Dan: Quiet on the set, quiet on the set! [A short pause.] And..
ACTION!
[Dan starts to walk down the road.]
Dan: Cue beautiful woman in 3.. 2.. 1.. go!
[A beautiful woman comes running across the path, screaming. Dan
doesn't pay any attention to her.]
Dan: Excellent! Stupendous! Cue hideous monster in 3.. 2.. 1.. go!
[A monster barrels out of the bush, chasing after the woman. It lets
loose a blood curdling roar.]
[Dan ignores the roar and simply sticks his foot out. The monster trips
over Dan's foot, and crashes head first into a rock. CRUNCH!]
Dan: .. And that's a wrap! [Looks at monster.] Eww.. [He bends
down.] If I were you, Frank, I'd have the set doctor take a look
at that head injury. [Pauses.] I suppose it doesn't really
matter anymore.
[The beautiful woman comes staggering back on to the path.]
Woman: Thank you, oh powerful stranger.
[Dan ignores her, writing on his Newton again.]
Dan: [Muttering.] Lone beautiful woman being chased by..
[The woman takes Dan's hands in hers.]
Woman: I said "Thank you." Do you not speak my language?
Dan: [Looking up.] Oh, sorry. Hold on a second, okay?
Woman: [Confused.] Okay.
Dan: Say, are you a princess?
Woman: [Nodding.] Why, yes I am.
Dan: Thanks. Now where was I? Oh yes. Better scratch that then.
..princess being chased by hideous monster, check!
Woman: [Staring at Newton.] What are you doing, stranger?
Dan: Oh. [Shrugs.] Just keeping track of all the cliches I run into.
[A sweatdrop forms on the woman's head.]
Woman: "Cliches?"
Dan: [Shaking head.] Never mind. So, I could ask you why you're out
here all by yourself..
[The woman blushes furiously.]
Dan: ..but I know better than to try. [He looks back down at his
Newton.] Crappy royal security, check!
Woman: [Angry.] Now wait a second!
Dan: [Looking back up again.] What's your name, anyway?
Woman: [Confused.] Amy Fujimaki.
Dan: Well then, Amy. [Bows.] Dan Williams, at your service. [Offers
her his arm.] Shall we get going?
Amy: [Blushing.] Yes, let's. Are you the savior from afar?
Dan: [Chuckles.] You could say that.
Amy: [Looking Dan over.] You aren't.. dressed like I would picture a
hero to be dressed.
Dan: [Shrugs.] We can fix that, can't we, princess?
Amy: [Nodding.] Yes, we will help you on your journey.
Dan: [Grins.] Then I can finally take this stupid tie off.
Amy: [Confused.] Tie?
Dan: [Unwinding tie.] This long strip of cloth.
Amy: [Still confused.] Oh, I see.
Dan: [Looks down at Amy's belt.] Can I borrow your knife?
Amy: [Really confused.] Sure.. I think.
[Dan takes the knife, and proceeds to hack the tie to shreds.]
Amy: Why did you do that?
Dan: [Chuckling.] You'll find out soon enough. I hate wearing those
things.
Amy: Won't you be needing it again?
Dan: [Shaking head.] Not anymore. [Looks up into sky.] Oh, look.
Amy: [Looking up.] What? I don't see anything..
Dan: [Points thumb behind him.] Your followers have finally caught up
with you.
Amy: [Whirls around.] [Sees army in distance.] I can barely see them
from here.
Dan: Pretty slow, aren't they?
Amy: [Looking at Dan intently.] How.. how did you know?
Dan: A hero knows these things.
Amy: [Nodding.] I see. Shall we wait for them?
Dan: [Looking Amy in the eyes.] Actually, I'd rather lose them, if you
understand my meaning..
Amy: [Blushes furiously and turns away.] I'm a princess.. I don't do
stuff like that! It isn't proper!
Dan: [Aside to camera.] Meaning later she'll turn out to be completely
insatiable. [Grins.]
Amy: Did you say something?
Dan: Oh, look. They see us. [He waves.]
[Amy looks down.]
Dan: I see.. Ran off without telling anyone, now did we?
Amy: Yes.. I did.
Dan: [Shrugs.] Whatever.
Amy: [Irritated.] Don't you care to know?
Dan: Let me guess. [Taps finger to cheek.] You got bored, right?
Amy: Um ...
Dan: You wanted a change of scenery, right?
Amy: [Fidgets.] Uh ...
Dan: You didn't expect to be attacked by a monster, right?
Amy: [Frustrated.] Hold on! How do you know that?
Dan: [Chuckles.] A magician refuses to reveal the secrets of his
trade.
Amy: [Surprised.] You use magic?
Dan: [Looking off.] You could say that.
[The soldiers catch up to the princess. A man wearing regal armor walks
up to Dan and Amy.]
Man in armor: Your highness, must you run off like a spoiled child?
Amy: ....
[Dan snickers.]
[Amy glares at Dan, but keeps her attention fixed on the guard in front
of her.]
Amy: Galeck, I'm not a child anymore!
Galeck: If your parents learned of what you do.. they would lock you up
in your room and never let you out!
Dan: [Worried.] Just how old are you anyway princess?
Amy: [Distracted.] Twenty-two. [She turns to glare at Dan.] That
isn't a proper question to ask a lady!
Dan: [Thought.] _Not_ jail bait! Whoohoo!
[Spoken.] Or are you the heir to your throne?
Galeck: [Solemnly] That she is. I wish she would take her
responsibilities more seriously.
Amy: [Turns back to Galeck.] Don't you dare go telling me what to do!
[Galeck and Amy get into a long argument while Dan simply pulls out his
Newton and starts to scribble. A curious soldier walks up to him.]
Soldier: What are you doing?
Dan: Taking notes, nothing more.
Soldier: [Confused.] I see.
Dan: Say, what's your name?
Soldier: George, sir.
Dan: [Groans.] I should have known. [Aside to the camera.] Don't you
dare keep puns like that one coming!
[SD-L sticks his tongue out at Dan in reply. Dan ignores SD-L.]
Dan: [Turns to George.] Anyway, George, I take it we are heading
straight back to the palace?
George: Yes sir.
Dan: Excellent. Let's get going then.
Galeck: [Turning back to Dan.] Now wait just a second!
Dan: [Puts Newton away.] Yes, Galeck?
Galeck: We can't just go marching back to the palace!
Dan: [Yawns.] And why not?
Galeck: [All puffed up.] We could be attacked! We have to make sure
that nothing harms the princess!
[Amy blushes in the background. She is about to start arguing with
Galeck again, but Dan waves her off.]
Dan: [Sighs.] Galeck, I can guarantee that we won't be attacked before
reaching the palace.
Galeck: And just how do you know?
Dan: Same reason I knew just how far behind the princess you were.
Galeck: [Turns pale.] Are you a sorcerer?
Dan: Does it matter?
Galeck: [Turns red.] What are you saying?! Of course it matters!
Dan: [Aside to the camera.] Stuffy old codger, ain't he?
[To Galeck.] Not to you it does. Face it, if I wanted the
princess dead, I could have easily killed her.
Galeck: Are you threatening the princess?!
Dan: [Looks over at Amy.] Nah. She's too cute.
[Amy flushes hotly in response.]
Galeck: [Flustered.] Why.. you..
Dan: Whatever. Let's get moving. It's getting dark.
Galeck: [Distractedly looks up at the sky.] Knave! How do you know
what time it is? [To guards.] It's getting dark. [Shouts.]
Move out, people!
Dan: [Grinning.] Easy enough.
Amy: [Curious.] You're sure we won't be attacked?
Dan: Positive.
Amy: I'm not sure if I believe you.
Dan: [Shrugs.] You'll see soon enough.
Amy: Very well. [Pauses.] I should warn you, the trip from here is a
long and treacherous one.
Dan: [Yawns.] In that case I'll shorten it.
Amy: [Very confused.] How will you do that?
Dan: [Grins.] Easy as.. [Shouts.] Cue the end credits!
[A big sweatdrop appears on Amy's head as the Episode comes to a halt.]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode 2
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[The sun rises slowly in the distance as the army marches through a
forest. Amy sits in the middle of the army, surrounded by armed guards
on all sides. Slightly off to her side, sitting on a horse, is the
main protagonist, Dan Williams. He looks rather bored.]
Dan: [Yawning.] Even with the end credits, this trip took a damned
long time.
Amy: I told you so.
Dan: [Looks around.] We've finally made it to the end? Maybe then I
get myself out from under Galeck's thumb. [Mimicking Galeck.]
Don't do this! Don't go there! Be careful where you step!
Amy: They're just doing their job.
Dan: [Shrugs.] I did say that we wouldn't be attacked, didn't I?
Amy: That you did.
Dan: So the castle is in the middle of a forest?
Amy: [Nods.] Yes.
Dan: Thought so. How's the lake?
Amy: [Confused.] Lake?
Dan: The lake surrounding the castle.
Amy: How.. [Amy trails off.]
Dan: [Waits patiently.]
Amy: Never mind, I won't ask. I know better.
Dan: [Shrugs.] I don't mind.
Amy: [Curious.] You don't?
Dan: Better this than listening to Galeck shouting orders.
Galeck: [Shouting.] We have reached the castle!
[The forest opens up to reveal.. A castle sitting on a lake. A single
long bridge connects the castle to the shore of the lake. The army
waits at the foot of the bridge.]
Dan: Man, that must have been a pain to build.
Amy: How so?
Dan: How old is the castle?
Amy: Oh it's stood for more years than I can remember.
Dan: [Nodding.] Yep. Figures.
Amy: Huh?
Dan: [Quietly.] Just a castle so old that people have forgotten what
it stood for.
[Amy looks at Dan in surprise.]
Dan: [Raises voice.] Hey, Galeck! Let's get this show on the road!
Galeck: [Shouting back.] We move when the castle allows us to!
Dan: [Quietly.] .. And that should happen in 2.. 1..
Galeck: [Shouting.] Army, general advance forward!
[The army dutifully shuffles across the bridge to the castle.]
Dan: [Muttering.] He just had to get a military term in there, didn't
he?
Amy: Did you say something?
Dan: [Shakes head.] Nope. [Looks at Amy.] So when do I meet the
family?
Amy: [Blushing.] Well, etiquette requires that ..
Dan: [Waves her off.] Etiquette, schmetiquette. They'll break the
rules regardless of the "requirements".
Amy: [Furious.] If you're so sure of everything, then why don't you
just declare this over with!
Dan: [Shrugs.] Don't know. I guess we've just got to go through the
motions.
Amy: [Downcast.] Oh.
Dan: Sorry, Amy. I can't change things before they happen.
Amy: I didn't think you were a god.
Dan: I've never claimed to be one.
Amy: [Sighs.] I just wish things were better.
Dan: [Smiles.] It won't take long.
Amy: [Looking up.] You sure?
Dan: [Checks Newton.] I believe so. How long, I don't know.
Amy: [Doesn't believe Dan.] I see.
[Amy and Dan pass though the castle doors. The crowd raises their
voices to a shout.]
Crowd: All hail the princess! All hail the princess!
[Amy winces and sighs at the reaction. She waves to the crowd. Dan
watches her quietly, scribbling into his Newton.]
[The scene changes and we see Dan standing in a dressing room. Dan's
old suit lies on the bed next to him, and two female servants are
trying to get Dan into a regal outfit.]
Dan: [Mutters.] It figures.. from one monkey suit to another.
Girl D: [Cooing.] But you look so good in this, sire!
Girl DD: [Nodding.] Milord, I agree!
Dan: Oh, fine. Let's get this over with.
[The two girls make a few more adjustments to Dan's outfit. We the
viewers can't see much of anything because the camera spends more time
focused on the girls than Dan.]
Dan: [Irritated.] Are we getting closer?
Girl D: Oh, very much so, milord!
Girl DD: We have to make you look good!
Dan: [Aside to camera.] As if whoever's in charge of the camera would
actually point the thing at me.
[SD-L drools from behind the camera.]
Dan: [Looking himself over.] This is good enough.
Girl D: But milord..
Girl DD: We want to make sure the princess likes what she sees!
Dan: [Chuckles.] Is that what all this is for?
Girl D: The princess finally finds someone ..
Girl DD: .. and we want to make sure that she gets a good eyeful!
Dan: [Rubs his hands together.] I see! Well then, if you're going to
explain it that way..
[The three of them finally get Dan's outfit finished.]
Girl D&DD: [Cheery.] We'll let the court know that you are ready!
[The two girls exit out the door.]
Dan: [Aside to camera.] And off go two very bouncy servants. It
figures this show would go the way of GAINAX sooner or later.
[Grins.] Not that I'm complaining.
[SD-L chuckles evilly in the background.]
Dan: [To SD-L.] Laugh all you want. I know Amy's gonna thwack me for
being a "pervert" sooner or later. Might as well enjoy it before
the fireworks start.
[SD-L sulks off.]
Dan: [Sighs.] Some people.
[Dan steps out into the hallway, and looks around.]
Dan: [Mutters.] Now lets, see. [Spots a servant walking past.]
Hello there.
Servant: [Bowing.] Milord?
Dan: Where is the bathroom?
Servant: [Confused.] Bathroom?
Dan: It's the room that you almost never see on camera. How else am I
going to find it?
Servant: [Sweatdrop.] Uh.. down the corridor and to the right, Milord.
Dan: [Nods.] Thanks, I'll remember that.
[The servant walks off. Dan turns away from the bathroom, and heads
down the corridor. As he walks down the corridor, he is nearly bowled
over by a rather large matronly woman carrying several items of
clothing.]
Woman: [Impatient.] Out of my way, knave!
Dan: [Nods.] Hello, Nanny of Amy.
Woman: [Blinks.] How.. how did you know?
Dan: [Looks down at what she's carrying.] Easy to tell..
Woman: I don't have time for this foolishness!
Dan: .. Unless that gown you carry with the royal seal actually fits
you..
Woman: [Furious.] I aught to..
Dan: [Steps around her.] .. take lessons in etiquette?
Woman: [Flushes.] You dare accuse me of ... ?
Dan: [Shrugs.] You started this little war, not me.
Woman: I won't stand for this!
Dan: Then sit down.
Woman: [Enraged.] Why.. you..
[Dan starts to walk down the hallway, leaving the woman behind.]
Woman: [Looking at Dan intently.] You're the man who came in with the
princess!
[Dan stops at her comment, and turns to face her.]
Dan: [Dryly.] Congratulations on stating the obvious.
Woman: [Angry.] Don't you corrupt the princess!
Dan: [Looking the woman in the eyes.] And don't you smother her.
[The woman's face pales.]
Dan: Interesting. You _do_ care about her.
Woman: Hold on a second!
Dan: Look, lady..
Woman: My name is Jean Mizaki.
Dan: Fine then, Jean. [Pauses.] Didn't it ever occur to you that if
you treated Amy properly she wouldn't run away?
Jean: The princess is wild and uncontrolled..
Dan: .. Which is perfectly normal for someone at her age.
Jean: She neglects her duties!
Dan: She is the princess. She has been the princess since birth. I
think she understands by now what her duties are.
Jean: ....
Dan: [Sniffles.] Ironic isn't it?
Jean: [Confused.] What are you talking about?
Dan: [Thoughtful.] I know every single cliche before it happens, and
somehow I still manage to get emotionally attached..
[A sweatdrop appears on Jean's head.]
Dan: [Grins.] .. and thats another cliche! [Pulls out Newton.]
[Jean facefaults.]
Dan: How long before I'm forced to meet the court?
Jean: Not until the princess is ready.
Dan: [Nods.] No problem then. I'll just head straight there.
Jean: [Irritated.] The princess won't be ready before then!
Dan: Yes she will. The scene can't start without her.
[Jean facefaults.]
Dan: [Waves.] Better hurry, Jean.
[Dan walks slowly down the corridor, and Jean bolts off down the
hallway. Passing a balcony, Dan looks out into the sky. He has
his Newton out, and is busy writing something.]
Dan: [Muttering.] Hmm.. Everything looks good so far.
[A few minutes later, Dan starts to walk down the corridor again. He
barely walks ten feet before horns start to blare.]
Dan: [Dryly.] It's that time.
[Dan walks calmly through the castle, ignoring everyone running around
in a mad hurry to get somewhere.]
Dan: [Thinking.] Might as well give the princess a little more time.
[Dan eventually reaches a set of large double doors. Two guards stand
in front of the doors. They watch him as he approaches. When Dan
finally reaches the door, they cross their polearms in front of him.]
Dan: Yet another standard military tactic..
[Both guards look confused at Dan's comment.]
Dan: Dan Williams, here to see the King.
[The guards retract their weapons, and the doors slowly open..]
[And a new picture appears with "Now loading" written on it. A red bar
slowly makes its way across the screen, and when it is full..]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode 3
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[.. The doors swing open to reveal the court.]
[Dan steps inside the court, and walks to the center.]
Dan: [Aside to camera.] Even _I'm_ going to leave that one alone.
[SD-L flexes arm in triumph.]
[The court is full of nobles, sitting down long rows of benches. The
benches climb to 20 feet in height on either side of the long walkway.
The doors Dan has just entered are at one end of the courtroom, and a
man sits on a throne at the far end of the hall. Heavily armed guards
line either side of the walkway. Huge tapestries hang from the
ceiling. Dan grins to himself as he looks around.]
[Head held high, Dan walks down the long isle, not flinching for a
second. The guards step into place behind him as he continues,
cutting off any chance of a quick exit.]
[Dan spots Amy standing just behind the currently empty throne. She
looks a little rushed, and stares at Dan.]
[Dan grins and stares right back at her. Amy blushes and turns away.]
[Jean stands just behind Amy, and she glares openly at Dan. He just
chuckles in reaction to the expression on her face.]
[Standing aside the King's throne is Galeck, who frowns at Dan.]
[Galeck stands.]
Galeck: All rise in greeting of the great and noble king Damacles ..
Dan: [Aside to camera.] .. in his mind ..
Galeck: [Continues.] .. saviour of this land ..
Dan: [Still to camera.] .. aged well beyond his years ..
Galeck: [Finishes.] and ruler of this great kingdom!
Dan: .. because no one wants to challenge him.
[All the nobles rise. Damacles walks out into the hall, and steps in
front of his throne. The king stands a huge 6 feet 7 inches tall and
despite his advanced age still appears to be quite powerfully built.]
Dan: [Still to himself.] Meaning that he'll die leading his own army
against the main bad guy later. [Dan looks at Amy and sighs.]
[Amy just stares unabashed at Dan. He grins to himself.]
Dan: [Thought.] Just as I thought.. she isn't as innocent as she
claims. [Dan chuckles.]
Damacles: [Sitting down.] Please, be seated.
[Dan uncharacteristically doesn't say anything.]
Damacles: [Looking at Dan.] You don't look like a hero to me.
Dan: [Grinning.] Makes me all the better.
Damacles: [Confused.] How so?
Dan: People will underestimate me.
Damacles: [Not convinced.] I see. [Damacles stands up.]
[The court stands up.]
[Dan snickers.]
Damacles: I suppose you wonder why you stand before me.
Dan: [Dryly.] Not particularly.
Damacles: [Doesn't notice Dan's remark.] This kingdom has survived on
its own for many years.
Dan: [To himself.] Then why the hell do you need an outsider to cure
your problems?
[Damacles walks back to the throne and sits down.]
[The court sits down.]
[Dan starts to chuckle.]
Damacles: [Still rambling.] Yet we face a grave threat..
Damacles: [Stands up, arm held high.] .. One which we refuse to give
in to!
[The court stands up.]
[Dan starts to laugh. King Damacles finally notices Dan's reaction.]
Damacles: [Angry.] You DARE mock me? Do my words have no meaning?
[Both Jean and Galeck look on with evil grins on their faces, while Amy
cringes at her father's voice. She looks at Dan, worry etched on her
face.]
[Dan finally manages to get his laughter under control.]
Dan: [Evilly.] With all due respect .. your Majesty, I _don't_ _care._
Damacles: [Furious.] What?!?
[Amy looks frightened at the sudden turn of events.]
Dan: [Darkly.] I'm not about to sit here and listen to you ramble on
for hours on end about nothing. [Looks around.] Nor can you
expect me to keep a straight face with all these fools playing
"Kiss the King's Ass".
Damacles: ....
Dan: I don't care for bullshit.
Damacles: [Quietly.] You realize that I can have you executed for
treason.
[Dan snorts in response, but Amy runs out of the room. Jean follows
her. Damacles does not react to his daughter's departure.]
Dan: No you won't.
Damacles: [Curious.] And why not?
Dan: [Grinning.] Because I know those advisors of yours want to send
me out just so they can see me get myself killed.
[Galeck blushes a bright red, and steps forward, quite angry. Damacles
waves him back with a hand.]
Galeck: [Bowing.] Your majesty, surely you don't expect to listen to
this.. ruffian?
Damacles: [Ignores Galeck and leans forward.] Perhaps they did. You
claim otherwise?
Dan: If I didn't believe so, I wouldn't be standing here in front of
you. Do you seriously expect me to believe that every unknown
person who wanders into your kingdom gets this kind of treatment?
[Damacles just watches Dan intently.]
Dan: Obviously I fit some kind of prophecy. Since that is the case,
I'd rather be out trying to fulfill it rather than listen to some
old man trying to put a dramatic spin on everything.
[Galeck, who listened to all of this in silence, finally jumps forward.]
Galeck: [Furious.] How dare you insult the King in such a manner!
Damacles: [Flatly.] Galeck, shut up.
[Galeck gulps and jumps back behind the throne.]
Galeck: [Meekly.] Yes, your majesty.
[Galeck stands up.]
[The crowd stands up.]
[Damacles glares directly at SD-L. A sweatdrop appears on SD-L's head,
and he pulls a lever. The crowd sits back down.]
Damacles: [Quietly.] Never before in my entire reign has someone ever
come into my courtroom, my castle.. and treated me so
unjustly. So rudely.
[Galeck giggles gleefully.]
Damacles: [Ignoring Galeck.] For those reasons alone, Dan Williams, I
salute you!
[Galeck facefaults.]
Damacles: If anyone else in my Kingdom had the courage to stand tall
like you have then we wouldn't be in such a predicament.
Dan: [Aside to camera.] Completely by the book.
[Dan grins and gives the thumbs up sign.]
Damacles: Now get this man ready for his long journey.
[Dan remembers the look on Amy's face, and sighs quietly.]
Dan: Is it ever a short journey?
[A sweatdrop appears on everyone's head.]
Galeck: [Stepping forward.] I'll see to it that he is properly
equipped.
[Dan grins and rubs his hands together.]
Damacles: Now, Dan, are you sure that you do not want to hear the tale
of our land?
Dan: Well, if you really insist..
Damacles: I do.
[Dan reaches into his jacket and pulls out a sheet of paper. Holding it
up, he hands it to the King.]
Dan: Just fill this out, and everything will be set.
[Damacles takes the form, a confused look on his face. He reads it.]
"Dan's handy instant background filler form.
We, the people of _name_, of the time _date_, have the following tale
to tell:
During the time of _name_, a _adjective_ _adjective_ evil was _verb_,
bringing the land into _adjective_ _adjective_ chaos. The destruction
caused ranged _distance_, causing much _adjective_ grief to _name_.
Through the talents of _title_ _name_, _title_ _name_ and _title_
_name_, this _adjective_ scourge was _verb_ into the depths of the
_name_. Now this _adjective_ evil has awakened to _verb_ us again.
A time of _adjective_ peace passed, and _adjective_ spread throughout
_name._ However, the _adjective_ evil did not remain _verb_ for long.
Now it has returned to do _adjective_ and _adjective_ _verb_ to us all.
Before facing the final evil, Dan must _verb_ the _adjective_ _title_
from _name_ located in _place_ to prove his _adjective_ to _verb_ the
evil.
Therefore, I, _title_ _name_, ruler of _name_, do hereby decree that
Dan Williams is named _title_ to my rule and is given the necessary
titles and power to _verb_ this _adjective_ evil and rid it from all
time.
Signed, _name_
_seal_ _title_
_date_"
[A big sweatdrop appears on Damacles' head, and Galeck groans openly
after taking a look at the paper.]
Galeck: Enough with the foolishness, Williams! We must get you
prepared
for the journey you have!
[Dan shrugs, and walks up to Galeck. Galeck turns to the King, intent
on announcing his departure.]
Damacles: [Pen in hand.] Hmm.. Oh yes, this does save me a lot of
trouble..
[Damacles starts to scribble. Galeck facefaults when he sees how
intent the King is on filling the sheet out.]
[Dan turns and walks out the door.]
Galeck: Hold on, scoundrel!
Dan: You'll catch up soon enough, Galeck.
[The camera fades out.. and fades in a few moments later. Dan stands
just outside the castle gates, looking down the road ahead. He is
dressed in some rather light traveling clothes, and carries a small
pack on his shoulder.]
Dan: Whew. Finally out of that stuffy place. [Grins.] No more monkey
suits for me!
[Galeck stands slightly behind Dan, completely out of breath.]
Galeck: I.. told.. you.. to.. wait..
Dan: [Chuckling.] Don't you know that you can't just go running around
in plate armor and expect to be fine?
[Galeck is too exhausted to respond.]
Dan: [Waving.] I'm off! See you around!
Galeck: [Waves to guards.] No, you can't just leave.
[Two guards step in front of Dan. He looks at them with a smirk.]
Dan: And why not?
Galeck: You have no armor, no weapon, and no map. Do you foolishly
expect to be able to go anywhere without being killed?
[Dan turns around to face Galeck.]
Dan: Yes, I do.
[A sweatdrop appears on Galeck's head.]
Galeck: What ... ?
Dan: Look, Galeck. Based on everything I've learned, I expect this
show to last around thirteen episodes.
Galeck: Thirteen.. episodes.. ?
Dan: Well, okay. It should be ten, but I've expanded it to thirteen.
[The sweatdrop on Galeck's head grows larger.]
Galeck: [Completely confused.] Why thirteen?
Dan: [Rolls his eyes.] Duh. Thirteen is the minimum requirement for
American television. I do want my exploits shown on television
back home.
[Galeck's sweatdrop grows a bit.]
Dan: [Continuing.] Since there are only thirteen episodes, I don't
need a map. I have to beat the evil demon at the end of the
series, so if I start walking now I'll end up going directly to
his lair. There isn't any time to get lost.
[Galeck's sweatdrop doubles in size.]
Dan: As for a weapon, since I'm bound to find a more powerful one along
the way, why take one with me?
Galeck: [Trying to find a weak point in Dan's argument.] But you'll
be killed!
[Dan shakes his head.]
Dan: I'm the hero of the story. I can't die. Didn't you learn
anything in school? Didn't all those fairy tales teach you
something?
[Galeck facefaults. Dan's explanation is too much for his brain to
handle.]
Galeck: Uh.. um..
[Dan steps around the guards, and starts to walk off.]
Dan: [Thought.] I'm missing someone.. [Spoken.] I wonder where she
went.
[Dan clears the long walkway to the castle, and steps in to the forest.]
Dan: [Looking around.] Nice place. [Sighs.] Too bad I don't have any
time to waste. I'll have to wait until after I've won this
battle.
[Amy steps out of from behind a tree.]
Amy: [Angry.] Dan Williams!
Dan: [Thought.] Took her long enough.
[Spoken.] Yes, princess?
Amy: How could you?
Dan: [Grins evilly.] How could I what?
Amy: [Furious.] How could you agree to my father's arrangement of our
marriage?
Dan: Well, actually..
Amy: You pervert! [Amy swings her fist at Dan...]
[Time slows to a crawl. There is a flash of light, and when everything
clears..]
[Dan holds Amy's fist in his hand.]
Dan: .. I agreed to nothing.
Amy: [Confused.] WHAT?
Dan: I didn't ask for the engagement, but I knew your father would
offer it.
Amy: [Upset.] You jerk! [She swings her other fist at Dan.]
[Dan catches her second fist.]
Dan: [Sincere.] Don't you care to know what I said?
Amy: [She fidgets.] Uh, well..
Dan: [Looking Amy directly in the eyes.] I told your father that the
decision of marriage was yours and not his.
[Amy blushes furiously.]
Amy: But.. but.. [Changes the subject.] What about all that time you
spent with those two serving girls?
[Dan chuckles at her question.]
Dan: [Thought.] Don't play this little game, princess.. you have no
chance of winning.
Dan: [Feigns surprise.] Oh, those two.
Amy: [Angry.] Yes, _those_ two. Explain. Now.
Dan: [Grinning.] The two girls who spent two hours getting me into
that outfit just for your benefit?
Amy: Uh..
Dan: The two girls who went on and on about how lucky the princess was
to have someone in her life?
Amy: Wait..
Dan: Face it, Amy. I'm not the only pervert around here.
[Dan grins, and Amy doesn't respond. Dan lets go of Amy's hands, and
turns towards the road.]
Dan: So long, princess. We'll be speaking soon enough.
Amy: Just a second!
Dan: [Stops walking.] Do you want to tag along?
Amy: Uh.. I..
Dan: Either you do or you don't. I don't have all day.
Amy: [Upset.] Hey, don't you dare treat me like this!
Dan: [Turns to Amy.] I won't mind if you come along. [He grins.]
Actually, I'd enjoy it.
Amy: [Flushing.] Ahh.. Uh.. I think they need me back at the
castle!
[Amy turns around and runs off.]
Dan: [Shouting.] I'll return, princess! Don't worry about that.
Amy: [Sticks her tongue out at Dan.] What makes you think I'm
worried? After what you've pulled, I'd be surprised if you
did die!
Dan: [Grins.] Someone around here finally gets it.
[Dan starts to walk down the trail. The camera fades out as Dan
continues to walk into the distance.]
[Dan turns to the camera as everything fades to black.]
Dan: And that, boys and girls, is the proper way to handle a woman.
[Waves.] See you next time!
[The camera fades completely out.]
--
mattera@tiac.net
http://www.tiac.net/users/mattera