C&C much, much appreciated, be it good, bad, whatever. . .I'm not
actually a member of this mailing list, so please reply directly-
thanks!
I got a couple of things to say. Most of it is good... but here are a
couple of the bad ones that caught my eye.
Found
Part 4
(A Ranma 1/2 - Oh My Goddess! Crossover by Mee Robinson)
This place was amazing! Love polygons to the order of
infinity. A regular playground for someone such as herself,
Urd thought as she flipped through the voluminous stack of
graphs and charts and case histories that Skuld had printed
out for her, right before the ice cream high had worn off.
I would shorten this phrase a bit:
A regular playground, Urd though as she...
Also, beware of ANDing more than 2 items. Use commas for the extras:
... flipped through the voluminous stack of graphs, charts and case
histories that Skuld had printed out for her... right before the ice-cream
high had worn off.
Urd frowned worriedly. That girl was far too single-minded
for her own good. If she wasn't careful, she'd end up burning
out at the tender age of fourteen. As it was, she was missing
all the fun in life.
<Snicker> That's Urd for you.
"Kuonji Ukyou," she muttered, scanning once more through
Skuld's intricately detailed - and beautifully footnoted -
entry.
Which is?
digging in with gusto. "This is great! - Hey, miss-I mean,
mister- can you give me the recipe for this?
I'm surprised that Ukyou didn't react to the miss/mister slip Urd made.
Is Ukyou dressed like a man or a woman at that moment?
Urd shrugged, sighing theatrically. "Oh well," she drawled,
"It was worth a try." Inwardly she smiled. Asking was only a
formality for her. A goddess had other ways of obtaining
information, after all.
I would think that Belldandy already knows how to make pretty much any
dish... but you never know. Comments?
Ukyou looked up, noticed the scantily clad, bosomy customer
who was now lounging on one of the counter stools, and smiled
slightly with pride.
I would re-write it like this:
Ukyou looked up and noticed the scantily clad, bosomy, customer now
lounging on one of the counter stools and smiled slightly with pride at the
compliment.
Of course, I'm no English major. Anyone out there have a better suggestion?
"Just got here today, honest!" said Urd, "But I've been around, I
know the type."
I would put an ellipse (...) after the word "around", instead of the comma.
"Yeah?" Ukyou said, frowning. "Well, I've done a good amount
of traveling myself, and I never met anyone like Shampoo, at least
I've/I have ^^
not until I came here.
Akane was around. It was so strange, the mix of wild, brazen
wildness and bubbly cuteness that was Shampoo.
You may want to re-word this. You have the word wild twice in the same
sentence. Try the word exotic or exuberance.
Ukyou often thought that she and Akane could have been
good friends, if it hadn't been for. . .circumstances. Now, she
found herself wondering what it would have been like to be
friends with Shampoo. Bike rides and sparring sessions,
training with the old ghoul. Sisters, such a foreign concept.
She tried to imagine herself in one of those slinky Chinese
dresses of Shampoo's and utterly failed to do so. What an odd
kind of life. . .
WoLF: I think that could make for a very interesting alterni-verse story.
"Ryouga-kun!" said Akane, straining to be heard over
Shirokuro's joyful exclamaitions, "Are you sure you wouldn't like
to lie down? ^------\
I suspect you should have a period here|
time. Her master was home for the second time in a year! This
was a rare and precious occurence and cause for celebration,
she told the tiny puppies who yipped and clambered happily
over his feet.
This phrase is quite bulky. Try this:
This was a rare and precious occurrence; cause for celebration. The puppies
sensed the mood and yipped an clambered happily over his feet.
Or something like that.
Akane smiled, and to Ryouga's infatuated senses, it seemed
like the warmest and most gentle smile he had ever seen, its
Put a period here--------------------------------------^ Its
owner herself glowing with compassion and good intent. He was
home. He was with the woman he loved. He was in heaven. That
is, until Ranma ruined the mood.
"Well, looks like this place hasn't changed one bit!" he said
loudly, not-so-casually stepping between his fiancee and the lost
boy and slapping Ryouga roughly across the shoulders.
Here's a suggestion:
... he said loudly while not-so-casually stepping between his fiancee and
the lost boy, giving him a rough slap on the shoulder.
"Right!" said Ranma, anxious to get Akane away from the
kitchen. "Hey, come on, Akane, didn't ya want to see those
puppies?"
WoLF: Good call younger Saotome. Your survival instinct is still working.
She heard laughter and quite a lot of yapping from the living
room, so she piled a tray, and followed the voices there.
the food on?-------^
It was obviously a home video that they were watching, and
quite an old one at that.
I would remove the word "and" from this sentence.
"Well, well. If it isn't the goddess Urd," Cologne replied good-
naturedly. I'm afraid if you're here to stir up any mischief-"
Missing "
"Unless you're watching summer reruns," Urd agreed. "Tell me,
Cologne - how is it that so much. . .romanitic chaos -" she shook
her charts in the old woman's face - "can exist in one place
_WITHOUT_MY_HELP?!_"
WoLF: <snickers>
"Gosh, it's really late!" said Akane after the video was over and
the dishes put away. "Are the buses still running?"
WoLF: Buses? I seem recall that everyone simply runs/walks/roof hops
everywhere. You might want to come up with a better reason.
Ranma shook his head. Two fiancees and one life-long rival.
It was going to be a long night.
WoLF: No kidding.
See ya
___________
/ Here lies:\ Time Travel: A perfectly good way to ruin someone's
| Andrew | history.
| |
| I think | Andrew Petalik {ICQ ID: 160869}
| he's hungry | Jadzia Dax : Don't worry, I have a light touch.
| | Julien Bashir : Not according to Worf...