If someone has already come up with this, I'm sorry. But... well... you know
how some people doodle in math class? Let's just say that the partial
fraction method of integration was parTICularly boring this morning, and I
came up with this.

Copyright notices: Ranma 1/2 and all characters thereof are from the mind of
Rumiko Takahashi. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and the lyrics to the theme
song are from the mind of Best Brains Inc. This unholy fusion is mine, all
mine...

Author's note: Before you start singing to yourself at the breakneck pace
they take in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 opening credits, you may want
to read over the action a few times so it doesn't bog you down. Just a
suggestion.

DIALOGUE CONVENTION: {} denote the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Singers.
Whoever they are. [] denote Genma's signs. Everything else is straight
dialogue.

****

We open with a slow zoom from space, down to the dojo everyone knows and
loves. Complete with two Ranma-shaped holes in the roof.

{There's a dojo in Nerima
Somewhere in time and space
And a martial artist named Saotome}

Ranma sprints out the door, obviously late for school.

{Who cannot leave this place}

Ranma is about to step out into the street when he collides with what
appears to be thin air. A green force bubble flickers, briefly. We can see
that it surrounds the entire grounds before it goes back to being invisible.
Ranma slumps to the ground.

{He's entrapped by a woman named Cologne}

Cut to the back room of the Nekohanten. Cologne is looking down at a scale
model of the house and dojo, over which lies a green plastic bubble. She has
an Evil Grin (TM) on her face.

{A magic-spouting bakemon-}

There is a loud ZORCH, as if a pteranodon has just collided with the World's
Largest Bug Zapper (TM), and the music abruptly ceases. Cologne looks at the
camera with a Look That Says "I Will Kill You Slowly and Painfully" (TM) on
her face.

Off-screen Singer: Umm... I don't think she liked that last line.

Another Off-Screen Singer: What was your first clue?

Cologne: Fix. It. Now.

First Off-Screen Singer: But that's not what we wrote down...

The sound of shuffling paper comes from somewhere.

Third Off-Screen Singer: Yeah. It doesn't even rhyme. Everyone knows you
pronounce it bakemonO...

There is another, smaller ZORCH. Cologne looks even angrier, if such a thing
is possible.

Third Off-Screen Singer (weakly): But that doesn't matter right now...

We then hear a very familiar voice...

Happosai (offscreen): Woohoo! She's cute when she's angry, eh boys?...
Boys?...

There are sounds of a scuffle offscreen, then the unmistakable sound of
someone being punted, then a "Woohoo..." fading off into the distance.

First Off-Screen Singer: Top of the stanza?

General sounds of agreement.

First Off-Screen Singer: All right then.

The music picks back up again.

{He's entrapped by a woman named Cologne,
A potion-popping Amazon crone-}

The music abruptly stops again. Cologne gives a resigned sigh, and the Look
disappears from her face.

Cologne: I can live with that.

The music starts up again.

{Her great-granddaughter Shampoo must be wed,
So Ranma stays inside the dojo 'till he's married or dead!}

Cologne downs a potion labeled "Essence of Amazon Voice" and begins singing:

Cologne: I'll send him cheesy stories,

She gestures to a box labeled "DANGER: Fanfic for Son-in-Law." Mousse cracks
the lid of the box and peeks inside. He face-faults almost immediately and
collapses against the wall, babbling incoherently.

Cologne: The worst that I can find. {la la la}

The Evil Grin (TM) comes on her face as she catches sight of Mousse's
predicament.

Cologne: He'll have to sit and watch them all

Shampoo sticks her head in through the doorway and Mousse immediately
recovers.

Shampoo: And soon Ranma will be mine! La la la!

She withdraws her head, and Mousse stares after her, love-struck. Cologne
looks on with more than mild distaste.

{Now keep in mind that he can't control
When the stories begin or end}

Cut to a shot of Ranma, lounging around the house. A cat appears, and,
screaming like a madman, Ranma runs away, into the dojo, knocking over a
table in the process. As he runs, he passes a panda who is holding up a
sign.

Genma: [La la la]

{But he'll try and suffer through them all
With the help of his dojo friends...}

Cut to a shot of the combined Saotome and Tendo families, sitting in the
dojo. A flickering light illuminates their faces, and everyone is laughing
hysterically.

{Dojo Roll Call!

Akane!}

We see a not-so-extreme close-up of Akane. She reddens in pure fury, pulls
out her mallet from HammerSpace (TM), and swings.

Akane: Baka!

There is a metallic crunch, and the camera abruptly pans left.

{Kasumi!}

We see a rather nice shot of Kasumi, slicing vegetables for a stir-fry. She
looks at the camera and smiles.

Kasumi: Oh my!

{Nabiki!}

We see Nabiki, hunched over her computer, scrolling through the day's
spreadsheets. She looks up, briefly.

Nabiki: I own you.

She then goes back to typing.

{Soooooooun!}

We see Soun, in tears on the couch. Behind him is a panda, holding up a
sign.

Genma: [Don't forget me!]

{If you're wondering how they eat and breathe,
And other science facts...}

The Tendo and Saotome families (sans Kasumi) look quizzically at the camera.

{Just repeat to yourself, "Hey, Kasumi's there.
I should really just relax."}

We see a shot of Kasumi, walking down a stairway into the basement and
turning on a light. The camera abruptly moves backward, revealing a massive
aisle leading out to infinity, potentially. Lining the left side are
cylinders labeled "Oxygen". Along the right side are huge wooden boxes, each
stenciled with the legend "Freeze-Dried Provisions. Good until 2565."

Kasumi: I'm glad I stocked up...

{For Mystery Ranma Theater 3000!}

The camera zip pans across the Japanese characters for the title, (except
the numbers, which are Arabic) which are carved in stone of some sort. It
stops briefly on each character as its English equivalent is sung.

The camera then moves back... to reveal Cologne supporting the left-most
stone with one hand, and Shampoo doing the same to the right-most stone.
Mousse is in the middle, on one knee, the bulk of the weight spread across
his outstretched arms and back. Think Atlas. He is making a valiant effort
to keep the blocks supported, and seems to be succeeding.

Fade to black.

Over the black screen, we hear a crash, then a pained moan.

Shampoo: Stupid TV's Mousse!

****

Well, there it is. As of yet, I have no plans to MiST (or should that be
MuRT) anything with this setup. But you never know...

Comments and criticism are welcome, as always. And let me know if you
laughed.

--Glazius