Subject: [FFML] [Ranma] [Self-Insertion] [Out of the Ordinary] Instant Insanity, Part 1
From: "Paul M. Arezina" <arezina@acad1.stvincent.edu>
Date: 3/2/1998, 12:20 AM
To:

Here we go again... Had to write this, didn't I? Oh well. It could be worse.
Don't know how, exactly. Oh, and I am coming from the Sonic-verse into
wherever else. That may clarify a few things in this story. Not many, but a
few.

"Instant Insanity"

A Ranma 1/2 Self-Insertion by Glazius Falconar

I take it you people can work the copyrights better than I can. And we all
know I'm certainly not out to make a buck off of this...

****

Something was wrong.

That was an understatement. The whole universe was wrong, as near as I could
figure. Mark's scans confirmed it; my teleportation from the Void had
shunted me Elsewhere. A different universe entirely... but where? And when,
for that matter?

Feudal Japan, as nearly as I could figure. I had flashed into existence
leaning up against one of the walls of what looked to be a rather palatial
bedroom. And the entire room was done in a very odd motif... black roses,
whether embroidered, artificial, or real, covered almost every surface. No
one ever said the wealthy had to be sane...

A young girl entered the room, a black rose in her hair. So this world was
Terran... most probably. She was Homo sapiens, with a probability of 99%,
based on the scans Mark could run. I wondered why she hadn't noticed me...
of course, my psychic cloak was up.

"Mark, consequences of lowering psychic cloak?"

"Analyzing... unknown, Glazius. Unable to connect to Avis Prime central
computer to access records."

"Try again, Mark."

"Attempting reconnection..."

I waited for a few seconds.

"One million consecutive reconnection attempts have failed, Glazius.
Conclusion: Avis Prime does not exist in this reality."

"Meaning no Prime Law?"

"Affirmative."

So I wouldn't have to worry about the consequences of making myself known.
That was fortunate... I needed to interact with the inhabitants of wherever
this was, in some capacity or other, to find out where I was and if I could
return to my native dimension. And I would prefer not to probe minds...
there's a lot more danger in that, for both me and whoever I'm probing, that
there would be in conversation.

I uncloaked and addressed the girl, who seemed to be deep in meditation of
some kind...

"Excuse me. Where am I?"

"My mother's bedroom." Her answer was clipped, as if recited by rote.

"Your mother?"

The reaction I got from those two words was most surprising. Most surprising
indeed.

"HOW DARE YOU!" She rose to her feet, obviously angered by what I had said,
and... pulled a hoop from nowhere? It shot toward my throat as I idly
wondered what in the world Mark had translated my statements to.

The hoop stopped half a wingspan away from my body and, glowing slightly,
fell to the ground. I breathed a sigh of relief... my practices had not been
for nothing. The hoop's kinetic energy had been converted to heat, thanks to
a little carefully applied entropic conversion, courtesy of a synthetic
Chaos Emerald. The girl seemed a bit dazed by this, but another hoop headed
for my throat.

The Earth's magnetic field grew abruptly strong in one particular region of
space-time, and this hoop was pulled to the ground as well.

She yelled something incoherent and rushed me... and suddenly seemed to
sprout clubs. Heavy wooden ones, wrapped in metal to increase the damage...

And conduct electricity. She was flung against the opposite wall by a surge
of static... and just lay there. Wonderful. I'd overdone it, drawn too much
power from the Emerald, and managed to electrocute someone. Didn't even know
who. I walked over, stepping gingerly, trying to avoid shredding the carpet
with my talons, and reached out with a wingtip to check her pulse.

Odd. It seemed fine. No sign of trauma or...

Her eyes suddenly snapped open, and a cloud of dust billowed into my face. I
shut my third eyelid, the way I would against a sandstorm, and waited for
the cloud to die down. I swallowed, reflexively, and discovered with some
distaste that some dust had landed in my open beak.

What was it the Professor had said? "The unexpected forces others to stop
and think," or something along those lines. Perhaps...

"Hmm... ordinary talc, laced with chloral... if I'm not mistaken."

It had the desired effect. The rage slowly left the girl's demeanor, and she
slowly got to her feet and stared at me. "What did you say?"

Wonderful. No concept of even the simplest chemical terminology. "Blinding
powder, mixed with dehydrated knockout drops. An unusual concoction, to say
the least."

She shook her head. "I know what you SAID. What I'm wondering is how you can
say it."

Oh. Of course. Having swallowed some of it... "It's a long story. Suffice it
to say I've been genetically re-engineered to break down toxins before they
can do anything to me. I take it you WANTED me unconscious?"

She actually giggled a bit. "That was the point. Poison doesn't affect you?"

"No. Not in the least."

That rage returned... but in more of an impish spirit than a vengeful one.
"Wonderful! I have some recipes I've been DYING to try..." She laughed
maniacally at the small pun she'd made, and skipped out of the room and down
the hall.

Insane. Most definitely insane. But I'd better humor her, at least until I
could leave this place...

****

"This is wonderful!"

"You're just saying that because it will kill you without the antidote."

"No, really, this is wonderful! When they tested the adjustments they'd made
to my digestive enzymes... they had absolutely no idea what food went with
what poison. No idea of what they tasted like at all. But this... the poison
actually accents the food! It's wonderful!" And I wasn't lying, either. I
just wondered how good her cooking would taste WITHOUT the right poison in
it. She used cytochrome blockers the way some saner individuals would use
ketchup.

"You're not feeling dead yet?" she asked, her words tinged with mock
sadness.

"Not even remotely drowsy. Sorry to disappoint you." To tell the truth, this
was a bit more fun that I'd expected. Knowing that what I was eating
wouldn't kill me helped tremendously.

"Good. Try this. I don't think anybody's ever made it quite this far..."

Salad? With vinaigrette dressing and... I sniffed cautiously. Almonds. "Do I
smell what I think I smell?"

She nodded, bubbling with laughter. Completely bonkers, I thought, as I ate
the greens. Tasty, as was everything else she'd served. A pity it would be
lethal to anyone else...

****

Another day spent in fruitless pursuit of his pig-tailed goddess. He sighed,
as he walked down the halls of the mansion to the grand dining room, armor
clanking with each step. That sorcerer Saotome had woven a powerful
enchantment indeed... and none of the counter-spells he had tried so far had
worked. But tomorrow was another day...

He stepped into the dining room, shoulders slumped in defeat. The Bard had
put it best. "Fair is foul..."

"And foul is fair! Hover through the fog and filthy air! I always did enjoy
MacBeth."

He took one look at the source of the voice and blanched. Perched on the arm
of a chair was a falcon. A five-foot tall falcon, who could talk, quote
Shakespeare, and - judging from the mound of dishes before him - eat his
sister's cooking with no need for antidotes. It could not have been more
clear were he wearing a name tag that said "Hello. My name is Evil
Sorcerer."

He could feel the rage building inside him, and reached for his bokken...
no, the katana would suit his purposes much better. He gripped the slightly
curved blade with both hands and prepared to strike the sorcerer from the
face of the earth.

The demon's response was less than expected. "You've done it again,
Magoo..." The sorcerer gave a cursory bow to his sister. "Well, I appreciate
the hospitality and the wonderful dinner, but I really must be going." With
that, the sorcerer leaped from its perch... which was split in two seconds
later by the katana, and glided across the room... passing through the
window?

He was a bit puzzled, but sheathed his katana with a self-satisfied smile.
The sorcerer was gone now. That was all that mattered.

****

Note to self: Insanity is often hereditary.

I was just thankful I remembered that Mark could sync my wavefunction with
that of other objects... or I would have had to fight another battle, and
risk losing control of myself again. I glided over the fence...

This wasn't feudal Japan at all. Late 20th-century was more like it, I
thought. Unless the mansion was a nostalgic building in a nostalgic district
of an even more advanced civilization. Which was entirely possible...

I idly ran a few scans, walking down an alleyway as I did so. No... this
place was definitely what it appeared to be. No trails in the sky, no
evidence of any power generation technology more advanced than fusion
power... that was odd. There seemed to be a slight dimensional rip, not two
wingspans from my current location. Just around the corner, in fact.
Strange... this certainly didn't seem like a power generation facility. I
stepped around the corner, intending to have a look at whatever was
happening...

And was hit, full in the chest-feathers, by a concentrated beam of blue
energy.

****

He was lost. That, in and of itself, was not unusual.

He had heard someone following him. That was also not unusual. Ranma seemed
to enjoy taunting him for his poor sense of direction. Well, he'd get a
nasty surprise.

He began calling upon his inner reserves, hammering his current predicament
over and over. He was hopelessly lost. Utterly, hopelessly, lost. He would
never find his way, not in a thousand lifetimes. He began to feel
increasingly sad, and the force began to build. That was not unusual.

And finally, Ranma stepped out behind him. He turned and unleashed the blast
before Ranma could even think about dodging it, and watched in smug
satisfaction as the blast carried Ranma across the city.

But wait a minute. He bent down to examine the ground... feathers? Ranma had
left feathers behind him? Since when did Ranma wear feathers? That was most
definitely unusual.

Shrugging, he continued his wanderings, heading to nowhere in particular.
That was not unusual.

****

And I'll leave it there for now. Don't worry, there'll be more tomorrow. But
right now... >YAWN< I'm getting tired.

Goodnight, everybody.

Glazius Falconar, Seeker of Knowledge in All Dimensions

(Powered by the mind of Paul Arezina)