Richard Beaubien Presents

Yet another spam fic that isn't spell checked, grammar checked or Insanity
checked. 

However the fic has been checked for lice, ticks, and fleas....

******

It was a bright sunny and cheerful day on the Plant Sammy. Everyone was
in state of extremely blissful happiness, singing and dancing as the noon
day sun warmed the fields. It was the harvest of the extremely tasty Puzzum
Fruit, a delicacy which made Sammy famous through out the universe. 

For not only does the Puzzum have a divine taste, it also has the side
effect of making everyone that eats incredibly, blissfully, and giddily
happy. So happy that a visit from the local Insurance salesman would be
seen as a reason to have a celebration. It's powers so great that an audit
could be as funny as your average sitcom, even if you did lose everything. 

And the fruit helped make everyone on the planet Sammy extremely happy,
despite the fact that the plant itself had a stench worse then the
municipal Garbage dump. Surroundings that made a war zone look like a fun
place to live, and a temperature that made vacationing on the desert planet
of Yumishika seem like a dream vacation. 

But everyone was happy and that was all that mattered.

Well it wasn't all that mattered to the only non happy person on the
planet, the solitary man that was brooding under one of the toxic tree
tops. Unlike the others Mr. Yamucha couldn't afford to dance around in
happiness and ignore life. For he had a mission of supreme importance to
carry out, a mission of which the entire fate of the galaxy depended on. 

Not that he didn't want to dance around like a giddy idiot, naive to
everything important. But if that happened chances are everything would
cease to exist or his head would be mashed open by one of his coworkers,
much like one of them was doing now to delightful cheers of the native
Sammyians.

"If they keep it up they might just use poetry on them," a voice from
behind the man said in a dry tone. 

"I doubt it, I think there are limits to the mind intoxicating powers of
the fruit." Though he wasn't sure about that.

"Who knows, that group of Kid's over there seem to be having fun with the
poetry. Hell they're even offering hints on how to make it better."

"Blimy, we should of never hired them in the first place," Mr. Yamucha
shrugged hoping he couldn't hear the poetry over here. Suddenly even a
small bite of the fruit was looking even more appealing by the minute. "So
what do you have to report now?"

"We found him. Found two of him actually."

"Your kidding, two of them?"

"Yes sir, we have photo evidence of them right here." the lackey said as he
handed over the photo's to Yamucha. In his hands where photo evidence of
the person he was sent to hunt, the person that forced him to
work closely with Vogon's. And upon closer look even he had to agree that
they where indeed, two different people. "Agent D really did some good
work on these photo's right Mr. Yamucha?"

"This is a bad sign. I don't like this."

"We have one unit down there taking care of him right now, but we may need
another to take of the other one. It seems he wants to leave the planet,
at least that's what the message we intercepted said." The underling
smiled as he produced a tape from his pocket. "Do you want to listen to
it?"

"No, it's fine. Have we done something about this?"

"We have blocked the transmission of the message. We should have a ship
ready to pick him up soon in case the on planet agents don't work."

"This seems too clean, and two at once," Yamucha frowned as he thought
things through. Their was only supposed to be one, he was told. And the
fact that their are two seemed to imply that there was something that even
he didn't know about. And Yamucha did not like stuff being hidden from
him. "Anything else to report?"

"Nothing much beyond a stellar invasion fleet coming into kick butt. We
estimate that the planet has maybe 1 week of life left at most." 

"Then perhaps we should take things into our own hands then. I'll be
heading to this planet to over see this little operation myself."
Suddenly a thundering roar filled the sky as a gleaming gold space ship
descended from the sky. With the ramp slowly opening up, the Sammyians
started to cheer and sing the space ship invader song. A song which was,
Yamucha noted, nauseatingly happy and cute like the rest of them. "All
right, everyone on board."

And as the Vogon's slowly started to board the ship the natives decided to
sing them a goodbye song, the cheerfully upbeat 'We're getting slaughtered
song!'. With the colour of Sammyians being hit by Kill-O-Matic guns
filling the sky the locals had yet another festival to celebrate on this
happy day. Another festival joining the 10000000 which where celebrated on
that day alone.

****

Richard Beaubien Presents 

A Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon/Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy Crossover

An Eating Guide to the Silver Millennium  Part 3: 100% Imitation Crab Meat
served with a topping of Genuine Artificial Cheese Spread

****

A Cliff Hanger is a great many things really. 

The Hitch Hikers guide to the galaxy has two separate entries for a Cliff
hanger. The First one describes a cliff hanger as a rather popular dish at
an obscure restaurant in the Della system. The Dish is made up of a mish
mosh of ingredients which change from dish to dish, and the people eating
take a risk as to whether or not it tastes good or if it will kill them.
Many an adventure had tried the famous cliff hanger dish, but only a few
had lived through to tell the tale.

(Which of course only pushed the popularity of the dish through the roof
producing the slightly less risky, but just as popular, Yuppie Cliff
Hanger for the rich and famous. The patrons their only risked at the worst
a mild tummy ache and a one day flu upon eating the dish.)

The second entry deals with the literary irony of the cliff hanger and how
to handle it while hitchhiking. It says that a cliff hanger is a
situation where you have no idea if your going to survive or not. It
describes these as hopeless situations ranging from facing down a squad of
Xylon marines with Kill-O-Matic gun's to not having a can opener to open
up the only piece of food you have while your starving to death. The
situations vary but one thing remains constant, you have no idea what's
going to happen next. 

Taking that into account then the author has concluded that the next scene
is not the continuation of a cliff hanger since the outcome was never in
doubt from the first place. It's blatantly obvious who's going to survive
and who's going to get their butt's kicked.

But just for fun sake let's do the scene anyway....

*****

"Vogon's...Not them again!!" The man exclaimed as the two beings leveled
their gun's at him. "Not bloody again!!!" He yelled as he saw them pull
the trigger on the Kill-O-Matic gun's, ready to send a white hot
projectile death his way.

A projectile death that never came, the man noted as he slowly opened his
eyes. He felt very much in one piece, a rare feeling for a man that
should of taken a Kill-O-Matic blast in the chest. But instead of burnt
flesh and taunting Vogon's standing over his corpse there was two girls in
rather skimpy looking Sailor Suits standing in front of him. One had a
rather stupid looking key object in front of her, while the other had a
dumb looking staff with a blade on top of it. It all struck him as being
beyond weird really, stranger than the strangest thing he ever experience. 

Even stranger than the time with the Lumpolish slime beast and the spork of
doom, he noted. "Bugger, is this some sign for me to lay off the
drinks!?!" he yelled out loud, not really expecting an answer. 

"Calm down, we're here to help," the weird girl with the giant Key said,
trying her best to reassure him. It wasn't working really, since he knew
that a Giant Key really couldn't do much against a Kill-O-Matic gun. But
then he was alive because of them. Maybe they could do something to
protect him. 

"Dinner is a time to spend with family and friends. That is a time that
shouldn't be interrupted." the man groaned loudly as the girl with the
blade staff broke into her speech. Speech's wouldn't work against them,
not the masters of the most dangerous form of speech in the universe. 

"And I will not tolerate such an interruption. For I am.." but that
statement wasn't finished by the young girl. Instead one of the Vogon's
decided to fire a shot that manage to miss the girl by a few inches,
clipping off a bit of her in the process. The man noted, with a sour
expression, that he and the girls would be dead soon if he didn't do
anything. He just need to find something to do..

"Enough Speaking, if you don't hand over that man we'll be forced to kill
everyone here. Or even worse," The Vogon threatened, drawing gasps from
the entire crowd. "Come now Ford Prefect, do you think you can get away
from us?"

"Well you can't blame a guy for trying can you," Ford laughed, trying to
buy a few more seconds for his mind to figure a way out of this mess. But
it seemed no idea's where forth coming. 

"Well then I guess you can't blame us for reading a bit of poetry then. I
has been a while since I've last practiced and I've been looking forward
to get back at it." Ford stiffened as the rest of the room relaxed. The
fools thought that they would be hearing normal poetry, but they would
soon know the terror's of Vogon poetry. A terror he seemed to have a lot
of experience with already. 

"You...You!!!" the young girl with the sharp stick muttered as finally the
cut bit of her hit the ground beside her, ironically adding to the
dramatic tension of the scene. If Ford didn't know better he would of
sworn it was like he was in a movie. Of course if it was then he could 
call in his stunt double to deal with this crap while he went and got punch 
drunk. But the chances of that happening...

"I never get to do a speech, never," the young girl cried as she slowly
walked forward, Ford being the first to notice her face. "And when I
finally get to do one you interrupt me." Suddenly the rest of the restaurant
could see her face, as they began to gasp. 

"For that you will pay. Die.." the young girl whispered, not a hint of
emotion on her face. And for the first time in his life Ford swore he
almost saw a look of fear on a Vogon's face. Ford himself was terrified
beyond the belief, along with the rest of the patrons. In fact the only
person that wasn't scared witless was the girl with the weird giant key.
She looked on with a strange look, a look like she knew what the outcome
was. A look that was accompanied by a wry smile.

A smile that made Ford feel very uncomfortable indeed.

Ford was snapped out his thoughts though by the sound of a Kill-O-Matic
gun going off. Quickly turning around he saw the young girl parry the
attack with the blade, before turning around and yelling 'Silence glaive
surprise'. 

And before he knew it the Vogon that had been attacking them was turned
into a pile of dust before his eyes. Just like that, a young girl had
turned one of the most feared species in the entire universe into a common
household problem. And it scared the hell out of Ford.

It scared him so much that he started to slowly back out the door, away
from both the crazy girl and the remaining Vogon. And he turned his head
around he could see that the Vogon himself had the same idea, though he
seemed to be doing it rather quickly too. But not quick enough.

"Dead Scream," the weird girl with key whispered, sending out a ball of
energy from the key. Ford looked on in amazement again as the terrified and
escaping Vogon was once again reduced to dust in an instant. And a scary
though suddenly entered his mind. He wondered if he himself could be
turned into a pile of dust.

"Prefect-san," The girl with the staff called for him as she walked over.
"Perhaps we can talk for a bit, I have some interesting questions I need to
ask you."

"Yes," Ford numbly replied, revising his thinking on an escape plan. After
all he had little experience dealing with over powered psycho speech girls
in short skirts. "If you'll allow me to sit down, I'd quite fancy a pint
of bitter right about now."

****
 
Meanwhile, at the fringe of our solar system, all of the ships in the
Kargon armada prepared to execute the one true war tactic they had always
used. And used to the utmost success. 

For the Kargon's had assembled there entire space fleet to overwhelm one
tiny little insignificant little planet. It would be a glorious massacre
that the muses would sing about for ages, admiring their cruelty as
they wiped this planet from the universe.

Who knows, they might even build an interstellar by pass through here
named after the chief commander for the stellar fleet. 

All in all it would be a great morale boost for the Kargon's at home.
Nothing cheered the people up like a good old planet destruction. 
And if the Kargon's had their way, the planet would soon be destroyed in a
matter of day's.

And none of the people on the planet would know what hit them, or so the
Kargon's thought.

But then they didn't expect a time guardian to be hanging around earth
either. 

****

It was a pleasant sunny day, one of many that seemed to come in Hawaii at
this time of the year. It was early spring here and the sun was warm
enough to be hot yet not hot enough to be a bother. In fact the weather
was perfect for a vacation. Absolutely no rain at all had fallen over the
past 3 day's, and if things stayed that way it would be the perfect
vacation ever. 

And Setsuna had a funny feeling that the weather would remain sunny for
the remainder of the week. Of course it helped that she knew what the
weather was going to be like during her vacation, her powers with time had
made sure she would pick the best week to have her vacation. But that didn't
take away from the thrill of actually having a perfectly sunny vacation...

"Excuse me," a young man bowed as he walked past Setsuna. A man, she
noted, that was Japanese like most of the people on the beach. She
supposed it was a side effect of the date she picked to vacation really. 

The Yen was a lot stronger against the dollar in the mid 80's then in 98,
and Setsuna wanted to make sure she could get her money's worth on her
trip. Besides there was something else on the beach that she wanted to try
that only existed in the 1980's and not in the 1990's. Something so
excessive that it called out to her as the thing she had to do for the
first part of her vacation, before she went on a hunting trip with
Napoleon. 

She had to experience the Buffet from Hell, a dinner so terrible that
nobody had ever finished it before. It's portions where immense and the
dishes where rumored to be never ending. And if you ate it all the dinner
would be free, but if you couldn't...

Setsuna didn't want to think about that, she knew she had the best chance
to beat such a dinner. After all she was a guardian of time, and even if
she couldn't finish a dish she could always bend the rules a bit. After
all there was no law saying that she couldn't abuse her powers slightly.

But then that wasn't what was bothering her really. It was the sudden
feeling that something very awful was going to happen with the world very
soon and Setsuna needed to go back to the present a deal with it. 

Of which Setsuna replied with a rather sharp 'Go away, Naru can handle
hit and I want to eat some rib's'. 
 
This puzzled Setsuna's sub conscious, for it was rare for Meiou to ignore a
potential time paradox. And it had very shaky feeling that this one could
be too much for the inexperience young girl to handle. It tried to tell
Setsuna of this, but all she got in replay was the rib's were good and up
next is the world famous mashed potatoes so sod off.

Of course this was Setsuna's sub conscious, and it was every bit as
manipulative as Setsuna's was in real life. And with out a second thought
she suggested (well it wasn't really a suggestion, more like a gentle form
of brainwashing except that it wasn't gentle at all really. The sub
conscious had to use a hydrolic drill to get firmly into Setsuna's mind)
that Meiou might want to visit the Tokyo Tower and experience the famous
views from there. 

Something Setsuna was more than happy to do, because that was the most
important part of her vacation really. She really couldn't believe why she
put it off for so long. And after finishing off the potatoes and paying the
bill, Setsuna left to visit the Tower like she always planned to do from
the get go.

"Thank god she's gone, she had the look like she could finish off the
entire meal and then some more," One of the waiters sighed as he talked
to the chef.

"Yeah, but the newcomers should be easy targets. Just look at the dopey
kid and the shriveled old man, they shouldn't even last past the 3rd
course. And the women, ha!!"

"Don't worry, I'll start them off mild to run up the bill!!" The waiter
said as he left the chef's tent to head towards the table. As he moved
closer he could see what a couple of idiots the guy's where, they wouldn't
last long. As for the young woman, well she looked normal and all but she
did not have the look like a person who could finish such a demanding
meal. It was going to be an easy pay day again for the Buffet from Hell.

"Hello, How may I help you Miss, Miss?" 

"Sakura," the young lady replied with a glint coming from her smile, "And
I'd like to order 3 of your buffet dishes please."

****

It has often been rumored, though rarely confirmed, that among the first
alien visitors to the planet in the distant history of man (a fact that
can be easily proved by the mark of one of the greatest practical joke
teams in the universe, the Julian Jubei Jokesters, a mark which consists
of desert pyramids and a Sphinx like structure) was a species known as
the Yuuman Yutlebut's. 

And through a complete and totally pointless accident the Yuuman blood got
mixed into the human gene pool. And while this is a rumor, it is based on
some fact. It is proven because all generations of Yuuman/Human ancestors
manage to split the traits of their Yuuman forefathers. Some manage to get
the ugly side of the Yuuman gene pool, turning into a shriveled up prune
before their time. And the other, more lucky descendents end up getting
the the eternally slim waste line that all Yuuman's are famous for. 

Needless to say the one's with the good gene's go on to become super
model's while the others go into hiding or become rather eccentric old
people with strange and mystical powers. 

Of course this is only a rumor....

****

"They what? How could they!!" the lackey screamed, seeming to think that
his yelling could actually change the fact that the Vogon's on earth
actually failed on their task. "It's not possible, nobody on that dust
ball has anything to stop a Kill-O-Matic Gun!!!"

"How do you know, eh?" Yamucha wryly added from his command chair. He was
getting bad vibes from this place since he first heard it was the
location of the one they needed to hunt. And these vibes increased ever
since he had found out that they where indeed 2 of those people on the
planet right now. "They could have stuff to handle it, you just never
know."

"But we do know, we've done a lot of research on this planet and we now
exactly how dangerous it is."

"And how dangerous is it?"

"It's mostly Harmless." 

"I wonder," Yamucha muttered, wondering if this place was really as
harmless as people where making it out to be.

****

There is one fundamental problem with every book ever published, and this
ranges from your grade 9 text book to the Encyclopedia Galatica to even the
most read and trusted publication in the galaxy, the Hitchhikers Guide. And
that problem is this; the book itself generally reflects the bias of the
person or person's writing the book. 

For example through a few strokes of a pen and creative placing of a few
words here the novel the 'History of Wang Wing Bong' was able to turn
public opinion against the founder of the government on the planet Wang.
Within the span of a year the book had changed the image of the prime
minister from a kindly old man to being that of evil itself and then back
again. 

Such is the power of the written word.
 
And that power often increases through the respect of the publication. The
Hitchhikers Guide is one such publication whose printed words are treated
like a gospel of truth, despite the fact that many entry's have rarely
been checked or double checked. They accept the opinion of the author at
face value and assume that what he says is correct even if he has only
spent a minute on said planet before hiking off to one of the near by
pleasure planets. 

And their is of course the fact that guide is often taken as a source of
every piece of important information about a planet or region of space
when in reality the guide is just a travel book. It offers advice on
surviving on a strange planet, how to eat on the planet, and how to get a
good drink that won't end up pickling your entire body. Under no
circumstances does the guide entries provide help for aspiring war lords
wanting to build a galactic empire. Still that doesn't stop them from using
the guide as a road map to galactic power

Of course in the end just because a planet is 'Mostly Harmless' to
hitchhikers doesn't mean it's mostly harmless to armies of evil. Which is
what some war lords have found when the placed one of these Harmless
planets in the Milky Way on their war path only to be met with a rather
rude and violent surprise...

****

"So your the guardian of this planet right?" Ford asked as he downed yet
another class of Sake, a drink he had become rather fond of in a quick
amount of time. It went down quickly and had just enough kick to it to
give Ford a buzz. And Ford needed a good buzz. 

"Yes, we do serve as guardians for this planet," Saturn nodded, quite
amazed that Ford was still managing to make a bit of sense after
slamming down 3 sake bottles. 

"But what's really wonky, and humor me on this, is the fact your called
Saturn and Pluto. I mean if your really the guardians of Earth why not go
by Earth, or Terra or Tokyo even?"

Saturn began to speak before Pluto interrupted her, "Well it's nice that
your having a good laugh at our expense but perhaps we should get on to
more important things. Like say how you managed to get two of those
Vogon's after you?"

"Vogon's, well I dunno really," Ford mumbled, a sudden thought breaking
through his sake induced haze. "Perhaps there after me because I know they
want to build a Galactic bypass here sometime soon." Ford downed another
drink before he realized the implications of the statement. "Hmm, perhaps
I might be able to get a lift of this planet from you two chaps then."

"Not likely," Pluto mused, her face revealing nothing of what she thought,
"Especially since the Vogon's aren't going to over run the planet anytime
soon."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," and Naru was positive, for she knew that Setsuna had managed to
find the location for the plans of the bypass. She knew that Setsuna filed
a complaint, and knew that Setsuna managed to strike fear into the hearts
of the Vogon's threw some rather hideous and evil means that don't fit
into a family story like this. Naru knew all of this, and she didn't know
how. "In fact these Vogon's are after you for a different reason. And you
know it Prefect-san."

"Huh, what are you talking about?" Ford said, suddenly looking for any
path to escape from here. Something that would take him far away from
Vogon's and Sailor Suited little girls. 

"Why if you don't know Mr. Prefect then perhaps you should follow us
then?" Pluto smiled a trusting smile which was anything but reassuring for
Ford. It also drew a curious glance from Saturn, who also didn't seem to
know what was going on at the time. This also, curiously, made Ford feel
even less secure about going off with Pluto.

"Err, Pluto are you sure about this?"

"Yes, I am." Pluto said before she whispered something to Saturn. Suddenly
her look of concern turned into a rather confident smile, a smile that
Ford also didn't like one bit. "So are you ready to go?"

Ford's mind hit over drive here, for he was sure he had to get away from
her. Away from these people that could turn him into a pile of dust. But
something else was coming through, a thought that he had to trust this
Pluto person. That she would be the person to put things right and stop
the madness he was going through. 

So Ford made a decision that would probably change his life forever.
"Okay, lead on fair Pluto!!"

****

In order to establish some things for future reference, yes Naru knows
exactly what's going on and how to handle it. She knows just what the
story is behind Ford, and she does know how he fits into it. 

She also knows why she indeed became Sailor Pluto, the reason behind all
of the other chaos, and also the secret formula for Coke and the exact
reasoning behind the failed launch of New Coke. 

In fact Naru knew a lot of stuff she really didn't wish to know, a lot of
stuff she put into effect through her own manipulations. And knowing all
of this only meant that Naru was in an even worse mood than she was in
when she started this day from hell. 

It truly was a hell day after all, and it could only get worse from here
Naru noted.

****

Ford sighed as he managed to use up the last of his quarters for the
telescope. It had already been a day since he sent his distress call
through space and still the sky's showed no signs of his rescue ship at
all, though the towers telescope wasn't really suited to stellar
observation. 

All of this just made Ford want to cry, for soon the planet he had grown
to love would be run over by a power hungry army. And even more
importantly he would be on the planet when it would be run over. If only
someone could come and save him from his doom. After all he did have Happy
meal's to give them...

Of course fate has a funny way of answering prayers. Sometimes it ignores
them, sometimes it laughs at them by doing the exact opposite. And
sometimes it answers them, though usually when that happens people wish
they where never answered at all. Ford's prayers of course where just
answered when he saw the person appear in front of him. 

"Hello are you here to help me leave the planet Miss?" Ford said as he
bowed in front of her. "I have Happy meals to give you if we leave early."

"And why would I want a Happy meal," The green haired young lady replied,
a look of disgust appearing on her face. "I mean I just came from a great
buffet with BBQ Rib's and you think I'd want to eat that?"

"But it's the greatest meal ever made!! Just look at the grease that
glistens off the fries, look at the melted cheese and pickles on the bun.
Can you not say that this is the greatest food ever made? Besides it came
with a toy!!" Ford exclaimed as he produced a wind up pink car from his
pocket. He shouted screams of joy as he wounded it up and lit run across
the floor of the tower.

"Figures, I'd have to get stuck with the idiot."

"Well it serves you right you know?" A voice from behind her exclaimed.
Setsuna knew who it was though, and it didn't help her mood improve at
all. 

"Pluto, Saturn, and you." She hissed turning around to see the two Senshi
and Ford Prefect looking around with a sharp eye. An eye that seemed to
have intelligence gleaming from it unlike the git with the wind up toy. 

"Bloody, he looks just like me!!" Prefect exclaimed as he looked over the
grown man that was on all fours and chasing a wind up toy. 

"Why hello there! You must like Happy meals as much as I do, want one."

Ford didn't know what to do with the offer. He didn't know if he should
laugh, cry, or scream at the same time. His brain was going into over drive
trying to think of the possibilities. For standing in front of him was his
exact double and he was, without a doubt, the biggest git in the history
of the universe. "Bloody!!"

"Well we're all here right now, so that means we only have a few more
minutes to go until they arrive."

"Who are they?" Ford asked, trying to ignore the person in front of him,
"I thought you said the Vogon's wouldn't bother this planet."

"No, the Vogon's won't. It's the Kargon's we should be worried about!"
Setsuna exclaimed as she held up her Henshin rod and shouted out "Pluto
Planet Power make up!!" 

For both Ford's it was the first time they had seen a magical girl
transformation. And for both of them they had only one thought go through
their head. It was...

"Why hello Ford, how nice of you to come and see us," which wasn't what Ford
was thinking, but it did seem rather important since the voice did seem
to have a few Vogon's with it. 

"Oh boy," Ford Prefect sighed, knowing full well what would happen next. A
pointless fight with people dyeing and the Sailor Suited Girls turning
things to dust piles. It all sounded wonderful pointless, so pointless
that the two Pluto's had smiles on their faces. 

Let it be stated right now that Setsuna, much Like Naru, knew the reasons
as to why she was here and not eating her buffet. She knew the reason
behind her picking up a replacement Senshi and she knew that everything fit
together in a neat little package that annoyed the hell out of her.

All in all her mood quite matched Naru's.

And let it be known (for the Hitchhikers guide does state this, in Big Bold
letters too) that it's not in your best interest to get two time guardians
angry. 

And the two Pluto's where very angry indeed....

To Be Continued....

Ja ne!!

Richard Beaubien
----------------
Matsunaga Mikage "Chemistry Forever!!!"

Fanfic homepage http://www.anime.usacomputers.net/~beaubird