Here's another draft/take. Hope you all find it amusing. Hopefully, the
formatted characters from Word97 will show up okay!
How To Be A Superhero is a work by Mark Levine, Ranma is owned by Rumiko
Takahashi. This is not meant to be an offense to either. Don't sue.
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Chapter Three: Fabio? You Look Like A Gorilla Girl...
A Ranma character as a career choice? Well, it's a new one,
that's for sure. I'm guessing nobody in your family would have guessed
you for the type. If they could, then there's something very wrong with
that picture.
Well, you have the personality problem more or less taken care of.
That's great. Only now you need to figure out what your mug looks like;
and I don't mean the coffee kind. We're talking serious facial features
and bodily charms. We need to get you a body, in shape or out of shape,
it doesn't matter. However, you need to know a few things before we delve
into the realm of the physical make-up. Take a look at the quick overview
below to get a feel for yourself (pun intended). It does a body good.
I. The Complete Body Workout
A. Male or Female? Both?
B. Wow! You Look Great For A ____(fill in the blank)-Year Old!
C. Normal Build or King Slender?
II. Physical Looks: To Die For, Or To Die Of?
A. Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful
B. I Hate You Because You're Beautiful
III. Just What Do You Wear Under That?
A. Normal Everyday Wear, Martha Stewart Style
B. Fashion Do's And Don'ts When You're At War
Let's Get Those Hearts Pumping Everybody! And A-one, And A-two, And
A-three...
Before you can be a Ranma character, you've got to have a custom
fit body.
Are you fat or thin, tall or short, fit or flabby, blond or purple haired?
These questions should be easy to answer, unless you've never seen
yourself before. Of course, if you scored below a 5 on the pre-test, that
may be a distinct possibility. We're hoping you didn't score that low.
So let's get that first question out of the way. It's a fairly
simple one and one we shouldn't need to elaborate on. Are you a man or a
woman? In those rare cases (which we will discuss in a later chapter),
that you can be both, this question is moot. Otherwise, pick a gender,
preferably your own. Still need us to elaborate? Go to the bathroom and
look at yourself. If you still need an explanation, seek professional
help.
The next question is just as simple. Just how old are you?
Moreover, do you look your age? Are you an eighty-year-old woman with a
ravishing twenty-something body? Forget it. That doesn't exist. If
you're anything above sixty, you're less than three feet tall and have the
complexion of a prune. Too bad. If you're a twenty-something Gen-Xer,
then seek a profession immediately. You'll need to get a career that
matches that adult body of yours; granted you'll still look like the
respective hunk/femme fatale you are, but along with those killer looks
come a killer responsibility to society. Then there are those impertinent
eighteen year old people that run around causing havoc for the general
populace of the city. You'll look like you're a hip young adult, ready
for those galactic battles that happen to fall right in Nerima and remain
localized there. Are you younger than that? Then better get used to the
super-deformed look. Nothing like having little kids around to keep the
saccharine levels up with the cutesy factor. Of course, if you're a
character like Shampoo, you could probably do that all by your lonesome.
Either way, pick an age (not one that's your shoe size), and stick to it.
You're going to have the corresponding body for an episode at least, and
perhaps a few seasons if you're good.
So let's think about body type. If you're male, it's usually safe
to assume that you're going to want a body that women will lose fifty IQ
points over. If you're a female, you're probably going to want a body
that men would kill each other to see; even if fully clothed in winter
garb. However, this is not always a possibility. After all, Ranma
trained himself for ten years to get the body he has now. If your idea of
exercise is lifting Fritos out of the bag and over to the bean dip, then
no dice. We could possibly shave about ten pounds using "artistic
license," but it usually is only cosmetic in nature. If you want the body
people would die for, you're going to have to die for it. Really, we mean
it. Exercise and an overly zealous health food diet will insure such a
body. However, we will admit that there is a fair amount of leeway if you
plan on becoming a series mainstay. Why don't we focus on a few main body
types: gorilla, jolly, normal, and prune.
Now while we wish to stress that we aren't discriminating against
gravimetrically gifted people, we have to indicate that this is a cold
fact in Ranma . If you have a normal body or a thinner build, you get the
normal anime body. This is the body that can easily be turned into the
ripping powerhouse that Ryoga or Ranma is. If you're very overweight (as
in obese), you get the jolly body. This is in no way changing your
fighting ability. Take for instance the Casino King ("you lose!"), and
his body type. The Casino King is not a person with the normal body type.
In fact, as is the case with Mr. Panda, he has a jolly body type. Please
note that this is not necessarily tied to Genma's body type (an issue
which will be discussed in further detail later on).
Then there is the normal body type. This is self-explanatory,
naturally. Examples include Akane, Ranma, Nabiki, Kasumi, Ukyou, Shampoo,
the Kunous, and more or less everyone considered normal by the standards
set by the series. While you may object and say that some people that
possess the normal body type have better proportions than any model (male
or female) will ever have, we simply point out that when you get animated,
you get your most prominent features stressed. When you get animated,
you'll get to watch those love handles disappear like magic. Just wait
until the animators work their magic on you. You won't be complaining
when they're done, believe you me. It should also be stressed that those
people who are a little skinnier than most (like Gosunkuge) also count as
having a normal body type. In the Ranma series, you'll find that on
average those that are considered skinny, are actually fairly normal. The
emphasis on features, such as bags under the eyes, simply leads to the
impression of being emaciated or atrophied.
So now we're left with the gorilla body type. You might ask us
what this is supposed to mean, and we might have a few questions to ask in
return. To put it simply, the gorilla body is one where the character is
so muscled they look ridiculous. Now while a person with a gorilla body
type may possess endurance, stamina, and strength of a hundred thousand
Dolph Lundgrens, you'll still look absolutely silly with all those excess
muscles (who ever heard of twenty-four-pack abs?). Also, it should be
noted that both men and women could have this particular body type, just
like any other body type. As it is, we are forced to cite an extremely
esoteric incident where one is displayed. For those that have seen the
anime, please refer to the episode with Tofu Ono's mother. In that
particular episode, she hands the poor doctor a picture of the Miss Tokyo
bodybuilding competition. Remember the picture? Don't want to for your
own health reasons? Well, that's the picture you should refer to. How
about that scene that showed Shampoo beating the bejeezus out of another
Amazon in her introductory episode? Remember what the Amazon looked like?
Were you surprised it was an Amazon, and not a guy from a neighboring
village? Yet again, the gorilla body type strikes fear into the hearts of
people worldwide.
We should also point out the prominence of the prune body type.
As you get older you will shrink from your body type and switch to the
prune body type. Now while you may protest to the switch, you must keep
in mind the advantages you will gain (but these will be discussed later
on). The prune body type is exemplified by both Happosai and Cologne.
Note the very low center of gravity, vertically challenged stature and
"smallness" of the build. The body type could be considered "normal" for
the age group, but the prominence of wrinkles on the body and the
contortion of the figure in some, merit the classification unique from the
normal body type. It should also be noted that there is no gray area in
this classification. You are either one or another. Cologne as a
youthful, nubile Amazon would have been classified at the time as a normal
person. On her sixtieth birthday, Cologne woke up a shriveled prune of a
woman. No gradient here folks, just "KAZAAM!" and there you go.
Now remember that while we've discussed these things independent
of each other, you can't forget that they influence each other greatly.
There isn't a Ranma character that lives a few seasons with a
chronological age of 80, but a twenty year old body. It just doesn't
happen. Moreover, if that person had a twenty-something body and a
gorilla type to boot, then you're in for trouble. Check out another
series if that's what you want, because you won't find it here. Just look
at all the mainstays. All of them have the appropriate body type, age,
and gender combinations that make for success. Now you may accuse the
show of some sexist things, or perhaps a few aspects that tread a fine
line between normal and perverted, but this is anime after all. If you're
looking to pick a fight just to get in, then join a worthy cause or some
minesweepers. Either way, you'll do the Ranma-watching populace a favor.
We would also like to stress the fact that other body types exist
in Ranma . The aforementioned body types are merely the most prominent
and the most noteworthy. If you truly feel that another body type is
necessary for your character, then by all means follow it to your heart's
content; but don't yell at us if you fail in your endeavors of becoming a
cast regular.
Mirror, Mirror On The Wall, Who's the Fairest One of All?...Well Screw You
Too!
So you've gotten this far without losing that last shred of
self-esteem you would consider your humanity. We applaud you (insert golf
clap here)! Kudos to you. Now we move on to something even more fun -
actually humiliating knowing how you look.
The truth of the matter is, people can tell who you are by two
basic things: your body type, and your face. We've been through the body
type already, so now we move onto the most identifying part of your body,
your facial features. Yes, take a look into a mirror and see just how
truly beautiful (or not) you are. Note your hair, eyes, nose, ears,
mouth, and chin.
Your Ranma self might need some hair. If you are completely
bald, or wish to be so, then skip this section. If you're still reading,
then you have hair. In reality, hair is a protein fibrous substance that
grows in strands from various parts of our body, but most noticeably from
your scalp. In Ranma , however, hair is a large mass that sits atop your
head, something like a designer helmet. Your hair can be any color you
want it to be, but make sure you don't choose colors that are mixtures of
several colors, i.e., don't decide on having your clan tartan as your hair
color. You'd look like you're wearing a kilt on your head, and then
things would become very embarrassing very fast. Instead, choose one of
many colors that do not exist in nature. Perhaps a touch of fuscha would
highlight those blood red eyes. If you're more a spring person, we'd
suggest a gentle salmon. In any case, pick a color that will undoubtedly
garnish the attention those flowing tresses of yours merit.
Now that you are the proud owner of some hair, you're going to
need to know what style the hair is. That is to say, we need you to
determine in what fashion you wear your hair. Are you into the
androgynous pageboy cut, or are you hip to the macho navy SEALs crew? Are
you grunge, or just grungy? Do you wear a pigtail, or a ponytail? Do you
go for the flowing waves of amber, or the just-electrocuted look? Do you
like to wear your hair like a manly man, or a manly woman? Do you like
wearing your hair like your mother, even if you were your mother's
favorite boy? If you're female, do you have long hair, as in, do you have
hair that reaches past your waist? Do you have shorter hair, like
Akane's? Luckily, you females (or those that dress as such) will have the
advantage of always being able to choose the default hairstyle, which
looks good on (nearly) anyone. In any case, find the style of hair that
will undoubtedly focus everyone's attention to your head, even if it is in
spite; but hey, don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
Now that you've got hair, you're going to need some facial
features. The most prominent and important of all of them are your eyes.
The eyes are what will shape the face and will give you expression. So
make sure you know what your eyes look like. What color are they? Is one
a different color than the other? Does one float aimlessly like Peter
Falk's Columbo? Do both float aimlessly? Are there any distinguishing
features that make your eyes no one else's, i.e., you have just one eye,
or do you have fifteen? Do they pop out on occasion? Do you have
eyestalks? Do you just have the stalks and no eyes? Perhaps one of your
eyes is a glass eye. Is it shiny? Does it blind people when you blink?
Can you take it out of the socket? Can you throw it over your shoulder
like a continental soldier? Do your eyes hang low on your face? Don't
know what your eyes are like? Take a look at them up close, however we do
not recommend actually removing them from their sockets (purely option).
Just look in the mirror.
Your mouth and your nose, unfortunately, are going to be the same
as everybody else's, unless of course, they're different. How can they be
different, you ask? There are many reasons! Of course, having a
different number of noses and mouths then everybody else makes them
different. They may be exaggerated, for example, not having a nose, or
having lips the size of Montana - those silicone implants do wonders these
days. Be sure to recognize that your lips may also attract attention.
Those writers of smut sure do love pointing out her "pouting lips" or
"quivering lips." Go ahead and indulge in some soft, supple, pouty lips.
Just don't overdo it. You want people looking at your face, not just your
lips. In any case, pick a corresponding ratio that would fit your body
type best. Remember, a young nubile Amazon would not have lips that look
the rear end of a gorilla turned sideways. Well, there might be one
somewhere, but we digress. You get the idea.
Now that you are adding the final touches to your physical appearance,
remember to try not to be normal, rather, be creative (but not to the
point of becoming uglier than you are - did we just say that?)! As you
now have free rein over what you look like, we strongly suggest you to
lose any sense of normalcy you might have and go for the strange and
demented. (Note: you may lose a great deal of sex appeal rating points
for the strange and demented. Or, depending on the case, you may gain
some. Read on!)
Sex Appeal... the Final Frontier in the Marital Arts
So, now you know exactly what you look like. That's good. But
now you need to know what your sex appeal rating is.
Here's a small quiz to find out what your approximate sex appeal
rating is:
1. Do people put themselves into physical discomfort just to see certain
parts of your body?
2. Do people put themselves into physical discomfort just to not see
certain parts of your body?
If you answered...
"Yes" to both questions, there's something definitely wrong with you.
"No" to both questions, your score is a zero.
"No" to the first, and yes to the second, then your score is -1.
"Yes" to the first, and no the second, then your score is +1.
Remember that these are approximate ratings only. Taking off all your
clothes and running naked in the streets is the best gauge of your sex
appeal; however, we frown upon this particular exercise...usually.
So, you're wondering, what's the importance of sex appeal? Well,
the problem in Ranma is that everybody has a great body. Not everybody,
though, has sex appeal. Unfortunately, by the innate workings of the
Ranma universe, only normal body types can have a sex appeal rating over
0. Thus, Happosai and Cologne (no matter how much you might protest) do
not have a sex appeal rating over 0. In fact, their sex appeal rating is
negative. If you think otherwise, we suggest you stop reading and look
for the "How To Be A Hentai" compendium.
If you have a normal body type and all of your facial features
have been set, you're ready to get your sex appeal ratings. There are
several ways to get sex appeal points. Unfortunately, like most good
things in life, it comes with severe penalties. Make sure you know you
really want to be a sexy person before you decide for it. The
repercussions may be vast and unknown. The first and simplest way is to
subtract points from your intelligence quotient and emotional intelligence
quotient. Examples of losing IQ points include Shampoo and Kasumi.
Examples of losing EQ points are Kuno Tatewaki and Ranma Saotome. Another
way to get sex appeal is by losing physical strength and dexterity. Take
for instance, Nabiki Tendo. She might look like a "righteous babe," but
if Ryouga were to belt her in the face, she'd probably die on the spot.
Well, more like on impact. Semantics, semantics...
If you truly wish to gain as much sex appeal as possible for the
least amount of loss, it is possible to use clothes (or lack thereof), as
a means of increasing the "sexual quotient." Unfortunately, this is a
practice that is frowned upon in most cases. Several case studies have
shown that while modified clothes increase the sex appeal of a character,
the "sluttiness quotient" increases at an exponential factor related to
the original "sexual quotient." Beware ye of little self-esteem, thunder
thighs, and cellulite of steel!
On the other hand, loss of sex appeal can be used as a viable
means of "equalizing" a character. Normally this is an impossible
endeavor; but if one is as well endowed in the "sexual quotient"
department as Shampoo, for example, it is possible to downgrade any sex
appeal software, in exchange for "guts and glory" hardware. In other
words, making yourself less attractive to the other sex will significantly
increase your abilities and dramatically increase your "kick-ass
quotient." Finding a happy medium will result in success stories along
the lines of Harrison Ford's Han Solo, and Michelle Yeoh (any action from
her is good enough).
I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt... Too Sexy for My Shirt... So Sexy it Hurts!
Yes, it can hurt having those implants put in, but that applies to
the previous section. Get your head out of your anatomy books and into
your closet. Now that your entire physical being has been squared away,
there's only one last touch to completely finish the eyesore that is you;
and that is clothing. There are only two sets of clothes you'll ever need
to worry about, unless a special scene comes up. But don't worry, that'll
be taken care of by wardrobe when it happens.
The first, and most important outfit you need is your normal
everyday wear. This is the outfit that you are almost always seen in. It
must be indicative of who you are. For example, if you go to school and
are basically normal, you're normal everyday wear will probably be a
school uniform. Hopefully, being that you are a huge anime fan or you
know a great deal about Japanese culture, you know exactly what a school
uniform looks like. Maybe you even have one in your closet. Got a fuku
extra in there? Good for you (unless you're a guy in which case we
suggest re-examining the previous chapters). At any rate, that's a strong
possibility for your normal everyday wear. Some examples of this can are
Akane and Nabiki. Ukyou counts in an interesting manner.
Many characters in the Ranma universe wear the standard school
uniform. If, however, you don't want to wear the school uniform, then
there are several options for you. It's possible you are an adult, and
school uniforms aren't your style. Maybe three piece suits are, or maybe
a yellow dress and an apron. You never can find the school? Then maybe
you'll be more comfortable in traveler's clothing. And don't forget the
martial arts practice uniform, or keikogi. Those are becoming more and
more stylish every day (or anime episode). Be forewarned about choosing
this as your main outfit: characters that wear a keikogi are not
necessarily good at fighting, i.e., Kuno, Genma, and Soun.
The only rule about your first set of clothing is that it
identifies you, and you're willing to wear it for 90% of the time, so make
sure you like it. If you're male, and you're wearing female clothing,
make sure you really, really, really like dresses before you go with it.
The same thing applies if you're female and you choose male clothing.
Make sure you really want to be a cross dresser! On the other hand,
perhaps you prefer wearing clothes that work for both men and women.
Ranma's China-style satin sleeve-less shirts show just the right muscle as
a man, but all the right curves for a female. Look at Ukyou as another
example. You have to admit, as the cutest fiance, she sports that
androgynous look quite well, but enough staring.
One final note on your main set of clothing: some sets of clothing
will grant you special powers. Please see chapter four on this.
Your second outfit you will wear only part of the time. You can
consider it to be the "evening wear" of the Ranma universe. At home, when
you're just lounging about, you will wear this. This is the clothing that
you feel very comfortable in. Sometimes, the outfit could be a main
outfit, but you instead opt for it to be your secondary. For example,
Akane wears her school outfit as a main set, then a standard karate gi as
her secondary.
SPECIAL NOTE: if your sex appeal rating is astronomically high,
then remember that you can always choose the "birthday suit" option as
your secondary outfit. On the other hand, if your sex appeal rating is
astronomically low, then remember that all of your outfits should (not
"must," but please...) cover as much of your body as possible; note that
Gosunkuge wears a very conservative outfit, and for good reason! You, nor
anyone else (especially us), would want to see the voodoo freak-boy
"nekkid." Got the picture? Well, if you did, you'd be shaking in your
boots.
Remember that your main outfit is just as important as your facial
features. Think long and hard about this. You've got time. As for your
second outfit, sometimes throwing stuff on in a panic works out, right?
Well. We see that you've completed what you look like in the Ranma
universe. We hope you're pleased with it, because there aren't very many
forces in the universe that can alter your appearance. You could try
changing the way you look by vigorously rubbing a hard plastic eraser
against your body, but we don't recommend it. For the most part, your
appearance, after you're done of course, will be set in stone. Only a
select few can radically change their appearance, and unfortunately only
main characters are in that lot; and even then, everyone is loathe to
change the appearance of a character.
Take another look at yourself, because you're not going to change!
If you really wanted to change the way you look, you could always search
out the special Spring of Drowned Changling, but that's for the next
chapter, so stop reading ahead!
* * * * * * * * * *
Ethan Tsai
1 N. College Street
Northfield, MN 55057
TSAIE@Gridley.ACNS.Carleton.edu
http://public.carleton.edu/~tsaie/ethan.html
Quote of the day:
"You do not lead by hitting people over the head-that's assault, not
leadership."
--Dwight D. Eisenhower