<In a Theatre at the End of the Universe>

Carlin: Welcome back, the Chorus presents a MST of 
Part 2 of Suicide Blast, by Keener

                 OtakuNXS presents...

    Hiroshi couldn't quite figure it out. The cologne and aftershave he
was wearing was all the rage amongst most of the top athletes. Why the
fact that he even needed aftershave should have let loose an unending
tidal wave of babedom. Then there was his outfit, disheveled in that oh

Hiroshi: Makes sense to me...

so rebellious fashion, popular among the pretty boys of his favorite
manga, that was still somehow methodically well maintained and clean.
This was extremely important to it's overall effect, saying he wasn't
the sort to leave underwear scattered about the house. It just didn't
make any sense, he could even do that leg up on a chair while sipping
your beer and looking debonair that had eluded his friend Daisuke thus
far... why was he still having so much trouble?

Cordelia: Because you are a geek, and geeks are hopeless...
it's the law.

   His musing might have garnered some positive effect, his far off
stare being mistaken for actual interest in what the girl was saying.
Unfortuantly, open eyes and shut ears have a tendency to focus on the
wrong things at the wrong time. "Baka!" cried the young woman, a fist
knocking him to and from senselessness like a bucket of cold water,
gender change optional. His optics regained clarity in time to see

Ranma: <grumpily> For you maybe...

another potential girlfriend storming away. What did he do wrong this
time, he wondered, slightly exasperated.

   "Just a guess, but most likely you were leering at her breasts... or
worse, some other girl's." A voice called from behind. "Being a male, I

Xander: Perfectly understandable...
<Buffy, Willow and Cordelia stare at him>
Xander: <Angrily> What?!?!
<Buffy, Willow and Cordelia stare at him some more>
Haruka: <To Xander> Hey, I know exactly what you mean.

was focused on the same so I'm not sure which."

   Hiroshi sighed, "And I wasted some of my best lines on her too."

Sarcastic man: No great loss.

   "I could tell, smooth, and oh so effective. Come on Casanova,
there's something you might want to see." Daisuke smiled as he helped
his friend up to his feet.

   "Not interested," Hiroshi lied, already he could see people starting
to run to the empty field, clambering to get a view of some rather
familiar characters. "I've got a lost love to chase down and impress

with my manliness and just how white my teeth are."

Mulder: And if that doesn't work try doing tricks with your photographic
memory, they go crazy for it.
Scully: Right Mulder, and how long has it been since your last date?
<Takes a drink from her pepsi>
Mulder: <Smugly> Three weeks ago, tuesday.
Scully <choking on her pepsi>: Tuesday?!? You told me you were sick!
I got stuck doing the monthly expense reports by myself, because you
HAD A DATE?!?!
<Scully suddenly starts glowing...blue?!?>
Mulder <gulping>: Well... you see-, I wa-...
Scully: <Looking at Mulder with murder in her eyes> Three words Mulder:
You. Will. Pay.

   "It can wait, believe me. Let's go." Daisuke gestured over his
shoulder as he made his way to the building crowd.

   "Humph, fine, what's the big deal anyways?"

Ironic woman: <Imitating Daisuke> Not much, just Ryouga
challenging Ranma again...
Ironic man: <Imitating Hiroshi> Is that all? Bah, go without me
man, I want to wallow.
Hiroshi/Daisuke: HEY!!

   "Ryouga's back. Him and Ranma are having a little chat. Boy, does he
look pissed." the black haired straight man sat down at a perfect
vantage point, both combatants in plain view.

   "Is that all? Ryouga always looks pissed." Hiroshi pouted, seating

Foreshadowing woman: <looking at the Ironic Pair> Ha!

beside his companion. Turning, he got a real good look at the lost boy.
"Oh man..."

                   A Mad Bad Bishonen Lad Production....

  "Ryouga, if you'd just calm down for a sec. We don't have to go
through all this cra..."

   Ryouga's eyes stopped Ranma cold. "Two weeks," he said, emphasizing
with a pair of outstretched fingers. "You've got two weeks to prepare."

Smart-ass man: Thanks for clarifying that, and here I was thinking
he was making a peace sign...

He kept his sight steadily fixed on his opponent. He knew better then to
look at Akane.

Smart-ass woman: There's a medusa joke in that somewhere but
I'm not going to risk the wrath of anyone that quick with a mallet.

   The pigtailed martial artist sighed, pushed Akane behind him and got
into a lazy stance, determination suddenly strengthening his voice.
"Look, I dunno what's got you all out of whack, but if it's a fight you
want, I'm ready right now." Ranma cracked his knuckles menacingly,
"Maybe you'll listen to reason after I've beaten some sense into you."

Buffy: Makes sense to me...
Cordelia: <Looks at Buffy> Anyone here surprised?
<The Chorus is silent>

   "Ready, Ranma? You're ready?" Ryouga's face went calm as he looked
down into his open hand. A slight grimace worked its way around his
lips.

   "You..." A small pinprick light appeared in his palm.

   "Are..." The blue shard swelled slightly, forming a small blue
sphere. Tendrils of white energy erupted from it's surface, reaching out
and crackling like a miniature sun. Radiated light danced about Ryouga's
features, to some kaeladascopic music only he could hear.

Carlin: <To Foreshadowing woman> Bad sign?
Foreshadowing woman: Very.

   "Not..." Slowly, he let his hand come up, palm facing the field
beside them. The boy's hair began to writhe and leap about on the wildly
twisting air currents, caused by the ball as it spun and poped. Ranma
backed up, the glow piercing his eyes and the force increasing till it
even blew his own black locks about.

   "READY!" with a snarl, Ryouga let loose the orb.

<The Chorus is shocked by a scream>
Carlin <looking around>: What was that?!?!
Obscure man <crying pitifully, runs in the theatre>: I should know
THIS!!! Why don't I know this?!!? 'You are not ready.' What's that
from????

   And the world exploded.

Generic Bob: Well, that's a surprise ending...
Bitter man: <Cheering> Way to go Keener!!

                    Suicide Blast Part 2

   Sweat glistened off of Ranma's exposed chest. A telltale welt burned
it's way across his rib cage and his breathing was erratic and hindered.
Still, the fire in his eyes spoke volumes. He would not give up, not
here, not now. This fight he would not lose. "Anymore tricks, old
Ghoul?"

Bitter man: You mean it's not over yet? <@BAP>
Carlin <Hugging the @BAP cannon>: <Smiling> Nope.
Hiroshi: <To Daisuke and Generic Bob> Guys, check out Carlin
holding the @bap gun?
Generic Bob: A little too close there, eh? <Sees Carlin now
whispering sweet nothings to the cannon>
Daisuke: <Sadly> Carlin has got to get out more...

   "The tricks end here, Son-in-Law." Cologne said, mentally chiding

Chris Clairmont: That should be 'This Ends Now!' <Smugly> Amateurs...
Carlin: This from the man responsible for the Siege Perilous...

herself for the habitual referral to him as family. Ranma had staggered
into her restaurant only a few hours ago, battered and weak, yet
defiantly asking for training. Of course he had denied her first offer,
techniques in exchange for a marriage to Shampoo. The boy was lost to
her. Love had finally taken hold over the boy's soul as well as his

Sarcastic woman: Since when would cologne let things like true
love and free will get in the way of amazon law?
Carlin: Seems like Keener is choosing to go with the kinder, more
benevolent Cologne in this fic...

heart. There was no use arguing over it anymore. Besides, only Mousse
knew where her charge had headed, and he wasn't being very open about
the whole affair. "There will be no quarter given in your fight, you

Carlin: The sentence from starting with 'Besides, only Mousse...'
is unclear.. if the charge is Shampoo what does she have to do
with this?

will be facing a dead man. A dead man who has put his neck in the noose
himself. You can not fight him, he is beyond you. The only recourse left
is to send him the rest of the way to hell's embrace."

Cynical man: There's no middle ground with Cologne, is there?

   "No!" screamed Ranma, his aura burning bright with rage and denial.
With a wordless cry, the young martial artist lashed out at a nearby
boulder; stone smashed to rock, crushed to pebble, ground to dust. "I

Sarcastic man: Point beaten, to death, with a hammer.

ain't gonna accept that." He wiped a gravel encrusted hand across his
face, washing away the tear in a smear of dirt. Then, shoulders falling

and brilliant glow fading to a faint glimmer, he continued quietly. "I
can't accept it. Killing my friends was not why I learned this stuff.
I-I wanna be the best, sure, but I wanna think I learned it to protect
the guys I care for, not hurt them." Shaking his head slightly and

Carlin: 'guys I care for' sounds strange... heard it used before but
still...
Hiroshi: 'people I care about' sounds better, more natural.

smiling bitterly, "No matter how pig headed they may be."

   Cologne sighed and lit her pipe. The boy had the very soul of the
Tiger, but his heart was still very much the fragile affair shared by
most of humanity. She mused this over while Ranma simply looked at her,
eyes pleading. They had been fighting for two hours straight, all for
him to earn the privilege of her as Sensei. No one else could teach
someone fast enough or train them hard enough to be ready for what he
had to do. But the boy was asking too much. He wanted her to teach him
how to fight death itself.

Buffy: Death, hah! Been there, done that, got the bootleg.

   Cologne had seen other warriors fall under the sway of the Jisatsu
Bakuha, as they called it here in Japan. A man who denied himself life
courted death in more ways them one. Nothing short of the death they
sought could stop them. And this particular warrior was thousands of
time more powerful then most. She had seen the depths of that one's
emotions when she had first witnessed the Shi Shi Houkoudan. Why
couldn't Ranma accept that his friend was already dead?

Big Bird: Because winners never quit and quitters never win!
<The Chorus Facefaults>

   Because it just wasn't his nature to give up. Cologne had never
known someone like Son-in... Ranma. There was power in that belief,

Carlin: Like to see what led Cologne to basically give up on
Shampoo marrying Ranma.

power in one who didn't take no for an answer. He would leave a battle,
run from what he couldn't quite match, but always he returned, fresh and

determined to win. Even now, his body beaten by the best she could dish
out, without killing the poor boy, his eyes said only one thing. You
will not defeat me, I came here to learn how to help Ryouga and nothing
in Heaven or Hell is gonna stop me!

   "It begins." she conceded "Show me what you intend to try."

Kosh: <Ominously> That's my line!
<The Chorus facefaults again>

...oooOOO(  )(  )(  )

Smart-ass woman: What the hell is that thing??!!?
Hiroshi: Sheesh, someone find her another dead horse already.

   "So then what happened?" Ukyo asked, beating an egg with the absent
ferocity of an angry cook. Most people will tell you not to drive angry,
emotions blindsiding you as surely as the oncoming traffic. Good chefs
will also tell you the same applies to cooking. One of the fine lines
that seperated Akane and Kasumi was in that special spice of the
heart... that and knowing the difference between sugar and salt.

Ranma: Ain't that the truth...

   "He fires the glowing ball to the side, like he's just blowing it
off. Then this... thing, about the size of a coin, goes barreling like a
bat out of hell, only he's taking most of hell with him. Just it running
above the ground tears this ditch through the field." He demonstrated by

Carlin: 'it' should be it's...
<Ironic man and woman giggle>
Carlin <looks at the ironic couple>: Bite me.

taking a one yen piece from his pocket and rolling it toward the other
wall. "And when it hit the opposite side," The coin smacked the side of
Ukyo's shop. "Boom!" Hiroshi exclaimed, hands gesturing in an expansive
motion, acting out the explosion in body language. "What was that he
called it, Daisuke? Jiason... Jisumo...?"

   "Jiatsu Bakuha, a suicide blast. Did you notice something weird
about the way he keeled over?" Daisuke asked, grimacing as he watched
batter get... well... battered.

   "Yeah, look, he blows a crater the size of the school gym, just
stands there as this aftershock right out of Akira throws most of us

Chorus: <Laughing>

about like carboard buildings in a Gojira flick. Heck, even Ranma

<Mulder/Willow/Hiroshi Laugh>
The rest of the Chorus: O_O <Looks at the trio>
Sarcastic man: Someone call Flashman, here's his sequel!

grabbed some sky." Hiroshi noted the sudden silence and the deep
transfixation of Ukyo's eyes on his own, "I told you, he came out of it
fine. Ryouga shot this Kamikaze thingy away from everyone. Anyways, he's
not even phased, just rides the wave, and doesn't flinch as he's
pummeled by shrapnel. Then... he just hits the ground, clutching his
chest." The young man grabbed his chest dramatically, called for Camille
and hit the ground.

   "The guy was coughing up blood like he'd just drowned in the stuff,
and his face... his face. It sort of... drew in on itself, like it was
suddenly too tight for his own skull." Daisuke shook his head, staring
in the distance. "Guy looked worse then Gos did when he had pnuemoina."

Carlin: Not a pretty picture..

   "Humph, it's none of my affair anymore. Eat up guys. It's on the
house." Ukyo gave them a terse smile, eyes daring them to say no thanks.
Daisuke and Hiroshi looked at the mangled, shattered remains of school
lunch ala pissed chef. Sighing, they got out forks and dug in... where
they could, chiseling what they could not.

...oooOOO(  )(  )(  )

Smart-ass woman: Stup-
Chorus: <Screaming> SHUT UP!!

   "No! No! No!" Cologne cried in exasperation, tossing her stick to
the side. "That will not work! You cannot use the Rising Dragon
Ascension against someone who knows nothing but the final calm of
eternal peace."

   "But it's just about my best shot. Don't worry about it. Ticking off
Ryouga is one of my special skills." Ranma gave her a small smile, "You
could say I've been practicing that little maneuver since we were kids."

Nabiki: The thing that got him into this mess in the first
place.

   "This is not Ryouga you fight, boy! How many times must I tell you
that? He has tossed everything into the flames of his pain, burned it
all to ash till only the calmness of the grave remains. You won't make

The Mysterious One: He dreams of sleep...
Smart-ass man: Huh, if he's dreaming, then he's sleeping.
The Mysterious One: Yes. And No.
Smart-ass man: <Snidely> oh yeah, that makes perfect sense!

him mad, you'll just give him a better target!"

   "Then what the heck am I supposed to do? You said it'd be too
dangerous to get near him for any of that shiatzu stuff." Ranma was
getting frustrated. The new battles had been practice sessions only but
each time he had met with defeat. A defeat punctuated by Cologne
pointing a finger at him and saying... boom, you're dead.

   Cologne sighe. One way or another, the boy was going to get hurt

Nitpick woman: sighed

during this fight. He refused the options she gave him on the same
grounds that she would not use them on Ranma. His opponent was just too
damn determined to be stopped by any technique short of one that
promised the final reward. But that's not really what either of them
wanted. It was the strangest sort of battle. Not a fight to the death,
but one to the life. For the boy, defeat or triumph was to be found in
the last heartbeats of his opponent.

   "I'm afraid there's only one option I can see for you. You must find
the same peace that he has. You must transcend your body and fight with
nothing more then your soul."

   "I can't do that either. Death ain't an option. Maybe I could just
chunk it all before, back when the loneliness used to eat me alive. Back
when I couldn't even see my mom or after some of that cat fist stuff.
But I got people who care about me now. I can't do that to them, I can't

give up, not as long as," he gulped and continued slowly, "Akane cares
for me." Ranma seemed to shake that thought out of his head, tears
slowly welling in his eyes. "There's gotta be another way."

Obi-wan Kenobi: Use the Force, Ranma....

    "Not one that doesn't lead to your death, and Ryouga's as well."

    "Damn it crone! You're askin' me to just give up. I can't do that.
I won't give up on Akane... or Ryouga!" Ranma's aura flared again.

   Was it her imagination or did it glare a tad brighter when he
mentioned Akane? "You don't have to," Cologne smiled, resting on a rock

Sarcastic woman: <faceitously> Golly, you think so?

and examining him anew. It seems she was always doing that, and always
finding something new, each time she looked.

   "But you just said..."

   "I said you need to transcend your pain and find true peace, as
Ryouga had. I did not say that you must find it in the same place as he
had. There are many paths and not all of them easy. You must find the
right one for you, and you must hurry. A destination must be reached
before you meet Ryouga again, otherwise," Cologne pointed her
outstretched hand in his direction again. As she opened her mouth to say
boom, she realized she was pointing at thin air. Suddenly, she was off
the ground and being swung about.

   "Thank you! I'll find that path no matter what it takes!" He began
dancing with the elder about in his arms. Cologne was about to call for
his respect when she caught a glimpse of his eyes. Though the boy was

Chorus: 0_O~
Carlin: Scary Thought number 42: Cologne doing the Twist.
Chorus: EEWWW!!!

smiling and laughing, his eyes told of more fear then she would have
though possible for Ranma. Still, if even a part of him laughed, for
even a few moments, she would not rob him of that. The boy would have
time enough for tears.

...oooOOO(  )(  )(  )

   Akane continued chopping vegetables for Kasumi. Ever since Ranma had
proposed to her, she had been filled with an all new desire to find her
way about the kitchen. Not that she was really going to have to cook for
their family; her soon to be husband was quite good, even better if you
attacked him with chi maneuvers while he was doing it. Still, she would
not have her children wondering which one of them was their mother. She

Dr. Sigmund Freud: The gender identity issues presented in this paragraph
are astounding... The books I could write about the Ranma/Akane dynamic
would revolutionize psychology.
Sarcastic woman <Laughing>: <To Freud> You think this story is wild...
have I got just the thing for you! <Hands Dr. Freud a printout of the TOP
stories>
Dr Freud <Skimming the pages>  O_0!!!!

groaned inwardly at the thought, love was turning her into a giggly
little girl, filled with dreams of playing house. A smile lit her face
and she blushed at the thought of it.

   Then her memories drifted back to yesterday. She remembered again
what all the housekeeping in the world couldn't make her forget.
Ryouga's eyes, as they begged for... for what? Release? She had seen

Foreshadowing man: Pay attention.

animals at the kennel like that once, they're bodies hunkered and
quivering against the cage. But, when you reached out to them, they were
all teeth and saliva.  Just what had happened to him?

   The days events came flooding back...

   "Ranma!" Akane screamed. He had landed on top of her, shielding her

>from the worst of the shockwave. She still couldn't quite see right, her

eyes burning with the after image of Ryouga's chi. "Ranma, wake up, get
off of me, say something!"

   "Hey," he smiled weakly, "I'm not on top of ya' cause I like ya' or
nuthin." Carefully, he pulled himself and her up. Turning slowly, he

Ranma: Damn right!
<The Chorus looks at Ranma>
Generic Bob: Me thinkst Ranma doth protest too much...
Kunou: Verily

looked to Ryouga. "Just what the hell was that?" he asked, voice
forcibly calm.

The Mysterious One: One at war with himself.

   "Jiatsu Bakuha, Ranma, like it? I made it myself." Ryouga smiled, a
proud gleam dancing about his eyes, almost manically. Then, he went
down... hard.

   "Oh god, Ryouga!" Ranma and Akane rushed over to the young martial
artist as the boy vomited a red ichor, blood and phlegm falling in spats
about the ground. She covered her face with both hands, stepping back
and shaking her head horrified. He was in another world of pain, one
that young ladies, smiling parents, laughing children and butterscotch
sundaes had no place in. Even worse, it didn't seem new to him, it
almost looked like home.

   "Get away from me!" He hissed, landing a fist on Ranma's jaw that
sent him flying almost half the length of the field.

Hiroshi: Ouch...
Daisuke: ...Harsh
Mulder: <Dismissively> That's nothing, his best friend punched him... HAH!!
<Proudly> Mine shot me once... beat that!
Scully <glowing blue>: <Grumbling> Keep going Mulder...

   Ranma painfully sat up, pulling himself out of the rivulet he had
dug on impact. Damn, Ryouga was strong, he thought. Akane reached out to
him but looked down nervously to the bandanna clad boy, tears making
their way down her lower lids, over her cheeks and falling off a
quivering chin. "Ryouga, stop it, why-why are you doing this?"

The Mysterious One: Fear
Obscure woman: Dumb movie, cool posters.

   Ryouga reeled from the impact. He had hardened his body to the point
that most four door vehicles hardly gave him pause, but his heart... no,
he didn't have one of those anymore. Idily, he sifted through the powder
left from his encounter with Akari. Was there anything left? He looked
at those pleading eyes, meet them with his coldest stare and smiled
slowly, mockingly.

   "Go to him Akane, you've already made your choice. Your body is his
now. Just remember that it once belonged to me." He saw the

Ranma <Glowing blue>: WHAT?!?!
<The chorus starts to move away from Ranma>

incomprehension on her face, the doubt entering her mind, he could end
it though. End this whole stupid charade, apologize and go weeping into
Akari's arms. Was there anything left?

   Then, a year later, maybe longer... he'd be back here again,
bleeding from a wound that just would not heal. And here before him was
his assailant, still holding the smoking gun in the form of a perfect
face, and a warm smile that promised home, yet always slammed the door
when he started to walk in. He was like some wretched mistress,
wondering when the man of the house would throw his wife out at her
approach instead of the other way around. There couldn't be anything
left.

   "And you might as well stop calling me Ryouga, P-chan will do." He

Chorus: Ouch
Giles: Oh dear.

would be the monster, there was nothing left of his heart. He'd let
himself be slayed like a beast and let them have their blasted happily
ever after. "You know Ranma, there really is nothing better on a cold
night then some brainless girl's chest, don't you agree?"

Ranma <Glowing red>: <Standing up>That's it P-chan!!! PREPARE TO
DIE!!!
<Ranma runs out the theatre, trails of angry red Ki left in his wake>
Hiroshi: Of course, Ranma doesn't like Akane...
Daisuke: ...says she's uncute...
Generic Bob: ...violent...
Nabiki: ...can't cook...
Carlin: <Sarcastically> Oh yeah, he hates her... can't you tell?

   Ryouga felt the hot wave of battle aura cresting in Akane, he saw
her fist clench, saw the energy gathering and prepared for impact. This
was it, in one pulverizing left hook, the door was going to be forever
nailed shut. He'd have no choice but to go forward, alone, but free.
Then she looked up, eyes filled with... with... it was supposed to be
anger damnit! Why weren't they filled with anger? He needed her anger!
Why couldn't she just give him what he wanted for once in his existence!

The Mysterious One: A tantrum...

   "Oh Ryouga, I'm so sorry, I never knew."

Chorus: o_O
Carlin: She took that quite well. Unexpected...
Daisuke: That's understating it a bit.

   Pity! "Damn you Akane! Damn you to hell!" Ryouga screamed and leapt
as far backwards as his powerful legs could propel him. Pity! He turned,
running with the frantic scrambling steps of a warrior who was defeated
to the very core of his being... there had been something left, a shard
of heart still intact amongst the glassy powder... and she had stabbed
him with it... pity.

...oooOOO(  )(  )(  )

<The Chorus looks at Smart-ass woman>
Smart-ass woman: <Innocently> What? <Disgusted> Oh
get a life people!

   Ranma collapsed on his futon, clothing still on, blanket still off.
He was drained to his very core, emotionally, spiritually, physically,
and any other ally's he could think of. Mentally; there was another one.

Understatement man: He was tired.

Whimpering slightly he wondered just how it was possible to feel that
closing his eyes was more then he was currently capable of. With a
supreme act of will and just a little help from Kami-sama, he got his
lids to enfold him in darkness.

   The door slid open silently, Akane creeping in on tiptoe. She
carefully removed his shirt and shoes and tucked his blanket under his
chin. Don't work too hard, I need both of you to make it out of this in
one piece, baka. She smiled at the last and bent down, brushing a lock
of hair from his softened features. There wasn't a doubt in her mind,
Ranma would win, she believed in with all her heart. She placed a gentle
kiss to his forehead and left as quietly as she had snuck in... give or
take a stubbed toe and an expletive or two.

Carlin: <Chuckling> Heh.

   Ranma sleep on nosily, unknowing of the golden glow that was softly
encircling his body.

Foreshadowing woman: Take a wild guess...

The End of Part Two

To be continued of course...

Chorus: IT BETTER BE!!

Ending song... If you don't know the tune, it's the "M.A.S.H." Theme
song...

 >The game of life is hard to play,
 >I�m gonna lose it anyway,

 >My final card, I�ll some day lay,
 >And that's all I have to saaaaaaaayyy...

 >Suicide is painless,
 >It brings so many changes
 >And I can take or leave it if I please,

Paraphrased Neitzche (I think) "the thought of suicide is a great
comfort, it has kept many a man company through many a hard time!"

The Mysterious One: Distrust all in whom the urge to punish is

powerful.
Carlin: Huh?
Obscure woman: Also by Neitzche, from "Thus Spake Zarathustra"
Carlin: Oh... anyway, great stuff Keener. One confusing
passage, a couple of questionable word selections and a few type-o's
but nothing terrible... the descriptions are vivid, the one-liners are
sharp and the pacing is done with a deft touch. Hurry up with
Part 3!!