*wheep**click* Soundfile on.

"The Perfect Drug" by Trent Reznor erupts from the speakers.  Yes all you
fanfic fiends!  It's time for...

--WHAT THE **** IS GOING ON?--

(A Thirteen Moons production)
	
	Ryoga was wandering.  As usual.  He was lost.  Again, as usual.  
What was UNusual, was that he recognized the place where he was.  

	"Wait a second!"  Ryoga muttered to the sky.  "Wouldn't that mean 
I'm not lost?" The problem was that, while Ryoga -recognized- the place 
where he was, it was impossible for him to be there.  Therefore, 'lost' is 
merely a one word replacement for 'being somewhere that he recognized but 
shouldn't be there in the first place.' 

	"Yeesh!"  Ryoga rolled his eyes.  "Fanfic authors!  You'd think 
they'd have all slaughtered each other in arguments over characterization 
by now!"  Still muttering inaudibly to himself, Ryoga scanned his 
surroundings.  {Hrmmm.}  He thought.  {High mineral content, incredible 
density, no sign of life.}  Ryoga realized the tricorder was aimed at 
himself.  "Doh!"  A sweatdrop rolled down his forehead.  "Damn thing."  He
quickly stuffed it into his backpack and glared at Xavier's School For 
Gifted Youngsters.

	"Now how am I supposed to get back to Nerima from -here-, oh wise 
one?"  Ryoga shouted sarcastically into the sky.  Obviously, Ryoga was not 
familiar with the rule of spamfics, which is: Anything which can't, 
shouldn't, and is not supposed to happen will.  At least, that's -one- of 
the rules.  The other rule is that there aren't any.  A glowing horizontal 
disk flashed into existence, and a young Ilyana Rasputin emerged, packing
her spiffy demon sword.  

	The teenaged mutant looked Ryoga up and down.  Her eyes took a 
long time on the trip back up.  {Hrmmm....} she mused.  {Not bad for a 
couple of minutes work with some blobs of paint and an animation cel!}  
Ilyana silently blessed the animator who had seen fit to emphasize Ryoga's 
well-built frame with a few extra brush strokes.  {And speaking of 
strokes...}  The young Miss Rasputin hooked an arm around Ryoga's neck, 
pulling him close.  Ryoga only managed to choke out a vague protest before 
she activated another portal.

	Unfortunately, at this time, certain portions of Ryoga became 
aware of just -how- close they were to other portions of the nubile mutant 
Ilyana.  His nose erupted like Mount St. Helens.

	Shrieking in disgust as blood spattered over her, Ilyana dropkicked 
Ryoga into the still-forming portal.  As she sat and wiped herself off, 
she realized that she had forgotten to visualize a destination.  Ilyana 
shrugged.  Wherever he ended up, she hoped it sucked.

	Her wish was granted.  Ryoga had always had an incredible force of 
bad luck.  It could have been the curse on his family, or the ladders his 
pregnant mother had wandered under, or maybe even he had offended some 
gods.  A LOT of gods.  Whatever the reason, Ilyana's teleport disc winked 
open in the skies over the Training Ground of Accursed Springs.  You got 
it folks.  I'm sure you've all studied this very carefully, now let me 
hear your Chinese guide voices.  All together now...

	JOO SEN KYO!!!!

	Thanks.  That was awe-inspiring.  Anyway, for the first time in 
his life, Ryoga wished he was Mousse.  Well, maybe the second time.  But 
the day Mousse had finally gotten the bright idea of dosing Shampoo 
liberally with one of her own aphrodisiacs was another story.  Seeing as 
how flapping his arms didn't work, Ryoga ended up doing a swan dive into a 
large spring.  Little did he know that his worries about flight were at an 
end.

	The Chinese guide rushed to the edge of the spring, which was 
bubbling in the middle.  Why did he rush?  *whap* Why do you think?  These 
are his only lines in the whole damn series, he wanted to milk his 
on-screen time for all it was worth!  Flashing a smile for all of his 
loyal fans, the guide whipped out a placard with Chinese ideograms on
it.  

	"Ah too bad!  You fall into Veeteennichuan... Spring of Drowned 
Veritech!"  With a splash and a roar, a nice shiny Veritech fighter 
emerged from the spring, hovering in Guardian mode over the training 
ground.   Many strange sights had come about during Rumiko Takahashi's 
glory, but a Veritech wearing a bandanna was definitely a first.  Ryoga's 
crazed laughter emerged from the massive metallic monstrous machine. 
(Alliteration is good.  Everyone should alliterate.  You will be 
alliterated.  *sigh* never mind...)

	"Bwahahahahahahaaa!  Now you die, Ranma!"  Still shrieking with 
laughter, the Ryoga/Veritech roared off into the sky.  After three long 
years of travelling, Ryoga finally reached Nerima.  It had been a long 
hard trip.  He had suffered countless indignities, but the worst was when 
he had put down for refueling at a small airport in the Phillipines.  A
bursting hot water main had left a naked martial artist sitting on the 
tarmac with a refueling hose attached to his...  

	Ryoga shuddered.  Some things were best forgotten.  It had taken 
three days to get the damn hose removed.  But now!  Now he was in sight of 
Furinkan High, and his victory was assured!.  Ranma and Akane came running 
towards the gates as usual.   Ryoga hefted the bucket of cold water he 
held.
  
	"Ranma Saotome!" he yelled.  "I challenge you!"  Ranma scoffed and 
assumed a fighting stance.  Pulling up an eyelid and sticking out his 
tongue, Ranma biiiihed at him.  

	"Come and get me, pig-boy!"

	"Fine!"  Ryoga dumped the bucket of water over his head, and 
immediately transformed into a towering Battloid.  Ranma had time to get 
out a single 'eep' before the metal mannikin crushed him into the ground 
with a titanic fist.  Akane grimaced at the loud WHUNCH.  Ryoga/Veritech 
pulled his fist back up, leaving Ranma smeared like martial artist pate on 
the bottom of a large crater.  Akane peered over the lip of the crater.

	"Hey Ranma!  Are you okay?"  Akane had this thing for asking 
stupid questions sometimes.  Ranma answered in a quavering voice.

	"...he's a dead man.  As soon as I reassemble my spine he's a 
dead man..."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's notes:  I have absolutely NO idea where this came from.  Just 
felt like killing some time.  If you're really into self-inflicted 
punishment you can C&C this, but I beg you.  Don't.  Have mercy on yourself.
On the other hand if you believe in improving fics by immediately 
eliminating the author, I can be reached at msimmons@bcgroup.net.  
Oh yeah, visit my page at http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Garden/2506 so you
can brag about it to your friends.  ^_^

Mike