This needs quite a bit of work, I think. Nothing that can't be fixed,
but I don't think it's up to the standards of your previous parts yet.

For one thing, IMO, the narration tries to give us too many explanations
and interpretations. Just tell us what the characters see, hear, etc.
and how they feel about it, and let us readers decide what it means and
how to interpret it. I've pointed out some examples below, but it's a
general problem.

Story wise, I'm not sure what to think... maybe something more should've
been resolved in this chapter. The main conflict in the chapter is
Nabiki's struggle to get Ukyo to come home with her, and that doesn't
seem like enough to hook the readers' emotions. Maybe it would help if
Nabsy had a more clearly defined internal conflict? Not sure.

What went on before: Ukyou tried to help Ranko, who was stuck
in the Neko-ken trance but lost control of the situation when a large
truck spooked Neko-Ranko. Neko-Ranko chased after the
eighteen-wheeler with Ukyou close behind when the truck spun out
and lost the connection to it's cargo trailer, sending the trailer out of

its

	The field, looking like a finished set for the latest disaster
blockbuster, had definitely seen better days. The cab section
of the delivery truck, missing it's trailer, ended up on the exact

its

location of the original fight. Somehow it managed to land right
side up, the tires down on the ground. Regretfully, the rig was
unsalvageable with the tires just about the only thing to survive
the crash.

For one thing, you mean "regrettably." The way you have it, it would
indicate that the truck was sorry. :-) But this is also an example of
the general problem with the writing that I mentioned above. Who is it
that thinks it's regrettable? If it's the writer, then just tell us what
happened and what the characters think, and let us interpret.

	Most importantly for him, she was walking on two legs.
	"An accident...." coughed the driver. "...quick, a phone, need
to find a phone!  We need help!" he finished in a rush. Despite his
best efforts, he only barely get the words out. As it was, all Nabiki
managed to piece together were 'accident' and 'phone'.

I'd suggest doing something before this paragraph to mark the transition
from the driver's point of view to Nabby's. Maybe a scene break mark or
even just a skipped line. It's a bit abrupt this way.

	"Straight ahead, turn left at the flagpole, there's an
emergency phone in front of the gate. But wait--!!! " That last she
had to yell because the man took off once he got the directions.
He didn't stop and kept on running.
	"Damn!" Taking a moment to kick the mud, Nabiki
considered going after the man, to find out if he had seen
Neko-Ranko or Ukyou but decided against it. 'Somehow I don't

Ukyou, but

	Moving to the fiance's other side, she put the flashlight into

fiancee's. Two e's for a female, one for a male.

	 Years spent studying and practicing the Art across Japan
had firmly ingrained the forms and techniques into her mind. Enough
so that the application of those techniques had become second nature
to her. The information had wormed it's way deeply into Ukyou's mind,
until it had literally became a part of her.

its way. And this seems like another case of the narrator explaining
things. Since this is Nabsy's POV, unless she figures out why Ukyo hit
her, I don't think we need to know.

	Nabiki wasted no time getting to her feet. Standing off to
the side just out of Ukyou's line of sight and line of fire, she saw
her wandering around looking for Ranma. Relieved that the Martial
Artist couldn't see her, Nabiki called to her. "Hey Ukyou, over here!"
Turning the flashlight back on, she waved her arms back and forth in
the air, trying to get her attention.

I'm kinda confused here... Nab was just right next to Ukyo, and now it
seems that she's a ways away.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics