sorry about spamming the list again, but the author's e-mail address
doesn't seem to be working.

Ranchan wrote:

sterling21@pop.netaddress.usa.net wrote:

 After the Angels
 Chapter 1
 By: Ranchan

Rei...Ayanami...stringing more than two sentences together..._and_ questioning
NERV...are we still in the Neon Genisis Evangelion Universe?

i sorta explained that later

you did?  I must have missed it...

Rei...Ayanami...not concentrating on school...actually that's nothing new--she
knows everything anyway.  But _SWEARING_?! and _CRYING_?!  and using the vocab
of a hormone crazed teenager?!  over a guy?!  Is this the same Ayanami that
faced death
a dozen times over without so much as blinking?

Im giving rei the life i feel was taken away From her in the series,the life
i feel is owed to her

That's not a problem...but it would take something pretty significant to make Rei
become a normal teenager and you didn't explain _how_ or _why_ she did it.  And even
if she was a normal teenager I don't think her vocab would degrade that much.
Surely she could have come up with something more imaginative than:  "Oh Shinji, we
could have been together.  But I was dumb and you went out with Asuka instead" it
sounds like an overly dramatized version of 90210.  If Rei was agonizing over Shinji
I imagine it would go something like this:<...> thoughts
"Shinji..." Rei whispered as she touched his image with her finger.  Memories of
comforing presence filling her heart.  <Damn,> she thought, clenching her fist.
Images of Shinji and Asuka running, laughing, and...kissing, filled her mind.
"Why..." she whispered, a single crystal tear running down her face and shattering
on the picture she held in her hand.
_That's_ a Rei agonizing over Shinji scene.

Rei...losing control...in public...

explained above

you still didn't give a sufficient explanation in the fic.

Okay, Rei's reaction here is fairly typical Ayanami, except she'd probably be
more respectful.

not at this point of her life...

::shrug:: so I'm a purist.

Ayanami...displaying more emotion than a brick...and sullen at
that...since when did Ayanami start saying "Hi" or the Japanese equivalent?

since i decided it was in her vocabulary......

Ther's no doubt that it's in her vocab, but when did she start using it.  It seem
awfully informal for Rei.

Asuka...Soryuu-Langly...friends...with Ayanmi...you're absolutely and totally
sure this is Evangelion?  Rei's saving Asuka wouldn't change Asuka's treatment
of Rei.  Actually it might have made Asuka more hostile towards Rei.  Also this
paragraph suffers from the "slang" problem, unless someone is speaking you
shouldn't use slang in your writing.  EG:  "complete and total bitch", "putting
her down", "sitting duck", etc.

hey tell me it couldent happen....

well, _I_ don't see it happening...maybe you should detail where exactly your fic
breaks off from the Evangelion universe.

and thanks for the tip on slang...

no prob.

Have you seen _ANY_ Neon Genisis Evangelion yet?!  Gomen, I don't mean to sound
insulting here but these characterizations seem a little off...okay really off.

i own  up to tape 9 and i watch it frequently and yeah i know theyre off but
wouldent you be a little off if you went what they went through.....

I'm really not sure, how off they'd be.  Certainly an event like that would _change_
them but as much as you've changed them and in that manner, I personally don't think
so.  But it is your fic.  I would like some more detail on that scene though (Rei
saving Asuka) as well as scenes where Rei starts behaving like a normal girl.

Ayanami...admitting her feelings to _ANYONE_ except Gendou?!

like i said shes got a life now, not just a pion or nerv anymore . and she
showed
emotion towards shinji twice so far in the series 1.when he opened the entry
plug
with his bare hands and asked for a smile...  2.in episode 16 when he was
trapped in the duroc sea she looked like she was going to kill asuka when
she was  "dissing"
shinji

admitting is not the same thing as demonstrating.  eg: Akane and Ranma _demonstrate_
their affection quite a bit.  They never _admit_ it out loud, however.  Also in the
first of those instances it was only to Shinji.  And the second was in Shinji's
defense.  Neither instance supports your conclusion that Rei would _admit_ her
feelings for Shinji to _Asuka_

...Asuka...Soryuu-Langsly...letting a male (other than Kaji) touch her...let
alone having _SEX_ with _Shinji_ of all people who, by her own words she
despises.

you obviously havent seen the sexual innuendos between them in eva and its
obvious that shes going out of her wav with her remarks and coldness to make
him jealous.
well in my aftermath that's what happens.... and in episode 16 once again
asuka was waiting outside his hospital room to see if he ahd recovered ....
is this an act of someone who hates someone???

once again the difference between admission and demonstration.  Asuka won't _admit_
she likes Shinji, but she will _demonstrate_ her emotions to a certain degree.  Also
I can't see her admitting to Rei--or anyone for that matter--that she slept with
anyone--let alone Shinji (since everyone thinks she hates the guy).

Well, as you can guess, I have a little problem with your
characterizations...actually I've got a big problem with your
characterizations.  Tell me, have you seen _ANY_ Neon Genesis Evangelion?  I
can't imagine Rei or Asuka acting in the way you've described them.  But that's
just me.

already explained and use your imagination

well, you explained it to _me_ now the trick is to explain it in your fic
belivably.  An entire history of Evangelion starting from where you broke off from
the series would help too.

 great advice..when i revise.. ill use some of it...

hopefully the advice, not the text I wrote (well you could use that too) but this is
supposed to be your fic not your plot with my details.

well i cant type yet so grammar is kinda hard .. be patient im still learning
punctuation is a hassle when you cant type

punctuation is a hassle even when you _can_ type.  But things like starting a new
paragraph when someone is speaking is really easy ^_^

well aj i appreciate the advice and the criticism it's kinda nice  to know
that people take the time to help. i hope ive justified my characterisations
to you or at least gave you an adaqute excuse......

well not really.  I understand why you want to characterize Rei and Asuka like that
but I'm finding it hard to believe those characterizations in your fic.  Yeah,
sometimes I want to make Rei more normal and Asuka more likable in my fics but I
want to do it _believably_ which is incredebly hard. Also you need to justify your
characterizations in the fic not just to me.

look forward to hearng from you
Ranchan

  AJ