sterling21@pop.netaddress.usa.net wrote:

 After the Angels
 Chapter 1
 By: Ranchan



Rei looked up from her book to the classroom clock, noticing that she had to
sit through another fifteen minutes of this torture that the school called
History of Tokyo3 ."it's not even right" Rei thought as she returned to her
book. "These people will never know the truth about the second impact as
long as N.E.R.V keeps that meteor story alive.My own teacher doesn't know
that what he's teaching is far from the truth."

Rei...Ayanami...stringing more than two sentences together..._and_ questioning
NERV...are we still in the Neon Genisis Evangelion Universe?

Rei Aynami is one of four adolesent warriors known as The Evangeliion
Pilots,an elite group that in 2015 saved the earth from the threat of the
angels,an alien race bent on the destruction of earth.Rei is known as the
"First child" and was the pilot of Eva 00.

Umm...the Angels weren't exactly aliens and their purpose wasn't the destruction

of earth.  (really trying to avoid spoilers here because I'm not sure how much
of Eva you've seen)  This paragraph seems awfully...cheezy.  Kinda like
something I'd expect out of Sailor Moon...(not to insult SM--I like it--but
you've got to admit, it's pretty cheezy at times)

Rei tried to focus on the text in her book as she ran her fingers through
her short blue hair,but found she coulden't concentrate.  Rei absent mindedly
brought her pale skinned hand down to the pocket in her black skirt and pulled

out a picture of Shinji Ikari with his arm around her in "The cage" beside
their "Evas". Running her finger along the edge of the picture,Rei began to
feel tears welling up under her eyes "Damn it" she thought "Why was I so
blind?"slight tears streaming down her face.  "Oh Shinji, we could have been
together.But I was dumb and you went out with Asuka instead"

Rei...Ayanami...not concentrating on school...actually that's nothing new--she
knows everything anyway.  But _SWEARING_?! and _CRYING_?!  and using the vocab
of a hormone crazed teenager?!  over a guy?!  Is this the same Ayanami that
faced death
a dozen times over without so much as blinking?

To Rei, life had turned out all wrong, in her opinion life was supposed to
be diffrent, at least Asuka told her that things would be different.
"Different, heh"  Rei mumbled under her breath."What's that miss Ayanami?
could you speak up ,Or is it a private discussion between you and your
desk?" Rei looked up and realised that the comment had eminated from her
teacher. Extremely panicked now,Rei started to stutter out a reply as the
class was dismissed.

Rei...losing control...in public...

Rei's teacher approched her and said "Miss Ayanami, I don't know what to
tell you, I'm trying to teach a class here and you want to talk to your
desk.Well, your test scores are high so I can't complain,but if you have any
problems I suggest you talk to the school counsilor and not a piece of wood.
O.K?" Rei just shrugged and walked out.

Okay, Rei's reaction here is fairly typical Ayanami, except she'd probably be
more respectful.

As Rei approached her locker,she had just begun to think about her teacher's
advice when a voice from behind her shouted "Guten morgen,Rei!" it was a cry
so loud and so distinct that Ami didn't even turn her head she just replied
in a rather sullen tone. "Hi Asuka"

Ayanami...displaying more emotion than a brick...and sullen at
that...since when did Ayanami start saying "Hi" or the Japanese equivalent?

Asuka Langly Soryu is the most energetic, fun loving,and egotistical girl
you'll ever meet, she"s three fourths German and one foufth japanese.she's
also Rei's best friend. All throughout the begining of this Angel
conflict,Asuka was a complete and total bitch to Rei, always calling her
"Wonder Girl" and putting her down. but a few months ago, Asuka's eva got
severely damaged due to her rash and arrogant actions and she became a
sitting duck for an angel. Rei saw this and threw her eva onto Asuka's and
took the damage instead while Shinji killed it.

Asuka...Soryuu-Langly...friends...with Ayanmi...you're absolutely and totally
sure this is Evangelion?  Rei's saving Asuka wouldn't change Asuka's treatment
of Rei.  Actually it might have made Asuka more hostile towards Rei.  Also this
paragraph suffers from the "slang" problem, unless someone is speaking you
shouldn't use slang in your writing.  EG:  "complete and total bitch", "putting
her down", "sitting duck", etc.

 Rei was badly injured by her selfless act to save Asuka, and she was
eternaly grateful. Asuka stayed by Rei's bedside for days until she had
regained consiousness.The event caused Asuka to turn over a new leaf and she
was nice to Rei from that day. Asuka then helped Rei to open up and they
became as close as sisters.

Have you seen _ANY_ Neon Genisis Evangelion yet?!  Gomen, I don't mean to sound
insulting here but these characterizations seem a little off...okay really off.

"Whats the matter now?"Asuka inquired, "Is it Shinji again?"  "Shinji?" Rei
thought," I had almost forgotten about him!"

you might want to distinguish between spoken words and thoughts somehow.  Using
quotes for thought makes things really confusing.

Shinji Ikari is the infamous third child and is Asuka's roommate, They live
together with Misato in an appartment on the other side of town from the
school, they have lived together since the begining of the angel
conflict,when Misato had Auska move in with her and Shinji so they could
become better coordinated.

These statements are awfully intrusive.  The distract the reader from the story
and force them to concentrate on background info which could be included much
more smoothly.

"And why,exactly do you think my mood has anything to do with Shinji?"Rei
asked. Asuka smiled and replied"Oh I don't know... could it be the fact that
you're completely crazy about him?"
"Why would that matter,Last I heard he had the hots for you"Rei answered in
a rather depressed tone as if the thought made her mood worse. "Oh don't be
silly Rei"Asuka giggled "I've seen him looking at you,and besides it didn't
work before, he still has the scars on his back to prove it!"

Ayanami...admitting her feelings to _ANYONE_ except Gendou?!

"Did you have to remind me that you slept with him?" Rei said in a hurt
tone."Oops sorry Rei, I wasn't thinking" Asuka said as she buttoned her red
coat."Thats ok Asuka, I guess it was inevitable with the two of you living
together." By this time, the two girls had gotten their stuff from their
joint locker and had mutually decided to skip the rest of their classes for
the day without so much as mentioning it and headed for the front door.

...Asuka...Soryuu-Langsly...letting a male (other than Kaji) touch her...let
alone having _SEX_ with _Shinji_ of all people who, by her own words she
despises.

End Chapter 1

This is my first attempt at a solo fic so c&c would be greatly appreciated
-Ranchan

Well, as you can guess, I have a little problem with your
characterizations...actually I've got a big problem with your
characterizations.  Tell me, have you seen _ANY_ Neon Genesis Evangelion?  I
can't imagine Rei or Asuka acting in the way you've described them.  But that's
just me.

That brings up my second problem with this fic.  I make this comment to just
about everyone...why didn't you add more detail?  Don't assume your readers have

seen the Anime/Manga you're writing about, make them see what's going on.  I
want to see what Rei looks like in your minds eye because the Rei I see may be
completely different.  Details draw a reader into the story far more than
anything else.  If Rei is contemplating her desk tell us what she sees, does she

see the knots in the wood that remind her of the battle with the Angel that
almost killed Asuka if she hadn't taken the attack instead?  Does she see the
small neatly carved scratches on the left corner of her dest that read "Asuka +
Shinji" and the worn spot next to it that once read "Rei + Shinji" but is now
scratched out?  Details like that will help the reader get into the story.

My third problem with your fic is your grammar.  Don't get me wrong, you're no
where near as bad as Dr. Thinker (I don't think there's anyone _that_
bad...except maybe Oscar ^_^)  but reading your fic I noticed missing spaces
after commas and captial letters in the middle of sentences.  You might want to
go back and fix those, because those are awfully distracting to a reader.

Don't be discouraged because all my C&C is negative.  I tend to go heavy on the
criticism and light on the comments.  I'm actually kind of curious as to where
this is going...I'm also curious as to how you got those characterizations (too
much Evanjellydoughnut maybe ^_^)

AJ