Richard Robinson <rik@cfanet.com> wrote:

fifteen. Most of the early part of my story is not very interesting,
as it consisted of our visiting various friends and relatives, such as
my cousins Usagi, Tenchi and Ataru, while training in the martial

[The sounds of drinks being gulped are heard throughout fanfiction-land.
With any luck, this will keep the "Drinking Game" people too plastered
to keep spamming the list. :-PPP]


Interesting premise. Two major comments on the way it's written:

First of all, it would be *much* easier to read if you divided it up
into paragraphs at appropriate points.

Secondly, you are skimming by a lot of scenes that would be much more
effective if you actually wrote them out to show us what happened. Show
us in some detail exactly what happened at Jusenkyo, how Ranko had been
kicked out of her own dimension (or at least tell us exactly what she
said as she related this to Ranma), how they interacted with the
Amazons, what happened when they returned to Nerima, etc. etc. Tell us
what happened in these scenes detail by detail, and what was going
through Ranma's mind at each time. The only place you should skip the
details and just give us the summary is in relating things that happened
the same way in the continuity we know, like Ranma's neko-ken training.

Finally, a couple of nitpicks: Ranma's relating of the story is
narration, not dialog, so it shouldn't get quote marks; 'Tendos' does
not get an apostrophe unless you're talking about something belonging to
Tendo; and "Amazons" should be capitalized.

Good luck, and hope to see you writing more soon!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics