(From high atop the UFC Tower in beautiful downtown Philadelphia)
Eric: wow!  What a view you can almost see AC from here.

Sarah: Oh truly, and over there is Valley Forge....  Just a big stupid
park.

Eric: thanks to Gary for making this building for us here in Philly.

Gary Kleppe wrote:

                                I CAN'T

Sarah: humm Isnt' that what you told your last girlfriend?

Eric: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!... thats it I'm outta here.... *heads to
the elevator*

Dim: that was easy

Sarah: entirely too easy...  OH well its you and me.

Dim: its time for an entirely depressing fic review.

 

                           A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
                             by Gary Kleppe

Dim: tall building this UFC tower, does it have a name?

Sarah: no but it has this cool internet access terminal, ever so handy
for fic reviews.

Dim: what a depressing view.

Sarah: *wrapping herself in flames*  What do you mean?

Dim: who would've thought Philly was soooo smoggy.
 

                     From an idea by David Johnston

        C&C is welcomed. Flames will be laughed off.

Sarah: Great *quenching the green flames around here* apparently Gary
has developed an amazing new talent.

Dim: I can still rain on him.... and.... *causes a lightening bolt to
fry the top of Sarah's head* lightening bolt him.

Sarah:  *with smoking head* You realize some day i'll kill you.

Dim: not today!  Its sooo dark and depressing... i'm in my element.
 

        Akane and I sat on the lawn behind Furinkan High School, with
our lunches in front of us. As usual, she was mad at me.

Sarah: and as usual you probably said something really really stupid.

Dim: be real... as we all know Akane just has a bad disposition which is
derived from her cooking.  Its like the capacity to cook poorly has
given her indigestion.

        "I ate that chocolate from Ucchan just 'cause I was hungry," I
said. "How was I supposed to know she'd make such a big deal about it?"

Sarah: well .... you know those excuses get lamer.  Boy are you a dolt. 
I dont think anyone is as dense as you are becoming.

Dim: its a lack of vision.

 

        "I'm really tired of this, Ranma. We're supposed to be engaged!
I'm tired of you letting all those other girls chase after you."

Sarah: its "strokes" his ego.

Dim: well... a lesser man would hope for a stroke elsewhere.

Sarah: Dim! *shocked*

Dim: What?!  I'm stating the obvious.  I mean what man could control
himself pursued by three attractive women?  I just dont understand what
the big deal is anyways.

        "Hey, it ain't *my* idea! I never asked for any of them to be
after me! Ucchan, Shampoo, Kodachi... they don't care what I think.
Nobody does. I ain't got no control over nothin'!"

Sarah: ahhh its a visit by Ranma the whiner.

Dim: See this fic is already taking a depressing turn of events.
 

        Akane seemed like she was about to scream at me, maybe belt me
across the schoolyard. Then her face softened, and it looked like she
might be about to cry. She took my hand in hers. "Then *take* control,
Ranma," she said. "What do *you* want to do? How do you really feel
about Ucchan?"

Sarah: oh oh....  if Eric was here he'd be all beside himself over
Ukyou.

Dim: got a penny?

Sarah: why?

Dim: i think i see him down there.

        It was really weird. Like it wasn't the real Akane. Or maybe it
*was*, for the first time. I couldn't think about it just then; all I
could do was answer. "She's a friend... one of my best friends... but
no... not like that. She and I could never be..."

Dim: see that doesnt make sense?  Why not?  WHY!

Sarah: arent you getting a little worked up?

Dim: Well, it is a depressing theme.  I never really understood, best
friend yet it cant work.  It just doesnt make sense.

Sarah: Well... its cuz... its.... umm....

Dim: its DEPRESSING!  WHY?
 

        "Then tell her. Don't keep her hanging on. That's not good for
you, for her, or for anyone else."

Eric: *from down on the street* I'm listening to this!

Sarah: *hands Dim a quarter*
 

        I grabbed onto Akane's hand like letting go would've meant
falling to my death. "... I can't."

Sarah: wimp.

Eric: *from far below* OOWWW!!!!

Dim: heheheh.

Sarah: you've been really enjoying yourself lately.

Dim: its El Nino.
 

        I could tell she was losing her patience. "What do you mean,
'can't?'"

Sarah: well you see Akane, he's a boy with no backbone unable to make a
choice because he's afraid of accepting responsibility. 

Dim: its cuz either way someone gets hurt.

Sarah: its no excuse.  Responsibility for this choice lies with all
parties concerned.

Dim: but why is up to Ranma to make that choice.

Sarah: It just is.

Dim: I just think you hate men.

Sarah: *flares green* I do not hate men.
 

        How could I explain? There was no way to get her to understand.
"I... I just can't. That's all."

Dim: ohhhhhhhh *ponder and lightening*  he's gay?

Sarah: thats a strange leap.  

Dim: i jsut read that Tenchi thing.

        "Ranma..." Eyes narrowed. "You..." Fist clenched. "JERK!" She
punched me into the air, hitting harder than she had in a long time. I
flew over the school, landing right in the middle of the pool.

Dim: I hope she doesnt go chasing after Kuno now.
 

        "Damn." I pulled myself out of the pool and shook the water from
my girl's body. Damn it, we had been so close to... I didn't know what.
Maybe to finally getting past all the stupid fighting and arguments. But
I had to go and screw it up. She must've been really hurt. For once she
tried to open up to me, and I had to be the jerk.

Sarah: is that a first?  *taps her foot*

        What made it worse was that Akane had been absolutely right. It
*wasn't* fair for me to keep stringing Ucchan along.

Dim: if you even mention anything about how its not only his choice ....

Sarah: .... >_<
 

        I headed for the men's locker room. A quick change, and then I'd
head over to Ukyo's restaurant. I *had* to tell her -- or at least, I
had to try.

                              *********

        The transvestite ninja bowed as I came in the door. "Good
afternoon, Ranma!"

        "Yeah, uh, hi, Konatsu." I tried to smile, but didn't do a very
good job of it. "Is, um, is Ucchan around?"

        "Of course! Ukyo-sama! Look who's here!"

        "Ran-chan! Care for an okonomiyaki special?" Ukyo smiled from
behind the counter as she poured batter onto the grill. She didn't wait
for me to say yes; she already knew the answer.

Sarah: a predictable answer from a predictable boy.

Dim: see you do hate men.

Sarah: THATS IT!  *surrounds herself in a green aura*
 

        Or she thought she did. "Ukyo, I... I can't. Please. Don't. I've
got something I want... I need to talk to you about."

Dim: ohh surprise answer... see Man Hater?

Sarah: *jumps at Dim passes through the little cloud and lands on the
floor*
 

        Konatsu quietly faded back as Ukyo vaulted over the grill and
sat down on one of the customer stools. "What is it, Ran-chan? What's
wrong? Let me help!"

        I took the seat next to her. "Ukyo, this ain't easy to say...
but I gotta say it. You're a good friend, Ucchan. A great friend. But
I... I don't feel the way... like I know you do."

Dim: but WHY!

Sarah: its not impt! just accept thats he's a jerk!

Dim: WHY?  It is unsinkable!

Sarah: uhhhhh... what?

Dim: *shrug*
 

        "Ran-chan! Are you saying that you don't love...?"

Dim: if its the waterworks time....  I still dont understand.

Sarah: *ponders*  near?  far?  wherever you are?

Dim: Exactly.
 

        Ranma silently nodded.

        "Oh, Ran-chan, that's all right!" She gave me a playful chuck on
the shoulder. "Why didn't you tell me? I understand!"

        "You do?"

Dim and Sarah and Nabiki Tendo: YOU DO?

Nabiki: WHAT?  I do work here you know.

        "Sure! I mean, for me okonomiyaki is my life! But I don't expect
everybody to like it as much as I do. It's okay! I'll make you some
sandwiches or something instead. Honestly, Ran-chan! You didn't have to
keep eating it for so long when you didn't like it, you silly! You must
really--"

Dim: d'oh, 

Sarah: Iceburg right ahead!

Dim: yep those idiots on the watchtower would've seen that iceburg if
they hadnt been looking at Kate Winslet.

Nabiki: what are you two talking about and who let you up here?

Sarah: its a public building.

Nabiki sure the observatory but not the stupid radiot antenna.

Sarah and Dim:  well.....

 

        "No!" I interrupted. "That ain't what I mean!"

Sarah: well at least he's not backing down.
 

        "Then what?"

        "Ukyo..." I couldn't get words to come out of my mouth.

        Her eyes went wide with shock. "You don't love *me*? Is that
what you're saying?"

Dim: an amazing leap for a girl who doesnt pay attention to the obvious
and is a master at self delusion.

Sarah: Now thats not fair, Ranma broke her heart.

Dim: i wouldnt expect you to find you defending Ukyou.  Male Basher.

Nabiki: *gives up trying to figure anything out and watches the Ben
Franklin Bridge*
 
Sarah: *forms a little globe of energy around Dim*

        All I could do is stare at her. I had nothing to say that could
make it better, nothing that could excuse the idiot I'd been for so
long.

Dim: you cant get away with this.

Sarah: watch me!  *punts Dim into low earth orbit*  HA!

Nabiki: do you know a green haired woman with horns by chance?
 

        She stood. "Damn it, Ran-chan!" Her giant spatula crashed down
onto the stool she had been sitting on, flattening it to the size of one

Nabiki and Sarah: never mess with a woman and her spatula.

of her okonomiyaki. "Do you know how much I've been through? How much
I've given up for you?!"

Sarah: crush the little male flat!

Nabiki: You go sister!

*A cloud starts to form over the tower*
 

        "Ukyo, I'm... I'm sorry...."

*Lightening crackles*
 
Sarah: Sorry's not going to cut it!

Nabiki:*looks up and notices the cloud*

        "Sorry? SORRY? After I wasted my whole life? After you ran out
on me, and I had to become a boy just so they'd stop making fun of me?
Sometimes I can still hear their voices, did you know that?"

Nabiki: did these voices also tell you to dress up as boy and kill
people? *starts heading for the door and makes a discrete exit*

*Thunder rolls*

Sarah: HA!  See.... I hear those voices too... get even with men!  Thats
right! HAHAHHAH!
 

        Konatsu rushed over to her. "Ukyo-sama, I'm so sorry! If there's
anything I can..."

*Lightening strikes the tower charcoaling Sarah*
 

        "Damn it!" Her hands circled around Konatsu's neck. "You've
always been laughing at me! All of you! Behind my back! I'll make you
shut up!" Her strangling grip tightened as the ninja gasped for breath.

Dim: *pokes the stunned Sarah*  maybe that was a bit much.

Sarah: *falls over*

Nabiki: *from the stairs* woopsie.

Dim: Boy Ukyou has some real issues to deal with.
 

        "Ucchan, stop!" I yelled. "I was just kidding!"

Dim: oh god.
 
Sarah: *a flicker of green escapes her eyes*

        She looked at me. "What?"

        "I was just kidding! Of course I ain't made up my mind who I
love. You know me, the most indecisive guy in the world. Probably take
me years and years!"

Sarah: *rages up in flames*

        "Oh, Ran-chan!" She let Konatsu fall to the ground and smiled.
"You big silly! How about that okonomiyaki now?" I nodded yes.

Dim: oh joy now you've ticked her off.
 
Sarah: These stupid spamfics... why do I read them?  They're aimed at
me!  You all hate me!

        "I'm so happy for you, Ukyo-sama!" Konatsu coughed out, as his
boss delightedly started cooking.

Dim: boy Konatsu isnt so bright.
 

        I sighed to myself. I had tried. *How can I explain this to
Akane?* I wondered. The answer was simple.

        *I can't.*

        AUTHOR'S STUFF: Yes, it's OOC. Consider this to be revenge for
all of the "poor, sweet, angelic Ukyo" fanfics. :-P I don't consider
this one any more OOC than those.

Sarah: *unleashes a geyser of flames*  Revenge for poor, sweet Ukyou? 
*fires of a blast of fire at a far distant Gary*

Dim: uhhh... remember he laughs off flames.

Sarah: argh....

Dim: temper.

Sarah: *develops a vein on her forehead that throbs*
 

        A tip of the imaginary hat to anyone who recognized the opening
conversation.

Sarah: I have no clue what that conversation could be about.  *stomps
off to the stairs* Stupid stupid spamfic, wish i was blind.

Dim: You know you dont have to live with her.  Oh well... we dont have
to read these either.  Anyways what can you say about a spamfic?  Its
entertaining?  Funny?  It was all of those things except for one thing,
it didnt really seem like REVENGE on poor, sweet Ukyou.  It just
maintained her status as a depressing character.  Really... i felt quite
sorry for her.  *shrug*  CIAO!  *floats off humming* And i'm walking in
memphis, walking in the pouring rain.