Promising, very promising. Your style is good too.

	With a grim, resolute expression, he set his legs, grunted,
and dragged the carcass off the road.

Well, you could have shown more of Keiichi's reactions to what he did. Try 
to convey how Keiichi would feel at having to end a life even to its 
suffering.

Three times, right above his eyes, Keiichi felt his skin burn at the 

touch.

It's actually at the center of the forehead you know.

By your worthiness, you have also spoken for your sister. She too, shall 

share in your >gifts.

Personally, I would prefer to test her out first. Given what He's put 
Keiichi through, I doubt He would spare her the same treatment.

	How could he not? Keiichi nodded dumbly.

Numbly.

"This new goddess is yours to train and protect."

Proctect, yes. But train? When Keiichi himself needs training? Ha ha.

I'm still not that clear on Mara's name. Mara or Marller?

Fujishima himself uses Marller.

THE THIRTEENTH *DAY* HAS JUST BEGUN...

Does this mean you plan on furthering this plot? If you do, I'd read it.��