Hello! This is part 5! And as most of you know we had a vote to decided who 
Ryouga would sleep with.Read and find out who Ryouga will hop in the sack
with! I 
would like to dedicate this fic to Woody Allen who is one of the best
directors 
alive. I would say best director dead, but he isn't. 

'I am going to be executed at six a.m. I was going to be executed at five
a.m., but I had a smart lawyer.'
-From 'Love and Death' 

*Dis is a disclaimer* I don't own these characters, they belong to God. Nah,
they belong to Rumiko Takahashi, the next best thing to god who would
probably be very angry with me for how much I maligned her wonderful series.

Luckily for me there is a very large body of water separating us.

Ranma is called Ranko when in female form

() suggest that action is taking place

: are used when a character is speaking

A Totally Non-sensical Tripe production

Of a Ryoucilo film

Your Run of the Mill Magical Girl Show Starring... Part 5 Easy Pieces

(1.Akari Unyuu's kitchen Int. Of course it's inside, ya moron! Since when
has a kitchen been outside! Day)

(The camera is focusing on Ryouga as he is sitting at the table and eating
some toast. He is reading the sports page of a newspaper and looks rather
content.)

Ryouga(VO):That's me, Ryouga Hibiki. And as you might have guessed, I am
very
content. Why? I have no job, I have very little formal education and I could
get lost in my own house. Uh, why am I content again?...uh..oh, yeah now I
remember. Well there are several reasons why I am happy right at this point.

(The camera pans over to Ryouga's left where we see a small child who is the
spitting image of Ryouga except he has pink hair. Butaga is throwing his
food all over the place. He stands on the table and throws his plate
across the room, making a general mess of things.) 

Ryouga(VO):That's my son, Butaga. Yes, I know. How can a seventeen-year-old
have a five-year-old kid...uh.. you're not wondering how a seventeen
year-old can have a five-year old kid? You people are pretty weird! Anyway,
he comes from the future, where Akari is the queen. Even though he looks
like
a silly little brat, he isn't. He's a demon! I mean, the kid is a monster! I
hope that I go sterile before he's supposed to be conceived. Today he's
behaving very nicely. In other words he isn't trying to set the house on
fire. 

(The camera pans to the left where we see Akane, who is staring at Butaga.
Akane shrugs and goes back to drinking tea.)

Ryouga(VO):That's Akane. I have no idea what she's like. That's probably
because she doesn't have many lines in the show. She doesn't really do
anything, so why waste time on her?

(The camera pans over to behind Akane where we see Nodoka at the stove.
Nodoka is cooking some eggs.)

Ryouga(VO):That's Mrs.Saotome. She is insane! I mean the woman is a loon!
She hasn't tried to make me wear a dress in forty-eight hours so I guess
that's a good sign.

(The camera pans over back to the table, where we see Akari and Ranko
shouting
at each other.) 

Ryouga(VO):The one on the left is Akari. She loves pigs - No! I don't mean
she loves them that way! The one on the right is Ranma. He is currently a
she, due to a curse from a place called Jusenkyo. I don't know where it is,
but it's probably near New Jersey. What are they fighting over? Myself. No,
I don't have a big ego! They just can't keep their hands off me. They
never ask me my opinion on the whole thing, and they aren't bothering me so
everything is perfectly fine. The only thing that could probably change that
is if a youma came by, or if those two gained common sense. A youma won't be
coming because they're all on strike, and the only common sense that those
two will get has the name Thomas Paine on the cover. There is no way that
they will ever become rational enough to ask me what I think about the whole
situation.

Akari and Ranko stop arguing and look OS at Ryouga.

Akari and Ranko:Ryouga, which one of us do you love?

(The camera zooms over to Ryouga, who has stopped eating his toast and is
looking at Akari and Ranko who are OS.)

Ryouga(VO):Then again...

(Ryouga shakes his head and looks a bit flustered.)

Ryouga:Wh-wh-what?

(The camera cuts back to Akari and Ranko.)

Akari:Ryouga, we have been fighting over you for so long, and we just wanted
to know...which one of us do you love most?

(The camera cuts back to Ryouga.)

Ryouga:I dunno.

(The camera cuts back to... aw screw it, you get the picture. Whenever Ranko
or Akari are speaking, the camera is on them. Whenever Ryouga is speaking
the
camera is on him.)

Ranko:Well, why can't you make up your mind?

Ryouga:I dunno.

Akari:Ryouga, you've never thought of the one person that you would spend
your entire life with?

Ryouga:I dunno.

Ranko:How can you answer 'I dunno'? That was a direct yes or no question!

Ryouga:I dunno.

Akari:Why do I have the feeling this is not going to be easy?

Ryouga:I dunno.

Ranko:Can you say anything besides I dunno?!

Ryouga:I dunno.

(Ranko stands up and it looks like she is about to scream. Which she does.)

Ranko:Ryouga! Can't you see that we love you-

Akari:Well actually I'm the only one that loves you-

(Ranko elbows Akari in the nose.)

Ranko:Oh so sorry. Reflex to self-obsessed, neurotic, premma-donna ugly old
maids  who can't keep their pie holes shut.

(Akari gets back up and yanks really hard on Ranko's pig-tail.)

Akari:Oh I'm terribly sorry. Reflex to cheap, big breasted, airheaded bimbo
sluts who just don't know their place.

(Akari and Ranko get into a big fight and call each other various names. The
camera pans over to Ryouga, who is in a thinking pose.)

Ryouga(VO):This was really bad. I had no idea what to do. Should I choose
Ranma or Akari? Whenever I have a big problem and I have to make a decision
that may well change my entire life, I do one thing. I ask somebody else
what I should do.

Cuts to:

(2.??? Exterior Day)

(We see Ryouga talking to someone OS, but we can't hear him.)

Ryouga(VO):I went to ask my parents what I should do...

(Ryouga yells something that we cannot hear and turns around and leaves.)

Ryouga(VO):They weren't much help seeing as how they were both dead.

(The camera zooms down to the ground where we see several grave markers.
Ryouga had been talking to a tombstone with the name Hibiki on it.)

The camera cuts to:

(3.Funeral Home Interior Day)

(Ryouga is standing near some coffins talking to a man who is pale white and
has dark circles around his eyes (no it isn't Gosunkugi.) The man is dressed
totally in black and is showing Ryouga a coffin.)

Ryouga(VO):So I thought who would know how to help me out with my romantic
troubles. A mortician of course!

Mortician:As you can see this coffin has fine corinthian leather which will
hold you lovingly while you are encased and lie in death's embrace.

Ryouga:Uh, I didn't want to buy a coffin.

Mortician:Why did you come here then?

Ryouga:Well I wanted to know if you could help me with some romantic
problems I'm having-

Mortician (Waves his hands):I'm sorry, but I have had no romantic experiance
in my entire life.

(Ryouga looks depressed at this.)

Mortician:Unless, of course, you are talking about a corpse. I have had a
lot
of romantic experience with the dead.

(Ryouga turns a little green and is looking for an exit.)

Mortician:I remember this fine carcass that came through here. I knew I had
to have her-

Ryouga:(Interrupting) Gee. That sounds like an interesting story, but I've
really gotta go.

(Ryouga runs out of the room as fast as possible.)

The camera cuts to:

(4.Laboratory Interior Day)

(Ryouga is inside a laboratory talking to a tall gangly-looking scientist
who
is wearing glasses and a lab coat. There is a long table which has various
beakers and contraptions on it.)

Ryouga(VO):Okay, so asking a mortician was a little weird. If I ever die I
will ask to be immediately cremated. I decided to ask a scientist what he
thought. I mean science has been able to do so much. So why couldn't it help
me with this one little problem?

(Ryouga is just finishing telling his problem to the scientist who nods his
head knowingly.)

Ryouga:So what do you think, Doctor Carlyle?

Scientist:I think that you have a problem on your hand.

Ryouga:So what do you think I should do?

(Dr.Carlyle rummages through all of the inventions and clutter and pulls out
a small metal headband.)

Ryouga:What's that?

Dr.Carlyle:This Ryouga is a cerebral fluctuator with the capability of
increasing your current intelligence.

Ryouga:Huh?

Dr.Carlyle:It'll make you smarter.

Ryouga:Oh. Why would I need that?

Dr.Carlyle:Well there are *several* reasons, but right now you need it so
that you'll make a logical decision about who you should choose.

Ryouga:Cool, let's try it out!

Dr.Carlyle is about to put the headband on Ryouga's head.

Ryouga:Say, Doc, they're aren't any side effects are there?

(Dr.Carlyle doesn't put the headband on Ryouga, but holds it over his head.)

Dr.Carlyle:Aside from your increased intelligence, there will be no side
effects.

(Ryouga relaxes.)

Dr.Carlyle:Besides, if anything goes wrong, you'll die before you notice
them.

Ryouga:Excuse me?

Dr.Carlyle:Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to mention that there is a 80% chance
that
you'll die.

Ryouga:What?!

Dr.Carlyle:I'm afraid it's true, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.

(Ryouga shoves Dr.Carlyle away.)

Ryouga:You're crazy! 

(Ryouga runs out as Dr.Carlyle tries to catch up with him.)

Dr.Carlyle:Wait Ryouga! If you don't help me out I'll never win the nobel
prize- Uh, I mean humanity will never benefit from this wonderful invention!

(Dr.Carlyle stops and realizes that he is talking to himself. He
takes out a pen and paper pad and begins to scribble down a note.)

Dr.Carlyle:Note, next time don't tell the subject the risks.

The camera cuts to:  

(5.Confessional Int. Day)

(The first shot is of an empty confessional. Suddenly someone comes up and
sits in  the confessional and he is facing the camera. The person is
Ryouga.Ryouga slides the little panel on the side of the confessional so he
can talk to the priest.)

Priest(OS):What is your sin, my son?

Ryouga:Wait a minute. I didn't know I had to do something bad in order to
talk to you.

Priest(OS):Well you are supposed to come to confession after you have
committed a sin.

(Ryouga thinks about this for a second.)

Ryouga:Oh, I get it. Okay, how about I go out and rob a liquor store. Then
I'll come back to see you.

Priest(OS):Uh... I don't think that will be necessary. Please, just tell me
what's troubling you.

Ryouga:I've got these two girls who love me, but I can't decide which one I
like.

Priest(OS):Son, there are three things that you can do in a situation like
this.The first option you have is to choose one girl that you like and try
to court her.

Ryouga:Hmm... Yeah, that sounds pretty rational.

Priest(OS):The second option is you could date them both behind their backs.

Ryouga is drooling at the thought.

Ryouga:That doesn't sound rational, but it sure sounds like fun.

Priest(OS):Of course you'd go to Hell for that.

Ryouga:That's not an option. 

Priest(OS):The third option is that you could join the Catholic church and
become a priest.

(Ryouga thinks about it for a while.)

Ryouga:I think I'll go with the first one.Thanks Father.

(Ryouga leaves the confessional.)

Priest(OS):*sigh* No one ever chooses the third one.

The camera cuts to:

(6.Unryuu Kitchen Night Interior)

(Butaga is sitting by the floor petting a dog. Ryouga walks into the kitchen
and Butaga looks up at him.)

Butaga:Heya dad! How ya doing?

Ryouga:Fine. (Notices that the dog is alive and healthy) Butaga?

Butaga:Yes?

Ryouga:Isn't that dog supposed to be dead?

Butaga:Well,  where I come from nothing stays dead for long.

Ryouga:What happens to the food you eat?

Butaga:You don't want to know.

Ryouga:I'll take your word on that. Well, I have to go now.

Butaga:Dad?

Ryouga:Yes?

Butaga stands up.

Butaga:I was just thinking, if you have sex with one of those two bimbos,
please let it be the one with the big boobs. 'Cause I wanna be born so I can
make everybody miserable! I wanna destroy everything in my path! I want to
kill!
Kill! Kill! That's all.

(Ryouga looks at Butaga as if he were Satan's spawn.)

Ryouga:Son...

Butaga:Yes?

Ryouga:Please remind me to have a vasectomy.

The camera cuts to:

(7.Hallway Night Interior)

(Ryouga is standing in the hallway, looking at two doors which are on
opposite
sides of the hallway.)

Ryouga:What am I gonna do? If I go to Akari she'll lavish me with affection,
but won't give me any space. Than I'll probably go insane and then kill
myself.Nah that would be sort of like living the life of an artist except
without 
the talent. If I go to Ranma we'll probably have wild, animal sex, but I
don't 
think we will ever connect with one another and will be stuck in a loveless 
relationship. But wild, animal sex does sound good. What am I gonna do?!

Nodoka:What's the problem?

(Ryouga jumps back as he realizes someone had come up behind him. Ryouga
looks at Nodoka and pinches his nose. Nodoka is wearing a see-through night
gown and a 
trickle of blood is coming out of Ryouga's nose.Nodoka sees this and rushes 
forward to help Ryouga.)

Nodoka:Oh, Ryouga, what's the matter with your nose?

(Ryouga waves Nodoka off.)

Ryouga:Nothing. Nothing.

(Ryouga lets go of his nose and breathes in.)

Ryouga:I'm okay.

Nodoka:Ryouga, what are you doing out in the hallway?

Ryouga:Oh, uh, well, I um...

Nodoka gives a wry grin.

Nodoka:Ah, you're trying to decide who you like more.

Ryouga:How'd you know?

Nodoka:I was listening to your monologue.

Ryouga:Oh.

Nodoka:So who have you chosen?

Ryouga:I don't know. It's so hard to make up my mind.

Nodoka looks thoughtful.

Nodoka:You know this whole thing reminds me of when I was a young woman. My
betrothed also had another woman that he loved very dearly. She was
intelligent, witty and much more beautiful than myself.

Ryouga:So why did he choose you?

Nodoka:Oh because my family was offering a really good dowry.

Ryouga:Uh... What was the moral of that story?

Nodoka:I have no idea.

(Nodoka walks down the hall Off Screen. Ryouga begins to look at the two
doors again. Finally Ryouga looks resolved and walks over to one door.
Ryouga looks at the door and goes back to the other door. Ryouga repeats the
procedure several times and then just stands in the middle of the hallway.
Ryouga
turns to one door and knocks on it. The door opens. We cannot see who is
inside the room.)

Ryouga:Uh... Hello... I was wondering if you would like to go out on a date
or...

(Before Ryouga can finish, an arm snakes out from the room and pulls him
into
the room. The door slams shut.)

The camera cuts to: 

(8.Bedroom Day Interior)

(The camera is positioned on the floor and we can see bundled-up clothes
lying all over the place. The camera pans up from the floor to show the bed.
There are two large lumps under the cover that are moving frantically. The
movement slows down as a head pops up from under the covers. It is Ryouga.)

Ryouga:Tha-that was quite a first date.

(Another head pops out from under the covers. It is Ranko.)

Ranko:Who says the date's over?

(Ryouga is pulled back underneath the covers as the two lumps begin to move
again.)

The camera cuts to black:

The votes were:

Ranma: 2 
Akari: 7
Ranko: 9
Akane: 2
Nodoka:2
Nabiki:1

Thanks goes out to all of those who voted and I will say that these were not
rigged, unlike the Ranma fanfiction polls. Those polls are run by  
communist space hookers, who are using implants to make you vote for 'Hearts
of Ice'.(It's true!)

I would also like to thank my pre-readers 

Gary Kleppe and Cindy Toler

(I'll have more pre-readers for the next episode.)


Until I find better things to write about. Ja ne.