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* Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction * Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction * Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction *
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Switch: Herbs and Spices (Part 08 of 12) by Nikholas "Switch" F. Toledo
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Please do remember that Ranma 1/2 is a trademark and a copyright of and
by some big name people and companies I am not even worthy to introduce.
Anybody who says that I took any of their stuff better not find me
hiding. Also, great thanks to whoever reads this and likes it, good
thanks to whoever reads it anyhow, and teeny-weeny thanks to whoever else
even saw this. I have no need to remind you that this is Day 2, right?
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Fourteen Snakes and Ladders
Soun opened the sliding door quickly, and jumped into the house,
turning his head left and right. "Hello?" He wondered what had happened
while they had been out. Most of all, he was worried that there wasn't
anything to eat; they weren't able to grab anything the whole time they
were out.
"Kasumi?"
For the first time in a long time, the two most prosperous
specialty restaurants in Nerima were both closed before the dusk. While,
in the integrated commercial and residential housing scheme, they both
had a fianc�e (or alleged wife) of one Ranma Saotome, who were both
asleep, were both crossed (jilted?) by another male (other than Ranma,
that is), were both were denying it to the male, and were mostly denying
the same to themselves, one would wonder if these were not the only
eating establishments that had the privilege of having beautiful young
women on their payroll with a healthy interest in martial arts in
general, and one martial artist in particular. After all, this is Nerima
we are talking about here, and, while Nerima naturally abhors a vacuum,
it murderously despises a lack of premarital tension.
Let A by this heretofore-anonymous woman. For the sake of the
argument, say she's old enough to be within Ranma's age range, with
enough maturity for martial arts training and must understand the concept
of marriage: about twelve to twenty years old. Because the Cat Cafe and
the Ucchan's are both closed systems, A must be working at some other
large-scale food-dispenser, like, say, WcDonald's; working at WcDonald's
would at least give A twenty-two secret herbs and spices, better-to-equal
footing with either Shampoo or (heaven forbid) Kodachi.
She would have to know a distinctly unique martial arts style.
While she could possibly get off learning a relatively more widespread
discipline, like tae kwon do, judo, or shaolin, it would be more likely
that, if A were to have a sincere fascination in Mr. R. S., and an equal
interest in martial arts, she would either be more inclined to follow in
the path of kung fu (or kempo), with its acceptance and assimilation of
other disciplines, or less interested in the logistics of the art,
fascinated with the aesthetic form of his execution. The latter would
leave A further and further in terms of commonality. However, if A were
to be of a different discipline altogether, she would be excused from
feeling threatened, as he would not be likely to better A in her field.
It is extremely unlikely that A would not know anything about
Ranma's situation, like his gender-bending, or his multiple affiances.
The following example should prove substantial to that end:
"Say, A, how's work?"
"Kind of tiring, really. I'm glad I pulled cashier duty today."
"Did you hear the latest? It's about... you-know-who..."
A props her chin on her arm, dreamily envisioning the young man.
"What about... him?"
"There was this new teacher in school, really... sexy type."
A raises an eyebrow. "He likes older women?"
"Well, she actually looks more of like a kid."
The other eyebrow. "He likes younger women?"
"With him stringing along Akane Tendo, goddess of Furinkan?"
Counting off her fingers, A enumerated her rivals, "or that Amazon,
or that okonomiyaki cook..."
A shiver. "Or that Kuno girl."
"Did he have a fight?"
"That's where I was getting to. He had to fight that teacher, but
he had to be a she..."
And so on.
Thus, A had to be a practitioner of either kempo or a martial art
that Ranma himself had not successfully mastered, and possibly known
about his curses. So, then, what stops A from placing her claims on
Ranma, as much of his suitresses already have?
Of course, there is the ever-present tension of the other
claimants. Only in the confines of a cafeteria can the same conflict be
affected. Unless she had yet undiscovered skill, or further unclear
conflicts, romantic or otherwise, she would most likely be of an
altogether lower class than the more prominent female figures in Nerima.
Or, most importantly, maybe it was clashing with one (or more) of her
major principles.
With that definition, it must be quite obvious that A does not only
exist, but she had already been woven into the story, long, long ago.
The only problem was that she, too, now has several suitors to consider.
In a second floor room in the Tendo home, a rustling would have
alerted no one, or at least it should have. A figure rustled in the
nooks and crannies, desperate for a particular type of tool.
"How much do I need anyhow?" the blur muttered to itself in
blurspeak, which sounded like your everyday Japanese in doublespeed (its
North American counterpart being chipmunkspeak). It rummaged the cabinet
in a secure-return-rearrange manner, starting to acquire a frantic edge
to its search. The fading sunlight did not help much, and it said, "what
now? The master will be furious, I, I... what's that?"
Across the room, on top of the bookcase, a very unassuming figure
sat. The blur smiled, took the figure, and dashed out of the window, and
into the sunset.
It also forgot to close the window.
The meteorite floated like a buoy in the middle of Mr. Turtle's
pond. Not that he would mind.
Ryoga slipped again.
"Oh! Darn! AAAGGGHH! Stupid! SHH!" He quickly reprimanded
himself for almost letting go of the plate, almost screaming out loud,
eventually shouting, and being such a forgetful idiot, in that order.
This was all because he couldn't find a way out of the Ucchan's, was
stuck in Ukyo's makeshift kitchen (the one on the second floor), was
currently cleaning plates, waiting for... well, he assumed until Ukyo
would wake up, so that she could tell him how to get out. Of course,
this entailed that he was not, in fact, trying to wake her up, because
that would put her in a far worse mood than she had been in earlier.
Why was she in such a huff earlier? It seemed apparent that she
wasn't angry over the fact that he and P-chan were one and the same. (He
imagined her smacking him around a bit, much like what Ranma would do
when he... better not go there...) She did leave the kettle there for
him. So what was the problem? Was he supposed to take it and run?
He stopped his arms from its movements, focussing on the line of
thought. Did she think that that's what he would do? Leave her in the
lurch? Wait, wait. She wasn't in any danger... was she?
Digging deeper, he tried to recall the details of earlier. She was
behind her grill, he came in, her eyes widened a mix of relief and anger
and longing, she ran up to him, pushing him to the floor, tearing off his
clothes, and hers, and... eh-heh-heh. Ryoga tried shoving the daydream
to as far a corner of his mind as he could. He wiped the trail of blood
down to his upper lip.
A face. A completely forgettable, nondescript face of a man. He
was looking in from the outside.
The image from his mind faded as, with anything that he tried to
direct, the daydream got lost and came back to the foreground of his
mind.
"Great-granddaughter."
Shampoo wiped oversleep from her eyes. "Great-grandmother? You
here already?"
"Mousse... where is Mousse?"
The mention of Mousse's name somehow caused Shampoo to yawn, but
the sound she made came out strangled. She patted her tears away. "I no
care what Mousse say," Shampoo barely whispered.
"Hunh?" Cologne thought she heard, but wasn't quite sure.
"I no care where Mousse go," Shampoo said, firmly, and quickly
walked away.
Cologne did not bother to follow. She shook her head darkly, and
turned to make a fast inventory check.
In the Gosunkugi household, a window opened.
A figure slowly crept its way in through the window, making sure to
not to step on anything.
"Is that you, Hikaru?"
Gosunkugi sighed. "Yes, mom."
"Come on down, so we can have our dinner."
He carefully placed the folder on top of the TV. "Okay, mom."
Kasumi leaned onto the fence overlooking the river, pondering the
red-eye sun. It seemed swollen with loss, tired by its long journey.
She opened the letter she had wanted to talk to Dr. Tofu about, the one
she had picked up yesterday. It didn't seem like it was something you
told your mother, unless one had a long-drawn, poetic and beautiful...
Oedipus complex. "Dr. Tofu..." she sighed, very slightly shaking her
head in a rueful manner. She returned it within the confines of the new
book she had borrowed, and made her way back home.
"Augh. Pain. Can't. Move."
"C'mon, Nabiki. You can do it."
Nabiki grit her teeth. "Easy. For. You. To. Ugh. Say."
"At least she's gone."
"So. She. Is."
Soun entered the kitchen. "Hello?"
"Dad! Daaaaaadd!"
"I'm. Not. Demeaning. Myself."
Soun covered his eyes in an effort to scour the farther ends of the
room with better luck. "Kasumi? Nabiki? Akane?"
Akane turned to Nabiki, desperate. "C'mon, Nabiki."
"Sigh. Dad!"
Soun's ears picked up the summons. He ran over to the other side
of table. There, propped up against the legs of the chair, and against
each other were Akane and Nabiki. "Daughters!" The waterworks began.
"Told. You."
The plumbing in Nerima has been known to be a notoriously complex
system. Despite the great literary examples of explorations of the water
and wasteways (indeed, one could spend thirty pages on the topic, just to
explain how there could be a Japanese nannichuan), we aren't really
concerned with that type of thing. What we are concerned with, however,
is how a fully grown alligator can use this system to get from a set of
artificial hot springs to the river.
The Kuno household, despite its looks is not a 16th century
building, not a powerful tie to the past, and not an inheritance from
rich and powerful ancestors. In fact, not too long before the Tendos
Soun and Kimiko came into Nerima, the whole block comprising Kuno's
estate was where the police headquarters was once located. (No, they
weren't bought out of the district. They police headquarters was
relocated. Yes, on the quieter side of Nerima. Near a small donut shop,
one might think.)
How could a block with the police headquarters fit well with the
plumbing scheme? Well, it was right next to a public bath...
In any case, the initial layout had been set by Kuno and the head
servant at that time, who was Sasuke's ninja master. They had agreed to
design the house and lot with feudal flavor as it was a) easier to
install traps and their ilk, b) Kuno's hobby at the time, and c) just
kewl.
At first, it seemed easier to assimilate the buildings that were
already there. The bathhouse would have easily been converted into the
hot springs, the police building into the main house. However, the
paranoia of the servant (and the sheer kookiness of the elder Kuno),
caused them to excavate most of the block.
(This is also the reason why, in reparation for his single-handedly
advancing the construction industry in the area, the principal spends
time annoying work crews. Luckily, the area was not even close to where
the Japanese Jusenkyo springs once were. If they were, they would have
discovered the horrible reason as to why the Japanese branch of the
franchise was closed down. Also, that area would have to have pretty
rotten topsoil, anyway.)
Thus, the traps that used water, especially the one which was
inspired by the invention of the washing machine, were all linked into
the water systems.
Having said all that, the following conjectures illustrate how a
full-grown alligator could be flushed into the river:
- having gotten loose from his bounds, Mr. Turtle, the full-grown
alligator in question, ambles into the washing machine trap.
- the female household help (total household help minus Sasuke) all
realize that they are in love with Sasuke, and all decide to take a bath.
- the water, having been siphoned into the trap, taps out of the
showers being used.
- out of sheer spite, the disgruntled bathers flush the nearby
toilets.
- inside the washing machine trap, the spin cycle is set to high.
The water temperature reaches bathtub levels.
- in the true fashion of the reptile family, Mr. Turtle taps his
inner calm and Heaven-Blasts (in this case, of the Alligator) sending
itself and hundreds upon hundreds of gallons of hot water through the
roof of the trap, and heavenwards.
- the hot water falls back to earth in the form of hot rain.
- Mr. Turtle lands in the river.
Of course, further investigation could clarify the iffy bits.
"Hello?" Mousse called again, shifting in his place. Certainly,
he could still be early for dinner, but it was important for impression's
sake. He waited outside the door, more apprehensive because of it.
"Pop!" Ranma hissed. "I'm hungry already!"
"Shut your mouth, boy! We're not going in until we know it's
safe!" Genma took a long, hard look at his grumbling son (the ill-
mannered lout). "You don't see me complaining."
"Oh, yeah, right. Like you had to use your ki to blast that little
freak of nature into orbit."
Genma immediately took the point. "A true martial artist takes on
each challenge as though it were his last."
"Now what's THAT supposed to -"
"Your mother might be in there."
Ranma "oh"ed, and shut up.
"Master Kuno?"
Kuno didn't bother to look around, knowing that the ninja will
appear at his summons. "What is it, Sasuke? Have you gotten what I have
asked of you?"
A blur ended at his feet. Sasuke prostrated himself, and pushed
his hands forward, presenting a token. "H-here it is, Master Kuno."
Kuno picked up the doll. "You fool! This is a doll!"
"B-but, Master, look! Under the skirt!"
"Silence, wretch! You would have the great Tatewaki Kuno, skein of
the house of Kuno, Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, look up a doll's
skirt?!"
"It's not really a doll, Master! Here!"
Shoving the skirt up (without letting the noble and pure Kuno heir
see a thing), he tickled his master's face with the ends.
"Desist!" Sasuke promptly acquiesced, and Kuno took the doll.
Right after he had a weird grin on his face, he began laughing like a
madman, and shaking the tree just beyond the Tendo dojo, saying, "at
last, I shall have you, Akane Tendo! True love will triumph! Saotome,
your black magic will ensnare her no longer!"
Sasuke just wondered. "But, Master, what shall we do with it?"
"That's it, pop. I've gotta get some grub."
"Suit yourself. Just as long as you don't go in the house."
"Sh'yeah. Right."
The night has always been the opponent of purity, of light. The
night was the realm of Nyx, of Loki, and occasionally, Hecate and the
other goddesses of the moon. Without the guiding (and all-encompassing)
sun in the sky, the stars tended to screw up with Man's natural onboard
navigational systems, which served to direct them to their right and true
path.
In Nerima, there is a singularity of sorts. Being the second most
improbable place in the universe, the normalcy factor had been out of
whack, anyway. However, this singularity works, as any black hole would,
in the darkness of space.
It may be of interest to note that this singularity is greatly
affected by its environment, and hiccups at a few minutes to three in the
morning. It also just crash-landed back into Nerima territory earlier in
the day.
"Good evening, Mousse."
"Eh? K-Kasumi..."
Kasumi bowed. "I'm sorry I wasn't here to meet you. Have you been
waiting long?"
"N-not really. S-shall we -"
"KASUMI!!!" Soun barreled out the door, slamming into Mousse,
sending the latter face-first into the ground.
"Oh my." Kasumi went to help Mousse pick-up the assorted
containers of herbs and spices.
Miss Hinako Ninomiya wove her way home to her apartment, and
focussed her depression into beating the crap out of a caped, red-wearing
villain.
Ukyo woke up to the sound of crashing.
"What in the world?"
"Uh... uh, Ukyo?"
Her eyes slimmed to angry slits. "Ryoga."
"D-don't look at me like that."
There was a genuine fear in his voice, one that called to her more
caring, more amiable nature. At least her less suspicious, less violent
one. "Ryoga... what are you doing there?"
"I... I know you were angry at me earlier..."
She cringed slightly. "Let's... let's just forget about that, for
now..." Was he in the kitchen? That's where it seemed to be coming
from.
"Eh-heh. I... I mean, I... I know you... like me..."
Her annoyance meter notched up one. "So what if I like you?" She
finally felt like getting out of bed, and did so.
"I mean, I like you, too."
If it wasn't for the almost cavalier way that Ryoga said that,
Ukyo's heart might have actually skipped a beat, and she would have
stopped for a breather. As it was, her heart just b-bumped a bit. "What
are you saying?"
"C-can't we... just take it slow? Give each other time to think?
We can't afford to have Ranma and Akane together, right? After all, this
time."
"Ryoga," Ukyo said slowly, "if it's a toss-up between someone my
heart tells me is already lost, and someone it tells me I'm in danger of
losing... Ryoga... I think you know who I'd choose."
Silence.
"UKYO!" Ryoga screamed. "GET YOUR HAND OUTTA MY PANTS!!"
"WHAT!?" Ukyo shouted.
"WHAT!?" Ranma shouted, falling off of the lamppost.
"It's so nice of you to bring something for dinner," Kasumi was
saying cheerily, cradling the containers in the crooks of her arms.
Mousse was sure, in the back of his mind, that this was not the
reason why he brought potentially dangerous, mind-altering, body-
confusing, highly classified condiments. He wanted to spit in the face
of his tormentors, payback for years of dignity and freedom lost. Blind
rage, he reasoned, was all he had.
If it took him that much closer to happiness, he was more than
willing to agree. "Just something to liven up your meals with, K-
Kasumi."
"Anytime now, Tendo. You can give the go signal anytime, now."
Hikaru Gosunkugi closed the door to his room, and locked it. He
knew he should have at least closed the curtains on the window, as
witchcraft often required the caster to be naked (or, at most, wearing
just a robe). Lighting a candle, he took out the pentagram/futon from
his set-in cabinet, and pulled out several tomes.
"I just hope that it doesn't require any demonic... interaction."
The window creaked open.
"Huh?"
A diminutive ninja opened the window fully, then crouched below the
sill. In seconds, a larger, more bulky figure made his way through,
making sure to step on the ninja.
"Greetings, magician." Kuno flicked his hair in a manner made to
impress women, thus merely made Gosunkugi "piku-piku" some. "I, Tatewaki
Kuno, noble and righteous heir to the Kuno line, rising star of the high
school fencing world, known in circles as the Blue Thunder of Furinkan
High, have arrived... to ask for a favor."
"Huh?"
"Kasumi..." Soun wailed.
"Oh, dad..." Akane trailed weakly.
"Oh, brother..." Nabiki trailed weakly. "Hi, sis."
"My, I'm sorry to keep you waiting. You all must be terribly
hungry." She took a step forward, hand on the door to the kitchen.
"NO!" the three other Tendos shouted, surprising Mousse, who was
just to her side.
Kasumi opened the door.
The black smoke that had been piling up in the room found its way
out, clearing a view of the carnage that lay within. Pots, pans, plates,
the oven, a few chickens, a layer of eggshells, tomatoes, pickles, salad
oil, vinegar, mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, vegemite, and a large amount
of eggyolk could possibly make a larger mess than it did in that room,
but it made up for it with some impressive spots of destructive genius.
Kasumi covered her face with a kerchief, and turned to her family.
"Please wait thirty minutes," she gamely said, returning Mousse's
bottles to him, and closed the door.
Fifteen, Going on Sixteen
[This chapter comes after the fourteenth chapter, "Fourteen Snakes
and Ladders" and before chapter sixteen, "4X4 FWD/RWD" in days two and
three of the Herbs and Spices story-arc of Switch. For convenience, it
is written in chronological sequence. Incidentally, it comes before the
side story "Three White Lies", but the contiguity between these two
segments is somewhat dubious. It is suggested to avoid this paragraph,
as it has nothing to do with the rest of the chapter, as marked by the
square brackets used to start and end it.]
In the next installment of Switch!
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(Detach here)
Notice the absence of the * FIRST FIC * blurb at the head of the
post. Isn't it nice? After all, I've just passed the eighteen-month-
mark in the production of this fic, and it was just confusing people.
And, so, it is gone. Makes it more mature? Hell, no.
Please somehow send C&C.
(Detach here)
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Nikholas F. Toledo Zu @ http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/3145/mezza9.html
Vector, Switch, Yebah, Rain Man, goo, Pervert, Scruples, Hollie, NomaD,
Blitz, Gee, Datzo, Jewel, Elf, Radler, Pinball, Mayhem, Chaos, Father, Attar
Fanfiction @ http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/3145/fanfics.html
Warp Zone @ http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/3145/thirteen.html
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The logo of the Church of All Worlds is nine concentric circles.
Word from the Laity: Wipe yer feet! Bloody 'ell...
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Gallery/3145/index.html
Currently under construction... confessional at the links.
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