Because I was bored:

Voice: And so were we...

[Lurker and Hikaru appear in a burst of lavender flame.]

Hikaru: <blinks> New FX?

Lurker: <grin>

	*THWACK*
	Luna felt a vicious kick into her ribs. Howling in pain and
confusion, she tumbled end over end until she hit the chain link
fence.

Lurker: And Luna is disqualified from the Feline Downhi--URK!

Hikaru: <withdrawing her fist from Lurker's gut> Don't be tasteless.

	"Oh, no! I think I killed it!"

Hikaru: Oh my God! They killed Luna!

Lurker: You bastards!

	As she was groggily trying to stand, she felt a pair of
masculine hands close around her ribs.

Lurker: Unfortunately, the hands belonged to Artemis in his human
form, who promptly got clawed for being a pervert...

Hikaru: <giggle>

	*This is it,* she thought. *All my searching for naught... Now
the enemy will prevail.*

Lurker: Evil will triumph over good because good is stupid!

Hikaru: <groan>

	Slowly, Luna allowed her eyes to open. Holding her, with a
rather concerned look on his face was a young man with the most
piercing blue eyes she had ever seen. She just couldn't seem to

tear

her eyes away....

Hikaru: (Luna voice) Kawaii...

	Luna jerked, and pulled out of the young man's grasp. She had
felt it. *IT*! But it couldn't be! It was impossible. All the...
	"Damn my memory."

[a pack of beavers appear in Luna's brain and begin damming her
memory]

	...Sailors? ...Senshi? Whatever they were, they were all
female.

Lurker: Strippers?

Hikaru: LURKER NO HENTAI! <crush>

Lurker: x_@

	*Elsewhere*, A tall, blonde woman bowed before her queen. She
wore a tight grey military uniform and a band of green stone around
her long ponytail.

Lurker: Not King?

Hikaru: Maybe the Queen is King...

[Lurker and Hikaru share a look]

Both: ...maybe not.

	As she rose from her bow, her green eyes flashed dangerously.

Lurker: ...and were promptly bashed by her teeth for being perverted.

Hikaru: <rolls her eyes> 

	"We have youma in Beijing, Sydney, and Seoul,  but I am
concentrating the bulk of my forces in Tokyo in order to deal with
'Soldier V'.

Lurker: Who, unfortunately, is in London, so you're half a globe
off...

	Jadeite's eyes became, if anything, even more dangerous. They
flashed angrily, but the woman showed no outward appearance of her
rage.

Lurker: Someone's going to call the cops if those eyes keep flashing.

	Umeka was pretty enough, but she was a nerd. She was an 'A'
class dork, and her voice grated on Usuke's nerves while the glint
from her thick glasses gave him migraines.

Lurker: And she eats paste!

Hikaru: Eew!

	Besides her constant inane chatter about this or that computer
project, She seemed to regard Usuke as *her* property, no matter

how

many times he told her he wasn't interested. Worse, while he was by
no means an outcast, there were several boys in his class who were
much stronger and much more popular. With his reputation for being

a

pushover *and* Umeka on his case, none of the other girls would

even

*consider* looking at him twice.

Lurker: Most of them look at him once and fall over laughing.

	Then, on his way home, he accidentally bumped into that stuffy
bitch, Masami Chiba. She had called him a clutz and and air-brain.
She was drop-dead gorgeous, but Lord, could that woman be a pain in
the ass.

Lurker: [opens his mouth, only to find Mokona stuffed halfway in it]

Mokona: [muffled] Phww?

Hikaru: [crosses her arms] Don't even *think* it.

	"OUT! OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU FREELOADER! YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO
GET INTO A GOOD UNIVERSITY, AND I AND YOUR POOR FATHER WILL BE
SUPPORTING YOU WELL INTO OUR RETIREMENTS!"

Hikaru: WHAT retirement? She's a housewife!

Lurker: Housewives have retirement.

Hikaru: Oh? When's that?

Lurker: When they tell their husband and kids, "Get it yo damn self."

	Ikuko clenched her eyes shut and pointed towards Usuke's room.
"Get out of my sight. I want you to study, and if I hear of you
reading manga while you're supposed to be studying, I'll burn every
last one in the house.

Lurker: THAT explains it...

Hikaru: Nani?

Lurker: The burning logo for Manga Video.

Hikaru: <blink> Oh!

	Luna grimace and extended her claws.
	"WAKE UP, AIR-BRAIN!!!!"
	"WHA!! I'm up, already!"

Lurker: <snicker>

Hikaru: Hmm...that seems to work pretty well...<grins evilly>

Lurker: <sweatdrop>

	Usuke looked around in confusion. "What?"
	"It's about time. You sleep like a corpse."

Lurker: [Elvis impression] Uuuh-huh.

Hikaru: Don't be cruel.

	"Hmmm..." His eyes, still wandering around the room, finally
came to rest on the black cat. "Oh. You. Followed me home. We'll
you'll have to go. Mom won't let me keep strays."

Lurker: We'll or you'll? Make up your mind!

	"I am most certainly *not* a stray!"

Hikaru: [Luna voice] Look in my fur! These are *high*-bred fleas,
thank you!

Lurker: <snicker>

	"W-w-who are you?" the frightened young man stammered.

Hikaru: [Luna voice] I'm Catwoman.

	"I am Luna, from the Moon Kingdom. I wasn't sure before, but
now that I can see you, I believe you are Sailor Moon, a warrior

for

truth and justice."

Lurker: This provokes a very disturbing mental image...

Hikaru: <glancing at the Web> Um, that's not a mental image,
Lurker-kun. <points>

Lurker: Uck.

	Usuke's expression narrowed. "This is a joke, right?
Ventriloquism?"

Lurker: Yeah, and you're the dummy.

	"I'm not joking, Usuke. You know I'm right. Here..." The cat
leapt, up and back. She turned a flip in mid air, and came down
neatly. Before her, a jeweled, pink locket fell to the bed.
	"Take this. It's the Moon Lock.... err...."
	Usuke raised the rather feminine piece of jewelry and stared
at it.
	"Ummm... Moon *Medallion*..." This isn't right....

Lurker: Gee, y'think?

	"No! I mean... she doesn't have your aura. It has to be you,
Usuke. You have to stand against our enemies and find and protect
the Moon Princess."
	Usuke's head whipped around. "Moon Princess?"

Lurker: Aha!

	"Yes." Luna raised her eyebrows speculatively, "She's very
beautiful. I'm certain that she would be very appreciative to the
leader of her personal guard."
	"Appreciative? Hmmm..." Usuke started eyeing the locket
speculatively. An image of a beautiful woman in a fantastic gown
approaching him with a seductive expression assailed his mind.

Lurker: ...right before that locket assailed his moon...

Hikaru: <groan>

	"Raise the medallion above your head and shout..."
	Usuke lifted the medallion.
	"Shout, 'Moon Power...'"
	The words came unbidden down through ten thousand years to
Usuke's lips. "MOON POWER, MAKE UP!"

Lurker: Why do I have a sudden sinking feeling?

Hikaru: You're sitting in the busted waterchair again.

	"What the hell?!?!"
	"Urr... this wasn't supposed to happen..."
	"LUNA?!?! I'M IN A SAILOR FUKU?!?!"

Lurker, Hikaru: <facefault>

	The cat trembled in confusion. "I... this... You have to
believe me, this wasn't supposed to happen!"
	"I'M WEARING A SAILOR FUKU! AND THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO
HAPPEN?!?!"

Lurker: That's what the cat said...

	Luna shook her head in disbelief. Usuke reached out and
grabbed the cat by the neck.
	"Luna, I'm gonna--"

Hikaru: Someone, somewhere is about to get a brand new set of violin
strings...

	Just then, the red jewels in his hair began to glow.
	"*Help!* *Help, me* *Somebody let me out of here!*"

Lurker: Somebody let me out of here! I'm trapped in this kid's hair,
and it looks like the Exxon Valdez all over again!

	"We don't have time for this, Sailor Moon. Just hold up the
locket and repeat after me..."
	With a cynical grimace, Usuke raised the locket.
	"Moon Transformation Scream!"

Lurker: <scream>

Hikaru: <scream>

	The Youma smiled wickedly as it throttled the young man. The
energy of the betrayal was so sweet! All the youth could see was

his

own mother strangling him.

Lurker: The nightmare of all babies living in trailer houses in small
Texas towns.

	The youma's head turned one hundred and eighty degrees to face
the intruder. "Ohhh? And who's going to make me?"

Lurker: The Exorcist!

[Lurker finds himself suddenly covered from head to toe in pea soup]

	The figure stepped out of the shadows. He was wearing loose,
flaring pants in a dark blue shade, and short, red boots. While his
white top was skin tight, his shoulders and arms were covered in
metallic red armor. His pants and banded collar gave him the
appearance of a naval officer.

Lurker: [Sailor Moon-kun voice] I'm here to inspect your navel!

Hikaru: <groan>

	Ignoring the speech that was filling his head, Usuke shouted,
"I'm Sailor Moon, and I'm here to kick *your* ass!"

Lurker: YES!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!

Hikaru: <giggles>

	He dove off counter he was perched on into the monster's face.
	Dropping Norio, she jerked her arm backward to defend herself.
	Usuke hit the wall with a thud. He slid down it into a pile of
moaning flesh.

Lurker: ...promptly fainting as he suffered a severe nosebleed at the
sight of the orgy he'd landed in the middle of...

	"Urrr... I thought I was supposed to have super powers, Luna!"
	"You are... you're supposed to have a tiara, and you should be
able to ... I DON'T KNOW! THIS IS ALL WRONG! I DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

Hikaru: [Luna voice] MY BRAIN! IT'S HEMMORAGING!

	About forty middle aged women wearing glowing jewelry were
converging on him.
	"Oh, Lord..."

Lurker: This is reversal Sailormoon, not reversal Aa! Megami-sama!

	Just then, a flash of red shot down toward the floor.	A rose
embedded stem first in the tile floor just in front of the

possessed

mob.
	"What the--"
	Standing in the window was the most incredible thing Usuke had
ever seen.
	5'9"
	*Long* legs covered in nothing but net hose
	A *tight* blouse just under a tuxedo jacket,
	And a Top Hat...

Hikaru: Anou...no panties? Then those hose must be giving a very
interesting show...

Lurker: <drools>

Hikaru: For that matter, what about high heels? She's got those too,
right?

	"I'm in love, Luna..."
	"We don't have time for this, Sailor Moon!"
	"I don't think she's wearing a bra, Luna..."

Lurker: <drools>

Hikaru: <whaps Lurker repeatedly>

	"It's up to you to--AAAHHH!" *thump*
	Too late, Usuke realized that the masked tuxedo girl had lost
her balance and fallen to the floor.

Lurker: <winces>

Hikaru: Poor Tux-chan...

	The mob of dead-eyed, jewelry wearing women started to
converge on the girl.

Lurker: This is not pretty.

Hikaru: No kidding.

Lurker: Body envy...

Hikaru: <sweatdrop>

	Usuke had been about to jump into the fray to try to help the
girl, but at Luna's prompting, he realized the monster was staring
with incredulity at where she had been standing.
	"How do I attack her?" he whispered.
	Luna shook her head. "I don't know. You're supposed to have a
tiara."

Lurker: You know, Luna's said that an awful lot...

Hikaru: What, I don't know?

[A stream of green slime rains down on Hikaru]

Lurker: <snicker>

Hikaru: <glare>

	"No tiara, Luna. I guess I'll just have to make do." Usuke
grabbed a tall back chair and ran at the monster. While her back

was

turned, Usuke slammed the chair into her head, knocking her to the
floor.

Lurker: Whoa, just like WWF!

	"That's what you get for beating up on innocents, you trash!"
Usuke was about to run to help the masked girl, when he saw the
monster rise.

Lurker: Oh no, it's a yeast beast!

	"Sailor Moon! I believe in you! You can--- *urk*" The tuxedo
girl went down for a second time as she tripped over one of the
possessed women.

Hikaru: Is it just me, or is she *extremely* clutzy?

Lurker: I dunno, but I do know one thing...

Hikaru: What?

Lurker: Seeing those legs flailing around every time she goes down is
sooooooomethin' else.

Hikaru: <bashes Lurker into the ground>

	Usuke reached out to catch the proffered fire extinguisher. It
was one of the large, forty pound models, causing him to stagger
under the weight. He pulled the pin and hosed the monster.

Lurker: <snorts> I knew he was a hoser...

	"Throw it at him!" Tuxedo Kamen suggested, just before she
disappeared a third time under the pile of the jewelry squad.

Hikaru: Impressive feat...picking up a name without giving one...

Lurker: Could be worse. Could be Kekko Kamen. <thinks> Actually,
that'd be even better...

Hikaru: LURKER NO HENTAI!!! <Lurker goes down again>

	Usuke hefted the empty tank at the monster, who rather
casually batted it away. It knocked a hole in the wall, leaving a
broken, hissing section of copper pipe sticking out.

Lurker: O_o

Hikaru: Uh-oh.

	Luna had been wracking her brain all evening. Nothing was
going right. Sailor Moon wasn't a woman, there was no 'Moon Tiara'
attack, and for the life of her...
	"Wait, Sailor Moon, shout 'Moon Princess Vengeance Strike'!
	Unhurt, but with her clothes battered and torn, the youma
advanced on Sailor Moon.
	Usuke clasped his hands together and raised them at the Youma.
	"MOON!"
	As she took *another* vericose veined knee to the gut, Tuxedo
Kamen sniffed the air.

Hikaru: [T-Kamen voice] Eeeew! Someone needs a Depends!

	"PRINCESS!"
	Luna's sensitive nose told her something was wrong. She
glanced over at the broken pipe. Gas Pipe!
	"VENGEANCE!"
	"Sailor Moon, NO!"
	"STRIKE!!!!"

[Lurker and Hikaru dive for cover behind their seats]

	In her bedroom, Ikuko Tsukino at up in bed. She thought she
heard her son's voice.
	*THHOOOMMM*
	She jerked as the windows rattled.

Lurker: Give it up for THX, ladies and gentlemen!

	"Norio!" Usuke carefully considered what he wanted to say to
the singed looking youth. "I heard there was a fire..."

Lurker: I'm sure half of Tokyo heard there was a fire...

	"Hey, did you two seen Masami this morning? It looks like she
was mauled by the entire wrestling team! She's covered in bruised
and it looks like some one set her hair on fire."

Hikaru: <snicker>

Lurker: Poor T-Kamen-chan! 

	In Usuke's bedroom, Luna sat, staring at the Moon Locket,
trying to figure out just exactly what had gone wrong.

Lurker: That's life for ya.

Whew... what the hell was I thinking?!?!

Lurker: It's not what you were *thinking*, it's what you were
*smoking*.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Over 1 billion swerved."
-Traffic Accident Statistics Bureau.
---
The Eternal Lost Lurker
EternalLostLurker@worldnet.att.net
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Garden/9502

Damn it man, we can't write everything.
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