At 11:05  11/02/98 +0800, you wrote:

' P-please d-d-don't hurt me .....' the woman pleaded as she backed up to
the brick wall.

can you change to to not have a space after the first talking mark
all the time?

'Yeah, yeah, fun,fun,hehehe.' the other said as he moved in from the right.

' Yeah, baby. All we want is to have some fun.' the one on the right said.

they are both on the right? i assume you are talking bout two diff
people but it reads like one persions getting two lines in.

hair be seen. They could see the white gloved hand that knocked their leader 
back, knife flying backwards and what seemed to be a lavender tuxedo 
underneath the cloak. The mask seemed to look down at the man at his feet 
and sighed.

the last two sentences seem funny having two "seemed"s in them so close
together. maybe change the last one?

' Nose cartilage to the brain. Really unpleasant way to die. And I wanted
to play with him too.' The mask looked at them smiling it's red smile, the 
white gloved hand returning into the folds of his lavender cloak. 

aaah. the nose cartilage to the brain thing is an urban myth.
every few months a newbie always posts that questions to rec.martial-arts
and gets jumped on :) since a broken nose produces a lot of blood you
could change it to drowing in his own blood? hmm i spose most ppl believe
the cartilage thing so its no harm.. (sorry... i'm a bit of a stickler:)

The left-hand man growled and charged. He passed through the cloak like

does this mean the other man doesnt have a left-hand? :)
try "The man on the left" or "The man to the left" or something.

a bull through a bull fighter's cloak. The sound of a spinal bones being 

the two word thing again... bull throught a bull, try matador or torreador
instead of 'bull fighters'.  and also 'spinal bones' sounds.. weird.
vertibrae sounds better.

craked into a few several pieces could be heard as the man felt something

'a few several' == 'several'

                

' Bloody hell ! ' he swore as he made a wide brimmed hat appear in his

gloved right hand.

so this guy is australian? :) nifty.


mmm sorry if the c&c is a bit dodgy, i so rarely do it, the way
i write influences how i read other peoples work, and with my writing
being crap my c&c is usually the same...



-df
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