Here is a repost of something I wrote a long time ago. I'm sending it
through here before I throw it to RAAC. Once again, criticisms are
welcome, compliments too.
--begin--
[We fade in to the exterior of Furinkan High School. It is
morning and we see various students, in their respective
uniforms, flocking to their school. As we cut away from the
school, to the Tendo residence, we see Akane and Ranma
zooming out the front gate.]
Akane [running]: Oh man, we're late, thanks to you, Ranma!
Ranma [running]: Is it always my fault?
Akane: Actually, it was Nabiki's fault, but I feel like blaming you!
Ranma: Thanks a lot.
Akane: What did you say?!
Ranma: I said thanks a lot, it's called sarcasm, look into it.
Akane: Oh, I thought you insulted me by saying I was a tomboy, dumb
as a brick, my thighs are too thick, I talk like a hick, or one of
those!
Ranma: Well, you described yourself well.
Akane: What?!
[Suddenly, Ranma gets splashed with a cool liquid. As if it was
in slow mo, Ranma's male body transforms into an hourglass
shaped figure. Ranma stops and looks down at her form. She
rolls her eyes mouthing, "I can't believe this."]
BILE STUDIO'S
Artificial Pond Canines
by Jang Choe
[Ranma looks around to figure out who did that deed of the quick
sex change, and sees that old woman, that we never know the name
of, that always throws water onto the streets. For sake of our
life being easier, we'll name her KYOKO. Kyoko innocently walks
back into her house.]
Ranma: Okay, that's it, I'm going to teach her to watch where she
throws her water!
Akane: Forget about her Ranma, she's only an old woman.
Ranma: So? Does being old give you some special right to get me
wet? [to Kyoko] Hey you!
Kyoko: Hmmmm?
Ranma: I'll say this nicely, watch where you throw your water okay?
I get wet almost every time I passed by here.
Kyoko: You telling me what to do?
Ranma: No, I'm just telling you to watch where you splash the water!
Kyoko: And who are you to tell me where to splash my water?
Ranma: I am Saotome Ranma of the Saotome School of Indiscriminate
Grappling!
Kyoko: Oh. [goes in to her house]
Ranma: Hey, so you're gonna not splash me any more right?
[No answer.]
Ranma[cont.]: Hmph.
Akane: Come on Ranma, we're more late than ever.
[We cut to the busy streets of Tokyo. We focus on a pachinko
parlor at some shady street corner. We see Kyoko coming out of a
Mazda 929 and walk into the parlor. We cut inside the pachinko
parlor and see many mindless pachinko playing zombie like
people. Kyoko walks to the back and knocks on a door. A figure
opens the door, looks at Kyoko, and lets her in. We follow her
into a nicely decorated room with Euro paintings, vases,
leather couches, and a Persian rug at the center. We see her
asking a guy in the room for something, and the guy points to a
chair. She sits down and waits.
We hear a toilet flush and see a man walking out of a bathroom.
The man is around his mid forties, heavily built, and looks
mean. The man's dyed black hair is slicked back and he wears
heavy framed glasses. The man also sports some snazzy three
piece suit and is named AKIRA.]
Akira [noticing Kyoko]: Ah mother, what are you doing here?
Kyoko: I came for a job for our boys to do.
Akira: Sure thing, anything for you, mother.
Kyoko: There is this kid named . . . .
[We cut to the Tendo Dojo. Soun is sitting outside reading a
newspaper. Suddenly, a buncha Mercedes Benzs drive up in the
front and couple of men in suits and sunglasses get out. They
open the gate to the Tendo Dojo and strut in.]
Soun: Yes?
[All the men take out their .375 automatics and cock them at
Soun's head.]
Man1: Where's Ranma?
Soun: At school.
Man2: What school?
Soun: Furinkan High.
Kasumi [enters]: Oh, we have guest, I guess I'll make some tea.
[leaves]
Man3: What kind of tea?
Soun: Uhhh, Oolong.
[Soun suddenly kicks a guy in the stomach and punches the other
guys, but one guy hits Soun on the head, and they all cock their
guns at his head again.]
Man4: For you and your daughter's benefit, I suggest you don't do
that anymore, capish?
Soun: Okay.
Man5: Now, lets get some tea.
[We cut to the table and see them drinking tea.]
Man2: Hey, not bad tea.
Kasumi [smile]: Thank you.
Man3 [sees Kasumi make a glance at him]: What are you looking at?
Are you looking at me?! Are you looking at me?! Do I amuse you?!
Kasumi: Yes you do, you have a funny looking nose.
Man3[cries]: And after four nose jobs too!
Kasumi: Awww, don't cry.
Man4: Okay, enough of this bull shit, we're gonna take your daughter
with us, tell Ranma to come by the Lucky Stars Pachinko Parlor in
Tokyo.
Soun: No, take me instead, not my daughter!
Kasumi: Oh daddy, I'll be fine. You stay here and tell Ranma.
Soun: No, don't take my daughter! Please!
Man5: Here's a thought, I kill you so you'll shut up. Then, we'll
take your daughter anyway. We can always write a spiffy ransom note.
Soun: Uhh . . . .
Man6 [grabs Kasumi]: Okay Remember, Lucky Stars Pachinko Parlor. Or
else you'll never see this beauty again.
Kasumi: Well, I try, to be beautiful.
[The men leave with Kasumi waving good bye to Soun. Soun waves
back with tears flowing out of his eyes. Genma walks up to
Soun, picks up the kettle, pours himself some tea, and walks
out.]
Soun [crying]: Who's gonna cook now?! Waahhh!
[Later Ranma, Akane, and Nabiki comes back from school. And we
see Soun still crying.]
Nabiki: Oh dear, father is crying again.
Akane: What happened dad?
Soun: They took Kasumi!
Akane: Who took her?
Soun: A buncha men, in suits, and guns! [grabs Ranma] Ranma! You got
to go save her!
Ranma: Why me? She's not engaged to me or nothin'.
Soun: Because they wanted you to!
Ranma: They did? Oh fine, what the hell. You know where they are?
Soun: Uhhh, forgot.
Genma [walking through]: Lucky Stars Pachinko Parlor.
Akane: Pachinko? That means they must be the Yakuza!
Nabiki: Yakuza? Oooh, I heard they are rich!
Akane: Nabiki, they get money by illegal means.
Nabiki: Hey, gotta make a living somehow. Hey Ranma, take me!
Akane: And me, I gotta save my sister.
Ranma: Uh no. The Yakuza might be dangerous--
Nabiki: Gee, I thought they were a buncha choir boys.
Ranma: --So I'll go alone. I don't want any of you to get in the way.
Akane: Ranma! You can't handle them all!
Ranma: I probably can't with you slowing me down.
[And bla bla. I don't feel like writing down how Ranma comes
alone. So anyway, he walks into the parlor and looks around. A
man in dark sunglasses walks up to him.]
Man: You Hiroshi Tanaka?
Ranma: No.
Man: Kyoskue Takeda?
Ranma: Nope.
Man [checks his steno pad]: Uhhh Ng Yu Chin?
Ranma: Nope.
Man: You came here just to play?
Ranma: Nope.
Man: Hmmm, Ranma Saotome?
Ranma: Yep.
Man: Good, follow me.
[The man takes Ranma to the familiar back room we saw earlier.]
Man: Sir, Saotome Ranma.
Akira: Ah, so you're Ranma.
Ranma: Who are you and why did you kidnap Kasumi?
Akira: Perhaps, she can explain. Mother!
[Kyoko walks out of a room.]
Kyoko: Remember me?
Ranma: No, [to Akira] Who's this old hag?
Kyoko: You yelled at me this morning.
Ranma: I did?
Kyoko: You said I splashed you with water.
[Ranma thinks real hard.]
Ranma: Oh yeah! I remember now.
Akira: No one yells at my mother and gets away with it. I brought
you over here to teach you a lesson.
Ranma: Okay, how?
Akira: Ryu!
Ranma: Ryu?
[Suddenly, a cocky looking young man stands up and walks up to
Akira and bows.]
Akira: This is Ryu. Ryu, Ranma.
Ranma: Hey.
Akira: Ryu is one of our best fighters, so go kick his ass, Ryu.
Ryu [bowing]: Yes sir.
[Ryu gets in a fighting stance and does some kicks. At the last
kick, he does a high front kick and keeps his leg up, showing
great balance and control.]
Ryu[cont.]: Heh heh heh.
[Ryu slowly puts his foot down; Ranma and Ryu advance on each
other. They both furiously start punching each other. It looks
like they are dead even. They continue for a few minutes then
they separate. Ryu looks at Ranma cooly. After a few seconds,
he grimaces and rubs his arms and body.]
Ryu[cont.]: Ow ow ow! [runs away and bumps into Akira]
Akira: What are you doing?
Ryu: That guy's tougher than I thought, I don't wanna fight him,
he'll kill me!
Akira: Hey, if you don't fight him, you'll wish you'll be dead.
What's it gonna be Ryu?
Ryu: Uhhh . . . . [turns to Ranma] Saotome Ranma, prepare to die!
[Ryu runs and does a flying head butt. Ranma ducks and Ryu flies
into a wall. Ryu gets up, holding his head in pain, then Ranma
suddenly kicks him into the wall and repeatedly kicks Ryu in the
face. Ryu's knees buckle, and Ranma catches him by his collar,
tosses him up, and punches him across the room. Ryu does a 360
in the air, his back lands on the edge of the table, and he
falls forward, hitting his head on a chair. Ranma walks over
and sees that Ryu is knocked out.]
Ranma: Okay, that was easy. Where's Kasumi?
[Suddenly, Ranma sees a lot of barrels pointing at his head.]
Akira: That was fun. Well, we'll kill you now.
Kyoko: Wait! I got an idea.
Akira: Yes?
Kyoko: That young man is skilled.
Ranma: Heh, of course.
[Akira digs the barrel of his gun into Ranma's back.]
Akira: Did I say you can talk?
Kyoko: We might be able to use him for our purposes. What do you
have to say about that, boy?
Akira [to Ranma]: You can talk now.
Ranma: What makes you think I'll work for you?!
Kyoko: Remember that Kasumi girl?
Ranma: Oh yeah . . . . speaking of which, where the hell is she?!
Akira: She's cooking dinner for us. We didn't want her to, but she
insisted. Now, you gonna work for us or not? I have this job that I
think is right for you.
Ranma: You didn't answer my question, where is she?!
Akira: Where do you think people cook? In the garage? She's in the
kitchen at my house!
Ranma: I wanna see if she's safe!
Akira: Why you so concerned about her anyway? She your cousin?
Ranma: No.
Akira: Sister?
Ranma: No.
Akira: Aunt?
Ranma: No.
Akira: Half Sister?
Ranma: No.
Akira: Then what? You guys related in some way?
Ranma: No.
Akira: You're her girl friend?
Ranma: No.
Akira: Then why'd you come here then?
Ranma: Cuz she's my finacee's sister!
Akira: You have a fiancee?
Ranma: Yeah, but it's not my choice!
Akira: Do you love her?
Ranma: Man, if I got a yen every time I was asked that.
Akira: Hmmm . . . hey, Yoshiro! Come here!
Yoshiro: Yeah boss?
[Akira whispers something in Yoshiro's ears.]
Akira: Okay Ranma. Since you want to see Kasumi so bad, I'll take
you to her. But only if you agree to work for us.
Ranma: I'll only think about that when I see her.
Akira: Fine. Boys, escort him to our cars.
[Akira's men push Ranma forward with their guns.
We cut to Akira's house. It is actually a high class, high rise
apartment. Akira and his boys take Ranma to the penthouse suite
and takes him to the kitchen. The kitchen is pretty big, and we
see Kasumi humming a happy tune, while cooking away.]
Ranma: Kasumi!
Kasumi: Oh, hello Ranma. You came the dinner too?
Ranma: I came to rescue you!
Akira: Uhh Ranma, let me make this clear. I know that you're a big
shot martial artists, and you're pretty fast and stuff. But we have
about ehhh . . . a shitload of bullets that are much faster than you.
You may dodge maybe one or two of em, but I don't think you can
protect you, or your fiancee's . . . uhhh . . . her sister was it?
Ranma [grumble]: Yeah.
Akira: . . . From our hail of bullets. Course, we might hit some of
our servants, but they're expendable. Now, you saw Kasumi, so is it
a deal or not?
Ranma: Grrr . . . . I [tightens fist]
[Suddenly, Yoshiro walks into the apartment.]
Yoshiro: Hey boss, I got his fiancee!
Ranma: What?!
[Ranma turns and sees Yoshiro carrying a tied and gagged Nabiki
into Akira's house.]
Kasumi: Hello Nabiki, how's father?
Nabiki: Mmmph, mmmph.
Ranma: HAHAHAHAHHAH! She's not my fiancee!
Yoshiro: She's not? Maybe she is! [pushes in another tied and
gagged female figure. This time Akane]
Ranma: Hah hah errm. Grr, you'll never get away with this!
Akira: Please, this is not the movies. You're not Chow Yun Fat or
anything. Now, are you gonna do what we say?
Ranma: Uhhh . . . . [thought]I can probably bust out of here, easy .
. . .
Akira: Sigh . . . . Yoshiro, blow up the Tendo Dojo! Boys, take the
bitches to your rooms, and do what you want.
Ranma: Okay okay, I'll do it. Seesh.
[We cut to a board room somewhere. We see Ranma, Akira, and a
buncha men in the room. Ranma is sitting across the table from
Akira.]
Akira: Okay, all you have to do is deliver this sum of money [opens
a briefcase] and get our drugs, okay? Now, those Taiwan bastards are
pretty sneaky, so you better watch out. You know how to shoot a gun?
Ranma: Never tried.
Akira: Oh well, there's a first time for everything. This [holds up
an automatic] is a Ruger P90 .45 ACP. And this [holds up another gun]
is a Smith and Wesson .45 ACP. I'm giving you two because, well, you
might drop one. Heh. Oh, don't try anything funny, because . . .
[points to a fella] Hiroshi there will follow you.
[Akira points to an Asian fellow with sunglasses, hair parted in
the middle, and a black overcoat. The guy's name is HIROSHI as
Akira mentioned. Hiroshi waves his hand to them.]
Akira[cont.]: Also, if you don't come back in four days without the
drugs or you try something funny, we blow up the Tendo Dojo, we rape
and kill the girls, we kill everyone that you know, we chop off your
limbs, and throw you in the Ocean. Okay? Okay.
[Cut to Taiwan. It is a rural setting. Hiroshi and Ranma drive
up in a Lexus and get out. Ranma is carrying the suitcase and
Hiroshi lights a cigarette. As they stand there, a small Chinese
guy whose name is CHIN comes out of a small house.]
Chin: Hey! Over here!
[Ranma and Chin walks into the house. The house is nothing
fancy, a typical, lower class house. Sparse furniture and
stuff. Ranma stands there with the suitcase in his hands.
Hiroshi stands next to him, with his cig dangling out of his
lips.]
Chin: So, are you that guy from the Lucky Stars Yakuza syndicate?
Ranma: Ummm . . . yeah.
Chin: So, you have our money?
Ranma: Uhh yeah, right here [gives a signal to Hiroshi, and Hiroshi
tosses a big briefcase to Ranma, which he catches]
Chin: Open it.
[Ranma opens it. The suitcase if filled with American 100 dollar
bills, the new kind. Chin takes a stack and gives it to one of
his men. The man takes out a magnifying glass and looks over a
bill carefully. After a few minutes, he does it again at a
random bill. Then he gives the stack back to Chin and nods his
head. Chin nods back and snaps his fingers. Some other guy in
the house, gives Chin a fairly large sized traveling bag to
Chin. Chin opens the bag and shows the contents to Ranma and
Hiroshi. Hiroshi takes a random bag, sticks a knife through it,
and tastes the content. Hiroshi nods, and leave with Ranma.]
Ranma: Hey, that was easy.
Hiroshi: Of course, we've been dealing with them for years. Lets
go.
Ranma[thought]: Hmmmm, if I shoot Hiroshi right now . . . no, that
probably wouldn't work. I guess those Yakuza guys can keep their
words. I'll see.
[Ranma and Hiroshi walks back to Akira's house. They wait in the
massive living room, and Akira walks in wearing a bathrobe.]
Akira: So, how did it go?
Hiroshi: Good.
Ranma: Now release the girls!
Akira: Okay.
[Akira snaps his fingers and one of his men go into a room. A
few minutes later, we see Kasumi and that guy coming out of the
room.]
Kasumi: Hello, Ranma.
Ranma: Hey, where's Akane and Nabiki?
Akira: Oh, you want THEM to be freed also? Then you have to do two
more jobs for us then.
Ranma: What?!
Akira: Are you deaf or something? I said . . . .
Ranma: No, what do you mean that I have to do another job for you?!
Akira: It means that you do something for us in return for the safe
release of the girls. What's the matter, you don't understand
Japanese?
[Ranma pulls out his Ruger .45 and points it towards Akira's
head.]
Ranma: Let them go.
Akira: Ranma, my not so smart friend. You see Hiroshi behind you?
See, he's pointing a gun at you also. If you kill me, ol' Hiroshi
will kill you also. If he doesn't, oh well, my men can make you and
your friends' life a living hell.
[Ranma suddenly grabs Akira and hold him in front of him. Ranma
points the gun at Akira's temple while holding him in front of
him.]
Ranma [to Akira's men]: Get the girls now! Or I'll kill him!
[Hiroshi calmly shoots Ranma. It grazes Ranma on the head, and
he falls. Akira walks up to Ranma, looks down at him, and
smiles.]
Ranma[cont.]: Am I hit?
Akira: Yes, but you were spared. Now, we won't be playing Mr. Nice
guys anymore if you try to pull that stunt again. So, we have a deal,
or you gonna try to fight your way out of one my house, heavily
fortified with my men?
Ranma: Oh okay, fine! But first, let me see the girls!
Akira: I think you forgotten who is suppose to be in charge here.
[Ranma looks at him with a blank face.]
Akira [sigh]: We are, you idiot!
Ranma: Oh. Sigh, they better be safe. Okay, what do you want me to
do now?
[We cut to the back room of the Pachinko Parlor. Ranma, Akira
and his men are in the room. Akira is facing Ranma.]
Akira [holds up a photograph]: This is Yong An Kho. Kill him, and
make sure he has a slow death.
Ranma: What?!
Akira [rolls eyes]: Not this again.
Ranma: No, I never killed anyone in my life!
Akira: Oh well, there's a first time for everything. You still have
the guns I gave you?
Ranma: Look, I never killed anyone in my life.
Akira: Do I hear a broken record here? I don't care if you never
killed a fly in your life. Do what you do, and one of those two
girls can go free.
Ranma [angry]: So I just kill him right?
Akira: No, just torture him a bunch, then kill him. We're suppose
to have some major arms deal, and that bastard double crossed us and
killed twenty something of my men. So I want to get revenge.
[Ranma sighs.]
Akira[cont.]: My connections in Hong Kong reported him going to
Thailand- possibly Bangkok. You saw his picture, now find him and
kill him. Oh, Hiroshi is following you, to give you some pointers,
and to see you're not gonna do anything funny.
[We cut to Air Thai where Hiroshi and Ranma are sitting in First
class.]
Ranma: So . . . how long have you been in with the syndicate?
Hiroshi: Oh, not long. Ranma, I gotta tell you something. [whisper]
I'm a cop.
Ranma: You are! Undercover?
Hiroshi: Yup.
Ranma: That's great, you gotta help me out here!
Hiroshi: Wait, listen to me Ranma. You gotta do what I say.
Ranma: All right.
Hiroshi: I was just kidding. HAHAHAHAH!
[The people in the airplane look at his direction wondering why
he's laughing.]
Ranma: What?! Grr . . . . [thought] After I get through with my
jobs, I'm gonna kick his ass someday.
Hiroshi: So, you're first time huh?
Ranma: First time what?!
Hiroshi: Killing someone.
Ranma: Oh. Yeah.
Hiroshi: It's pretty hard to kill someone for the first time. But it
gets easier every time, till it just becomes insignificant. But
killing is the easy part, disposing the body is hard. Then again, we
just leave the body there because the police can't do anything to us.
They put us in jail, we have fifteen other guys telling the jury
that we were out somewhere else other than the crime scene. But long
time ago, we had to dispose the body, our syndicate wasn't that big
and powerful back then. Anyway, you can't burn the body, well, you
can't with some bucket of gasoline. You know why? Because the human
body is made up mostly with water. You can burn away the flesh and
stuff, but you can't make it into ashes. You can put it through the
wood chipper, put where you gonna do that in this big city? The best
way is the take the body into the bathtub. Then you strip yourself
naked, so that the blood won't get on your clothes. You have to do it
in the bathtub, that's where it's most convenient to clean up the
brains and shit. So you saw up the body parts into many pieces you
can. This process takes forever though, but hey, if you don't wanna
get caught, you have to saw away for how many hours it takes. The
smells reeks too, but hey, anything to not to get caught. So after
you saw them up, you just stuff the individual pieces in some garbage
bag, and you wait till the garbage man comes and picks it up. The
stupid garbage people don't check your garbage anyway, but to make
sure, we put some other trash in with it. You know, paper, peach
pits, apple cores, egg shells, ect.
Ranma: Why am I hearing this?
Hiroshi: I remember the first time I had to kill someone. I had to
dispose the body too. Man, that first time was a hard one. I was
shivering like a chihuahua in Siberia. The guy I had to kill was on
the floor, scared. But hey, I was more scared than he was. I was
pointing the gun straight at him, and my hands were shaking like
hell. At a nervous twitch, I shot him. It only hit him in the leg
though. So he screamed, that made me lose it and I just shot. No
aiming, and just shot. I used up all my rounds on that one guy, man I
was sooo unprofessional back then. Then, after seeing what I had
done, I took a deep breath and stopped shivering. I mean, just like
that, I wasn't scared anymore. I didn't even feel guilty.
Ranma: What he do, betray your syndicate?
Hiroshi: Nope, he was my brother. The boss wanted me to kill him to
prove my loyalty.
[We cut to the airport of Bangkok, Thailand. Lotsa people, ect
ect.]
Ranma: So, how we gonna find him in this big city?
Hiroshi: I know this guy, a real bastard though, his name is Jeffrey
Odella.
Ranma: Odella?
Hiroshi: Yeah, he's a gaijin. But somehow, he knows where every
mother fucker is.
Ranma: Where can we find him?
Hiroshi: I think I know . . . .
[A cab drives up into a bad part of the town. Hiroshi makes
Ranma pay and they get out of the car. We see tough looking
Thai's giving them the eye. Hiroshi ignores them and leads
Ranma to a run down building. Hiroshi crashes the door open and
calmly walks in.
Inside, there are plenty loud music and lots of half naked women
and some men dancing, making out, ect. Hiroshi grabs one of the
half naked woman and pull her to him.]
Hiroshi[cont.]: Bitch, where's your pimp?
Bitch: Uhh, in that room. [points to a room]
Hiroshi [lets her go and faces Ranma]: Come on.
[Hiroshi walks into the room and sees a slimy looking Hispanic
surrounded by half naked women. There is one dancing on the
table he's sitting behind. The slimy, Hispanic guy is JEFFERY
ODELLA, and he doesn't notice Ranma and Hiroshi crashing in.]
Hiroshi [walking in]: Hey hey hey ya stupid mother fucker.
Jeff [in a thick Latin accent speaking in Thai] Oye, quien es este
piece ah' shit?
Hiroshi: It's me, Hiroshi.
Jeff: An' ahm supposed tuh know dat?
Hiroshi: It doesn't matter if you or your bitch whores are suppose
to know me, I need some information.
Jeff: Shit man, fuerda de aca ya piece ah shit beefor ah blow yer
fuckin' head off . . . .
Hiroshi [lights a cigarette]: I need to know where Yong An Kho is.
Jeff: Porque you wanna know adonde ese come mierda is?
Hiroshi: Is there a reason for everything? Tell me where's he's
hiding.
Jeff: Horale, I only giv' out my information to a certain price.
You bring me a coupa thousand pesos o una puta bonita.
Hiroshi: No.
Jeff: Then git yo ugly motha fuckin' face fuera mi casa!
[Hiroshi walks up to Jeff and sticks his .45 in his face.]
Jeff[laughing]: Que es esto? [his girls laugh with him]
Hiroshi: A gun.
Jeff: Hoye, yah think yah scare mi? Me matas e you no tiene
information, cabron.
Hiroshi: I know. But you looked stupid enough to talk with a .45
aiming at your fucking eye. [puts the gun away and takes out a
balisong knife] I'll just have to cut off your fingers till ya talk.
Then your toes, and whatever else that protrudes out of your greasy
body. [points his knife towards Jeff's groin]
Jeff: Shit man, tu estas loco.
[Hiroshi takes out his gun again and shoots one of the girls.
The girls scream and start to panic.]
Hiroshi: YOU WHORES BETTER SHUT THE FUCK UP IF YOU DON'T WANT TO END
UP LIKE THAT BITCH!
[They shut their trap and Hiroshi turns his face to Ranma.]
Hiroshi[to Ranma]: Watch and learn Ranma, you have to do this pretty
soon you know. [smiles and faces Jeff again, who just shit in his
pants] Okay, I'll start with the pinky.
Jeff: Oye oye, I'll talk! I hear he's gonna meet some otha
bad ass hombre in a coffee shop.
Hiroshi: Which tea shop?
Jeff: Yo no se!
[Hiroshi chops off Jeff's pinky. Jeff screams, so do the women.]
Hiroshi: Which one?
Jeff [shaking]: Uhh, the . . . co�o . . . .
[Hiroshi chops off the other pinky. Jeff screams louder.]
Hiroshi: You better talk faster than that. Which one?
Jeff [tears rolling down his eyes]: El . . .el . . . Happy
Parrot's Tea Shop!
[Hiroshi smiles and pat- pats Jeff on the cheek. The girls are
quivering on the floor, crying. Ranma is looking in part shock
and disgust.]
Hiroshi [to Jeff]: Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
[Hiroshi puts his gun in Jeff's mouth and pulls the trigger. The
back of Jeff's head blows clean off and the brains splatter onto
the girls. They scream, Ranma looks away.]
Hiroshi [to the girls]: Now, if you ho's don't want to look like her
[points to the dead girl] or him [points to Jeff] or her [shoots
another girl] you better say exactly what I say when the cops get
here. "Jeff went crazy, killed two girls, and killed himself." Can
you stupid whores remember that? Good. Now, let me hear you say it
[points to a very frightened girl]
Girl: Uhhh . . . uhhh.
[Hiroshi shoots her. The girls jump and cry more.]
Hiroshi: I never remembered having any "uhh's." You, [points to
another one] lets hear it.
Girl [sniff]: Jeff went crazy, [sniff] and killed our friends,
[sniff] and then he killed himself.
Hiroshi: Perfect babe, and be sure to keep that sniffling too, it
adds the realism. [wipes his gun with a handkerchief and puts it in
Jeff's lifeless hands] Well, I'll see you gals later. Come on, Ranma,
time to go to the tea shop. [flicks his cigarette at the dead guy's
body]
[We cut to Hiroshi and Ranma in the cab. They are talking in
Japanese so the cabbie can't understand them.]
Ranma: don't you have a conscience?
Hiroshi: Yeah.
Ranma: How could you kill like that?
Hiroshi: Like I said, you kill enough, and it just becomes
insignificant.
Ranma: But don't you feel any guilt at all?
Hiroshi: Yeah, I do. Is that what you wannna hear? Look, you're
gonna get a chance to kill someone, and you'll find out exactly that
it's nothing, okay?!
[They are silent till they get to the Tea Shop. There's a buncha
businessmen having a good time, eating, drinking, stuff. Hiroshi
grabs a waiter and whispers something in his ear. The waiter
points to the second floor, Hiroshi looks up and gives Ranma the
cue to follow him upstairs. They go upstairs and see a buncha
men sitting down. In the middle table, two men sit. One is an
middle aged man with a scar down his face, and the other is a
slimy looking short guy. One of the guys sitting on the other
tables sees Hiroshi and Ranma coming up. So he gets up and walks
over to them.]
Man: Hey, you're not allowed here.
Hiroshi: Says who? Hmmm, okay hold on.
[Hiroshi takes Ranma away from them.]
Ranma: What's going on?
Hiroshi: I forgot to put the silencer on my gun, okay lets go back.
[They go back, and the same guy comes up to them again.]
Man: Didn't I tell you that you're not allowed here?
[Hiroshi shoots him a couple of times. The others notice, so
they get up.]
Young An: Sit down!
[They sit. Hiroshi casually walk towards Young and the scar guy.
Ranma follows.]
Scar Guy: What do you want?
Hiroshi: Not you, [points the gun to Young] It's you that we're
after.
[The Scar Guy gets up.]
Scar Guy: Well Young, sorry we couldn't do this deal, I see you have
some other business to attend to. Come on boys.
Young: Hey, wait a minute!
[The Scar guy and his boys leave, smiling at Young's
misfortune.]
Young [to Hiroshi and Ranma]: You think you're gonna take me away?
[to his men] Fellas!
[The rest of the men get up taking out their automatics and
machine guns. Hiroshi just calmly grabs Young and puts him
front of him with a gun stuck to his temple.]
Hiroshi: Now, I know you don't want to hurt your boss, sooo . . .
you punks better back away nice and slow.
[Hiroshi then digs into his pocket and fishes out a small
grenade. Hiroshi pulls the pin and throws it towards the men. It
explodes alarming the downstairs folks as well.]
Hiroshi: Gee, I didn't need my silencer. Oh well, Ranma catch!
[Hiroshi throws Young to Ranma, jumps and shoots the men, and
dodges the barrages of bullets that are flying towards him.
Hiroshi then dives behind a counter, as the bullets barely miss
him and shower onto the bottles and glasses that are set behind
the counter. Meanwhile, Ranma is pulling Young away from the
mayhem. Ranma drags him downstairs and finds out it's even
worse than upstairs. The confused, frightened customers and
employees are running amuck downstairs, trampling people.]
Young: Hey! Forget about him! Save me, you FOOLS!
[The men turn around and shoot at Ranma.]
Young[cont.]: Watch where you're shooting!
Men: Sorry boss!
[While the men are busy shooting at Ranma, who is avoiding it as
best as he can, Hiroshi slowly rises behind the counter and
shoots every one of them. They do not hear the gunshots because
of the silencer, till it is to late for them.
Hiroshi smiles and looks downstairs and see Ranma carrying
Young. Then he hears sirens so he jumps downstairs pulls Ranma,
carrying Young, through the kitchen to the back alley.
We cut to a different, more quiet scene. We see a tied and
gagged Young An sitting on a pew. We cut away further and see
that they are in a catholic church.]
Ranma: Didn't know there are churches in Thailand.
Hiroshi: Yeah, I was surprised too, I thought this was mostly a
Buddhist country, I guess I was wrong. [points to Young] Well, this
is it Ranma. I'm letting you do whatever you want with him, make
sure he has a slow death. I'll be here watching you to make sure you
won't do anything.
[Ranma gulps and walks up to Young. Ranma turns and we see
Hiroshi making the sign of the cross and about to pray.]
Ranma: Uhh, why are you praying?
Hiroshi: For forgiveness, continue with your business.
Ranma: Hmmmm . . . . [turns slowly to Young with an awkward smile on
his face, Ranma takes the gag off] Hi.
Young: Look, if you're gonna kill me, just kill me. If you want
something from me, just ask!
Ranma: Hmph. I'm not just gonna kill you. I have to kill you
slowly. Unfortunately I don't know how to do that.
Young: Well, for starters, you can start beating me to death.
Ranma: Oh boy, that's where I'm a Viking.
[Ranma raises his fist and punches Young on the face.]
Young: Ha, is that it? You punch like a girl!
Ranma: What?! [punches him again]
Young [nose bleeding]: Gee, that didn't hurt at all! Don't you know
how to punch?!
Ranma: What?! [punches him harder]
[Young's face crumples as he is hit. Tears flow out of his
eye.]
Young: Gee, no wonder you have me tied up, you probably can't beat
your way out of a wet paper sack like this.
[Ranma punches a couple of times, and Young bleeds from his
mouth and nose.]
Young[cont.]: Gee, you should go take martial arts or something.
Then at least you'll know how to punch.
Ranma: I am a martial artist!
Young: Well, a terrible one from the looks of it!
[Ranma punches him more a couple of times.]
Young: Geeze, just shoot me for His sakes! [looks to a stained glass
of Jesus]
[Ranma takes out his gun.]
Ranma [angry]: If you want it so bad . . . .
[Ranma points the gun towards Young, his arm is shaking, a shot
fires and we cut to Young's head being blown off in slow motion.
We see Ranma is sweating like a hog, but he isn't carrying the
gun, Hiroshi is, behind him.]
Ranma [to Hiroshi]: Why did you do that? I thought I was.
Hiroshi: Man, his whining was more painful. I thought he was suppose
to get the slow death. Come on, lets go back to Japan.
[They leave. And a few days pass.
We cut to JAL, first class, where Ranma and Hiroshi are
sitting. Ranma is playing Sega Saturn that is provided and
Hiroshi is drinking some wine.]
Hiroshi[cont.]: So, Dragon Ball Z Legends huh?
Ranma: Yeah, crappy game.
Hiroshi: Speaking of which, you think ChiChi would of liked if Goku
had his tail?
Ranma: What are you talking about?
Hiroshi: Have you seen DBZ?
Ranma: Yeah, [smirk] Every time I do a mokotakabisha, I try to be
like Goku.
Hiroshi: Moko what? Anyway, don't you think Chichi would of liked
it if Goku had his tail when they were married?
Ranma: I don't know, why?
Hiroshi: Oh come on, think about it, I'm sure Goku can do a lot for
Chichi in the bedroom if he had his tail. Same for Gohan and Videl,
you now they fuck off and on.
Ranma: I don't know what you're talking about.
Hiroshi: You know, while Goku is Kamehameing Chichi with his dick,
he can use his tail to fill her other hole.
Ranma: Man, you're sick. Chichi is not that kinda woman.
Hiroshi: How do you know? I bet Chichi is a sex maniac.
Ranma: Chichi is not a sex maniac.
Hiroshi: What? Of course she is. She's been banged so many times
before, only she could handle Goku's sperm. You know when he blows a
load, it'll blow through a normal woman. But this is Chichi, the slut
who's pussy been conditioned for that thing. Probably fucked a couple
of dinosaurs too . . . .
Ranma: What about Vegita and Bulma?
Hiroshi: Same fuckin' thing! Bulma's a slut too.
Ranma: Is everyone a slut?
Hiroshi: Well, not #18. She looks like one, but she isn't. Sure,
she and #17 probably got it on few times, but not a slut. But maybe
a slut to be.
Ranma: #17 is her brother.
Hiroshi: That's why I said slut to be. If she got it on with
Trunks, she maybe just an easy woman. But, since I think she
committed incest, she must be on her way to slutdome.
Ranma: So, everyone IS a slut in your opinion.
Hiroshi: No, #18 is a soon to be slut and Videl is a soon to be
slut, and . . . there isn't many females in Dragon Ball. So I guess
you're right, I think all of them are sluts or slut to be.
[We cut to the airport.]
Ranma: Sylia is a lesbian.
Hiroshi: No, she's a boomer.
Ranma: Lesbian!
Hiroshi: Boomer.
[We cut to Akira's house.]
Akira: Good job, I always wanted to off that mother fucker. Did he
have a slow death?
Ranma: Yeah. [thought] heh heh, he doesn't suspect a thing.
[spoken] Doh!
Akira: What?
Ranma: Huh? Oh nothing. [thought] for a moment there, I thought I
said that out loud. [spoken] Doh!
[Cut to later.]
Akira: Okay, your last job. It's pretty easy, since we can't think
of anything else for you to do. Okay, all you have to do is go to
LA.
Ranma: LA? Where is that?
Akira: California.
Ranma: California? Where's that?
Akira: France.
Ranma: Wow.
Akira [smacks Ranma on the head]: The U.S. you stupid!
Ranma [glare]: Hmph. [thought] Fuck. I have to hit this guy just
once, just once.
Akira: Anyway, you'll be going there to pick up some arms for us.
Meet this guy named uhhh . . . . Maseko! What's that fucker's name?
Maseko: Phon Schumacher.
Akira: Phone who? Why do I need to call someone?
Maskeo: No, that's his first name, sir.
Akira: Hmph. Ranma, go meet Schumacher and get the arms.
Ranma: To the U.S.? I never spoke English before outside of my
class!
Akira: Well, there's a first time for everything. Oh, you're doing
this job alone. Hiroshi ain't coming with you.
Ranma: Wait, is Nabiki back at home?
Akira: Yes yes, look.
[Akira points at a TV screen. On it, it shows a medium sized,
nicely decorated bedroom. It has Akane sitting on the bed,
crouched over, with a worn face.]
Ranma: That's Akane!
Akira: Well, Duh. Nabiki should be there with her, but she's gone
to the Tendo Dojo. Now, here's your plane ticket, now go!
[Ranma slowly gets up, staring at the TV screen. Then someone
turns it off. Ranma jerks his head back to see who turned it
off, it was Hiroshi. Hiroshi smiles and Ranma leaves.
Ranma arrives at the airport. Right as he gets off, he sees
this Caucasian guy in his mid twenties holding up a sign with
his name on it. It's in Japanese so Ranma finds him quick.]
Ranma: Uhh. Hero.
Guy_With_Sign [in Japanese]: Don't butcher our language, lets speak
in your tongue.
Ranma: It's pronounced tongue. Ton-uge.
Guy: What the hell ever. Lets go.
[The guy drives him to this run down shack. In it, it is nicely
furbished. It is totally different from what it looks outside.
There is an Oriental Rug, grand piano, chandelier, and other
glitzy stuff. The room is filled with women in party gowns, and
men in Tuxes. On the Piano, someone is playing "Mephisto Waltz"
by Liszt. The guy signals Ranma to go sit on the leather couch.
Ranma looks at the other people, then looks at himself. Ranma
is wearing his normal, traditional Chinese shirt, with a sports
jacket on top of it- the spring fashion of the nineties.
Ranma goes and sits down on the couch, then a blond woman, in
her early 20's sits CLOSE next to him. She offers him a cig.
Ranma shakes his head. Finally, the music stops and the guy who
was playing the piano walks toward Ranma, while the people are
clapping from his performance. The guy sits across from Ranma,
he is PHON.]
Phon: Hey, you must be Ranma. [sticks hand out]
[Ranma shakes his hand timidly.]
Guy [to Phon]: Boss, he don't talk English.
Phon: Doesn't?
Guy: Nope.
Phon [to Ranma in English]: Hey, you fuckin' Jap. Don't you know
how to wear clothes? Your fashion sense equals that of a Spice
Girl.
Ranma [in English]: Uh . . . thanku-you.
[Everyone laughs, and a few seconds later, Ranma laughs along
with them for the heck of it.]
Phon: I like this guy. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. [pats him on the shoulder]
I could never have this much fun with you with that bastard Hiroshi.
Smithers! Did we get the money via wire transfer from them?
Smithers: Yes sir.
Phon: Good, get the arms.
[A few minutes later, Smithers comes back carrying a large bag.
The bag contains several guns, explosives, shells, and other
stuff that one can have a party with.]
Phon [in English]: There they are. You can leave via my private
plane. Because we have to smuggle these into your country. And how
you handle the customs in your country, that's your problem.
Ranma: Uhh . . . .
Phon: See that girl sitting next to you? That's Hiroshi's girl. You
mess with her, and he'll come and kick your ass! HAHAHAHA.
Girl: Hmph, at least he doesn't beat me away.
Phon: Come on, no need to leave so soon. Sit back, drink some wine,
and smoke some weed.
Ranma: Uhh . . . .
Phon: Hahah, Smithers, get this stupid cock fucker out of my place.
Smithers: Will do, Mr. Schumacher. [to Ranma in Japanese] Come on
Ranma, time to go home.
Ranma: Okay . . . .
[We cut to the apartment building where Akira is staying. We
see Ran coming out of a Benz hefting that suitcase. Ranma lugs
it to the penthouse and goes into Akira's house. In it, it's
unusually empty, except with Akira and Hiroshi, smoking
cigarettes.]
Ranma: Ummm I got the arms. Now release Akane.
Akira: We let her go a long time ago. [starts to leave] Listen to
Hiroshi on what to do.
Ranma: What?! Aren't you gonna let me go?! I did everything you told
me to do!
Akira: Yeah yeah, we're letting you go. But listen to Hiroshi.
[Akira exits.]
Ranma [to Hiroshi]: What?
Hiroshi [takes a suck of his cig]: Hey Ranma. You got into this mess
by yelling at my boss's mother.
Ranma: Yeah, and?! I did my stuff!
Hiroshi [calmly blows out the smoke]: And you beat up Ryu. Doesn't
matter, he is pathetic anyway. [takes a suck] But you know, you
really didn't learn your lesson.
Ranma: What the hell do you mean?
Hiroshi [opens the bag of arms]: All you did was go to three
vacations to Taiwan, Thailand, and U.S. Did no work, I did most of
it.
Ranma: So?
Hiroshi [tosses him two, fully loaded .44 automatics]: We're gonna
let you go. In one condition.
Ranma: What?
Hiroshi [going to the door]: I'll be downstairs. Our men are all
over this building. With those two guns, fight your way out. If you
can survive, then you go scot free. If you don't, well, you don't.
Ranma: What, you mean I have to shot my way through?
Hiroshi: Whatever it takes for you to get out the front door.
Remember how I told you it was easy to kill the second time around?
Well, you never killed anyone before, and busting out of here without
killing anyone is not an easy task. That's why I killed Yong for
you, because I knew this event was gonna come. Hehe, have fun.
[leaves]
Ranma: Oh great. [looks at his guns] I never shot guns either,
killed anyone, or uhhh can't think of a third thing. Hmph, oh well,
there's a first time for everything.
[Ranma shoots the walls a couple of times.]
Ranma: Not bad. I can get used to this. [reloads] Okay, here I go.
[Ranma is about to leave, but he stops. Ranma finds a
sunglasses on a counter. Ranma picks it up and wears it. Then
he looks at a mirror and points the gun at himself. Ranma gives
a big sigh, and exits the door in slow mo.
Ranma closes the door behind him and looks around in the
hallway. Slowly, he heads towards the stairs. After he opens the
door to the stair way, he sees a guy in front of him holding a
gun. Ranma kicks him away before he can do anything and he
falls bouncing on the steps.
More men come out and Ranma dives out of the bullet's path.
Ranma then does some somersaults and runs behind a corner
as the bullets are drilling the corner he's standing behind.]
Ranma: Damnit.
[Suddenly, they stop firing. Ranma peeks around the corner and
see that they are reloading. So he takes this opportunity, dives
while firing his two guns, and kills the surprised men. Then he
goes for the elevator as more men shows up and shoots. Ranma
jumps, somersaults, dives into the elevator, and shuts the door.
Ranma pushes "1" on the elevator and hums. Then he hears thumps
above him. So Ranma shoots upwards and hears screams. Then he
hear more thumps and bullets start flying into the elevator from
above. Ranma shots upward to defend himself in the corner and
gets out in the nearest stop.
Ranma gets out and sees some men coming out in the corner. So
Ranma shoots them. Ranma then heads for the stairs way,
shooting his way through. Ranma opens the door, and sees a man
following him with a knife. Ranma kicks the door closed behind
him, and the door hits the man in the head.
Ranma then sees some men climbing up, Ranma shoots them down.
Then he looks down and sees more men waiting for him. Ranma
grits his teeth, grabs a dead guy, throws him down the stairs.
And while they are distracted, Ranma slides down the banister
firing away, killing the men.
Ranma continues to slide down, shooting anyone he sees.
Suddenly, his gun clicks.]
Ranma[cont.]: Crap, I'm out of ammo.
[Ranma sees another guy, so he throws his empty guns and knocks
him out. Ranma get off the banister and takes that guy's gun.
Ranma continues to shoot his way down. Finally, he reaches the
second floor. Ranma cracks the door open and sees lots and lots
of men armed to the teeth. Ranma grabs some more guns from the
dead guys, and sighs.
Ranma slams the door open and slides in, shooting. Then he gets
up, flips and shoots. Everyone finally notices what's going on
and they start shooting. Ranma continue to flip and shoot,
killing almost everyone of them. Some guy throws a grenade to
Ranma. Ranma jumps, catches it, and immediately throws it back,
blowing away a couple more men. (*author's note: I'm sure there
are some females in here too. So don't you feminist, PC people
get worked up about him only killing males. Even though that's
what you want.)
Finally, most of the men are killed in the second floor. Ranma
picks up a gun from some dead guy and silently goes to the edge
of a balcony. Ranma can see more men downstairs, the lobby, but
they don't notice him. Ranma cocks his guns, gets on top of a
banner, shoots the rope holding up one side of the banner,
swings down, and shoots the surprised men.
Ranma lets go, flips and shoots, killing more men. Then he
lands, jumps on a couch and bounces up while shooting. Then he
backflips, while he's still shooting, and hides behind the couch
as the bullets wail on the couch.
Suddenly, the rest of the remaining men run away. And Ranma
gets up and stands there, baffled in the chaos. Then Hiroshi
pops out of nowhere and shoots. Ranma notices and immedately
shoots as well. In Ranma's bullet's POV, we see it flying
through the air and making contact with Hiroshi's bullet.]
Hiroshi: Ohhh, so you learn fast. This should be fun.
[Hiroshi shoots again, and in Hiroshi's bullet's POV, we see it
heading fast toward Ranma. Then we see Ranma diving away, and
we fly into the wall. Ranma starts shooting and so does Hiroshi.
They both dive behind a desk, shooting. They are about twenty
feet away, popping up and down behind the desks, shooting at
each other.]
Ranma: I'm gonna kill this guy before I leave.
[Hiroshi throws a chair to Ranma. As Ranma is distracted,
Hiroshi runs into a hallway. Ranma follows shooting. Hiroshi
runs, blindly shooting behind him. Hiroshi turns the corner and
when Ranma was about to follow, the wall next to him explodes
and he is pushed back. We cut to Hiroshi holding a shotgun,
cocks it, and a shell flies out. Hiroshi shoots again and Ranma
backs away and runs. Ranma runs into another hallway, and
Hiroshi follows firing his shotgun. Ranma turns the corner and
Hiroshi follows. Ranma disappeared.]
Hiroshi: Where the hell is he?
[Suddenly, a door behind Hiroshi opens, hitting him in the head.
As he falls, Hiroshi back kicks the door shut, hitting Ranma in
the head also. Ranma gets up first and kicks the shotgun away
from Hiroshi. Hiroshi gets up, but Ranma throws the first
punch. Hiroshi dodges and punches Ranma's punching arm's elbow.
Ranma grabs his elbow in pain and immediately kicks Hiroshi
away.
Ranma reaches for his gun and so does Hiroshi. They both point
it at each other. Hiroshi is on the ground, pointing his guy up
towards Ranma, and Ranma standing up, pointing down towards
Hiroshi.]
Ranma: Die.
Hiroshi: I dare you. You can't do it. I know you can't.
Ranma: Yeah, but I killed about fifty men in this building. You
said killing gets easier every time
Hiroshi: Yeah, but can you kill someone you know?!
Ranma: What?
Hiroshi: Someone you know. You know, like your brother, spouse, or
a friend.
Ranma: You're no friend.
Hiroshi: Perhaps not, but come on and shoot me if ya want. Right
now!
[Ranma doesn't.]
Hiroshi: Heheh, you can't huh? Unfortunately for you, killing you
will be easy. I just have to pull my trigger and you'll be just
another guy I offed during my years as an assassin. [pause] I'll
tell you what. I'm gonna count to three. At three I'm gonna shoot.
You can't do anything but shoot me.
Ranma [cocks the gun]: I'll kill you.
Hiroshi: One.
Ranma: You're wrong about me. I'll kill you.
Hiroshi: Two.
[A lady walks in the building carrying flowers. Startled by a
loud gunshot, she drops the roses and we fade out.]
-FIN
Author's Babble:
This fic was an idea from Odie (Andres Odella). I don't know what he
was thinking, but he brought up this idea of that old lady (Kyoko in
my story) of being a member of the Yakuza. I said that's a nice
idea, and Odie told me that I had one year to finish it. If I manage
to finish it, he said he'll give me a twinkie. So it's finished and
a month hasn't even passed yet. Well, Odie owes me a twinkie now,
UAHAHAHAHA.
Send flames & comments to yinyang@altered.com Any comments about
this fic or my writing ability will be accepted. Even, "this sucks"
type thing. I don't care, I want comments!
Ranma 1/2 (C) Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan/Kitty Fuji TV. 1997
all rights deserved.