From: Andrew Huang <alhuang@hcs.harvard.edu>
Subject: Re: [FFML] [EVA][fic] In Other Words
A story like this brings a tear to my eye. Great writing. You do
so
really great work and this is some really great stuff.
:) Thanks. I'm working on the sequel, still. It's kinda hard to
continue in that vein....
Now, get back to Evanjellydonut, or I'll have to hurt you. Just
kidding! No, really I was kidding. Please put down the
shotgun....^_^;
I'll get around to it...sometime. Humor is a lot harder to write,
you know. :)
>From Andrew Huang, brought to you by his computer, Oddzilla
Oddzilla says, "Mmmmm...Evanjellydonut...."
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang/
Harvard Anime Society, President
No it isn't. Here, to help you get your mind on track, here's an Eva
fic that I'm writing. Actually a parody of a friend's piece of work.
Her's while starting funny and ending serious, is nothing like my
starting funny and ending even less serious.
Neon Genesis Evagelion: Geo-Rip
0:1 - Mack's Rage
By A-kun the Superfan
Hey there, readers. This is the first episode of Neon Genesis
Evagelion: Geo-Rip. I had this crazy idea in mind, so I decided to make
a fanfic out of it!
Here we go, boys and girls!
^_^;
Enjoy!
------------------------------------------------------------
Mack sighed as he filled out the <CENSORED> form. He knew that it was
kinda funny that they'd want to know his birthday, etc. Especially
since that information was already in the school's computer, on the
hardcopies of his grades, on his birth certificate, on his medical file,
on his ID and pretty much in easy reach of any government agency that
wanted to know it. [Little known fact #3435535543-jdsafGRuip All
personal information for any united states citizen is imprinted on tiny
microchips that dentists put into your molars - excerpted from the
'Handbook of TharzZzDunN' or something we found tattooed on his butt.]
He finished the form and pulled out a book and began reading as was
normal for him. No one bothered him unless they wanted to be given a
good bashing in the monetary department. Nor did they want their name
posted on the FBI list of most wanted criminals.
The teacher had been generous today and let them go outside. Mack was
currently sitting under an oak tree. Nearby, two misfits sat saying
dirty things about him. They had been annoying him lately. But, when a
black car veered off the nearby road and began bearing down on them,
they screamed and ran off.
"GET THEM! THEY'RE THE TWO MOST WANTED PEOPLE ON THE FBI CRIMINAL
LIST!!!" One man yelled, pulling out a gun and firing at the two boys,
trying to tag them in the legs.
Mack chuckled evilly. Scratch two more people that would openly state
their dislike for him.
"The Marduk agency has found the fourth child." Gendo Ikari told
Ritsuko Akagi.
"And who will retrieve him?" Ritsuko asked.
"He is too intellegent to fall for tricks or subterfuge (i.e. fancy
tricks or Trix for kids). We'll send a team of specialists. I want you
there to act as NERV's representative." Gendo told her.
"Why not send Captain Katsuragi?" Ritsuko asked.
"She's already on a mission to act as a representative with the U.N.
fleet bringing Eva-2." Gendo replied.
"Understood, sir." Ritsuko said.
Ritsuko REALLY hoped this new child would be more open than Rei (she
meant no offense), have a thicker spine than Shinji (she meant no
offense), and have a smaller ego than Asuka (she meant no REAL offense).
Maybe someone who was as intellegent as her.
Mack began walking to his apartment. He had lived alone for...as long
as he could accurately remember.
Mack had just locked the door to his apartment and was just beginning
to head down to the local grocery store. As he was about to begin
walking down the street, two Men-in-Black (tm)(not to mention they
looked suspiciously like Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones) grabbed him and
yanked him into a black car. One stabbed a hypodermic needle into his
prone ass (he fell on his chest) and pumped a strange fluid (that looked
like urine [or maybe it was Surge, it's a little hard to tell in this
bad light. - comment by TharzZzDunN during his drug test] more than any
kind of drug) into him.
It wasn't until he awoke in some sort of medical gown that Mack
realized he had been kidnapped by total perverts. A woman looked at
him.
"Not yet!" one woman said, stabbing yet another needle into his exposed
ass. He was still lying on his chest in the car, too. He passed out
yet again.
When he awoke on a plane, he saw the same woman undressing. She looked
at him.
"NOT YET!" the woman yelled, jabbing a 300,000 volt tazer into his
still exposed ass, then needled him in the ass.
He wondered why he was still lying on his chest as he passed out yet
again.
If you don't want to read about total insanity, skip this paragraph.
[Awakening in his homeroom class, he looked around wondering how he had
gotten here. Looking down he made an embarrassing discovery, he was
naked, well except for his socks and shoes. He awoke screaming and
vomitted on the cat, which took a shot at him forcing him to jump out of
his bedroom window. This wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't been on
the 36th floor of a tiered high-rise. He smacked into just about every
flagpole on every balcony, (Flag Day) face- or groin-first. -
Dictation by TharzZzDunN of the O.J. Simpson trial] (A-kun note: Ignore
what was written in the paragraph above. This is NOT what happened, in
this story or in the O.J. Simpson trial.)[That's just what I would have
expected a omni-mutant traitor like you to say, I'll bet you don't even
trust the Computer, do you? The Computer is your friend. -
Valedictorian speech written by TharzZzDunN for A-chan]
It wasn't until A-kun kicked TharzZzDunN's butt that-WHOOPS! I was
distracted. Sorry!
It wasn't until he found himself in a bed (not lying on his chest,
FINALLY!) that he realized that no one had jabbed him in the butt with a
hypodermic, nor a tazer. He looked up at the same woman that had jabbed
the hypodermic and the tazer in his butt.
"Uh, hello..." Mack began.
"My name is Dr. Ritsuko Akagi. How do you do?" She asked.
"Uh, besides my butt, which has been puncutured three times and tazered
once, I'm fine." Mack replied.
"Good. Listen, we need your assistance right now." Ritsuko Akagi said,
tossing him a plugsuit.
"Well, that's all fine and dandy, but WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON
HERE?!?!?!" Mack roared.
Ritsuko backed off a few steps, then shook her head and evened her
temper.
"You've been selected to pilot an Evangelion. Now, if you don't mind,
get dressed because an angel is attacking." Ritsuko replied, forgetting
that Mack didn't understand a single thing she had said, save the word
'Angel'.
He snapped to his feet and put on the plugsuit, not knowing what the
hell was going on, but knowing that somehow, he was important.
As he ran behind her with the baggy plug suit unsealed.
Ritsuko lead him to the bay area where Evagelion designation 0-1 was
kept. Mack stared at the huge purple mech and could do little else. It
wasn't until Ritsuko grabbed him and yanked him up to the gantry, that
his mind began working, this time fifty times faster than it would for
school work. But, it wasn't until he was in the cockpit and it was
beginning to fill with LCL that he realized they wanted him to pilot
this thing into combat....against an ANGEL for kami's sake!
"Reset Eva-1's neural patterns to allow him to pilot." Ritsuko said.
"Isn't this a bit desperate?" Truss asked.
"Yes, but we won't survive any other way." Ritsuko replied.
Mack also noticed that the once baggy jumpsuit had been sealed by
Ritsuko. When the LCL reached his head, he could do little else but
accept it into his body. It wasn't the first time he had experienced
the substance, but it always made him nauseous. After every experience,
he had spent at least half an hour puking his guts up. He knew that
this time, he'd be spending more than one half hour in the bathroom.
"Prepare Eva 1 for launch." Ritsuko said in the control booth.
[Too bad Rei has the measles. It really sucks that she can't pilot
instead. At least it isn't an infected hang-nail.] Ritsuko thought,
irrately.
"HEY, lady! What the heck is this thing, what the hell am I supposed
to do, why isn't someone else operating this damn thing and what the
hell is going on?!?!" Mack yelled, somehow aware that she could hear
him.
"It's an Evagelion, a mech designed for fighting Angels. You're
supposed to fight the approaching angel with it. All our other pilots
are either still recovering or are not available because they are on a
separate mission. And an angel is attacking the city and you're going
to be fighting it in the city." Ritsuko replied.
Mack blinked.
"Impressive. His sync ratio is at 38.5%. A few points beneath
Shinji's." Maya remarked.
"Yeah, yeah. We can't dally around right now. LAUNCH EVA!!" Ritsuko
yelled.
"WHAT THE %$#%-" Mack began to ask before the Evagelion was sent
flying upwards at 4 to 5 Gs. From his curses, it was obvious that Mack
was truly an all-american guy.
As the Eva stopped in the city, Mack was forced to swallow back bile.
He looked forward at the ugly Angel. It was a turtle of sorts and it
was standing on it's hindlegs. It looked like a Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtle minus the covering marks and the intellegence in it's eyes.
Plus, it had spikes on it's back and a red ball on it's chest. No
self-respecting Ninja Turtle would let that stupid thing on it's chest.
Actually, it looked more like King Koopa from the old Mario Brothers
games. No, even Koopa wasn't stupid enough to put that stupid ball on
his chest.
"Concentrate on walking." Ritsuko told him.
[I'll be lucky if I don't trip and make myself look like an ass.] Mack
thought.
[He'll be lucky if he doesn't trip and make himself look like an ass.
I wish commander Ikari hadn't sent Shinji on that stupid guard mission.
Asuka is a more than compentent pilot!] Ritsuko thought.
Actually, if Ritsuko knew Shinji and Asuka were currently fighting a
whale-like angel together, she wouldn't be thinking that.
Eva-1 began walking forward. The turtle angel looked at it and
extended three glowing claws per hand. It launched two of the claws.
The glowing claws stabbed into the chest of the Eva-1. Mack screamed as
it felt like someone had just stabbed him in the chest with jagged
knives. He growled and looked up at the angel. A red haze covered his
vision.
The Eva-1's mouth opened and let loose the same terrifying howl it had
when it had first gone into combat. Ritsuko and the rest of the command
crew all shivered in unison.
The Eva-1 leaped forth and with a single punch, it's fist smashed into
the red ball on the Angel's chest. With a swift kick where it would've
counted on a human male, Mack's relentless attack began.
Mack performed a roundhouse, followed by a jump kick to the Angel's
solar plexius (if it had one), just above the red ball. The Angel
roared to life and tried to attack the Eva-1, but it was caught by a
sucker-punch to the face, followed up by a double-knee to the funny red
ball. Mack upper-cut the Angel and sent it reeling. A double foot
stomp on the red ball caused three thick cracks to form in the red ball.
As Eva-1 backed off to begin another attack, the Angel once again
roared to life. It raised it's arms to stop the sucker-punch, but the
punch was never launched. Instead, the Angel was treated to a crushing
stomp on it's right foot, followed by a kick in the left shin, followed
immediately by a huge ball of pavement in the face. The Eva-1 grabbed
the Angel by the face and began slamming into a nearby roof-top, rubbing
it's face into the roof of the building before pulling the Angel back
and throwing it to the ground. The Eva-1 stood on the Angel's groin(?)
and stomped the red ball until it shattered.
It was then that the angel, having had enough time to set up for this,
exploded. Ritsuko sighed. At least they didn't have to pay for the
disposal of this angel. Not like with the fifth angel. That stupid
cube thing was taking FOREVER to deconstruct and dispose of.
Mack once again awoke in the same hospital bed as before. He looked up
at Ritsuko, Misato Katsuragi, Shinji Ikari and Asuka Langley-Soryu.
After the initial introductions, Mack looked at Ritsuko.
"Okay, now tell me all the things you were SUPPOSED to tell me before I
got out of this bed the first time." Mack said.
"You didn't tell him?!" Misato asked Ritsuko.
"Uh, it was an emergency. We had to have a pilot and since Rei had the
measles....we had to take him." Ritsuko said in her defence.
"Why would having the measles do anything?" Shinji asked.
"If she coughed or sneezed in the middle of combat, she and her Eva
could have been in real trouble. Not to mention that she wouldn't be
moving at even acceptable rates. And it would have disrupted her brain
wave pattern, so her Eva might not have even synced properly." Misato
explained.
Asuka winced. She hoped she didn't get sick any time soon. Meanwhile,
Ritsuko and Misato began a long and laborious task of telling Mack about
NERV, the Evas and more about the Angels.
The commander looked at the man in front of him in a manner than would
have made a weaker-willed man wet himself.
"I am pleased that you managed to deliver the Eva ahead of schedule,
but would you mind telling me why it's painted like THIS?!!" the
commander asked, shoving forward a color photo of Eva-03 with it's armor
painted like a certain 20th century superhero from Marvel.
"I'm sorry, commander Picard. But, you see the man responsible for
painting Eva-03 had...an unexplainable fixation on him as a child." Lt.
Riker said.
[Geordi La Forge will pay for this.] Lt. William Riker promised
himself.
"<SIGH> Look, send it to NERV and let them handle it. But, if you let
this happen to Eva-08, I will have you court-martialed, understand?!"
Commander Jean Luc Picard asked.
"Yes sir!" Lt. Riker said, stiffening his spine.
Gendo Ikari sat in front of what he called the 'Stupid Smurf
Convention'. Of course, he would never voice that name outloud. Five
men sitting around making stupid and obvious comments with such little
intellingence that even Forest Gump looked like a warp field engineer.
>From right to left, there was Pinky, Dopey, Snow White, Stupid
son-of-a-bitch, and Kawaiikune Tomboy (even though they're all men).
[Or as he liked to call them in private, those #$&&#$%&^^%%$@#&^@$^@^
old %^&&^^&#%&@$&#%^&$@%&&@$&@$&@ useless tomato seeds. - The final
episode of TharzZzDunN's political commentary show. This is Smartline.]
What they said, "Gendo, this latest Eva pilot has proven better than
even the best Eva pilot you currently have. If this continues, we'll
have to see what he can do that the others can't." Dopey said.
What Gendo heard, "Blahblahblahblah, Gendo, blahblahblahblahblablablah
Eva blahblahblah we'll have to see what you look like naked tied with
licorce gum blahblah blahblahblahblah Gendo blahblahblahblahblah Eva
blahblahblah."
In his mind, Gendo made a personal note to have Dopey killed. Possibly
with licorce gum injected rectally.
"Uh-huh." Gendo said.
"GENDO! You haven't heard a word we've said have you?!" Pinky asked.
"Sure I have." Gendo calmly lied.
"Then what did I just say?" Kawaiikune Tomboy asked.
"Uh....straighten up and fly right?" Gendo asked.
They sputtered.
"Well, that was just a lucky guess!" Son-of-a-bitch said.
------------------------------------------------------------
Be ready for Geo-Rip 2: Evagelion 3 Arrives, More Trouble. Expect a
lot of damage, a lot of wackiness and possibly a perverted mentioning of
Misato, Ritsuko, Asuka or Rei naked or climbing out a bath! And if THAT
gave you a nosebleed, perhaps you should grow your hair like Shinji's or
Ryoga Hibiki's (from Ranma 1/2).
Done as of 9/10/1997
See ya!
"RAT BOY! I resent that!" - Bart, just before he begins gnawing on
the dry wall.
"GAAAAAAH!!! Don't DO that!" - Marge as Grandpa walks in behind her.
"GAAAAAAAAH!!! Don't do THAT!" - Grandpa's reply.
Makoto stared at the picture of her old boyfriend. We zoom in on it
and realize that Makoto's old boyfriend was Piccolo. - From a fanfic to
come...
Ben McCrillis <aka. A-kun> at akun16@hotmail.com
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