Wanna bet this gets a minimum of twice the comment my latest non-Ranma 
story did?
	This is based on an idea put out on the FFML, sorry, I don't 
remember who came up with it...

     My server is temporarily down, so please send comments to my 
alternate address, skjam@hotmail.com  Thanks!



				THOSE WHO CAN'T
				by Scott K. Jamison
				(Takahashi disclaimer)

_Sometime after the end of Vol. 38_

     Genma Saotome relaxed with a nice hot cup of tea.  It sure was 
quiet around the Dojo with Ranma and his mother off on their trip 
to...wherever they'd gone.  Ranma had made all his fiancees promise they 
wouldn't follow him, and to make sure, Nodoka hadn't told her husband so 
he wouldn't spill the beans.
	The girls had decided to keep an eye on each other to make sure none of 
them stole a march, and none of the usual male challengers appeared to 
be in town.
	Yep.  Nice and quiet.  Couldn't possibly last.  So Genma savored his 
tea.
	Ah, here came Akane.  The pensive look she'd had earlier in the morning 
was replaced by her determined (but not angry) look.
	"Good day, Uncle Saotome."
	"Good morning, Akane."
	"I was thinking," Genma shifted uneasily when he heard this, 
women thinking always meant trouble for him, "while Ranma's away, why 
don't you train me?"  Akane smiled, that sunny one Genma suspected Ranma 
loved.
 	"Train you?  Why?  You're not my student."
	"No, but since Ranma is gone, you've got some spare time, right?  Can't 
spend it all at the shogi board.  It's not like you have to teach me any 
secret techniques (like I was *really* impressed with the Wolf Fang or 
Crouching Tiger), just help me expand my repertoire a bit."  Akane was 
sounding unusually reasonable, which was not lost on Genma.
	"You don't need to improve your martial arts.  Ranma will run the dojo 
when you're married."  There, see how that went down.
	Akane frowned, but pressed onwards.  "Ranma won't be here all the time.  
With all the crazies we get here, I want to be able to defend myself.  
(And just once I'd like to swat Shampoo like a bug...)"
	Genma gave it some thought, a process that took time.  Akane 
wasn't really a *bad* martial artist, and she could learn, she just had 
appalling combat luck, and with Ranma around, there was really no point 
in training her.  But Ranma wasn't around, as she'd pointed out.  And he 
could use some light exercise to stay in shape for his son's return.  
        *And* she hadn't immediately blown her top at the topic of 
marriage, so she deserved a reward.
	"Very well.  For this week only, I will train you."
	"Thanks!  You won't regret it."  Akane rushed off to get her gi. 

_A Week Later_

	Ranma sighed in relief.  It was good to be home (for such the 
Tendou Dojo was to him) again.  Sure, it had been nice to spend some 
quality time alone with his mother, but the woman could be awfully 
intense. 
	A familiar face greeted him at the door.
	"Hi Akane!"
	"Hi, Ranma, how was the trip?"
	"Oh, pretty good, talked a lot, fought some guy who thought a gun from 
ambush would actually work on a martial artist."  He'd looked so 
surprised when Ranma plucked the bullets out of the air with bare hands.  
Must have been new to Japan.
	"Wanna spar?"  What, already?
	"Uh, guess so."
	"I've been practicing!"  Oh, like that was going to do her any 
good. 

_Several Minutes Later_
	"*Fight* me, dammit!"
	Ranma dodged another strike, barely.  Akane had improved a *lot* in the 
last week.  Only the wide gap in their starting skills was allowing 
Ranma to stay ahead of her.  Already, this match had gone 
minutes longer than their usual.
        Finally, Ranma managed to flip Akane on her back to end the 
sparring.  "Geez, Akane, what happened?"
        "I've been training with your father while you were away."
        "Pops?  Why would he train a clumsy, slow girl like *urk*!"
        "Because I asked, baka," Akane replied, removing her fist from 
his gut.
        "It's true," confirmed Genma, popping in from the doorway.  "The 
first day, she seemed hopeless, but as the week went on, Akane showed 
considerable progress.  You know, if you're to take over the dojo, 
you'll need to practice teaching.  Why don't you start training Akane?"
        Since his father had thought of it, there must be something 
wrong with the idea.  But Ranma couldn't think of what it could be, 
besides another attempt to get him to marry Akane soon, and Pops wasn't 
subtle enough for that.  So he said "Sure, for all the good it'll do."

_Two Weeks Later_
        "You're hopeless, Akane!  Why did I ever agree to this stupid 
training idea in the first place?"
        "I don't know.  I thought if maybe you trained me seriously, I 
could finally move off the bottom of the ladder around here.  But you've 
done nothing but harass and insult me!  Why can't you just teach me 
anything, Ranma?"
        Souun frowned.  This training idea was not working out.  If 
anything, Ranma and Akane were getting along worse than they had even a 
month ago.  And Akane's martial skills had not improved a bit under 
Ranma's tutelage.  He knew his daughter had a much slower learning curve 
than her fiance, but even so, she should have picked up *something*.  A 
horrible thought crossed Souun's mind, one that he had never considered 
before, and he prayed that he was wrong.
        "Well, you're a perverte--"
        "Ranma!  Akane!  That will be *enough*!"  Souun gave them a 
touch of Demon Head just to let them know he was serious.
        "Akane, perhaps it would be best if Ranma stopped training you 
for a while.  Instead, I will train you for a few days.  I still have a 
few moves you haven't seen yet.  Then we will see if you can teach them 
to Ranma."
        The teenagers looked at him in shock.  "*Her* train *me*?" asked 
Ranma incredulously.
        "Yes.  Unless you'd rather see a grown man cry?"
        "Um, that won't be necessary, Daddy.  I'd be glad to learn 
something from you again."
        Ranma nodded.  "Uh, sure, Mr. Tendou, less wear and tear on 
those tear glands."
        Souun smiled.  That threat always got them.  Thank goodness for 
that Prozac prescription Kasumi had finally persuaded him to try. 

_Four Days Later_

        "That's amazing!  (And a little irritating...)  It took me two 
days of intense practice to get that maneuver down, and you learned it 
in fifteen minutes!"  
        Ranma smirked at Akane.  "It was easy.  You explained it good 
enough, and you know I can pretty much pick up a technique by seeing it 
once."
        Genma roared, and held up a sign reading, [That's my boy!]
        "So, Ranma, you would say Akane's teaching was effective?" asked 
Souun.
        "Naw, I'm just a fast learner, is all.  I could learn stuff from 
anyone," Ranma drawled.
        "Perhaps.  But can you teach it?"  Souun decided another 
experiment was in order.  "There are two beginners' classes starting 
next week here at the Dojo.  I want each of you to assist with one for a 
month."
        "Whoa!  That's more of a work load than you've had since I've 
been here.  No problemo, though, I can whip them into shape for you."
        Akane said, "I'd be honored to help you, Father.  Are you sure 
you're up to it?"
        "Don't worry about me, children.  This is your chance to show me 
what you've learned."

_One Month Later_
        Ranma and Akane sat impatiently waiting for Souun to finish his 
tea.  He'd said he'd have something important to say, and not about the 
engagement, for a change.
        "Well?" asked Ranma, "You just going to have us wait around all 
day?"
        Souun set down his tea.  "Very well.  I have observed your 
performance as you two helped me with my classes.  I am proud to say 
that both of you tried very hard, and showed an interest.
        "Akane, I'll remind you again that what you did to that Antonama 
boy was wrong."
        "He was trying to grope me!" shot back his daughter.
        "Nevertheless, the sensei should never strike the pupil except 
as part of training.  You simply hit him in anger, and he learned 
nothing."
        Akane snapped, "You never complained about me hitting Ranma or 
Kunou!"
        "They are not your students.  When you become a sensei, you move 
into a different relationship.  But other than that incident, you 
performed quite well for never having taught before, and your students 
showed visible progress over the month."  Souun smiled as his daughter's 
face brightened.
        "Ranma, I'm afraid the same is not true of you.  None of the 
pupils you assisted showed any improvement, and several of them have 
given up martial arts entirely."
        "Hey!  They were a bunch of losers!  Good riddance!" defended 
Ranma.
        Souun sighed.  "It is true none of them had much potential or 
talent in the martial arts, but they were no less so than the class 
Akane helped.  I'm sorry to say that you don't seem to have much of a 
future as a sensei."
        "WHAT?  I'm the best martial artist around!  I can lick anybody 
with one arm tied behind my back! I'm gonna be a great sensei!"
        "Ranma, your martial skills are not in question here.  Your 
ability to pass them on to others is.  Akane has shown this ability, and 
you have not.  I am removing you from your assistant position, effective 
immediately."  Souun noted that Akane looked rather smug.  He'd have to 
talk to her privately.  Preferably before his Prozac wore off.  
        "This *sucks*!  I can teach just as good as she can, and I'll 
prove it!"  Ranma stormed out the door.

_An Hour Later_
        Ukyou fried up another of her specials.  Ranma swallowed it 
without a moment's hiatus in his fuming.  Ukyou thought he might be hot 
enough to cook okonomiyaki on himself.
        "So what's the problem?  Akane finally found something she's 
better at than you are that actually matters.  Good for her!"  Ukyou 
tossed a few orders to Konatsu, who sent them to their proper places. 
        "You don't get it?  If I can't teach martial arts, how'm I gonna 
make a living?"  Ranchan was such a silly sometimes!
        "Don't be silly, Ranchan, you'll always have a job here at the 
restaurant once we get married."  Ukyou gave him her best comforting 
smile and put more food on his plate.  For some reason, he was sweating.
        "Uh, Ucchan, I...I...I want to try training you!"  That was a 
surprise.
        "You sure, hon?"
        "I figger Akane and those losers in the beginners' class just 
didn't have the right attitude.  I bet I can teach you a few moves 
though.  You game?"
        "Well..."  If nothing else, it would give her some time when 
Ranma was focusing on her for a change.  Ukyou could certainly use that!  
"Okay.  Start tomorrow after school?"
        "Sure!"

_Five Days Later_
        "Ranma you *jackass*!"
        #THWANG#
        Ranma removed Ukyou's spatula from his head.  Man, she had a 
temper.  He wondered why he always seemed to forget that between times.  
Maybe because Akane's was worse.
        "Ranchan, we've been at this almost a week, and the only thing 
I've learned is what an insensitive jerk you are!  I have half a mind to 
call off the engagement."  Ukyou punctuated her statement by spiking her 
giant spatula into the ground.
        "Hey, I'm doin' the best I can here!"
        "And it's not good enough.  Ranchan, face it, you're about as 
good a teacher as Akane is a cook.  Worse, actually.  At least she can 
come up with something edible once in a while."
        Ranma took his frustration out on one of the training dummies 
he'd set up.  Its head exploded in a cloud of dust.
        "Dammit, this can't be happening!  I'm good at everything!"
        "Oh, come on, Sugar.  You know that ain't true.  How's your 
English?"
        "Da Sukai Esu Bruu...uh, not so hot.  But everything important!"
        "I got the dinner rush to cook for.  See you round, Ranchan."  
Ukyou waved, picked up her spatula, and leapt off.
        "Fine then!  I'll find someone else to teach!"  Then 
again...maybe he was going about this wrong.  After all, most of his 
training came from his father, and Genma's methods were often dubious.  
Maybe, Ranma thought, he'd be better off learning teaching methods from 
someone slightly smarter.

_A Few Hours Later_
        Ranma and Akane sat at a corner booth in the Nekohanten.  
Shampoo was apparently out on a delivery.  With any luck, they could 
finish their business before she got back.
        Cologne pogoed over to their table.  "Well, well, groom, what 
brings you by today?"
        "I need some help.  And don't call me groom, ya old ghoul."
        "And what is she here for?" asked Cologne, ignoring the insult 
and pointing her staff at Akane.
        "To mallet me in the head if Shampoo glomps me," replied Ranma.
        "For moral support," replied Akane simultaneously, and meaning 
the same thing.
        "I see," said Cologne without a trace of sarcasm.  "What is the 
nature of your problem?"
        Ranma explained.  "So, since you've had the most experience 
teaching of anyone I know ('cept maybe Happosai, and I sure as Hell 
ain't askin' him), could you train me to be a sensei?"
        Cologne stared impassively at him for a minute.  "That is 
something I had not considered.  After all, your teaching skills are 
largely irrelevant to your marriage to Shampoo."
        "I ain't marryin' Shampoo!"
        "The poor girl is so in love with you, she'd marry you even if 
you gave up martial arts and became a (ptui!) street mime.  You do 
realize that, don't you?"
        Ranma suppressed a shudder.  "Whatever.  Can you help me?"
        "It's worth a try, Son-in-law."
        "Nihao!" came a cheery voice before Ranma could retort.
        "Sh-Shampoo!" groaned Ranma, bracing for pain.

_Three Days Later_
        "Well, Son-in-law, I must say I've seldom seen anyone with less 
potential as a teacher."  Cologne took a long draw on her pipe. 
        "Don't...call me...Son-in-law..." mumbled Ranma from his supine 
position on the ground.  "An' I'm not givin' up."
        "Oh, if you work very hard, and keep at it, you might eventually 
grasp the rudiments of teaching.  But you'll never be a good sensei.  
Certainly I'm not going to waste any more time trying to train you in 
it.  Come back when you want to learn a combat technique.  That you're 
suited for."
        Ranma thought of protesting again, but decided not to waste his 
breath.  Maybe Ryouga would know something?  He'd trained Akane in 
Combat Gymnastics, after all.

_Two Weeks Later_
        "Sorry, Ranma, I can't help you.  You either got it or you 
don't."  Ryouga turned back to cleaning the barn.
        "I took all this time to find you, and that's all you can tell 
me!?"
        "Not my fault you didn't think of calling Akari first," Ryouga 
shrugged.
        "Just so this trip wasn't a total waste, wanna spar?"

_A Week Later_
        Ranma couldn't believe he was reduced to this.
        "Okay, how about a Triple Palooza Space Mountain Sundae with 
extra sprinkles?  But that's my final offer."
        "Okay!  Yay!  Ice cream!"  The little girl in the yellow dress 
bounced up and down in her seat.
        Ranma ordered, and the waitress brought the budget (and diet) 
busting concoction.
        "So, Miss Hinako, can I ask you something?"
        "No, you may not press my points again, you naughty boy."  She 
stuck her fudge-coated tongue out at him.
        "Naw, that's not it.  What I need to know is, how'd you get to 
be a teacher?"
        "Well, four years in a standard college with an education major, 
two more years at a teacher's postgrad school, and a year as a trainee 
teacher is what I needed to get my certification."
        That seemed like an awful long haul to Ranma.  Especially since 
he just wanted to teach a few kicks and chops, not Shakespeare. 
        "Seven years.  Wow.  So was it worth it?"
        "Oh, every minute.  But you really have to have some aptitude 
for teaching in the first place, or you shouldn't even start."
        Ranma glumly watched Miss Hinako finish her dessert. 

_Later That Night_
        The Tendou and Saotome families gathered for a council.  Mr.  
Tendou reviewed the circumstances.  "Since it now appears Ranma will 
never be able to become a sensei--"
        "Hey!"  Ranma protested.  "I'll get the hang of it.  After all, 
Akane learned to cook...eventually...mostly...sorta."
        Akane decided it was still the nicest thing he'd ever said about 
her cooking, and kissed him anyways.
        "As I was saying," Souun continued, "while our family fully 
intends to honor the marriage promise, whichever of my daughters you 
choose, Akane will be the one to inherit the dojo and be its sensei." 
        "Wait a minute.  Since when do I get a choice of daughters?" 
Ranma asked, baffled.
        "Since now.  While you were expected to take over the dojo, we 
ignored certain other factors.  But it's no secret you and Akane haven't 
always gotten along well.  Perhaps Kasumi or Nabiki would be more 
suitable.  I have also consulted with your parents," Souun nodded to 
Genma and Nodoka, "and should you choose to marry Miss Kuonji instead, 
the joining of our families would be put off for one generation."
        "Oh, Ranma wants Akane," smiled Kasumi.
        "Definitely Akane," agreed Nabiki.
        "He'd better want Akane, if he knows what's good for him," 
growled the girl in question.
        Ranma gulped.  "Hooboy.  Hey, you're forgettin' something.  I'm 
the one with all the fancy moves.  Akane can't teach them if she doesn't 
know 'em, right?  And if she's not learnin' them from me--"
        "We'll have to make arrangements for her to learn from someone 
else, won't we?" retorted Souun.  He loved the control Prozac had given 
him over his emotions, and who needed a sex drive, anyway? 

_Four Days Later_
        "*Sperm!?*"
        "Yep, that's what Cologne wants, all right," admitted Ranma, 
blushing furiously.
        Akane was livid.  "You can't actually be thinking of giving it 
to her, can you?  You pervert!"
        "I ain't going to do *that* with her!"  The very thought made 
Ranma's stomach turn.  "I just go down to the clinic, in a room *by 
myself* with maybe a couple of girlie magazines, and, uh, produce 
samples.  No contact with women at any time.  Doc Toufuu says it's all 
very clean and efficient these days.
        "This way, Cologne gets what she wants, some of my `genetic 
potential' to add to her tribe, and we get what we want, training for 
you."
        Akane calmed down a bit.  "Shampoo isn't going to like this, you 
know."
        "Kamisama, do I know.  She was screaming bloody murder when she 
heard.  There are times I am really really glad I don't know much 
Chinese.  The old ghoul thinks she can bring her around though.  Some 
kind of loophole in the Amazon laws."  Ranma grinned.  "Besides, it's 
still better than what Happosai wanted."
        "What was that?"
        "You'll sleep better at night if you don't know."

_Ten Years Later_
        "NO!  You may *not* take Tenma on a training voyage!"  Akane's 
voice hadn't gotten any less loud over the years.
        "But, Honey--"
        "Don't you `Honey' me!  I remember that little camping trip you 
took him on when he was six.  The one when you decided it was time to 
start teaching him how to be `a man among men'?"
        "But it worked out okay in the end, didn't it?" asked Ranma 
defensively.
        "Okay?  OKAY?  The poor boy was so traumatized, it took me a 
month to get Tenma to not want to grow up to be Kasumi!"
        "But he looked kinda cute in that little apron, you got to admit 
that."
        "Ooh!  Ranma, you are such an idiot!  Look, you do a lot of 
things around here.  You cook, clean, sew, *and* save the world on 
alternate Thursdays.  You just have to accept that you're no good at 
teaching.  That's my job."
        "You are *so* uncute," retorted Ranma, falling back on old 
standards.
        "Well, you know what they say.  Those who can't teach, 
criticize."


                           THE END

     Hope you enjoyed it!

SKJAM!
Send comments to skjam@hotmail.com

        



 


______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com