Original fic by: Carlin (sorry, you never gave me the address!)

The following MST is owned, lock, stock and barrel by
Jester Blue, Ltd. GmbH Inc.  

             Fly By Night Productions presents
                A Jester and Frenchy Review

Jester Blue: Hiya folks.  Today we're gonna review this here fic.  It's 
a pretty good 'un.
M. Lynx: Of course, Monsieur.  You would like it.
JB: Ahh, frenchy, jest cause I had to you to tie up your time to do 
this...
M. L:  Monsieur, you tied me up!
JB:  No harm frenchy!  Wan' some popcorn?
M. L:  MONSIEUR! MY HANDS ARE TIED!
JB:  I know whatcha mean, frenchy.. 

[Lights dim and credits roll.]

JB:  Ohh goody, m'favorite parts come'n up.
M. L: ...

This is the followup to 'At The Movies' and it is a prequel to that
story. Both are part of an alternate timeline so do not strictly 
adhere to either Manga or Anime canon. C-C and MST-ies are 

JB:  Misty?

welcomed and appreciated either publicly or privately.

JB: I don't adhere to cannon's either.  I like them gauss guns.
M. L:  I do not believe that is what the author is talking about.

Disclaimer: All characters mentioned herein are the property of
Takahashi Rumiko and are used without permission on a solely
non-profit basis. All rights reserved to her and her authorized 
licensees.

JB:  Don't worry, frenchy's a lawyer.  Give'm a call if ya need one.

Note: '...Cats and Dogs' takes place within the first two months 
of Ranma's stay at the Tendou Dojo. 

JB:  Oh yeah. <giggles> I remember that guy.  Poor bastard.
M. L:  I believe that was very profitable.
JB:  Whadd'ya mean?
M. L:  The lawsuit, monsieur.
JB:  Oh yeah.  That Tendo kid, what was her name?
M. L:  Mademoiselle Nabiki.
JB:  That was great.  Maybe we should hire her frenchy?
M. L:  Non.  It would be a poor idea.  She would embezzle the money 
I am supposed to appropriate.
JB:  Yeah!  That is a good idea!   Teach both of ya's to be honest.

Part 1 
	It was just another day in the Lunch room of Furinkan
High. The students were eating, flirting, and gossiping. At one
table, Tendou Nabiki, with her assistants, sat plotting the odds

JB:  That's m'girl!

for the next Saotome fight. They considered the usual
questions. Who would he fight? How long would it take? Would
they even be able to hit him? Even such trivial things as 
over-unders on the number of punches and kicks thrown by 
Ranma in the course of a day had their own lucrative betting 
pools. If there was money to be made, chances were Nabiki 
would be there to capitalize on it. Her new special slow-motion 
camera and video equipment needed to determine the number 
of punches had already returned a twenty-four percent profit 
after only three weeks.

JB:  Such an enterprising young lady, frenchy.
M. L:  Mais oui.
JB:  You gotta use the bathroom or sumfin Frank?
M. L:  ...

	When questioned about the morality of her gambling
enterprises which often exploited her youngest sister's
fiancee, she justified it as the only way to offset the cost of
Ranma and his father living at the Tendou Dojo. After which she
would have likely issued notice of the approaching due date of
the offending questioner's owed loan. The truth was that the
lion's share of the money went towards the household budget for
the Tendou Dojo, with Nabiki taking for herself only enough to
cover her own operating costs and a fair commission.

JB:  Send her an application Frank!

	Other tables hosted the various clubs that made up
Furinkan's dynamic and often unorthodox social milieu. Every
sports team had its own table, even the full-contact chess
club.  Along with the typical after school programs, tables

JB:  Full-contact chess?
M. L:  Of course, monsieur.  It is very popular in France.

represented groups like the one for botany and the Wannabe
Magical Defenders of Japan and Nabiki's own Young Moguls
Association. In this fractious, factioned, society, even the
volunteer groups separated themselves. The Furinkan Joint

JB:  Sounds like the French.
M. L:  I resent that, Monsieur Bleux.

JB:  Hell, I resemble it.

Student-Teacher Ambulance Corps was one of the newest of
Furinkan's many clubs, established only three years ago shortly
after the enrollment of Tendou Akane. They sat apart from the
members of the support group for the victims of involuntary
hair removal (meetings every Tuesday and Friday) To protect
public safety and at the behest of the faculty, the rival fan
clubs, one for Tendou Akane and the other for the mysterious
Pig-tailed Girl, sat at opposite ends of the lunch room.

JB:  This is a pretty active school.  Where did they get these nuts from,
Frank?
M. L:  It is something in the water.

	Today, though, two groups were conspicuous in their
absence. The Drama Club, which included the infamous Tendou
Akane, was currently away for two weeks on a tour of Japan's
historic stage theaters. The Kendo Club was also currently
missing. Its Team Captain, Kunou Tatewaki, had actually 
deigned to attend school that day, but he and his club had 
not yet graced everyone in the lunch room with their exalted 
presence. Then, with a sudden crash of thunder, a loud voice 
rang out....

JB: IT'S THE TRUANCY OFFICER!

	"SAOTOME!!!" boomed Kunou, flanked by his Kendo Team. 
They walked to a table at the far end of the lunch room. At that
table sat Saotome Ranma and his friends. Among them was 
Kuonji Ukyou, one of Ranma's many fiancees.

JB:  Hey frenchy.  We need to hire this guy for our tele-vangilist program.
M. L:  I'll look into it.

	"Oh come on, Kunou. We're eating. What do you want now?"
replied Ukyou, with an impatient glare.
	"That is Upperclassmen Kunou to you, Knave!" he said, not
taking his eyes from Saotome.

JB: <flip flip flip> Ahh, I found it.  "Knave, n.  a male child or boy."  
I thought Ukyou was a chick?

	"Cut it out, Kunou! No one talks to Uc-chan like that
while I'm around," yelled an angry Ranma.

JB: YEAH! KICK HIS ASS KID! TEAR HIS TESTICLES OFF! [JB waves a victory fan.]
M. L:  Monsieur, be quiet.
JB:  Sorry frenchy, didn't think you liked this.
M. L:  I don't I am trying to get it to hurry up.

	"Vile Dog!! Only you, a lowly cur, an evil sorcerer and
beguiler of innocent women would dare take that tone with one
such as I, The Blue Thunder of Furinkan High School, Captain of
our undefeated Kendo Team, Rising Star of the Kendo World, 
and hero to all, Kunou Tatewaki, Junior, Class E," he
countered with a proud tone, drawing his bokken.

JB: <giggles>  I tell ya Frank, we gotta have this kid.  He's even more 
long-winded than that Baker guy.

	Looking at the bokken, and then Kunou himself, Ranma
smirked. "Blue Blunder is more like it Kun--," he retorted
before being cut off.
	"Silence!!!" roared Kunou with a mad look to his face.
Breathing heavily, eyes wide open, the veins in his neck
visibly throbbed in time with his pulse. The crazed swordsman
went on to say, "Thou art an uncouth Barbarian, a lowly
peasant, not fit even for the lowliest of menial labors and
most certainly unfit to marry the picture of Amazon grace and
fighting spirit that is Tendou Akane much less she who is the
blossoming wild flower, the embodiment of grace and delicacy, 
the one I have seen fit to christen my 'Osage no Onna' and while 
it would please me to no end to simply drag your diseased 
carcass from our esteemed cafeteria and strike you down with 
the sheer force of the righteous fury that is mine to command-- "

JB:  Hey, them's fightin' words!  Hey Frank, wake up!
M. L: <snorts> Pardon me, was I asleep?

	"More like the sheer force of his heinous breath. Which
could take down anyone, even me," Ranma countered under his
breath to Ukyou. His best friend looked at him and put a hand
over her mouth, trying to hide her amusement.
	Finally, Ukyou took her hand away and replied, "Kunou's
got a better chance beating you with his breath than that
bokken. Still, I don't know why you let him get away with
saying that about you. If he said half those things about me,
I'd have kicked his butt by now. I still might. This is

ridiculous Ran-chan, he's done everything but call you a ronin.

JB:  What's a ramen?
M. L:  Ronin.
JB:  Ya' mean that gourmet soup?
M. L: ...

No one can talk to MY fiancee like that and get away with it."
	Ranma shrugged his shoulders and whispered back, "Don't
worry about it Uc-chan. Everyone knows Kunou's crazy. No one
cares what he says. It's nothing. He yells at me whenever he
sees me as a guy and challenges me at least once a day. It's

M. L: Its.  He means "It is."

annoying but I've almost gotten used to it by now. He'll always
blame me for everything that happens. Who cares? Just don't get
involved O.K.? Last thing I want is Kunou starting in on you
too." He concluded, looking Ukyou right in the eye.

M. L: <yawns>  Perhaps, Monsieur Author should cut down on the monologues.
JB:  Whatt'ya talkin' about Frank?  This is good stuff. [munches popcorn]

	Ukyou sighed. "Fine, Ran-chan, I'll let it go." Turning
back to Kunou, Ranma didn't see one of Ukyou's hand slowly
start to move towards her bandolier.  She was comforted when

M. L: Bandoleer.
JB:  Like them Mexicans?

her fingers finally wrapped around one of her miniature
throwing spatulas. Caressing it lightly, her eyes shone with an
anticipatory gleam as she looked at Kunou. 'For now,' she added
silently.

	Meanwhile, Kunou had been oblivious to the exchange
between fiancees and still raged at Ranma. "-- mine to 

JB:  Holy hell! When did Ranma get engaged to Ukyou?
M. L:  Monsieur.  Shut up.
JB:  This guy is still jackin' his jaw?

command. Honor demands that I not and so I will postpone 
your richly deserved thrashing in order to give, even to the likes 
of you. I hereby formally challenge you for the hands of the 
spirited and beautiful Tendou Akane and the shapely and 
vivacious 'Osage no Onna'!!"

JB:  I lost on Jeopardy, baby... Ooooo hoo ooooo.

	When Kunou finally stopped, Ranma shrugged, "Go away,
Kunou. Akane isn't even here and I ain't gonna waste my time
with you when I can be eating one of Uc-chan's okonomiyakis..."

JB:  "Hmm, hello?  Chinese Takeout? Yeah, send over a bowl of uhh, oko.. 
uhhm, okonom... Uhh. Ya know, that stuff Ukyou makes. Uhh, ok."

	"Not surprising that you would seek to avoid the
humiliation that we both know is coming to you. My wrath, like
the tide itself, is unavoidable, relentless and without mercy.
Your time has come and it is far past due for me to collect

>from you what is rightfully mine, Saotome," pontificated Kunou.

JB:  Excuse you!  Didn't your mama teach you better manners?
M. L:  It means to talk like an evangelist, monsieur.
JB:  Oh yeah.  I knew that.

	"What does Ranma owe you, Kunou-chan? The only one 
Ranma owes anything to around here is me, and I would 
definitely know," interrupted Nabiki from the crowd that had 
quickly gathered around Ranma's table.
	"I speak not of matters of finance, Tendou Nabiki so
bestill your forked tongue!!" screamed Kunou.

JB:  Jeez, maybe it's time Ranma hired a CPA?

	"Whatever you say, Kunou-chan," Nabiki shot back in a
falsely humble tone.

JB:  Humble my butt!

	"AND YOU WILL DESIST IN CALLING ME THAT!!!" raged 
Kunou. If possible, he appeared to be more upset talking with Nabiki
than he was railing against Ranma.
	"Why, whatever do you mean Kunou-chan?" questioned 
Nabiki innocently. The grin on her face made it clear to everyone that
she enjoyed baiting him.
	"That!! I mean that!!"
	"But I've never called you 'that', Kunou-chan," oozed
Nabiki with the false sincerity most commonly seen on
politicians and used-car salesmen. Her posture and expression
were practically screaming 'who... me?'
	Finally, Kunou reached his limit. "ARGH!!!" he shrieked,
"Silence, Woman!!! Even the likes of you can not dissuade me

>from my divine quest. As Galahad found the Holy Grail where all

others failed, so too shall I defeat the Vile Saotome and free
the two halves of my heart from his lecherous clutches." His

words were punctuated with a grand swing of his Bokken.

JB:  Yuck!
M. L:  What are you talking about?
JB:  Being a lecher, that's gross.  Body parts and stuff fall off.
M. L:  He did not say, "leprous", he said "lecherous".  It means to be 
sexually perverted.  Much like yourself.
JB:  Ah still don' like it.  What's wrong with bein' a Red-blooded 'merican?
M. L:  He is not cursed with that epithet.
JB:  Ya mean lecherous?
M. L:  No, American.

	Nabiki stood there, the picture of calm in the face
of Kunou's fury. "Kunou-baby, you really don't have a clue, do
you?" Her words almost conveyed pity.
	For his part, Ranma was busy once again cursing his father
for ever engaging him to Akane and bringing them both to
Nerima. 'Oh yeah, when I get home, the first thing I do is beat

M. L:  I don't believe Ranma's father brought Akane to Nerima.

up Pop.'  Turning to her, he said out loud to, "Come on Nabiki.
Stop it and let him finish or else we'll end up having to
listen to this for the rest of lunch. All right?"

JB:  My pappy tried to arrange a marriage for me, once.
M. L:  Oh really, monsieur?
JB:  Yeah, I told there was no way in hell Ah'd marry the queen of Germany.
M. L:  Monsieur, Germany has not had a monarchy since the first World War.
JB:  And good riddance too.  If it's one thing, it's Germans with a King.

	Seeing Ranma squirm, Nabiki couldn't help but drive the
nail in a little deeper. She walked to Ranma and whispered.
"Well I don't know, Ranma, this is just SO much fun. I mean,
with our Rising Star over here", she beckoned to Kunou. "I can
keep this up for hours." Her face practically glowed with
mischievous joy.

JB:  Man, what a  * mmmf *.
M. L:  That is not a polite word.
JB:  I was gonna say witch...

	Standing there, Ranma looked for all the world as if he
was a man on his way to the gallows. "Nabiki, lunch is almost
over, give me a break, stop playing around and let Kunou finish
his stupid speech!"
	Nabiki, starting to get bored now, sighed dramatically,
"Now all right, Ranma-kun, since you asked so nicely. As a
favor for you." Closing her trap, Nabiki looked quite pleased 
with herself.
	Without a choice, he acquiesced with a resigned sigh.
"Fine Nabiki, whatever," He knew that he owed Nabiki yet
another favor, and she always collected.
     "As for you, Kunou," Ranma said, turning his attention
back to the mad Kendoist. "Akane isn't mine to give you. She's
free to do whatever she wants. It isn't like I care what that
kawaiikune tomboy does. You can forget about your 'Osage no

JB:  Kiwi kooney?  Whazzat?
M. L:  It means "un-cute".

Onna', though. I know for a fact that she hates you and that
you two will never get together. Not in this lifetime pal! So
why don't you go play somewhere else and let me eat in peace?
OK?"
	"No, fool, It is most certainly not 'OK' as you say."
Kunou breathed with the scorn dripping from his voice and his
bokken swinging. Since Ranma had mentioned Ranko, his swings
had started to inch forward, closer to Ranma with each
sentence. "It is known to all how you hold sway over both, that
even as Tendou Akane would resist you, she is overwhelmed by
your black magicks. My 'Osage no Onna' is completely within
your power, to the degree that she would be compelled to reject
one such as I. So do not seek to deceive me, Saotome, with your
gilded words and casual airs, for I know better. On the other

JB:  What's he mean, gelded words?
M. L:  Gilded.  It means silver-coated.  Much like a politician, 
or in your case everything you say.
JB:  Ahh, frenchy, I didn't think you cared.

hand, if you are such the coward that you would lie so
desperately in efforts to escape your punishment I will be
merciful, even to the likes of you who so clearly does not
deserve such consideration. Simply forfeit your claims to my
loves and I shall spare you....such would be the largess of my
happiness." His last swing came within a few inches from
Ranma's head.

	Ranma suddenly got up and pushed the bokken out of his
face. "Coward?!?!?! You are calling ME a COWARD?!? That's it!

JB:  Open up a can a'whoop ass kid!

I've had it! I tried to be nice, but no! This is what I get for
trying to talk some sense into that thick head of yours! Fine,
you want a fight, you got one. Right after school, the field
behind the lunch room. Be there." With that he grabbed his
bento box, looked once at Ukyou, nodded, and started walking
out of the lunch room.
	"Sure as the sun rises at dawn, I will be there, Saotome.
For you and I have a date with destiny. As the gods of Asgard
had their Ragnarok, even you, Spawn of Loki, shall have your
comeuppance! Make your peace with whatever Dark Spirits you
pray to, because your time of Reckoning is at hand!" yelled
Kunou to Saotome's back.

End Part 1

JB:  So what'd ya think, frenchy?
M. L: <snores> Quoi? Q'est que c'est?  Oh, pardon moi.  You were 
saying monsieur?
JB:  Jeez frenchy, I can't take you nowhere.  Well, I guess we'll 
have to watch part 2.  What'cha doin' tomorrow, frenchy?
M. L:  I have to give my cat a bath.
JB:  You gave your cat a bath yesterday!  What's a matter frenchy?  
I got bad b.o.?
M. L:  Monsieur.  You are a boor, and a bore.  Untie me this instant.
JB:  Do I get a cookie, Frank?
M. L:  MONSIEUR!  I AM NOT A KEEBLER ELF! UNTIE ME ZIS INSTANT!
JB:  Ahh, comeon Frank, can't'cha take a joke?
M. L: <aura begins to form around the Elvish Lawyer>
JB:  Hey purty!  Hey Frank! <BOOM>

In Part 2: Find out why Kunou seems to have finally lost it 
and meet his ace in the hole. 

JB:  Find out if Frank actually kills me!
M. L:  Mon dieu.
_______________________________________________________________
|Sean Hayden  
ICQ#7086647
      
|Maxwell Edison, Majoring In Medicine                                      
|AKA Flinx, PolyFlinxter (100%!) Thomas Beaver, Radar, Coach  
|Counselor, Scientific, Fox, M.H.L. ad nauseum.                        
|Ex-Sysop, Reformed Catholic, writer, statesman, ex-sailor and
|wannabe millionaire.  (Not really, but I'm working on it.)   
|(Does that mean I get to play doctor?)                       
_______________________________________________________________