Yoiko:  Hey, Ryoga, how come you get lost ALL the time?

Ryoga:  I'm not doing it.  And I don't get lost ALL the time.

Yoiko:  You do get lost a lot, though, and when you get lost you're REALLY
        lost!

Ryoga:  That's not the point!  The point is, I'm not doing this How-Come
        thing anymore!

Ranma:  Aw, what's the matter, P-Chan?  Can't handle a little SPAMfic?

Ryoga:  Shut up, Ranma!

Yoiko:  Pleeeeeease, Ryoga?

Ryoga:  No way!  Look what happened to me in the last SPAMfic I did for
        you!

Yoiko:  This one won't have any bald spot, I promise!  Pretty please?
        (puppy-dog eyes)

Ryoga:  ...I guess.  *sigh*

Yoiko:  Hey, Ryoga, how come you get lost ALL the time?

Ryoga:  There's a SPAMfic in that...



Really Lost

A How-Come fic by Cindy Toler


        "Where the Hell am I now?" Ryoga mumbled, shaking his head.  He
felt odd for a few moments, as though he didn't quite fit in his skin, and
then the feeling passed.   Filled with rage and disgust for some unknown
reason, he let out a wild yell and kicked a nearby tree, causing it to
shatter.  The mindless destruction felt so good, he leveled about twenty
more trees, cutting a wide swath through the wooded area.  He might not
remember why he was so upset, but the mix of fury, humiliation and nausea
must be related to Ranma somehow.  He stood for a moment in the clearing he
had created, panting slightly, then shouldered his pack and made a beeline
for Nerima.

        <Subject is heading towards his home again.>

        *Same sense of direction as his parents.  It must run in the genes.
         Redirect the subject.*

        Ryoga blinked and found himself back where he had started, standing
by a pile of kindling that had once been a score of trees.  The rage
swelled in him again, and he whipped off his belt, marking the trees as he
ran, once again headed directly toward Nerima.

        <Subject is homeward bound again.>

        *This subject seems to be nearly untrainable.*

        <The whole family has made a fascinating study, though.>

        *Agreed.  Redirect the subject again.*

        Ryoga found himself standing once again at the starting point.  A
growl started low in his chest, then he threw his head back and roared
heavenward, "Where the Hell am I NOW???"
        No answer came from the heavens, but Ryoga wasn't really expecting
one.  Looking around, he saw that the marks he had cut into the trees
showed him taking off in one direction and coming in from the opposite way.
Obviously, he wasn't going to get to Nerima any time soon.  Ignoring
whatever impulse was prodding him to run, he deliberately built a fire with
his handmade kindling and sat down, stubbornly determined to stay at least
long enough to cook and eat some lunch.

        <Subject isn't moving.>

        *Give him a prod, then.  Exasperating little...*

        Ryoga leaped up.  There was no time for food - what if Akane needed
him?  His throat tight with his sudden panic, he quickly doused the fire
and took off, running swiftly.

        <Ah, now he's moving!>

        *That particular nerve center is a strong motivator.  I wonder what
         it is he feels.*

        Ryoga ran, half-blinded with terror.  Something was after him, some
creature, some nightmare with claws and teeth and - Good God!  They'd get
AKANE if he didn't hurry!

        *Let's see if he'll follow the directional impulses now.*

        A snarling creature leaped toward him, and Ryoga dodged, jumping
away from it before its jaws could close on him.  He bounded past several
more of them, changing directions midair at times to avoid their deadly
teeth.


        <It's working!  We must examine him again after this run.>

        *Of course.  I'd like to try and determine what the motivating
         factor is.  He's almost through!*

        <He's finishing in record time!>

        *Exasperating, but a fine subject.  Let's retrieve him and run some
         more tests.*

        Ryoga brushed his sweaty bangs out of his eyes, and squinted up
at...the Sphinx?  That wasn't even in Japan!  How on Earth did he end up
here?
        A sudden chill fell over him as a huge craft blocked the blistering
sun and hovered in the sky above him.  Ryoga looked up at it, his jaw slack
and eyes wide as memories suddenly started to flood back.  Too late, he
remembered the teleport beam.  He was snared in it and drawn up before he
even had a chance to breathe.

        <We have him.>

        *Good, let's move.*

        The ship pulled away smoothly, this time without bumping anything.
There had been Hell to pay when they had nicked the nose of that statue...


        Ryoga stared numbly up at the light, the outlines of a few bizarre
devices barely discernible in the shadows beyond.  He was naked, on a cold
metal table.  He couldn't move, couldn't speak...  He stared up at the
light, and heard THEM coming to get him.

        <Poor thing looks frightened.>

        *I do wish you wouldn't get such fanciful notions.  They aren't
         sentient; we proved that conclusively with the "Rush Limbaugh"
         subject.*

        <He may not be sentient, but I do believe he has feelings.  He
         could be frightened...  Imagine being taken away from your world
         to a place you don't know and can't understand.>

        *Naturally, I would be upset.  But I am sentient; there is a vast
         difference.*

        <Don't worry, human subject.  It will be all right.>

        Ryoga felt a soft, three-fingered hand gently stroking his hair,
and his wide-open eyes locked on the sight of one of THEM bending over him.
He struggled to speak, to force his frozen lips to form some kind of
intelligible sound.

        <He almost looks as though he's trying to speak.>

        *If you are quite through petting the subject...*

        The hand jerked away, and Ryoga struggled even more desperately to
force some kind of sound from his throat.  Hands gently turned his head as
one of THEM inspected his eyes and ears.  THEY left his head turned to one
side as the examination proceeded, and he saw a wall full of monitors.
Several of THEM stood in front of the monitors, guiding little colored
blips of light through a series of twists and turns.  It looked for all the
world like a video game, or a bunch of rats racing through a maze...

        *I'll begin collecting samples of bodily fluids, you prepare the probe.*

        Ryoga screamed silently in horror....


        Ryoga shook his head and looked around him.  A mountain.  How had
he ended up on a mountain?  He wrestled with a surge of the inexplicable
shame and fury that he found so troubling... then a sudden fear gripped him
and he was off and running, back in the rat race again.




Yoiko:  Whaddya think?

Ryoga:  Do you hate me or something?

Yoiko:  NO!  You're my favorite!

Ranma:  Why are you so upset, P-Chan?  Hey, what kind of probe was that,
        anyway?

Ryoga:  J-just shut up!!

Ranma:  Oh, THAT kind of probe...

Ryoga:  I said shut up!!!

Yoiko:  Oh, please don't be upset, Ryoga!  It was supposed to be funny!

Ryoga:  I'm not laughing.

Ranma:  I am!

Ryoga:  SHUT UP!

Yoiko:  What if I did a different fic for that question?

Ryoga:  Really?

Yoiko:  Sure.  Anything to make you happy. ^_^

Ryoga:  ...Ok.

Yoiko:  Hey, Ryoga, how come you get lost ALL the time?

Ryoga:  There's a SPAMfic in that...


Still Lost

A How-Come fic by Cindy Toler


        "Where the Hell am I now?" Ryoga muttered under his breath.  He was
walking on a crowded street, aimlessly moving along as the people jostled
him.  There were signs all over the place that might give him a clue to his
location, but the crowd kept him moving at too fast a rate to stop and
sound any of them out, and he was not about to interrupt the flow of
traffic and draw attention to himself.  He was always very careful not to
let on that he had trouble reading.



Ryoga:  Hold it right there.  What are you doing?  You're making me
        illiterate now?

Yoiko:  Hey, illiterate doesn't mean stupid or anything!  I just thought it
        might make sense...  You know, like when you first got to Furinkan
        High and had to sound out the sign really slowly?  And you did have
        an awfully hard time writing that letter in "the Breaking Point."

Ranma:  Hey, that'd explain a lot, you know.

Ryoga:  You shut up!  And you, Yoiko, how can you say I'm your favorite
        when you write stuff like this about me?  First I'm bald, then I'm
        illiterate?

Yoiko:  *sigh*  Ok.  You want a different story?

Ryoga:  I don't want ANY story!  (Yoiko whispers in his ear)  ...Ok, but
        this is your last shot.

Yoiko:  Hey, Ryoga, how come you get lost ALL the time?

Ryoga:  There's a SPAMfic in that...


Not So Lost

A How-Come fic by Cindy Toler


        "Ranma Saotome, prepare to die!" Ryoga cried, a few moments before
he leaped towards the grinning martial artist.
        "Hey, P-Chan!  Long time, no see!" Ranma said cheerfully, dodging
with ease.  Ryoga gritted his teeth in an effort to keep a straight face,
and attacked with renewed vigor.  It wasn't very often that he really got
to put his martial arts skills to the test, and he did look forward to his
visits to Nerima.  He pulled his best mock scowl for Ranma's benefit - he
wouldn't want it to appear that he was just picking fights for the fun of
it.
        Just as things were starting to get really good, the bandanna he
always wore buzzed in a nearly silent signal.  Ryoga yelled incoherently to
cover up the slight noise, and sent his umbrella sailing.  He ran off after
it, pretending to have totally lost track of Ranma in the process.
        "Ranma Saotome, you won't escape me that easily!" he bellowed for
good measure.  As soon as he had put a safe enough distance between himself
and Ranma, he stopped and shrugged his pack off, dug in it for a moment and
pulled out a small transmitter.
        "Hibiki here.  This better be good."
        "Ah,  Agent 0013, good of you to respond so quickly!" a sultry
female voice purred.  "There's a situation brewing in Canada..."
        "Right.  And the rendezvous?"  Ryoga memorized the time and
location of his meeting with Agent 0742, then broke off the transmission,
ignoring Miss Hennypenny's efforts to arrange a rendezvous with him of her
own.  It might take him a few days to settle those troublesome Canadians,
and it could possibly be weeks or even months before he could come back for
another sparring session.  He shouldered his pack again with a sigh.  A
spy's work was never done...


Yoiko:  That's it!  ^_^  Whaddya think?

Ranma:  I think you're sucking up, is what I think.

Ryoga:  Oh, grow up, Ranma.  You're just jealous.

Ranma:  Jealous of what, Porky?

Ryoga:  Jealous because I get to be a Double-O-Seven type of guy, while
        you're still an arrogant jerk.  And you could never get the
        attention of a woman like Miss Hennypenny.

Ranma:  That was a disembodied voice in a fic!  How pathetic can you
        possibly get?

Ryoga:  You wanna see pathetic?  I'll show you pathetic!  Just look in the
        mirror!

Yoiko:  (lightly stepping out of the way as Ranma and Ryoga start
        "sparring" in earnest)  That's it, folks! ^_^  Comments, if you
        have any, are very welcome at "yoiko@earthlink.net"  Hopefully,
        there will be more How-Come fics.  How come Kasumi and Belldandy
        sound just alike?  There's a SPAMfic in that... ^_~


Author's notes:  No sentient beings were harmed in the writing of this fic.
No copyright infringement of the works of Rumiko Takahashi, Ian Fleming or
the Brothers Grimm is intended.  No offense is intended to Canadians,
spies, illiterate people, tree huggers, martial artists or anyone else I
might have offended. ^_~

Fourth Disciple of Ryouga, Guardian of the Sacred Walnut Grove
Hentai Hymn Leader of the Church of the Black Rose

Yoiko's Home Page:  http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7183