(Sorry if this comes through twice - this machine isn't being very
friendly this evening - N/U/S)
NARRABUNDAH 1/2
created by Urac Sigma and Suzy Styles
Volume III, chapter three
Okaasan - Shinitakunaidesuwa!
by Nicole Wylie
CAST OF CHARACTERS
TENDO SUZY
TENDO NIKI
Dojo denizens
SIGMATOME RATBAT
SIGMATOME LEN
About to become ex-dojo denizens.
Well, maybe not - they could be buried there.
SIGMATOME NICOLE
Fourteen going on forty
KUONJI COLLEEN
Kansai Queen
HAPPOUSAI GRAHAM
First hentai in orbit
TENDO FIONA
Good girl!
Two
TALL, BLONDE TWINS
They have a TANK!
[Open on blank screen.]
SUZY [VO]: Last time on Narrabundah 1/2...
0. LIVING ROOM.
[From the end of last episode:]
NICOLE: Now Len dear, and Ratbat, you too. All that
needs to be said has been said, so...
[She pauses dramatically. Len ignores her in
favour of the shogi board and the gin. Nicole
sighs and turns to Ratbat, who is fighting
quietly with Suzy.]
NICOLE: ...it is time for you to commit seppuku.
[That gets their attention.]
TITLE SEQUENCE.
[Hentai, the opening theme, begins playing, with
it the usual opening shots of Suzy and Ratbat
doing their impossibly high anime leaps, etc.]
SUZY [VO]: Okaasan, shinitakunaidesuwa![1]
[1] Mother, I don't want to die!
1. LIVING ROOM.
[Establishing shot - right where we were before,
actually. For those of you skipping around these
episodes (naughty naughty) this is in the
Tendos' living room, right after Nicole has made
her rather dramatic announcement. Ratbat and Len
are sweating, Suzy is face-faulting, Niki looks
crafty, Fiona is smiling sweetly[2] and Bobbi
looks totally spaced out. B-Chan, who has just
entered, is looking completely oblivious as he
settles into Suzy's lap.. In short, not all that
different from the normal situation, despite the
dire threat facing Len and Ratbat. Which gives
you an idea of how seriously things are taken
around here. Or alternately, how often
situations like this crop up in the dojo.[3]]
[2] Like she ever does anything else. (Weeell, except maybe
when...)
[3] Well, I guess it's understandable - how many people do you
know who are engaged to at least two different people of the
same sex as they are who both tend to have brief but violent
urges to inflict bodily harm upon their fiance using either a
mallet or a spatula. Looking at it that way, I guess it's
kinda nice that Ratti's gradutated from blunt-object injuries
to bladed ones. Or maybe not.
LEN & RATBAT:NANI! But... but...
NICOLE: You promised to make him a man amongst men, Len.
You swore you'd both commit seppuku if you
failed.
LEN [desperate]: who says I failed?
NICOLE [with great patience that only her sweet manner saves
from being patronising]: Len, look around you.
Do you see any other men? Anything that isn't
feminine ?
RATBAT [Under breath]: Besides Suzy, you mean?
SUZY: I heard that, you--
NIKI: Oooh Suzy! Come be feminine with me.
[Grins her mock sexy grin. Suzy, miffed, plays
along but without her usual, er, abandon. Niki
notices this.]
NIKI [VO]: Maybe we should get Nicole in on this game,
spice it up a bit...
[This train of thought is interrupted by Nicole,
who has continued speaking.]
NICOLE: You were supposed to make him a man amongst men,
but you made him a... a... a hot-water girl!
SUZY: That's an interesting choice of words...
[Trails off, obviously imagining something.
Probably a gutter something, given her
expression.]
[At this point, Ratbat-chan desperately cuts
in.]
RATBAT: But 'ow can I be a 'man amongst men' when I'm
living in a house full of women?!
NICOLE: That should be self evident. Anyway, a promise
is a promise, you will commit seppuku.
RATBAT [desperate]: Or what? how's a fourteen-year-old
girl going to make me?
LEN: Trust me. She can.
[At his stage Nicole's ears are beginning to go
red. In short, she's getting ticked, verrrry
ticked, probably at Ratbat's unmanly attitude.
Len notices this and begins sweating even more
profusely.]
LEN [grovelling]:
Hedidn'tmeanitandevenifhedidhe'sverysorrysoverys
orryandpromisestorespectyou fromnowonreally.
NICOLE [misunderstanding[4]]: I knew you'd see it my way. I'll
go and prepare the things you'll need for the
ritual.
[4] People seem to be doing a lot of that, don't they?
[Leaves.]
[Len does the sensible thing, which is to faint.
Niki sighs, and gets a bucket of cold water and
douses him to wake him up.]
NIKI [whispering]:Psst. Len. For five hundred yen I can save
your skin.
[Len holds up a sign. It reads:]
['�500 to save this panda/human's pelt? you must
be joking! My skin's worth at least �2000.']
[Niki face-faults - this is the first time
anyone has actually upped her price.]
NIKI [pretending to consider]: Ja, I guess you have a
point, but why should I settle for only 2000
yen? It is, after all, a very good example of
fur. 2500 yen.
[Len holds up a sign reading:]
['3000 - It's not often a skin this good comes
along.']
NIKI: Done!
[Len grins. Then face faults. Now it's Niki
that's grinning. Len's sign now reads:]
['Ano, Niki, could I discuss something with
you?']
NIKI: The price of your skin? You want to try saving
it yourself? Well, just for you, I'll let it go
cheap. 8000 yen.
[Len's sign now, understandably, has written on
it:]
['Never mind.']
[Nicole returns, dressed in a full ceremonial
cream coloured kimono. She is carrying a kettle
and her katana. The katana no longer resembles a
baguette. Now it looks just plain nasty. Len
looks desperately towards Niki, who appears
utterly unconcerned as she counts a fist full of
money. Nodding to herself she stuffs the bank
roll into her brassiere.[5]]
[5] Now we know why her bust size is so huge. Another illusion
shattered. I wonder if Suzy's figured it out yet?
NICOLE [sounding vaguely Kunou-esque]:Are you prepared? [To
herself] Silly question.
RATBAT: Iie. How about a little time to fully
meditate...
[Grabs the hot teakettle and upends it over
herself. Who is now himself.]
RATBAT: ...on my masculinity?
NICOLE: Granted. It takes much time to think through
your personal philosophies. People have taken
decades sitting on top of lonely mountains or in
caves with immovable boulders over the most
obvious entryway, their only reminder of the
outside world a single lace-edged Warners bra,
their thoughts on where they went wrong. And it
was good for them, I'm sure. Well, most of them
learned something. I guess Graham's just
incorrigible. Anyway, I suppose I must in all
fairness allow you a similar time for
contemplation. You have two minutes.
RATBAT: TWO MINUTES?!!? that old hentai Happousai Graham
got a decade!
NICOLE: I said 'a similar time' not 'the same time'.
Anyhow, in ten years I'll be twenty four. A real
middle aged lady. sighs Youth is wasted on the
young.
[Right at that moment there is a scuffle outside
the dojo. We can't actually see this, as we're
inside, but we can certainly hear it, as can the
dojo denizens. With typically short attention
spans, they all, with the exception of Fiona,
wander over to the window and look out...]
2. ON THE STREET.
[Another establishing shot. Well, not really I
guess, unless we want to establish once again
that Graham is always being chased by hordes of
women.]
[Check that.]
[Hordes of angry women.]
[OK, OK...]
[Hordes of angry women gainaxing all over the
place[6] because the little hentai has stolen
their bras and... other assorted items of
apparel.]
[6] Hey, maybe that's why these crowd plot devices always
evaporate so quickly in Ranma 1/2 - it hurts to try and keep
up with the little bugger!
[Graham, looking remarkably unconcerned, is
fondling a charming little cream number in each
hand. The panties are identical. As are the two
women with the masses of blonde hair and the cat
ears that are driving and gunning[7] the WorldWar
I vintage tank that is heading the charge.]
[7] Well, there are two of them.
SUZY, RATBAT & NICOLE [simultaneously]: They have a TANK!
Ooooh, I'm so jealous!
GRAHAM: MMMmmm. Pretty Puma sisters. A lovely matched
set!
[While we are wondering whether he is referring
to the twins or their underwear, Graham et al
disappear around a corner. The camera zooms back
to the dojo denizens, who reluctantly move away
from the window back inside.]
3. LIVING ROOM.
NICOLE: Time's up.
RATBAT: But, but...
[At that moment a breeze gushes through the
room, ruffling the hair of Suzy, Niki, Ratbat,
Fiona, and Nicole.]
[As the camera pans, we see Happousai Graham
standing contentedly in a corner admiring his
latest acquisitions. IE. the Dojo ladies'
underwear.]
RATBAT: I dinna want to commit seppuku no da!
[At this Graham starts, looking visibly shaken.]
NICOLE: But you must. Honour is at stake. Or something.
It was much clearer when I was forty.
[Graham now has the little anime sweat bead on
his forehead.]
GRAHAM [VO]: Ratbat - seppuku? And lose the only glomp with
both hand and foot holds? Not in this lifetime!
GRAHAM: Ano, Sigmatome-san... you seem to be forgetting
something
NICOLE: Nani? what could that be? I have the katana and
the...
GRAHAM: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in the
world. Largely because Ratti's hogging them all.
It would be a pity to ruin such a perfect set by
slicing up the bottom two.
NICOLE: That's immaterial. [As Graham starts to protest]
Tell you what, afterwards, you can have her
lingerie.
[Graham begins drooling as over his head a set
of old fashioned scales appear, Ratti-chan on
the one side and a mound of underwear on the
other. Abruptly the scales vanish with a pop,
and a lightbulb appears. Graham assumes a crafty
expression.]
GRAHAM: A question, then?
NICOLE: Hai, but just the one.
GRAHAM: What exactly, word for word, did Len promise
you?
NICOLE: He and Bobbi were drinking scotch and playing
go, as they do, just before he and Ratbat-kun
left for China. I said, 'Do you promise to raise
him to be a man amongst men?' He said, 'Yes,
dear.' I then asked, 'Do you promise to both
commit seppuku if he isn't?' He said, 'Yes,
dear.'
GRAHAM: That's all? you're sure?
[Len holds up a sign. It reads 'That's a pretty
bloody lot if you ask me!']
NICOLE [to Graham]: Hai.
GRAHAM: Well then, he and Ratti-cha... er Ratti-kun must
commit seppuku.
[Suzy, Ratbat, and Len face-fault.]
GRAHAM: At least, they must at some time in the future.
You never specified a time limit, did you?
NICOLE: Iie. I wanted to give him as much leeway as
possible to raise our son.
GRAHAM: So Ratbat, Len, as long as sometime before you
die, you commit seppuku, you've kept your
promise. There, that's my revenge for foiling my
dojo hostile takeover bid!
[Graham beams. The rest [or at least, those who
are paying attention] look thunderstruck.]
RATBAT: A life sentence instead of the death penalty. I
can live with that.
[Len looks similarly relieved. Nicole looks
slightly disappointed.]
NICOLE: How did I know someone would bring up that
little point?[8] Ah well, at least Fiona and I
won't have to wash the blood out of the floor
boards.
[8] It's a valid question, actually. I suppose that, after all,
she is the author's character.
[Graham, giggling in that special Graham way,
grabs the now-cold teakettle[9] and douses Ratti-
kun. As she becomes Ratti-chan, he jumps and
glomps. Ratbat, of course, screams and batts him
off. He bounds through the house, laughing
madly. A few moments later he is back, with a
brand new panty bag, stuffed to the brim with
all, and I mean all, of the female underwear in
the dojo.]
[9] Yes, I know they get cold quickly or stay hot forever.
Consider it literary licence.
[A loud, female scream is heard from the
training hall. All females in the living room
look at each other, count heads, and then look
towards the hall.]
COLLEEN [OOV]: Hentai!
NIKI: Hold it! What are you doing! I still have gold
sovereigns in that bra!
GRAHAM: Well, Sigmatome-san did say I could have all the
lingerie after it's over!
NIKI: All of Ratbat's lingerie, you idiot!
GRAHAM: Hee hee, too late.
[And indeed it is - at that moment Nicole grabs
Graham around the chest[10] and smiles sweetly.]
[10] I know, it's a nice change from the norm, isn't it?
GRAHAM: NAAANI!? What are you doing?
[Nicole, still smiling, drop-kicks him through
the roof, leaving a lovely Graham shaped hole in
the ceiling, and a trail of acrid, singed
panties in his wake.]
NICOLE [in best flight attendant's voice]: Please refrain
from having your panties smoke during the
flight. We hope you enjoy the journey to your
destination; next episode.
[Turning, she gathers up the kettle and the
katana.]
NICOLE [to Ratbat]: Don't worry, my son, we'll find a way
to remove this curse of femininity from your
manly form.
[Leaves.]
RATBAT: It's, it's over.
[Len holds up a sign, it reads: Well, Niki, it's
over, I want my money back.]
NIKI: Why?
[The sign now says: You didn't save my life,
Graham did.]
NIKI: I never said I'd save your life, just that I'd
save your skin. A haute couture fashion house
would pay a fortune for that pelt of yours. Now
you have two choices; hand it over or buy it
from me for ten thousand yen.
[Len's sign reads: 10000 yen! it was only worth
8000 a minute ago!]
NIKI: That's inflation for you. Pay up or I'll sue.
[From somewhere in the depths of his fur [We're
not going to think about exactly where, are we?]
Len pulls out a bank roll, counts it, and hands
the lot to Niki.]
NIKI: It's a pleasure doing business with you.
[Fade to black.]
4. CORRIDOR IN DOJO.
[When the screen lightens it is later that day,
in the corridor leading to the practice hall. A
pair of slipper-clad feet are walking down the
hall towards the training room. From inside we
hear Suzy's and Ratbat's voices, slightly
muffled.]
5. DOJO PROPER.
[The next shot is inside the hall, where Suzy
and Ratbat are sitting, talking. Suzy is
practicing throwing moderately sized mallets at
a Ratbat shaped target on the wall containing
the doorway.[11] She's pretty good at it too.]
[11] IE, the wall that divides the hallway from the training
salle of the dojo.
[Suzy throws overarm, hits the target's head.
Ratbat flinches slightly.]
[Suzy throws underarm, still hitting the
target's head. Ratbat winces visibly.]
[Suzy turns and throws backwards. Hits the upper
corner of the wall, where it joins the roof.
There is a splintering sound and then a thud as
something falls from that corner on the hallway
side of the wall. Ratbat smiles, Suzy looks
briefly worried, and stops throwing the
mallets.]
[Cut to:]
6. CORRIDOR IN DOJO.
[The feet, having arrived, pause just outside
the closed door with the apparent intention of
going in. Before they do, however, we cut back
in to the training room.]
RATBAT: Suzy?
SUZY: Hai?
RATBAT: I'm in deep shit.
SUZY: I don't know why you're complaining, you're
alive, aren't you?
RATBAT: Hai. but I won't be for long once Nicole...
okaasan, I mean, figures it out.
SUZY: Once Nicole figures what out?
RATBAT: That this female body is more than just skin
deep. That it's the real me.
[Pause.]
SUZY: Ratti-chan?
RATBAT: Hai?
SUZY: You're in deep shit.
7. CORRIDOR IN DOJO.
[Cut to the feet outside, from the angle of the
legs, it appears the person to whom they belong
is leaning on the wall for support. After a
moment the feet turn and slowly walk away.]
[Fade to black.]
8. ON THE HILL.
[When we fade in again it is sunset. Nicole and
Ratbat are sitting on a hill watching the bay.]
NICOLE: Do you ever get the feeling that you're just a
character in a book or badly written anime
script, put into crazy situations at the whim of
a capricious author?
RATBAT: Hai. Quite a lot lately. Whoever this author-
person is, if they exist, they've been a real
sadist lately. Maybe someone else took over for
a while. I want the first one back.
[Realising she has said more than she meant to,
Ratbat blushes and falls silent. Nicole gives
her a sidelong look but apparently decides to
let it pass.]
NICOLE: But you must admit they work on character
development - I know I've reverted a lot since
becoming fourteen again.
[Both are silent, Ratbat is thinking furiously.
The sun has set, leaving the sort of glowing
twilight you only really get in animes or cities
with high air pollution.]
[Suddenly Nicole gets up.]
NICOLE: You're right - they are sadistic.
RATBAT: Nani?
NICOLE: I just realised I'm not legal to drink anymore!
[Fade out.]
END CREDITS.
[With the ending theme Friends.]
Sigmatome Ratbat
URAC SIGMA
Tendo Suzy
SUZY STYLES
Sigmatome Len
LEN BOWEN
Sigmatome Nicole
NICOLE WYLIE
9. BATHROOM.
[Mix in. Fade music to background. We see Niki,
wrapped in a towel, having obviously just gotten
out. She has a troubled expression on her face.]
NIKI: That's really odd. I'm late. Normally I'm as
regular as one of my blackmail payments.
Speaking of which...
[At that moment Nicole comes in, wearing a
bathrobe, obviously preparing to take a bath.]
NICOLE: Oh, excuse me! My goodness Niki, you're looking
radiant today.
NIKI: Uh? Masaka...it couldn't be, could it?
[Dissolve. Music resumes.]
Happousai Graham
GRAHAM HENSTOCK
The Puma Twins
MITA YUKO
TOMIZAWA MICHIE
Tendo Niki
NIKI O'BRIEN
Kuonji Colleen
COLLEEN HICK
Written by
NICOLE WYLIE
Lingual assistance and editing
URAC SIGMA
Series created by
URAC SIGMA
and
SUZY STYLES
with apologies to
TAKAHASHI RUMIKO
MASAMUNE SHIROW
A Coyote Ink Risis production, in conjunction with a
Recycladelic Cacti effort
(c) Coyote Ink Risis/Recycladelic Cacti MCMXCVIII
C&C is like, *so* welcome. :)
(But Ratti promises not to be pathetic like last time.)
===
+--------------------------------------------------------------------+
| 'This is the medical bay, for sick people only; surely you |
| haven't broken out in a confusingly-filed pants rash?' - Kryten |
+--------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Urac 'Ratbat' Sigma, the Green Flame ratbat@rocketmail.com |
| To the Ratcave! http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/1778 |
+--------------------------------------------------------------------+
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