I'm not completely sure about the ending. It seems...a little
quick. In fact, I'm not quite sure about everything after Asuka and
Misato's breakfast together. Let me know what you think.


  As always, spoiler warnings: this is an altered continuity, after
episode 22.

  Here is the sequel to "I Mustn't Run Away" (I'd advise that it have
been recently read before reading this). This one is from Asuka's
perspective. I really hope I got it right.

  I also hope that this, along with the previous story, will show for
sure that I do really like Asuka. For real.

  This story (and "I Mustn't Run Away", retroactively) is for Michael
Borgwardt, in particular. Have fun.

************************************************
  An Oddzilla Productions fanfic, by Andrew Huang.
  In Other Words
  Based on Neon Genesis Evangelion, c. Gainax Studios and ADVision.
************************************************

  I opened my eyes. Strange, I didn't remember closing them.

  Actually, what _did_ I remember last? Ahh, my mind was too fuzzy. I
closed my eyes again. That was when I heard Misato and Shinji talking.
About me, it seemed.

  I would have sprung out of bed then--and I tried, but the blood loss
to my head only let me fall limply to the floor instead. I managed to
crawl to the door, where I lay for a few moments, listening. They were
talking about....

  My mother?

  I froze.

  Apparently, so had they, because there was now a long pause. It seemed
that Misato had finished her story about me. Shinji wasn't saying
anything.

  Oh, God, Shinji knew? About...about....

  "I almost wish I hadn't asked," he finally said.

  "But now you understand," answered Misato.

  "I...I think so. Maybe." He paused. "I'm going to check on her before
I go to bed."

  I panicked. I lurched to my feet, almost tripping on my blanket--I
hadn't realized that I had dragged it with me to my door--shuffled to my
bed, flopped down, and feigned sleep. It was not a moment too soon,
because I heard a soft knock an instant later, then the door sliding
open. I forced my face to relax, so as to make sure of the illusion of
blissful unconsciousness on my part. Hah, "forced my face to relax". How
odd.

  I've never tried to hide like this. Not that I can ever remember.

  I heard his soft footsteps and him cursing quietly when he kicked one
of the textbooks on the floor by accident. I was facing away from the
wall, towards him, and I cracked my eyelids a tiny bit open to look. I
quickly closed them again as I saw him kneel down next to me, feeling a
rush of air from the sudden movement. Apparently, his face was very
close to mine, now--I could hear his breathing clearly. What was he
doing?

  He sighed, and I felt a finger brush my cheek, making me quiver
involuntarily. But it was only because of his touch that I realized that
my cheek was wet.

  Wet?

  As my addled brain wriggled out the conclusion that I had been crying
for some reason, I felt something else, something softer, touch my
cheek, while some moving air tickled my ear. There was a whisper next:
"I...Asuka.... Get better." Then, he seemed to vanish. I could feel him
leave.

  I slowly sat up at the sound the closing door, and I touched my cheek
where he had...kissed me.

  I'm not sure why, but I started to cry again.

------------------------------------------------

  Shinji told me later of that first battle of his, with the Third
Angel, and how he had blanked out, then remembered the whole thing much
later. I was able to say that I knew exactly what that had been like....

  Recall usually starts with some sort of sensory input in the here-and-
now that is the same or similar to something that happened when you
first blank out. Shinji told me that a train rattling over some tracks
sounded very similar to the Angel pounding the EVA's head with its
energy spike. Mine was a sound, too. My own sobbing.

  I hate crying.

  Yellow light, gripping me. A hand from that light reaching into my
mind, heart, soul. An eye, looking at me. Cold, ruthless, searching.
Dirty, I felt dirty! I tried to hide, but there was nowhere to go. I saw
what it saw, I saw what I didn't want to see. No escape. No exit.

  Mother! You left me! Why did you leave me?

  Someone telling Rei to get something and defeat the Angel. No, not
that, that, that doll. To be saved by her? I'd rather die. I'd rather
have no one save me.

  No one...no one...no one no onenoonenoonesomeone?

  Yes, someone. Holding me, tight, with strong arms. Here and now.

  "Shin...?" I heard myself ask.

  "No, Asuka, but I'm right here," answered a mature female voice. "You
were having a nightmare. It's okay. Shh, shh...." A gentle hand stroked
my hair.

  I think I almost felt disappointed, but any human contact now was
sorely needed comfort. "Ma...ma..." though I knew immediately it wasn't
Mama. I found myself shifting around to hug Misato, as the rest flew
back to me.

  Yes, someone. Him. _Him_. Me. Me, moving. Me, moving out of the light,
towards the doll. Taking that thing, turning around, throwing. It was
done.

  No, it wasn't done. Sitting outside. Someone coming. Him, again. Him,
talking. Him, grabbing me. Me, crying. I hate crying, but maybe not so
much now. Me, crying more, talking. Him...crying, too? Him, talking. 
Me, closing my eyes. Closing my eyes.

  I felt myself dropping off to sleep again, sinking into the warmth
of M...Misato's embrace, but not before hearing another set of footsteps
and a voice. "What's wrong?" said the voice, a younger voice, a boyish
voice.

  Everything. And nothing.

------------------------------------------------

  Again, I opened my eyes, though I was much more coherent this time.
There was no sudden rush of terrible memories to throw me off, because
they already were there. I shivered, though it was warm.

  As much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn't stay in bed forever. My
growling stomach reminded me of that, and I slowly rose, wiping the
crust out of my eyes. Ow. That was a lot of crust. I noted the dull glow
from behind the shades, and looked at the clock. Barely 6 am. How long
had I slept, yesterday? I tried to puzzle that out as I swung myself off
the bed.

  Being so preoccupied, I almost stepped on Shinji's face.

  The surprise sent me falling back on my mattress, blinking. What was
he doing...well, I suppose that would be a stupid question to ask. A bit
of anger warred with...something else within me, for just an instant,
but I calmed down. With care, I got out, and knelt down next to him. Two
can play at this game.

  He was lying on a sleeping bag, with his blanket on top, and using his
right arm as a pillow. Some part of me idly noted that the way his arm
was positioned, it was probably completely numb from loss of blood flow
to it. I shook the stray thought from my head, and studied him closely
in the dim light.

  His face was, at the moment, expressionless. For some reason, I
expected something there--perhaps a smile, a frown...maybe tears, even. 
I don't know why.

  I didn't understand him. I couldn't see why he cared that much about
me, if my memory served me correctly. He said he did, but I couldn't
really believe it. He was just a boy, he didn't know about things like
that.

  A whisper in my head. Just a child, he was.

  But I am, too. So what do I know about things like that?

  He shifted in his sleep, rolling even more onto his slightly twisted
arm. I touched his hand. Cold, like I thought it would be. Then I
touched his cheek, like he had done to me a few times in the past days.

  Warm, like I thought it would be.

  He didn't even stir, except a little twitch in his brow.

  I quickly shut out visions of playing some prank on him. I wasn't in
the mood for that. Not really.

  To ensure that I would stay "not in the mood", I silently exited my
room, and headed for the kitchen. It really had been a while since I
ate....

  Funny. As I put some bread in the toaster, I realized that except for
those momentary twinges when I had woken up, I wasn't feeling much of
anything at all. I was very calm, very cool, very controlled. It was
enough to be unnerving, were I capable of becoming unnerved at the
moment.

  I wasn't sure what I was feeling, because it seemed like I wasn't
feeling anything at all. This was annoying.

  Ah, at least I _was_ annoyed. That was something more familiar. I
sighed. This wasn't helping much. I had come out here to think, too, but
I kept on getting caught up in my own head.

  A soft scratching drew my attention. Pen-pen. My early breakfast woke
him, though I was sure I hadn't made much noise. Ah well. I scooped him
up and held him tightly.

  "What happens now?" I asked him. "I'm afraid, I guess. I don't really
feel it, but I'm sure I am."

  "Asuka?"

  I fell down, dropping Pen-pen, who squawked in surprise. It took me an
instant to analyze the voice and realize that it wasn't Shinji; rather,
it was Misato.

  (Odd, that my first impression was that it was _not_ Shinji.)

  "Are you okay?" She was at my side, helping me up.

  "Ah, yeah. Th-thanks...."

  I eventually found myself eating toast silently, facing Misato. Rather
unusually, she was drinking some tea, studying me closely, through
evidently tired, but attentive eyes. Reluctantly, I decided to break the
silence. I had to ask.

  "Why did you tell Shinji about my mother?" I said, in a voice I would
barely have recognized as my own.

  Misato didn't seem at all caught off guard, but she did take a few
moments before answering. "Shinji wanted to know. After what happened
yesterday...I think he had the right." She smiled. "You're not angry,
are you? I know it's not something you wanted to share particularly."

  "I, I guess I'm not angry. Just...well, I don't know." I stopped,
finishing the rest of my toast. Misato did not try to strike up more
conversation, for which I was grateful.

  I got up, and put my plate in the sink. "Misato...." My tongue was
thick and unresponsive, but I forced it to work. "Thank you for last
night, too."

  "Of course." Her voice was warm, caring. I looked at her, and saw the
same warmth in her eyes and smile. I nodded, and went to take a bath.

------------------------------------------------

  I've been quieter than usual, I know that. I suppose it was because I
really didn't know what to say, definitely not to Shinji, not to Misato,
and, were he around, not to Kaji.

  I didn't cry when I heard. I wasn't in love with him, beyond that
schoolgirl crush, which I realized even when it was going on. After all,
I couldn't afford to be truly close to anyone. If I did, I might lose
him. And I would have lost him.

  Enough about him. He's gone. Like....

  No, she's gone, too. A long time ago. No more about her.

  What about the people who aren't gone?

  I've been pushing everyone away. It's easy to see that, isn't it? And
then, if someone wouldn't be pushed away, then I would run away. Or
maybe I've just been running this whole time. I was pushing myself
away. And I would run. And run. And run. But now, there was nowhere left
to run. I was caught.

  I don't understand, not him...not Misato, either. Who are these
people? How do they keep coming closer and closer to me? Why do they
want to disrupt my life? It's been...it's been comfortable, this way.
Hasn't it?

  Well, perhaps, I should stop running away. Perhaps, someone or
something is telling me to stop. Yes, perhaps. Ah, but it is so much
easier to say that. To stop for real, well, that is another matter.

  Do I have a choice, though?

------------------------------------------------

  I left the bathroom, adjusting my towel around me, feeling much
better...sort of. Passing the kitchen, I observed that Misato was being
true to her nature, now asleep. She had her head cushioned in her arms
at the kitchen table, teacup knocked over. I managed to find the ability
to giggle a bit. I continued on to my room, to get dressed for the day.

  I walked in, shuffled to my dresser, opened the towel, and was about
to drop it, when there was a cough behind me.

  "I'll go out now, so you can, you can...." There were some footsteps
padding to the door, which slid open, then softly clacked shut.

  I have _got_ to start remembering details like when there's someone
else in my room.

  Once I managed to get out of my frozen, red-faced state, I put on my
clothes and carefully walked out the door. As I had suspected, there
was Shinji, sitting just outside, rubbing his arm. He looked up at me. I
looked down at him.

  Time passed.

  Finally, he stood up, but we simply continued looking at each other.

  Then, on some unspoken cue, perhaps a remnant of our synchronicity
training, we broke eye contact, turned simultaneously, and walked to
living room. We both sat down on the couch, next to each other, and
stared at our folded hands. I almost sighed with relief when he finally
spoke.

  "You, you're feeling okay?"

  "Yes."

  Oh, real good, Asuka. Give a one-word answer that just asks for more
silence.

  "Sorry about--"

  "It's okay. My fault I forgot you were in there."

  I suddenly found a hand around my own. I stiffened, but resisted the
impulse to snatch it away. Instead, I slowly pulled it out of his gentle
grip. "Please, don't."

  "Asuka?"

  "Don't touch me. Just don't." Why was I saying this?

  I could tell he was confused. Maybe as much as I was. Hadn't I just
said that I was all right?

  "Are...are you sure you're okay?"

  See?

  "No, I suppose not," I snapped. A part of me was now rather horrified.
I seemed to be losing control. "I just kind of went through something,
you know? In case you hadn't noticed."

  "Yes, I know. I was there." There was strength in his voice, firmness. 
It made me blink. "And I said I'd be there for you."

  "Oh, you did, did you?"

  "I said I'd protect you."

  That earned a raised eyebrow from me.

  "They're just words."

  "I--no--they're not just words!" Wow, he actually sounded...indignant?
Not quite, but something like it.

  I slowly turned to look at him, a rebuttal automatically finding its
way to my voice, then getting lodged somewhere in my throat.

  Those eyes, his eyes. I looked into them. They're actually a dark
blue. I hadn't noticed before, in all the time I'd been around him. I'd
just thought they were a deep brown that looked black. But I had to see
now, so lit up by a fire in them. There was intent, purpose, meaning in
them. There was strength in them, the same as his voice. This weak
little boy had changed, sometime in the past few days.

  They might be just words, but words have power. Especially when you
can see when someone means them.

  And I was afraid.

  "Shinji, do you know what that thing did to me?"

  "What? You mean.... It looked into your mind?"

  "Yes, it looked into my mind. But it did more than that. It looked
into my mind, and made me look too.  It forced its way into me. It took
out things from me. That thing had no right, but it went ahead. I didn't
want it to, you know that? I didn't want it looking there. It made me
feel dirty.

  "You know what it did to me? It raped me. It violated me. I don't just
feel dirty, I am dirty. And you know about me, now, too. You know how
dirty I am. So don't touch me."

  I was dimly aware that there were no tears from my eyes. They were
perfectly clear. But Shinji, that poor jerk, he was crying.

  "Don't say that! You aren't, I know you aren't.... You couldn't be,
because, because I, I, I--"

  "You love me?"

  Oh, the look on his face was priceless. If I had been even the
slightest bit inclined to humor at that moment, I would have laughed.

  I didn't laugh.

  "Do I...do I, do I, I what?"

  "Do you love me?"

  He looked down, face red, hands curled into fists. "I...do I? I don't
know.... I don't...I don't think I know what it is. Love, I mean. I
think...I think I'm too young to really know."

  Damn. That was exactly the answer that I couldn't really respond to.
Not really. "Oh." I quirked my lips, then said, "I suppose I am, too.
Young, I mean."

  "But Asuka--I do care about you, I know that. I promised that I'll be
there for you, and I mean it." He was looking up at me again, calmer,
and with clear eyes.

  Again, the eyes.

  "I know, Shinji. I know you do."

  There was silence, and there was time passing by. After who knows how
long, I slowly reached out toward him. He stepped closer, hesitantly.
"Shinji...."

  "Yes, Asuka?"

  "Hold my hand."

  He did so.

  We stood there for even more time, looking into each other's eyes. It
was--it was a wonderful thing, looking into his eyes, because I could
see both him and myself at the same time, in a very special way....

  Eventually, I found myself drawn towards him. No, that wasn't right;
we each drew towards the other. He put his arms around me, sighing in
my ear. After a moment, I put my arms around him as well, resting my
head against his shoulder.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Misato, leaning on the doorway. It
seemed that Shinji's shouting had actually woken her up....

  I nodded to her. Thank you, Misato.

  The point of no return. No more pushing others away. No more pushing
myself away.

  And I could smile....

End.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

  You know, I started this just a few days after finishing the first
story. Now, about two months later, it's finally out. Now, if I could
only continue Evanjellydonut.... ^_^

  What, you expected them to be all mushy with each other right away?
Love is not easy, and in a world like theirs, it's even harder. Asuka's
not out of it yet, either; that mind-rape was a terrible, terrible thing
that will take more than just a day or two to get over.

  About Misato--the Shinji-Misato relationship has been talked plenty
about in the past (guardian, mother, big sister...), but what of Asuka
and Misato? They're living together, too. I'd like to think that there's
a bond between them, as well.

  Will there be more of these? I'd like to do more--as indicated by the
above, I think there's a lot to explore with Misato. I'll see if I can
do it. Until then...thank you.


>From Andrew Huang, brought to you by his computer, Oddzilla
Oddzilla says, "Mmmmm...Evanjellydonut...."
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang/
Harvard Anime Society, Secretary