A Druid's Way


    Shaking his head and wincing from his pounding headache, Druid looks 
around through squinted eyes. A few moments earlier he arrived with a
flash of light, not knowing how or why he had gotten here. Wandering out 
of the side street in a daze. He walks right in front of a purple haired 
young woman who crashes into him, causing them both fall to the ground. 

<one: use either past tense, or present tense consistently. Don't use
both.>
<Example: He was doing, He is seeing. Pick one or the other.>

<This sounds like a D&D adventure script prompting a new PC.>

---

   Shampoo looks with curiosity and not a little trepidation at the
strange young man walking beside her. She doesn't know what to think
about him. She can help felling that there is something more than meets
the eye but 

<She -CAN'T- help -FEELING- that. . .>
<eye, but>
<Study comma placement again>

she doesn't know what or why. Her curiosity aroused she resolved to take
him to great-grandmother, maybe she 
<Her curiosity aroused, she resolved. ..  .>
<Also, avoid using CURIOSITY again so quick.>

can figure him out. 


<what did they do after they crashed?>
<Why is she walking with him? Why is he walking with her? How does
SHampoo make him go to Cat Cafe?>


   When they reach the Nekohanten she gestures for him to precede her,
and follows him in. 

<Halting. Phrase it differently>


Surprisingly there are no customers, despite it being in the late
afternoon. Going into the kitchen with the stranger in tow Shampoo sees
her goal, her great-grandmother sitting in a chair reading.

< In tow, Shampoo>

   Looking up from her book, Cologne start to greet her great-
granddaughter when she sees the stranger coming in after Shampoo.
"Shampoo, who is that person behind you."

<I believe further study of grammatics in in order. "Who is that person
behind you --?--"

   Shrugging Shampoo states simply, "Shampoo not know."

<I have to honestly say, I only glanced at the rest of it from here.
Major grammar issues need to be studied, or re-learned. Anyone on the
FFML is a good choice to ask and if not, pick up a textbook. The story
was told in Present Progressive. I personally hate that, it feels like
half a script format when written like that, or like a D&D descriptive
backdrop. But if that is you taste, then learn it a bit more in detail.>

< The story lack direction. It rambles. There is no meaning behind any of
the scenes. Think more closely about the story you want to tell and work
from there.>

<Beware of character placements and behaviors. Colognes has never
attacked anyone outright except Ranma (once) and Happosai. If they are
MEANT not to act like they normally do, then make that clear. Ranma would
never place anything above martial arts.>

<note: and from what GT has shown me, Ki is nothing like majik. . .but of
course, that just speculation.>

<Practise more with short stories.>

<Allan>
<Colliding SYmphonies>