Subject: Re: [FFML] [FANFIC][SM][DARK] Mama's Hand #7
From: Douglas Helm
Date: 1/7/1998, 3:20 PM
To: "Jiro \"Nemesis\" Maeda" <dx4boy@evoserve.com>
CC: fanfic@fanfic.com

Jiro: uh-oh the unstoppable "Cute puppy dog eyes Technique"!
Sho: I think you meant "..with her large, innocent eyes."

Yep.

Rifling through her closet, Usagi produced two dresses, "What one do you
want to wear?"
Sho: Rifling... she shoot's the closet?
Jiro: Baka Sho!

^_^ Poor closet.

Sho: Hey! I think blue is a kawaii color!
Jiro: I hate to say this but I agree with him.

Well Usagi-sama is a pink freak so... 

Jiro: probably extinct! with all those Anime Characters out huinting for 
Endymions.

True.

Jiro: Uh-oh, Shampoo complex again.

That'll get explained in #9 or #10.


Chibi-Usa wrinkled her forehead, "But Sobo not got to school with Mommy.
Jiro: Doug-kun was that line deliberately misspelled

Hmmm.... Sobo is correct as she's refering to her grandmother. However
"got" should be "go" other then that it looks good. Thanks for pointing it
out though, I've passed over that several times and still didn't spot it.


Jiro: I think that was supposed to be,"..come over too Usagi-chan and 
we'll show you some as well."

Yep ^_^; At least not as bad a in #5 and #6.

Sho:If she wanted to say "come into my room" she wouldn't have picked 
Luna up, otherwise she would have said "let's go to my room". 
That's just my opinion of course. Also, you used two verbs "went" and 
"walked" at the same time. 

I'll take a look the phrasing.

minicomputer, Ami typed a command to pull up the data that she had
recorded,Jiro: I think that should have been "bring up"

I've seen both ways. "bring up" is probably more correct though.

Jiro:What a polite little child!
Sho:too polite!

You better believe it.

Jior: We'll MST part 8 tommorow! See you then! 

Great, looking forward to it.  Thanks for your helpful comments.


Doug

"It is major decisions that change the course of our future but it 
is the minor decisions that shape the being who we are."

"I write in broad tapestries, interweaving characters lives leaving
 the little details to the reader unless the detials are important."
	- Anne McCaffrey
	  From the book "Get off the White Unicorn"

"I am Sailor Chibi-Earth! And I will sit you in the corner!"
	- Tsukino Misako, ToYV#6

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