AAaaarrrrggghhh!!! This Spamfic won't leave my brain!
Must...post...inanities...
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* The Gift *
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By Freemage
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Hikaru Gosunkugi traced the lines of the Star of Solomon in the dust,
leaving a penny soaked in his own blood at each junction, just as the
book said he should do. The candles on his head flickered madly in the
night wind, but did not die.
After the task was done, he held the book before himself and called
out, "Quurinst'ahiel! I, your petitioner, call you!"
Lightning flashed in response to his voice, and the air over the star
began to fill with billowing clouds of orangish smoke. The foul scent
of sulphur seemed to force itself into into his Gosunkugi's nostrils,
and he gagged on the taste of his lunch trying to force itself back from
from his stomach.
{It's real! I did it!} he thought gleefully. {Now SHE shall be
mine!}
A pair of gleaming green eyes appeared in the cloud, and a voice like
thunder ripped through the his mind. <WHAT DO YOU WISH, AND WHAT DO YOU
OFFER IN RETURN?>
Hikaru stammered, "I offer my e-eternal soul, in exchange for a g-gift
to win the heart of my tr-true love, Tendou Akane!" His voice cracked
as he spoke HER name.
<AND WHAT DOES THIS WOMAN DESIRE? GOLD, JEWELS, POWER?>
"No, I said Tendou *Akane*, not Nabiki. Akane desires...."
<YES? HURRY UP.>
"... a c-complete s-set of B-Beanie Babies."
<SORRY. CAN'T HELP YOU. COPYRIGHT/TRADEMARK LAWS, YOU KNOW.> Hikaru
thought the voice sounded just a little embarassed.
Then the demon's words sunk in. "Waitaminute. Hell obeys the
copyright and trademark laws?"
<WELL OF COURSE WE DO! WHO DO YOU THINK WROTE THEM IN THE FIRST
PLACE?>
"That would explain a lot of things," Hikaru said thoughtfully.
<ACTUALLY, IT WAS PART OF THE BARGAIN WE MADE TO GET THE SOULS OF THE
AMERICAN LAWYERS.>
"Ummm...Which American lawyers?"
<WHADDYA MEAN, *WHICH* LAWYERS?>
Hikaru thought for a moment, realized the fiend's meaning, and said,
"Ah...That would explain even more...But isn't there anything you can do
for me?"
<OF COURSE. AFTER ALL, WE WROTE IN ALL THE LOOPHOLES, TOO. I'LL JUST
WHIP UP SOME KNOCK-OFFS.>
"Knock-offs?"
<YEAH. MAKE A COUPLE OF MINOR PRODUCTION CHANGES, INCLUDE SOME
MICROSCOPIC FINE PRINT ON THE LABELS, AND BADDA'BING, BADDA'BOOM, YOU
GOT YER COMPLETE SET.>
"That's...inspired."
<I KNOW.> A large cart, filled with gift-wrapped boxes, appeared
before Gosunkugi. On top of the load was a vellum parchment, with a
silver pin next to it. <JUST SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE.>
Gosunkugi actually managed to make it through the signing without
passing out at the sight of his own blood.
*****************************************************************
Gosunkugi pushed his cart down the street toward the Tendou Dojo.
{Nabiki promised HE would be absent today, something about a cure...The
perfect time for me to present my token to the thrice beloved Akane.}
Then he saw HER, standing in front of the gate, just as Nabiki had
said she would arrange. His throat went as dry as the Sahara, and he
knew he would be unable to speak, as usual. At least this time, he had
something to speak for him.
Akane looked up, recognition forming in her eyes, along with an
obvious curiousity. "Hello, Hikaru. What brings you here?"
{She spoke to me! Oh, rapturous day!} Gosunkugi was so consumed with
joy that he almost forgot his purpose. Then, with as much dignity as he
could muster, he snatched the top box off the cart and handed it to her.
She smiled, and he bowed as she took it, in large part to hide his
sudden blush. He held his bow, listening to her melodic voice and the
sound of crinkling paper.
"Oh, why thank you, Gos...What is it? Oh, my goodness!" She gave a
squeal of delight as Gosunkugi risked a peek. Akane was pulling a red
cloth bull out of the box. "It's Tobasco [TM]! Wherever did you...."
Suddenly, her voice died, her face became a mask of confusion.
"Ummm...Gosunkugi, why is it squirming?" she asked, eyes rapidly
growing wide.
With a startled cry, she dropped the toy on the concrete, causing the
contents to spill through a poorly-stiched seam. As she ran away,
screaming, Gosunkugi just stared at the maggots spilling out from the
bull's innards.
*****************************************************************
Fizzbit sat at its post in the Infernal Soul Registry, waiting for the
next chore. It grimaced as Quurinst'ahiel wafted into the office, a
vellum scroll clasped in a tendril of smoke. {Oh, shit, he's in his
full regalia, meaning I'm gonna hafta listen to him brag about another
sucker...I just hope he speaks in a normal tone, this time...I've had
hangovers that caused less throbbing.}
The orange cloud made his way to the teller's window. <GOT ANOTHER
ONE FOR YA.>
*sigh* "Who'd you get this time? Another bored housewife who wanted
Mel Gibson as her gynecologist?"
<NOPE. EVEN BETTER. KID WHO WANTED A GIFT FOR HIS GIRLFRIEND. I GAVE
HIM A SET OF MAGGOT BABIES [TM].>
Fizzbit raised its eyebrows, impressed in spite of itself. "Not too
shabby. What's the meat's name?"
<HIKARU GOSUNKUGI...> Quurinst'ahiel stopped short, cut off by
Fizzbit's uproarious laughter. <WHAT'S SO FUNNY, IMP?>
The imp smirked at the noxious cloud. "Oh, nothing. Here's your
receipt, and here's your number--Looks like you're #57."
<MY WHAT?! WHAT'S THIS "NUMBER" CRAP?>
"Well, after HG, as we call him around here, lost his soul for the
23rd time, the Boss decided to assign everyone a number based on how
badly the claimant shafted the punk. Don't take it too badly. There's
over 500 claimants by now. You should feel sorry for Azhgo'noth-mak,
that poor bastard is #536. Poor sod thought he got the soul so cheap,
too."
<Why? What did he give up?> Apparently, the humiliation had caused
the vapor-demon to turn down the volume.
"Oh, just a lifetime supply of spleens."
Quurinst'ahiel reacted the only way he could.
{Hmmmm...,} thought Fizzbit, {I didn't know toxic fumes could
facefault like that....}
*****************************************************************
Gosunkugi sat in his room, flipping through the book. {Hmmmm...That
was the last of the Q's...Ahh, here we go....Raaabba/chok....This time,
it'll work for sure.}
--Freemage, with many apologies
I really don't believe I'm making this my first fic post, but
Illuminations is suffering from my writer's block. Oh, well, maybe it's
short enough to warrant an MST from one of the GOOD writers...
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