Aha! It's one o'clock in the morning and I'm still only a fraction of a way
through this fic! Better luck tomorrow I suppose...
Anyway, parts 4-6 seem to be mostly build up. The opening act has finished
and the Ranma characters are preparing for the next great climax of the
story. So no one dies, gets married, or lives happily ever after in these
chapters.
In Part 4 we get to meet the villains, and a sorry lot of villains they
are. Hmm, that came out a little harsh so let me clarify. While the
writings good, the dialogues interesting and I really like the turnaround
Ranma is experiencing with *him* being the blushing virgin captive bride
instead of Akane, his captors leave something to be desired. I still think
that Nguyen, the main baddy, is an idiot. An incredibly powerful idiot, but
still an idiot. He acts sorta like I imagine the old Kuno Tatewaki would
act were he given any power. He flaunts his power, forces his subordinates
to scrape and toady and has little respect for anything else besides power.
In short he seems like a stereotypical eeeeeevil man. I'm sorry Rob, but
that's how I feel. I just don't have any respect for this guy. He hasn't
done anything yet to justify how he got his power either. As far as I can
tell, Nguyen simply lucked into it and only because of his ridiculous vast
power has he be able to hold onto his position. A position I will be all to
glad to see get knocked out from under him by Team Ranma. Nguyen certainly
doesn't deserve to win due to skill or cunning. So far it seems that most
of his subordinates do his thinking for him. If you want to potray him as
something else, we have to be able to get into Nguyen's head and see how he
thinks, or at least have him show some signs of intelligence.
As for Nguyen's subordinates, at the very beginning of the fic, Rob
pre-apologized for the action's of Rain and/or Jack. So far they haven't
done anything to warrant the apology, but I'm sure that's going to change.
Though I do have to say they neither of them strike me as particularly
bright, either. As far as Mango, err, I hate to say this but there is one
little thing I think you should completly remove from the story. This is
right after Ranma attacked and threw Rain out of her room, btw.
------
in regards to this Saotome woman. It seemed that the Rain couldn't stop
this girl; she was far too fast and strong for the African warrior.
However, this girl was not as ultimate as Nguyen had expected. She had
obvious faults--she cared about people,
for starters. Mango cared about only two people in this world, her and her
Nguyen.
------
I hate to say this Rob, but this is *incredibly* stereotypical and
unoriginal from my point of view. I can already imagine the scene later on
where Ranma and Mango fight, Mango mocks Ranma for caring for Shiva, Ranma
says something along the lines of 'It's not a weakness, it's a strength!',
and proceeds to pummel Mango. I don't think I'm exaggerating too much when
I say I've seen this a hundred times before. Perhaps that isn't how it
turns out in ToS2, but that's how it looks like to me right now.
I think I should mention now though that I have a very strong bias toward
the strong, silent type and find loud mouth braggarts and chestbeaters like
the ToS2 villains to be especially annoying, so my opinion is a bit harsher
than I think others will be.
By the way, just so this isn't a completely negative review, let me say
that I very much enjoyed the scenes between Ranma and Shiva. My heart
really goes out to Shiva and you've done a good job at showing what type of
twisted little life she's lived, in my opinion. I hope to see more of her
later on. (And considering that we already know she's gonna survive in some
form or fashion into ToS1, I bet we will!)
On to chapters 5 and 6, which really kinda ran together since they both
concentrated on the Nerima forces. Hmm... I have to question your choice of
warriors a little here. While I like what you've done with her (though
after reading some of Kun-chan's writeups on Japanese culture that we've
seen here on the FFML, I question wether she would actually be like this),
I really can't see Azusa and Mikado being a part of this group. Quite
frankly, they're nowhere in any of the other fighter's league, and I would
expect them to get slaughtered in this sort of engagement. The only reason
they did as well as they did in their battles with Ranma and Akane and
Ryouga was because of the threes unfamiliarity with the battlefield, namely
on ice. I really don't see much hope for them in the coming battle.
Next on my list of complaints, and granted, it's fairly minor since it's
more to do with presentation than anything, is how you're handling the
ninja in the story. Basically, they don't really feel like ninja to me.
They're way too blatant about exposing themselves for what they are, and
seem indifferent if everyone else knows it. Of course, this is partly
because the group they're dealing with, the Nerima crew, is already pretty
familiar with this sort of thing, but still, the Mist ninja is especially
annoying. Even when you write about her, you seem determined to point out
how blatant her entrances and exits are, what with the mist appearing on a
dry, sunny day. It sorta screams, 'I'm magical! Look at me!' And there is
one line from part 5 when John Twinmoon makes his entrance that really
grated...
-----
A man stood there, obviously a ninja. His skin was reddish-brown, an=
----- ^^^^^^^^
Doesn't this sorta go against the whole point of the ninja? I mean, if
anyone can recognize him for what he is, what difference is there between
him and any other warrior? I find it hard to believe that he would stroll
down the street dressed in an outfit that said, 'Hey! I'm a ninja!' While,
yes, this is a Nerima street we're talking about, John's not a native so
would probably act a little more discretly I'd think.
One last little rant before I get to the good stuff...(you might want to
skip this next part!)
AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU USED THOSE STUPID AMAZONS
TWINS FROM THE ANIME!!! LING-LING AND LUNG-LUNG ARE TWO OF THE STUPIDEST,
LAMEST, MOST IDIOTIC CHARACTERS I'VE EVER SEEN!! THEY OUGHT TO POUNDED,
FLATTENED, AND MADE TO AKANE'S COOKING FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!!!
AAAARRRGGHGHH!!! STUPID!!! DUMB!!! *sounds of much random violence is
heard* GRRRRR!!!!! AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!
[rant mode off]
Ahem. *Small* personal bias there. ;-p If I might ask, why aren't you using
Pink and Rink from the manga instead? Personally I think they're much more
powerful and intelligent of opponents than the rather lame versions that
appeared in the anime. It'd be nice to see them used instead. Just as a
personal favor to me, eh? ;-)
On the plus side of things, in parts 5 and 6 we get most of the build up
(or so it seems without reading ahead) out of the way and we're ready for
battle to be joined. I really liked Akane's characterization in this part.
This is the Akane I wanted to see in parts 2-3 but didn't. The other
friendships and bonds that are forming within the group are nice as well.
A word on the romances though, you seeming to be laying on the hints of
things to come a little thickly. Most notably between Kuno/Nabiki and
Mikado/Kodachi. While we know from ToS1 how these relationships are going
to turn out, unless you're planning on having them all happily married by
the end of ToS2, you really don't need to rush things like you are. Kodachi
especially seems a bit wrong. At this point in time, there hasn't really
been given any reason she would start to consider *anyone* other than her
Ranma-sama. Kodachi has always been portrayed as very obsessive and her
characterization doesn't seem to differ her from the standard so she should
still be locked firmly on her intended. Perhaps if Mikado helped her in
some way in the upcoming battle she might start considering him, but I
think for now, her thought in part 6 about Mikado being 'cute' should
probably be dropped.
As for Nabiki and Kuno, Nabiki seems to go rather abruptly as well from
considering him little more than a stooge of hers, to thinking of him
romantically. Just because his change of personality has caught her
curiousity is no reason for her to suddenly become romantically interested.
It needs a slower build up as well. Let her curiousity lead her to discover
new, unexpected things about Kuno. *Then* let the romance begin. Right now
her curiosity has barely been whetted, the current situation should be
taking up most of her time and thought. I'd think she'd shelve
considerations of Kuno's changes for the moment and concentrate on the
matter at hand.
*gasp* It's now past 2am and my eyes are ready to fall out of my skull.
*plop* Oh, there went one now. Well, obviously, I like this fic a lot or I
wouldn't have so much about it. *glances back up at what he wrote* Well ok,
maybe I was a bit harsh, but I *do* enjoy what I'm reading and I wouldn't
be writing this if it was just going to get deleted or something vile like
that. Here's hoping the rest of the fic is as good or even better than what
I've seen so far.
Part 4, btw, rates 2 1/5 stars out of 5. The Ranma/Shiva bits were very
good, the Villain bits were bad.
Parts 5 & 6 rated 3 out of 5 stars. We've got a plan now, let the battle be
joined!
Thanks for lending me your ear,
Scott Pollert
PS Like the ending of part 6. If you hadn't posted the whole story I'd have
to nail you with the chicken cannon for that cliff hanger! And we finally
got a villain who seems to think with his brain and not his testosterone
too! Cool!
----------
Scott Pollert [pollerts@hsonline.net]